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"...I just farted."

I am pretty confident in my long-term relationship knowledge. Actually, at this point, I am pretty much an expert, as I am going on 8 years.

Yes, I heard the gasp. Someone just dropped her plate. Someone else is chocking on her Ramen. It isn’t common that you come across a college girl who is one half of a committed relationship, especially one with their high school sweetheart. But here I am. I do exist.

That being said, I know what it means to be a “real” couple. I’ve gone from the butterflies and blushing to knowing what he is thinking without even saying a word. We’ve been at this so long we’ve hit every milestone….more than once. And I’m talking about them all, from the biggies (like the first Valentine’s Day to meeting the parents) to the ones that people often forget, but which are the actual gauges of how serious your relationship really is.

The Fart
Undoubtedly one of the most important markers (and most disgusting, might I add) is farting. Yes, I had a couple excruciating years of holding them in every time we were together, and if one slipped out on accident I immediately blamed the dog. But there comes a point where you are comfortable enough with the other person to just let em’ rip  (of course my boyfriend probably wishes I was not this comfortable, but that’s besides the point). Read More »

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You know what’s super awkward? Sex. All that nudity and rubbing and body parts all over the place. It’s a recipe for disaster. There are about a billion things that can go wrong, from cutting open your head on the corner of a dresser (been there) to dropping a wad of drool on your man’s face (done that). And if we took a moment to truly reflect on what it’s like to fart during the entire thing, well, I’m pretty sure we’d all just stop sexing all together.

I’m sure most people don’t put as much thought into the intricacies of sexy time as I do, but I am sure that plenty of sexually active adults have considered the multitude of things that could go wrong during the act. Does everyone have the same fears (babies and disease)? Do guys fears differ from a girl’s? Is a queef as big a deal to everyone else as it is to me (and do other people laugh uncontrollably when one happens)?

I asked my friend who is a boy to give me his thoughts. Read More »

Farting is always inappropriate and embarrassing.  I will never support any form of butt cheek musicals.  However, I may be forced to change my mind after seeing this little piece of earth-shattering news: Tiger Woods farted.  He farted on the 18th hole of the Buick Open.  Oh yes people, this is news.  This is, in fact, the #1 most searched term on Google right now.  Shocked?  So am I.

However, if this story has taught me one thing, it’s that farting can overshadow more important events (like winning a golf tournament).  Sometimes that’s exactly what you need – a distraction.  Now I doubt that Tiger Woods farted to distract the world from him winning yet another golf thingy (yeah, I don’t care for golf), but seeing all this attention makes me wonder when else we could use a well-timed fart… Read More »

While shopping at the mall with friends last weekend, my breakfast of Kashi Go Lean Crunch! came back to haunt me. And by “me,” I mean “everyone within a 10 foot radius.” Yeah, it’s true – I had a horrible case of the farts. So bad that I couldn’t even stand myself. I tried to hold it in – really, really hard – but they just kept coming and it was impossible for me to walk around a giant mall with my ass cheeks clenched together.

So I did what any normal woman would do: I walked away from my friends and left some smelly bombs in store corners and mall walkways. Poor shoppers didn’t know what was coming.

The entire ordeal was mortifying (especially when the guy bringing my shoes walked through an exceptionally offensive gas cloud and got a very sour look on his face) and could have been completely avoided had someone informed me about these special panties. Now, I am not one for granny panties (especially of the Hefty variety), but a pair of panties that could mask my gas?

Where do I sign up?

I’m not sure how they work, but as long as they don’t create a virtual dutch oven in my pants thus releasing the foul odor of a day’s worth of farts and knocking me out the moment I take them off, I don’t really care.  The mere thought of enjoying a fiberous breakfast and then flatulating all day without anyone knowing (I’m a master of the SBD) is enough to lure me in.

You ever have a question so embarassing you weren’t sure who to ask?

You could ask your friends, but they’d laugh at you…and then copy and paste that sh*t into an email to everyone you know.
You could go to your parents, but they’d probably judge you…and then copy and paste that sh*t into an email to everyone you know.
You could turn to your BF, but he’d probably just dump you.

So where do you go? Apparently, Yahoo Answers. These people have nothing else to do but answer life’s toughest questions. Questions like this one:

What should you do? Hm, sitting down and turning to the internet sounds like a good idea, or,  I don’t know, try a bit of this sage advice: Read More »

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In case you were wondering, here are some fun fart facts. Don’t worry; we won’t tell anyone.

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I went out with a guy once. On our first date we went to dinner, and things were going so well that when he took me home I invited him in.

At which point he asked me if he could borrow a book while he “dealt with all the dairy” he had just eaten.

True story. And it ended right there; I never called him again.

I have no problem with talking about farts and poop, but I do have a problem doing so on date #1. I just don’t understand why guys feel the need to bring up the bowels when we haven’t even locked lips yet. And then there is the whole double standard; why can he fart in the car and lock the windows but I can’t even mention the fact that I poop without him cringing and curling up in the fetal position?

I asked my guy friends to break it all down for me – apparently farting is a sign of endearment. Read on… Read More »

The other night, as I slept soundly in my bed dreaming about my new MJ aviators, my phone started to ring. It was really late so I figured it was probably another drunk dial from one of my friends. But after picking up and hearing my friend screaming, I realized that she was either a) totally wasted and annoying or b) really having a crisis.

It was B.

It took quite some time to calm Maggie down enough to even understand her screams. All I understood was, “How could he do that to me!?” I feared the worst and made mental plans for how I would kill her boyfriend for whatever horrible thing he did to make her this upset.

And then I heard what she was saying:

“HE FARTED! He farted in front of me!”

Maggie went on to explain that upon letting the gassy offender go, Steve looked at the horror written all over her face and said, “What? I thought we were at that point.” Read More »