Turns out cat ladies are healthier than all of us

This kid’s fart is now national news

Dangerous beauty treatments

An affordable AND cute outfit!

How to build a business wardrobe

Awesome hair makeover contest

Check out the bag ALL the celebs have

A MUST LISTEN song

Pink is all for child abuse?

New Harry Potter footage!

"...I just farted."

I am pretty confident in my long-term relationship knowledge. Actually, at this point, I am pretty much an expert, as I am going on 8 years.

Yes, I heard the gasp. Someone just dropped her plate. Someone else is chocking on her Ramen. It isn’t common that you come across a college girl who is one half of a committed relationship, especially one with their high school sweetheart. But here I am. I do exist.

That being said, I know what it means to be a “real” couple. I’ve gone from the butterflies and blushing to knowing what he is thinking without even saying a word. We’ve been at this so long we’ve hit every milestone….more than once. And I’m talking about them all, from the biggies (like the first Valentine’s Day to meeting the parents) to the ones that people often forget, but which are the actual gauges of how serious your relationship really is.

The Fart
Undoubtedly one of the most important markers (and most disgusting, might I add) is farting. Yes, I had a couple excruciating years of holding them in every time we were together, and if one slipped out on accident I immediately blamed the dog. But there comes a point where you are comfortable enough with the other person to just let em’ rip  (of course my boyfriend probably wishes I was not this comfortable, but that’s besides the point).

Taking the Kids to The Pool
Pooping usually come around the same time as farting; once you reach the point where you can outright say “Babe, I have to go take a dump,” instead of making up another excuse to be gone for ten minutes, you know you’re getting somewhere. While this excretion process is best done behind closed doors regardless of how close you are (because nothing says I Love You quite like protecting someone from the scent of fecal matter), being pee-shy is just a translation of feelings in the relationship at large. Yes, being able to drop your pants and do a little numero uno while he’s brushing his teeth is a sign of true love and comfort.

Leave the Stubble
For a while I would shave before he came over…even if that was 5 days in a row, because I would have been mortified if he nicked himself on my stubble. But eventually I was able to grow a fleece blanket up to my knees and not think twice about it. I knew for sure that he’d love me, no matter how beastly my legs.

Without Your Face
The same goes for makeup. There was a point when my boyfriend would call to say he was stopping by last minute and I’d sprint into the bathroom and throw on my five-minute face. Now he’s one of the only people that I don’t feel self conscious around without mascara and some cover-up. When you hit that point where you feel at ease just being yourself, you know you’re a real couple. (When my boyfriend found out I was flat as a board without my bra and had a couple zits under that makeup and didn’t run for the hills, I knew he was a keeper).

Silence on the Other Line
I’d say the phone silence is the last major milestone. For a while phone silences are extremely awkward and you’ll do anything to fill the pause. (Like tell a really bad joke. Then tell it again when he doesn’t laugh cuz you think maybe he didn’t hear it….) But after you have been together for so long you literally become the person’s other half and it’s not necessary to fill every second of the phone conversation with sound. When you can sit on the phone in pure silence, with the exception of a couple farts, you know you’re a real couple.

Does anyone else have milestones for marking yourself as a “real” couple?

Paris Hilton is giving up her partying ways. Again.

Oklahoma not really into a woman’s right to choose.

Jennifer Hudson shows off her new son.

Do you fart in front of your guy?

Michael Vick gets a reality show!?

10 rules of the pick-up.

You know what’s super awkward? Sex. All that nudity and rubbing and body parts all over the place. It’s a recipe for disaster. There are about a billion things that can go wrong, from cutting open your head on the corner of a dresser (been there) to dropping a wad of drool on your man’s face (done that). And if we took a moment to truly reflect on what it’s like to fart during the entire thing, well, I’m pretty sure we’d all just stop sexing all together.

I’m sure most people don’t put as much thought into the intricacies of sexy time as I do, but I am sure that plenty of sexually active adults have considered the multitude of things that could go wrong during the act. Does everyone have the same fears (babies and disease)? Do guys fears differ from a girl’s? Is a queef as big a deal to everyone else as it is to me (and do other people laugh uncontrollably when one happens)?

I asked my friend who is a boy to give me his thoughts.

Farting is always inappropriate and embarrassing.  I will never support any form of butt cheek musicals.  However, I may be forced to change my mind after seeing this little piece of earth-shattering news: Tiger Woods farted.  He farted on the 18th hole of the Buick Open.  Oh yes people, this is news.  This is, in fact, the #1 most searched term on Google right now.  Shocked?  So am I.

However, if this story has taught me one thing, it’s that farting can overshadow more important events (like winning a golf tournament).  Sometimes that’s exactly what you need – a distraction.  Now I doubt that Tiger Woods farted to distract the world from him winning yet another golf thingy (yeah, I don’t care for golf), but seeing all this attention makes me wonder when else we could use a well-timed fart…

Cheating On An Exam – Obviously, you should never cheat on an exam.  But, if it’s at 8am on a Friday morning and you are wrecked from the night before, we’ll forgive you for not knowing the biological origins and genealogical history of lemurs.  You know, who does know that stuff?  That kid sitting right in front of you.  Uh-oh!  Your professor caught you leaning forward a bit too far and now has come to confront you.  What should you do?  Fart.  Fart right now so he’ll think you were just trying to shift around to make the fart silent.  Foolproof!

Breaking Up With Someone – Breaking up is hard to do (or so says Neil Sedaka) and is made even harder by all the different technologies on which we proclaim our relationships.  Still, breaking up face-to-face is the polite and acceptable thing to do (even though it’s awkward as balls).  What should you do to break that awkward silence and shift the attention away from the tense, heavy atmosphere?  Fart, of course!  He’ll be so distracted and surprised, you can both have a giggle and then part ways before he remembers what happened. (Or he’ll be so disgusted, you won’t be that difficult to get over….)

Interview - It’s a tough job market out there, so when you actually land an interview, it can be a pretty big deal.  You get new clothes, you make sure your hair and make up are appropriate and professional, and you prepare smart and informed questions about the job and the company.  Even after all this, interviews can be uncomfortable and extremely stressful.  Rather than sit through an awful silence while the interviewer eyes you with disinterest and you struggle to show them how brilliant you are, just let one rip.  This will break the ice and make sure that they won’t forget you when they’re looking at the four-foot high stack of resumes later.  Just make sure it doesn’t stink…

Bar Creeper – These dudes are notoriously hard to shake.  There is literally nothing you can do to throw off a bar creeper if he has his sights set on you.  “No” is a word that doesn’t seem to exist for them and you can forget about subtle hints that you want them to eff off.  You know what’s not so subtle?  Farting.  Even though I’ve never tried this particular tactic, I’m convinced that it will be effective.  Just make sure it’s loud enough to hear over the music (though, perhaps, not loud enough to be heard by everyone in the bar), otherwise your efforts will be wasted.  A smelly fart is also acceptable in this situation.

While shopping at the mall with friends last weekend, my breakfast of Kashi Go Lean Crunch! came back to haunt me. And by “me,” I mean “everyone within a 10 foot radius.” Yeah, it’s true – I had a horrible case of the farts. So bad that I couldn’t even stand myself. I tried to hold it in – really, really hard – but they just kept coming and it was impossible for me to walk around a giant mall with my ass cheeks clenched together.

So I did what any normal woman would do: I walked away from my friends and left some smelly bombs in store corners and mall walkways. Poor shoppers didn’t know what was coming.

The entire ordeal was mortifying (especially when the guy bringing my shoes walked through an exceptionally offensive gas cloud and got a very sour look on his face) and could have been completely avoided had someone informed me about these special panties. Now, I am not one for granny panties (especially of the Hefty variety), but a pair of panties that could mask my gas?

Where do I sign up?

I’m not sure how they work, but as long as they don’t create a virtual dutch oven in my pants thus releasing the foul odor of a day’s worth of farts and knocking me out the moment I take them off, I don’t really care.  The mere thought of enjoying a fiberous breakfast and then flatulating all day without anyone knowing (I’m a master of the SBD) is enough to lure me in.

You ever have a question so embarassing you weren’t sure who to ask?

You could ask your friends, but they’d laugh at you…and then copy and paste that sh*t into an email to everyone you know.
You could go to your parents, but they’d probably judge you…and then copy and paste that sh*t into an email to everyone you know.
You could turn to your BF, but he’d probably just dump you.

So where do you go? Apparently, Yahoo Answers. These people have nothing else to do but answer life’s toughest questions. Questions like this one:

What should you do? Hm, sitting down and turning to the internet sounds like a good idea, or,  I don’t know, try a bit of this sage advice:

Nick Schuyler, one of the missing boaters has been found!

How does the stimulus plan affect students?

Lindsay Lohan is rotting from the inside out.

In case you were wondering, here are some fun fart facts. Don’t worry; we won’t tell anyone.

Octomom gets a reality show.

Students speeding up undergrad to save money.

Stoner tries to smoke his cat in a bong. Yes, for real.

We heart cropped sweaters.

Even the nice guys aren’t calling back anymore?!

Pink goes Green.

No one wants to see the Jonas Brothers in 3-D?

It was B.

It took quite some time to calm Maggie down enough to even understand her screams. All I understood was, “How could he do that to me!?” I feared the worst and made mental plans for how I would kill her boyfriend for whatever horrible thing he did to make her this upset.

And then I heard what she was saying:

“HE FARTED! He farted in front of me!”

Maggie went on to explain that upon letting the gassy offender go, Steve looked at the horror written all over her face and said, “What? I thought we were at that point.”

Then she broke down into tears.

And I have to say, I can’t blame her. First of all, Maggie is a WASP to the core. WASPs wear pearls and pink Polo’s. WASPs do not enjoy listening to their mates fart. But even more, what is this “point” that Steve speaks of? Why does he suddenly think it is OK to let loose and cut el queso in front of his lady?

It could be that he looks at her like a sister/guy friend and feels comfortable. Or it could be that he really cares about her and realizes that she is going to be around for awhile so there is no point in making excuses and running out of the room every time his lunch comes back to haunt him. It might also be that he had too many eggs for breakfast, had a little gassy accident and didn’t know what else to say.

Being “that girl” – you know, the one the guys always find it ok to fart in front of – I decided to ask some of my boys about their farting standards. And I found quite a varied response.

Some guys say they will fart in front of anyone; that it is natural, and they don’t care who is around when they have an impending gas explosion.

Me: But what if it is a girl you are trying to get with?

Anonymous Boy: I might think about it but I’ll still do it. You can’t control it.

Others, however, will only do it in front of people they feel completely comfortable with: girlfriends, their “boys”, or those few “lucky” gals (like me) they hang out with. Farting, then, is an honor given only to those worthy of being in the company of such a toxic emission. Apparently, then, I should feel honored to be given the opportunity to hear/smell/experience my friends’ farts.

And there are still others who do everything in their power to hold in the gas, no matter what the consequences are: stomach aches, cheek clenching, constant running to another room.

All boys, however, agreed that they didn’t want to hear their girls fart no matter what. In fact, many tried to fight the idea that women even know how to fart in the first place. Don’t worry; I showed them that we did.

• Naked Britney protest? Sure! …Britney won’t be there right? (pugbus.net)

• Speaking of nudity, CollegeCandy doesn’t necessarily condone streaking, but if you’re a hot babe and you wanna go for it…at least do it naked. (news.com.au)

• If people are looking to get rid of mysterious goo they should just call Bill Murray and Dan Akroyd. Duh. (ktvu.com)

• Oh my God. Please let this happen. Please let this happen. (theoildrum.com)

• Crap, they’re on to us, ladies! Thanks a lot Peteuse! (COED Magazine)