For what? Well, just about everything these days. From finding the perfect shirt to getting directions to that restaurant you’ve only ever been to once to planning your wedding. There’s an app for it.

And most of the time, I think that’s a good thing. I pride myself on welcoming new technology, embracing these changes and seeing them as good technological advancements, rather than unnecessary complications. But today I just might have to make an exception. Because after spending some time in the app store I’ve made some discoveries that have led me to question not only my love of technology, but my love of humanity.

Have you seen what’s out there? It’s okay if you haven’t. Because I’ve brought it here for you. Partly to inform you, but also so you can commiserate with me. These are the apps our guys are downloading? No wonder they screw up so often!

1. Breastimate. An app that can tell you the bra size of every women in the room. You can either upload a picture, if you’re really curious about an old flame, or take a photo right there on the spot. Just point and click and there you have it. A “breastimated” bra size.

2. Super Sexy Pickup Lines. Great. As if guys don’t come up with enough cheesy pickup lines all on their own. Now there’s an app to help them come up with the creepiest, sleaziest, most ridiculous pick up lines out there. Can we get an app that makes men stop using these pick up lines, please?

3. Bump. Guys aren’t big on the whole hugging and holding and showing affection thing, especially not with one another. So often they end up doing the head nod or the fist pump, or occasionally that half hug, half handshake thing. It can get a little awkward. But they don’t have to worry about that anymore. Not with this app. All they have to do is bump their iPhone and there you have it, a bromance is born.

4. Jersey Shore Grenade Detector. This list would not be complete without a Jersey Shore mention. So let’s see what these boys have in store for us, shall we? Ladies, let me introduce you to the grenade detector, an app with the sole purpose of detecting and alerting of grenades. I feel as though I should be surprised, but I’m not.

5. iFart. Want to make fart noises? There’s an app for that. Oh, the world we live in. Not only does this app come with prerecorded fart noises but you can also record your own. And the best part, you can even set your phone to make fart noises when someone picks it up. It’s the Whoopi cushion of the 21^st century, ladies.

6. iBeer. Do you ever feel the need to pretend to drink a beer when you’re out and about? No? Funny. Neither do I. But apparently this is something that guys have a real need for, since there’s an app out there for it, and all. With one click of a button the screen of your iphone can turn into, that’s right, a glass of, beer, which you can dip down and pretend to drink, and watch the fake liquid disappear.

Really, guys?

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so take off those (faux) Burberry ear muffs and tune in.

(Middle-aged lady on the phone, at a bus stop.)

Lady: They fed me. It was like … an orgy. And it was like a lighthouse, guiding all the ships through the night. I was one of those ships.

(High schoolers, playing cards at a coffee shop.)

Girl 1: Okay. What’s on that one?

Guy: Tampons.

Girl 2: What? Why the hell would pirates want tampons?

Guy: To go with the weasels.

(Loud cheering, outside a window.)

Guys: Vinny … P! Vinny… P! VINNY… P! YEAH!

Other guy: Yeah! Who the f— is Vinny P!

(Girl, talking to her friends at a party.)

Girl 1: I can’t believe Jersey Shore is so popular.

Girl 2: Oh my god, are you kidding? That show makes me believe in god.

(Girl, texting in class.)

Girl (checks phone): Oh my god, I hate my boyfriend.

Other girl: What’d he send you?

Girl: “Quarter pounder with large fry.”

(Girl, singing along to karaoke in the student union.)

Girl: Gettin’ pretty hungry, gotta go to that McDonalds. Sh*ttin’ in my Yankees cap like no one but a Yankee can. … In NEW YORK!

(Two girls, in the movie store.)

Girl 1: I thought Batman wasn’t allowed to kill anyone.

Girl 2: He doesn’t. He just caresses them gently, in his strong arms, until they go to sleep.

(Girl, on the phone.)

Girl: Uh, just so you know, that pee in the bed last night was yours, not mine…. Yeah I’m sure…. No as soon as I heard that coming out I grabbed my pants and ran out…. Yeah, I’ll need to come get my bra later.

(Group of guys, eating dinner in a dining hall.)

Guy 1: Oh, ew. What is that?

Guy 2: I’m covered in stink wax.

Guy 1: What?

Guy 2: I farted.

(Two guys, checking out at a grocery store late on a Saturday night.)

Cashier: Just juice, huh? Seems like everyone needs juice tonight.

Guy: Yeah. That’s it.

Cashier: Got lots of vitamins. Good for you. Not sure why ping-pong’s always so popular on weekends, though.

(Two guys, watching a computer monitor in an office.)

Guy 1: Well, that’s not that weird. I mean, my mom would probably do that if she had a camera.

Guy 2: No, no, wait. Just wait.

Guy 1: Oh. Oh, wow. Okay.

(Loud girl, loud guy, at a party.)

Girl: They call me Funny Erika!

Guy: I don’t get it.

Girl: ‘Cause I make people laugh.

Guy: Huh. Okay. Waiting.

Girl: Sorry, let’s talk after I get a few more shots in me.

Paris Hilton is giving up her partying ways. Again.

Oklahoma not really into a woman’s right to choose.

Jennifer Hudson shows off her new son.

Do you fart in front of your guy?

Michael Vick gets a reality show!?

10 rules of the pick-up.

“The Ultimate Hatelist” posted a list of things they assume we, the ladies of the world, like that they think are ridiculously stupid.

Okay, so maybe we do get a little excited if our horoscope says we have a romantic interest in our near future (the guy from Bio, maybe?) and a little frozen yogurt is totally refreshing on a hot day. Okay fine! Maybe we do love a lot of the things they list, which also include brunch (how fun is a mimosa date with the girls?), reality TV, and making t-shirts (we’re bonding okay?!).

But we don’t really think men should be judging, especially with the laundry list of stupid shit they like.

10. Fantasy Sports

“Hey, man how’d your team do?”You might think the guy is actually involved in some sort of extra curricular sports team, meeting on the weekends to play a little two-hand touch or throw a Frisbee. Totally hot, right? Wrong. Instead they are sitting on their ass in front of a computer screen, picking real athletes who they think may possibly play well that week, and assembling a “fake” team. Yes. That is it. If they happen to choose correctly, other men will then applaud them.

9. Fast Food

A burger here, some pizza there, totally fine. We’re all in college, and we all understand the accessibility and yumminess of fast food. But when you eat whole foot long meatball subs at every sitting and then complain that you are putting on weight and can’t lose it, you’re just being stupid. And the gut isn’t cute either, so maybe add some salads into that diet?

8. Reality TV

So fine, we are addicted to The Hills and can watch day-long marathons of Say Yes to The Dress, but who do you think keeps Real Chance of Love and Ice truckers on air? It sure as hell isn’t us girls.

7. Football Sunday…All Day

I love football. It’s totally great that one day a week Americans gather around their TV sets and root for their favorite team. But why this one event has to erase an entire day off the weekly calendar is beyond me. The game starts at 4, so the pre-show starts at 1 and the tailgate starts at 9. And we couldn’t possibly do anything afterward, because then there’s highlight clips and recaps of the game that we just watched. Oh you want another foot long meatball sub? My pleasure, I’ll be right back.

6. Poker

Don’t get me wrong, I love cards. I don’t even mind a little blackjack or five card every now and then. What is stupid is that men will sit for hours on end, cleaning out their pockets to the point where they are throwing favors and their car keys into the pot just to keep playing. What happened to a friendly game of poker? The fact that men will gamble away their whole wallet and think nothing of it is stupid.

5. Cars

Us girls can appreciate a nice car when we see one. We’ll even entertain your comments now and then (“yeah, those rims are really nice”). But this crazy obsession guys have with cars is beyond absurd; when a nice one rolls by it’s like they are rendered incapable of speaking, walking, or continuing whatever activity they were previously engaged in. They become drooling, gawking little boys. It’s the 21^st century; nice cars are everywhere. Get over it.

4. Sneakers

They rail on us for always wearing uncomfortable stilettos, but we think it’s stupid that they are always in dirty sneakers. Seriously, can they really be wearing the same shoes out to dinner that they just played baseball in? Perhaps we do tend to overdress, but it’s always better than being under-dressed. Especially in certain situations that demand looking put together (church, family dinners, meeting your parents).

3. Public Flatulence

We’re not going to go down the whole girls-are-pretty-and-never-fart road. Yes, we burp. Yes, we fart. And yea, we even poop sometimes. But it is stupid that boys relieve themselves in public, think it’s funny, and even congratulate each other for it. What is even remotely entertaining about filling the booth at a restaurant with your raunchy stank? I will never understand why men see this as an expression of their manhood.

2. Quoting Movies

Yeah, that line was funny…in the movie. But being able to quote (and recognize quotes) from every movie ever made A) doesn’t make you funny and B) doesn’t make you impressive. Guys just love quoting movies and frown upon anyone who doesn’t pick up on the obscure reference they just made to some random line from some random scene in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

1. Turning Everything Into a Competition

We totally understand being competitive in all things sports, physical and intelligence-related. Hell, even the ladies get a little crazy at a sporting event. But guys will turn anything into an opportunity to win. “Oh yeah? Well I can type faster than you and I know more Will Ferrell movie quotes. LET’S GO!”

"OMG. I can't believe I just called him the wrong name."

A few weeks ago, I asked one of my boys what guys were most afraid of in the bedroom. For him it was knockin’ a girl up. For me it was weird farty noises.

Needless to say, I felt a bit shallow. I mean, shouldn’t I be the one fearing a bun in the oven? And shouldn’t he just be scared of skid marks in his boxer shorts?

I wanted to know if I was alone, so this week I asked the CollegeCandy writers to share their biggest nightmares involving boys. Some of them have experienced them and others, thankfully, have avoided the awkwardness thus far. Luckily, I’m not alone in my fears. And even more luckily, none of this shiz has ever plagued me before.

I just pray and hope it never does.

Thu – USC: Standing up and discovering that you’ve started your period. Yup, Superbad status.

Elizabeth – UC Berkeley: Having gas while you’re hooking up.  Or even worse – farting in your sleep while they’re still awake.  Definitely guilty of that one.

Kayla – California State University, Sacramento: If my boyfriend ever found out about the ghastly habits I indulge in when I close the bathroom door, I would have to enroll in the Witness Protection Program.

Kim – Stanford: My worst nightmare in the bedroom was when his mother walked in on us, said sorry, but to come down for some cookies when we were done. True story.

Ava – NYU: Hmm, I think it would have to be vomiting on a guy. There’s a way in which drunk isn’t sexy…Luckily, this hasn’t happened to me. Let’s hope that never changes!

Lauren – University of Michigan: The time I clogged the toilet at a boy’s house. And he had to come in and help me clean it up. Just thinking about it gives me the chills.

Kay- Simmons College: Farting or queefing during the act is mortifying.

Lindsay – University of Texas: I had a sick stomach and my fiance and I were 69ing and I farted in his face. Most humiliating moment of my entire life. I have no clue why he’s still engaged to me.

Sarabeth – University of Texas: I’m always terrified that somehow in bed I’m going to end up kneeing him in the balls. I’d feel sooooo bad if that happened, and I take extra precaution to insure my knee is no where near the naughty bits.

Jordan – University of Miami: Trying to show off a hair-flipping sexy move from an exercise pole dancing class and giving him a bloody nose. So much for sexy.

Noa – CU Boulder: I hadn’t waxed my bikini line in a long time. When I was hooking up with this guy he took of my pants and actually said “Whoa.” I wanted to cry.

Sara C- Fordham: I was visiting my hometown crush at his school during my spring break. One day I was taking a shower, and in the middle of washing my hair I started to feel really ill. I called to him in the next room, he came in, and I threw up all over him. No, I wasn’t drunk. Yes, I was naked, with suds in my hair.

What do you fear most?

Farting is always inappropriate and embarrassing.  I will never support any form of butt cheek musicals.  However, I may be forced to change my mind after seeing this little piece of earth-shattering news: Tiger Woods farted.  He farted on the 18th hole of the Buick Open.  Oh yes people, this is news.  This is, in fact, the #1 most searched term on Google right now.  Shocked?  So am I.

However, if this story has taught me one thing, it’s that farting can overshadow more important events (like winning a golf tournament).  Sometimes that’s exactly what you need – a distraction.  Now I doubt that Tiger Woods farted to distract the world from him winning yet another golf thingy (yeah, I don’t care for golf), but seeing all this attention makes me wonder when else we could use a well-timed fart…

Cheating On An Exam – Obviously, you should never cheat on an exam.  But, if it’s at 8am on a Friday morning and you are wrecked from the night before, we’ll forgive you for not knowing the biological origins and genealogical history of lemurs.  You know, who does know that stuff?  That kid sitting right in front of you.  Uh-oh!  Your professor caught you leaning forward a bit too far and now has come to confront you.  What should you do?  Fart.  Fart right now so he’ll think you were just trying to shift around to make the fart silent.  Foolproof!

Breaking Up With Someone – Breaking up is hard to do (or so says Neil Sedaka) and is made even harder by all the different technologies on which we proclaim our relationships.  Still, breaking up face-to-face is the polite and acceptable thing to do (even though it’s awkward as balls).  What should you do to break that awkward silence and shift the attention away from the tense, heavy atmosphere?  Fart, of course!  He’ll be so distracted and surprised, you can both have a giggle and then part ways before he remembers what happened. (Or he’ll be so disgusted, you won’t be that difficult to get over….)

Interview - It’s a tough job market out there, so when you actually land an interview, it can be a pretty big deal.  You get new clothes, you make sure your hair and make up are appropriate and professional, and you prepare smart and informed questions about the job and the company.  Even after all this, interviews can be uncomfortable and extremely stressful.  Rather than sit through an awful silence while the interviewer eyes you with disinterest and you struggle to show them how brilliant you are, just let one rip.  This will break the ice and make sure that they won’t forget you when they’re looking at the four-foot high stack of resumes later.  Just make sure it doesn’t stink…

Bar Creeper – These dudes are notoriously hard to shake.  There is literally nothing you can do to throw off a bar creeper if he has his sights set on you.  “No” is a word that doesn’t seem to exist for them and you can forget about subtle hints that you want them to eff off.  You know what’s not so subtle?  Farting.  Even though I’ve never tried this particular tactic, I’m convinced that it will be effective.  Just make sure it’s loud enough to hear over the music (though, perhaps, not loud enough to be heard by everyone in the bar), otherwise your efforts will be wasted.  A smelly fart is also acceptable in this situation.

As a group, women do a really good job of hiding our less attractive qualities. We cover up our imperfections with makeup, we squeeze our “winter weight” into some Spanx, and we make our friends take our phones away so the guy we’re crushing on doesn’t know how crazy we really are.

And that is only scratching the surface.

Because men look at us like pretty, little, delicate flowers, there are so many things about women that most guys just do not know. Things that most women would be horrified to share and most men would be even more disgusted to know. But you know what? I don’t care. Women are people, too, and if guys can walk around scratching their balls, then we should be able to lay it all out there, too.

So in an effort to bridge the gap between the boys and the girls, I thought I’d let some dudes in on a few secrets we ladies have been keeping for.e.verrrr.

1. We fart. And sometimes, it’s loud. And if we’re trying to eat really healthy, it’s smelly.

2. We poop. We may even bring magazines or a laptop in there to pass the time. And if we’re really comfortable with someone, we’ll catch up on the phone. But always with a warning. We may be good at multitasking, but we aren’t inconsiderate a-holes.

3. We talk about farts and poop. And we laugh, because farts and poop are funny.

4. We don’t shower every day. We may argue that it’s bad for our skin or our hair looks better greasy, but sometimes we just don’t feel like showering. So we put on some deodorant and a few extra sprays of perfume and call it a day.

5. We like porn, too. Some of us like it more than others, and we probably don’t spend as much time watching it as dudes, but even ladies like watching a little nookie sometimes. Especially nookie involving a hot guy with chiseled abs, a tight butt and a rock hard glistening chest….

Oh, sorry. Got a little sidetracked there for a moment.

6. We can probably eat more than guys. Some ladies may stick to salads or half-portions of pasta when the guys are around, but bring us a cheese pizza and we can down that thing like it’s nobody’s business. And then we’ll follow it up with something chocolatey. Or fried. And not even break a sweat.

There you have it. All our secrets, right there on the table.
I feel so….free.

Pooping.

Peeing.

It’s all gross, which is why we do it in the privacy of our own homes. But, when is it OK to stink up your boyfriend’s bathroom or let him in when you’re peeing? Is it ever okay to poop or fart in front of your man? Let’s discuss.

I have been in a relationship for roughly eight months now and, while my boyfriend sees no problem with shoving me in a dutch oven, I personally haven’t been able to pass wind in front of him…yet. He was always very open with his bodily fluids in front of me – and I love him for it (“it” being that he feels comfortable with me, not the smell of his farts suffocating me under the covers). However, men definitely hold a double standard with females regarding the pooping/farting business.

While we haven’t crossed into the “me farting in front of my man” part of our relationship yet, we have gotten into the, “he pops into the bathroom when he knows I’m pooping,” situation. I normally yell and shriek for him to get out and he laughs and gives me my privacy. I don’t care if he comes in while I’m peeing – I have always been comfortable doing around him – but #2 is a whole different story.

There is a part of me that thinks you can get too comfortable with a significant other; I want him to find me sexy and a foul smelling bathroom situation may prevent that.

A girlfriend of mine has been dating her boyfriend for over four years and she still has never pooped or farted in front of him. 4 years! Some say that keeps the romance alive, others say its creating boundaries for your relationship. (Editor’s Note: I think it causes serious stomach cramping, but that’s just me.)

Some guys have no problem with the farting; they simply think its funny or could care less. Some guys are always freaking out when they hear girls talk about the bodily functions. “Girls don’t poop!” they scream. But we do, so why are we forced to hold it in when our boys are around?

What do you think ladies? Have you ever stunk up his bathroom or ripped a big one in front of your boyfriend? How did he react?

I know! I know! Everything that I do is intended to give John Sellers – and, by extension, all men – raging boners. I think of him all day long, from selecting my outfit in the morning until the moment that I slip between the covers to dream of his sweet, manly embrace. I imagine that it’s much the same for you. He is Details writer John Sellers, for God’s sake. The female half of the world hangs on his every byline.

Yet, in his recent piece, “The Hollywood Gross-Out Girls,” it’s clear that we have failed him greatly. It’s ostensibly about women who make fart jokes (or burp jokes, or poop jokes, etc.) and how horrible they are. (I know, right? Having a functional set of organs is totally grody. It’s even worse when women aren’t ashamed of their own bodies! Yuck.) Yet its underlying theme is far simpler: J.S. wants women – all women – to know that their purpose in life is to turn him on.

“It would be one thing if these female Shreks were cut from the same cloth as Roseanne Barr or Rosie O’Donnell,” he writes. “But the trouble is they’re all smoking hot. It’s their job to primp and preen and push stuff up to look sexy.”

That’s right: their JOB! Take a look at the offenders that he lists in his article: Cameron Diaz (burped on TV), Sarah Silverman (makes poop jokes), Avril Lavigne (spit in public). You might look at this list and think actress, comedian, musician. You would be wrong. No matter what these ladies do to earn a living, they share the same occupation: provider of masturbatory fantasies to John Sellers. And they are failing.

So, what does this gentleman find sexy? It’s clearly not fat chicks! Or Cameron Diaz! So, what is it? Tell us, John!

Most guys would agree that it’s kind of hot when women aren’t too girly. Far from being rendered intolerable by a few tomboyish traits, a woman who wants to go to a baseball game with you or skips a glass of rosé in favor of a few Buds at your favorite dive bar is a turn-on.

Got that, ladies? When you sacrifice your own interests so that you can do whatever your boyfriend wants, it’s TOTALLY HOT! Who wants a girl with her own hobbies, or – God forbid – her own favorite drink?

And lots of guys find a girl dressed in a hoodie, T-shirt, jeans, and sneakers to be sexy.

OH THANK GOD. It’s okay to wear pants sometimes, because they give dudes hard-ons! Before this article clued me in, my entire wardrobe consisted of sparkly thongs and high-heeled platforms. Let me tell you: the winters were tough.

Yet, although John has generously allowed us to wear clothing and drink beer, we’ll never be able to match the glory of real live dudes. Farting? Spitting? Running for President? Dudes have it all covered.

If we want to hang out with someone who behaves like a man, we’ll hang out with, you know, an actual man.

Of course. So, John: I know it’s cute when girls wear sneakers and know how baseball works – it’s like dogs wearing people clothes! – and gross when we act like “men” by, like, having autonomy and not tailoring our every gesture to please the dudes. But can you give us an example? Is there, perhaps, an actress on whom we could model ourselves?

See Natalie Portman, who rapped and swore mannishly (and hilariously) in a much-YouTubed Saturday Night Live sketch but has preserved her schoolgirlish appeal.

Oh, thanks John! That’s…. wait. WHAT? “Schoolgirlish appeal?” Oh my sweet Jesus, he likes women who act like little… EW.

EW. EW. EW.

Wait. Hold on. Let me collect myself.

OH NO OH GOD I CAN’T EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

I don’t have to explain why this is bad, do I? Everyone knows that it’s not OK to excoriate women publicly for not being “sexy,” because that’s based on the assumption that women exist to service men sexually, and that their worth is determined by men’s desire or lack of desire for said service. You go to college. You get it. So I’ll put aside the social critique, and say, simply, this:

I don’t normally laugh at fart jokes. But, for some reason, the idea of Cameron Diaz pinning this man down and farting on his face until he cries… well, that’s hilarious.