Every time one of those redonkulous video ads pops up on my browser, I want to punch whoever made them in the face. Because those guys aren’t on Match.com. Those guys have never needed an online dating site to help them find a chick (or a dude, as the case may be). Those guys are hot. Those guys have fantastic smiles. Those guys are actors.

According to this little article, the success rate of the online dating industry is 22%. Of course, the ads for EHarmony and Match.com don’t want you to know that. They want you to think hot, happy people are all over their websites. They want you to pay money to find these hot, happy people with fantastic smiles.

But I gotta say, after doing my own (ahem) research, I have found the amount of hot guys on dating sites to be alarmingly low. There’s certainly no body building Brad Pitt lookalike hoping to video chat with me. There’s someone who wants to chat about how it’s cool to be a nerd or make vegan cupcakes, but sadly, this someone cannot hold a candle to those dudes in the video ads.

What do you think? Is internet dating really as easy / successful as people say? Or is it just false advertising?

There’s a new brand of body shaper in town, but this time it’s…for men?

WHAT?!

Now, ladies: we all do it. Whether it’s a padded bra (oh, excuse me “lightly lined bra”. Honey, you’re still faking it), control top pantyhose or even the aforementioned, miracle-working Spanx, we’re all guilty of some, shall we say, false advertising.

I am the first to admit it, and frankly, I think it’s great. Seriously, some dresses just require that I shake more (or less) than what my Mama gave me, and I will happily snap up something silicone and/or lycra-based to make it work.

From corsets to girdles and beyond, body-shaping is nothing new for us girls. It is not new, nor is it novel; on the contrary, a certain amount is expected. I like to think it adds to the feminine mystique of preparing for a night out, like eyelash curlers, body scrubs and complicated lingerie.

But on a guy?? Really?? I’m sorry, this is not something I can get behind. Yes, we all agree that modern menfolk can have body issues just like their female counterparts. Metrosexuality is de rigeur, and I’ve accepted that sometimes men will smell better or have softer skin than I do. So, when I read that men’s underwear brands like 2(X)ist were creating new lines featuring ‘spandex briefs and tank tops designed to have a trimming effect’, I tried to keep an open mind, but suspected it was an isolated incident.

But the examples just kept coming. Los Angeles underwear brand Go Softwear has the “Waist Eliminator,” with a waistband that extends up to mid-torso in order to flatten the tummy. Man-panty maker Andrew Christian introduced the Flashback Butt Lifting Technology Boxer – ‘a stretchy bodyshaping brief with a built-in elastic sling to lift and perk up the back side by “up to an inch”’

My god. There must actually be a market for this stuff.

Blame it on Hollywood hotness, or Hedi Slimane, or whatever, it doesn’t matter. However we did it, evidently we’ve managed to make men just as self-conscious as women! Well done, America! But fellas, take note: call it what you want, but a girdle’s a girdle. If I were dating a man (and I mean a straight man), and I got his shirt off to discover support hose, I would run for the hills – immediately, if not sooner.

Call it unfair, but I think a beer gut is a nastier surprise than say, slightly smaller breasts. More importantly, I don’t care if you’ve got one! But I do care if you wear lady-clothes.

Am I being shallow? Sure, it’s a double standard, but no more so than the couple I know we’ve all seen over and over: the schlubby man paired with an improbably hot woman (King of Queens. ‘Nuf said.). What do you think? If you were faced with a be-girdled man-belly, would you cut and run, or wait and see?

I’m all about the truth – truth in relationships, truth in politics, truth in what a girl is hiding underneath her undergarments. The act of stuffing should be exclusive to Santa Claus and Thanksgiving.

The Wonderbra was designed to make women feel better about their lack of rack by padding around their mini-rounds. How is that any better than me stuffing a sock around m’thing? It’s false advertising for sure; then again I truly feel for women who are only judged on the size of their womanhood.

It’s a Catch-22, this situation.

While I will never be able to crack the code that is the bosom – we must, we must, we must increase/decrease our bust - I do have a word of advice for any woman feeling down on their endowment: f*** it. Men who resemble pot-bellied pigs with receding hairlines have no right taking down to your tiny tits – especially when they have a tiny d*ck.

Confidence (not arrogance) is key for both genders. If wearing a wonderbra makes you feel sexier – and your sassy and confident attitude proves it – go for yours, ladies. I’m an ass-man anyways…

…Did that just contradict everything I said? Oh the hell with it – my point is what’s attractive depends on the person. Flaunt whatever you have and you’ll get supporters. Promise.