Chag Samach everyone! And no, that’s not a typo or a drunken slur. It’s how we Jews say “happy holiday” to each other during the high holidays. It’s right up there with our favorite sayings and is only beat out by “daaaddddyyyy” and “what was your Bat Mitzah theme?”

We’re now right in the middle of the Ten Days of Repentance, the week and a half following Rosh Hashanah during which Jews reflect on past sins they’ve committed and ask for forgiveness (kind of like Sunday Confession for you Catholics out there), as well as forgive those who’ve sinned against them (I always have a bit of trouble with this part…like, do I really need to forgive my friend for hooking up with my ex?). These ten days are supposed to prepare us for this weekend’s upcoming holiday, Yom Kippur. Otherwise known in my family as that day where every gets extremely cranky and hostile. Oh and extra bonus: my dad suddenly feels compelled to talk about his decreasing blood sugar every six minutes.

The Deal: Yom Kippur is the holiest day of the Jewish calendar. It’s the day that we ask God for forgiveness and for a good year ahead. Essentially, Jews believe that God decides on Yom Kippur whether or not the upcoming year will be the best ever, a living nightmare, or something in between. So, in hopes of swaying God’s opinion, we repent. We pray, we atone for our sins, we mourn those lost, and we look forward to a better future. It sounds depressing, I know, but it actually ends on an optimistic note and starts with the Kol Nidre service, which is absolutely gorgeous. We’re not allowed to play instruments, but the singing for this particular service is some of the most beautiful of all of our prayers. Unless your chorus has that token loud singer who insists on overshadowing everyone with her tone deaf voice. Like, you’re not Beyonce. You’re Shira Goldberg, head of the Scarsdale PTA.

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Somewhere between midterms and fall parties and oversized flannel shirts paired with black leggings tucked into slouchy crochet style Uggs, it hits you. It’s Halloween crunch time. One morning you roll out of bed and realize your roommates have already perfected their Village People getup, your best friend and her boyfriend are pop culture referencing the shiz out of Taylor and Kanye, and your pseudo-fratty neighbors have their imitation silk Wal-Mart robes ready to make Hugh Hefner proud.

But with T-minus 36 hours to arguably the biggest party night (week?) of the year, you got nothing. Eff. You need to throw something awesome together fast.

Never fear.

Here’s a quick list of insta-costumes, all using stuff you probably have in your closet already or can snap up at Target on the cheapsies.

Super Hero: Mid-drift baring Wonder Woman costumes are so overdone. And also $60. Ouch. Save yourself the cash and the killer ab workout and opt for bright swimsuit bottoms over leggings, topped with a cami or another snug-fitting top. Decorate with your monogram in masking tape or Google image search a cause—maybe you’ll be super pizza bagel girl, or captain celebrity gossip. Complete the look with one of those thick workout headbands; fashion a cape from a sheet, or make a run to the fabric store for something snazzier. Wear boots and recruit sidekicks.

Beyonce: This one may take a little more effort (and guts) but if you got it, work it. You can pick up a black leotard at Wal-Mart, or any dance supply store. From there, all you need is a gaudy ring, tall heels, taller hair (great time to break out the Bump It) and YouTube dance moves. Convince the boyf, or another suitable male, to go as Jay-Z. Otherwise, live it up as a single lady. Hello, Sasha Fierce. Read More »

Okay, picture this:

Your crush just called and said he/she would like to come over and hang out, and, for reasons unknown or maybe because life hates you, you blurted out, “Great! I was just making dinner!”

So now you have 15 minutes to make a tasty full-blown meal that will impress your crush–but without looking like you tried too hard. F*ck the mac ‘n’ cheese; make parmesan tilapia!

Parmesan Tilapia

serves 2

Stuffs Yous Needs:

2 filets of tilapia, 1/4 pound each

2 tbsp of parmesan cheese

1 1/2 tsp of lemon juice

1 tbsp of softened butter

1/8 tsp of basil (dried)

2 1/4 tsp of mayonnaise

1/8 tsp of black pepper (ground)

1/8 tsp of salt

1/8 tsp of onion powder Read More »

Beyonce must never get PMS.

That or her 20 days on the Master Cleanse must have been done strategically between visits from the red eyed monster, because how she could have fasted on water, lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper during the days of bloat and cravings makes – well, it just seems impossible.

Welcome to my Diet Diary. Or ‘Dietribes’, if you will. Each month, I will test out a diet and you can read all about the self-torture in inflict upon my body with all of the deprivation.

In truth, I generally try to be a very healthy eater and I’m concerned about the foods that go into my body, so the diets I will outline won’t be one of those slim fast or cookie diet jobs.

I am not doing the aforementioned crazy fast, but I bring it up because detoxing seems to be on everyone’s mind and various levels of detoxing are outlined in The New Detox Diet, by Elson M. Haas M.D (on the cover of the book, he’s also called The Detox Doc). Read More »