CollegeCandy » faking orgasm

I’m just going to get to the meat of it. My boyfriend and I were having sex, and I like to be a little vocal when I get there, you know, let him know I appreciate his handy work. Well, this time I got to that place like I have never been there before, and I guess I was more vocal than usual. He stops everything that he is doing, grabs his clothes and leaves. I didn’t even know what to say, I was in shock I guess, so I just laid there, wondering what just happened.

He calls within five minutes of leaving my apartment and tells me how “offended he was by me faking my climax, that he was ten times more offended than if I didn’t even climax at all.”

I tried to tell him that I wasn’t faking, that whatever he did that night was great and not to stop doing that for future reference, but he was convinced.

What can I do to get it through to him? I am like a fish out of water in this situation, so I have no clue how I should react.

Utterly baffled,
Ashlee

Dear Ashlee,

DAMN YOU MEG RYAN!!!!! When Harry Met Sally… let the cat out of the bag and men of multiple generations around the world have not been able to trust the female orgasm ever since.

Can guys tell a fake from the genuine article? Many claim expertise in this niche. Most of them sniff glue. The rest want to grow up to be The Situation. There are some physical clues without question but what about escalation? (“We start carrying semi-automatics, they buy automatics, we start wearing Kevlar, they buy armor piercing rounds…and you’re wearing a mask and jumping off rooftops.” Sorry, geek moment.)

For every new method of discerning authenticity, it seems you ladies develop another way to make us question. Because that’s what it comes down to, ladies of the jury, reasonable doubt. In the end, no man EVER can be more than 99.9999999999999999999999% certain you came. That leaves room for one to freak out, freak out, FREAK OUT, like your boy did, Ashlee.

Look, it’s tougher to conjure tangible proof of an orgasm from your end. Let’s be honest. Not all women squirt (if indeed squirting isn’t a myth, for you nonbelievers out there). 99 out of 100 men do ejaculate. That means we’ve got to take you at your word.

So, it comes down to trust. He apparently didn’t trust himself to be a good enough lover to take you to places that aren’t even human (“I made a woman meow”). He didn’t trust you to be honest with your orgasms or lack thereof. He lapsed in the intimacy department.

Odds are he’s had some issues with women faking it in the past or at least of him thinking they’ve faked it with him. Once again we have a situation where one partner is projecting his issues onto the other. As always, it’s a PITA!

You’ve got a few different approaches, from talking it out to seducing with role play, light bondage, or any kink you can think of. However, all roads lead to Rome. In this case, Rome is f@%*ing. Oh yeah, lots of it. And you do not stop until there is no doubt in his mind that you’ve been climbing the stairway to heaven and the stairway was his penis. That’s the best, most practical, and guaranteed way to work through this.

It may not be PC but what the Hell is so PC about a penis going into a vagina to begin with? Sex isn’t sterile. It’s fun. It’s primal. It’s chaos at it’s most exciting and pleasurable. It’s also a venue for vulnerability. He got vulnerable while you got off. Now, like any scared kitten, you’ve got to lure him back into feeling safe. Call him, meet him, screw him. And if that doesn’t work, then screw him. Get yourself a new boy toy because that one’s broken.

Having what she’s having,

The Dude

[Don't you just love him? Wish you could get more? You can! Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Sexy Time: Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

Kelly — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 13:00:55 +0000

Blonde is my natural hair color. I rarely drink this much. I’m enjoying being single.

We all lie, in some form or another. We lie to our parents (it’s not a hangover; it’s a stomach bug), our teachers (I’m late because the bus was delayed, not because I forgot to set my alarm), our employers (it’s my mom’s birthday, not some girl in my hall’s 21^st) and our sexual partners (you’re the best I’ve ever had!).

Lying to someone you’re sleeping with is dangerous territory, though. By lying to them, you could be endangering their physical (or mental) health. Which lies are OK to tell, and what things do we have to fess up too?

Lie: I’ve never worn this lingerie for anyone else.

Verdict: OK. We all have a favorite pair of lingerie, and we’ve probably worn it with more than one partner. After all, good lingerie is expensive, and we shouldn’t have to throw it out just because a relationship ends. But your partner probably doesn’t want to know what you wore last time you canoodled with someone else, so it’s okay to keep that information to yourself, or fib a little if it comes up.

Lie: I never slept with [insert friend here].

Verdict: BAD. The truth will come out eventually, and it will not be pretty. How would you feel if you found out one of your partner’s close friends was actually someone they used to sleep with? It’s best to have this information up front.

Lie: Your family/friends are so much fun.

Verdict: OK. You might hate the way his best friend burps or her crazy uncle that gets way too competitive playing volleyball, but your partner doesn’t need to be privy to this information. These people are going to be in their life for a while, so you best learn to deal with them, or at least act like you have.

Lie: I don’t have a crush on my chem professor.

Verdict: OK. You don’t have to fess up to every little crush you have, as long as there is no chance of the crush leading to anything real. Although, if you do fess up to it, you can probably convince your partner to role-play it with you.

Lie: I’ve always used condoms.

Verdict: BAD. Lying about your sexual health is never OK. If you have had unprotected sex, fess up and get tested, to keep you both healthy.

Lie: I came.

Verdict: BAD. Faking orgasms only hurts your sex life. When you say you like something, you encourage your partner to do it more often. If you lie about having orgasms, your partner will keep doing what they think works, and you’ll suffer the consequences.

What are some lies you’ve told to a sexual partner?