People can be monsters, and I don’t mean in the Lady Gaga sense. They can be downright vicious to others without even realizing the irreversible damage they cause in the process. Though I keep it hidden away in a corner of my mind, I have a lot of memories of this kind of often subtle ruthlessness. I spent most of my young life as “the fat girl.” This is what I remember.

I remember the rough cobblestone steps leading up to my grade school. I sat on them clinging my green vinyl lunchbox for all of recess when my classmates didn’t want to play with the fat new girl.

I remember how my first grade teacher would scowl and scrunch up her dark eyes when she watched me trying to tie my shoes. “How you struggle!” She sneered. She didn’t realize how much.

I remember how other kids in the school would pass me in the hallway and say, quite simply, “You’re fat.” Cue my self-consciousness forever.

I remember how my teachers would pass out school pictures to the class when they came back from the photographer. I knew I was about to get mine when they tightened their lips and dropped their eyes. Then they’d hand my pictures to me with the clear cellophane window face-down. They were that bad. Read More »

I did the most daring thing today. I purchased my very first bikini since I was 6. For many of you, this sounds like nothing worth merit; but for me it means a lot.

I’ve always been The Fat Kid who was constantly teased because my thighs were bigger than everyone else’s.

Even after puberty blessed me with hips and boobs to help evenly distribute my weight (thank you, puberty!), my big girl classification never left. In fact, it still dangles over my head as a constant reminder that I’ll never be small. I still never feel 100% comfortable in anything I wear and – despite having several flings and one serious boyfriend – the thought of talking to a guy makes my throat close up and my heart beat like crazy.

Instead of obssesing over my weight, I recently decided to learn to live with my curves and stop cursing them (even though I would like to change some things about my body for health reasons). While putting away clothes at my job at a retail giant I came across a gorgeous solid indigo bikini with with crystal accents. I couldn’t put it down. I just had. to. have. it.

So, I did. Read More »