So when I originally had the idea for this Weekly Ten my plan was to make a real list of first date faux pas – you know, like eating off your date’s plate and talking about the ex – but then I started thinking about it. None of these things have ever actually happened to me. And even if they did they wouldn’t even make the cut on the list of first date horror stories I’ve heard. I mean a date can recover from a little trip down memory lane, but it can’t recover from a date asking if he can take home your leftovers…

You think that’s bad? Just keep reading for some truly horrifying (and true!) first date faux pas.

10. Looking at other girls. Yes, guys have eyes. Yes, they’re attracted to women. Yes, it’s hard wired into them to seek out pretty girls in tiny garments. But there is a difference between subtly glancing at the woman next to you as she passes by and a guy openly gawking at that girl in the short dress so often that the guy serving your food tells him to cut it out. Happened to a friend of mine. True story ladies, true story.

9. Not understanding sarcasm. I don’t know if you ladies have noticed or not, but I am a very sarcastic person. It’s not my second language, but my first. It’s how I communicate. From me, snark is a form of love. So when a guy doesn’t understand that the opening of the Dunkin Donuts on my corner was not, in fact, the talk of the town for weeks we’ve got a bit of an issue, wouldn’t you say?

8. Insulting my major. Maybe not a major offense for most people. But it is for me. I am a proud English major, one who spends her free time reading and corrects people’s grammar in her head while they speak. I work hard in my classes and so do my classmates. So when upon answering the cliche “what’s your major” question with English, and receiving the response “Oh. That’s easy. I bet you never do any work” I was a tad bit insulted.

7. Excessive Bragging.  It’s okay to be confident. I like a guy with confidence. But when you can’t go more than five minutes without discussing your new apartment or just how much money you make or anything else related to you and how amazing you are then we have a problem. Actually, I have a problem and it’s called “the bathroom window isn’t big enough for me to sneak through.”

6. The Mute. First dates can be nerve wracking. Believe me, I know. But I don’t bite. (At least not most of the time.) So talk. Just a little bit. Or at least answer my questions with more than one word answers. I know that sometimes there’s chemistry and sometimes there’s just not but if you can’t even manage polite dinner conversation what exactly are we doing?

5. The Fix Up. More the well meaning couple’s fault than the actual blind date. But there’s nothing worse than going on a blind, double, first date, only find that the couple setting you up can barely stop their embarrassing amounts of PDA to introduce you to your guy. Awkward much?

4. Reckless Driving. I know what you’re thinking. What are you, a grandma? So the guy speeds a little. Give me a break. Yes, maybe you’re right. But a friend of mine once had a date where not only did the guy speed but he made an illegal u-turn and then proceeded to draw so much attention to him that he got pulled over by the cops. And he got a ticket. Fun first date, huh?

3. Paying for the drinks but not the dinner. Why explain it myself when there’s an entire CollegeCandy post dedicated to it. Read it. It will make you loath men on an entirely new level.

2. Taking home leftovers. No, not his leftovers. But mine. And not even leftovers. But French fries. And not even a lot of French fries. Because I ate a lot of French fries. And my burger. So it’s not like he paid for a meal that was going in the trash. But still he took home the ten French fries left in my dish. Yep.

1. Puking. Yes you read that right. And no I am not making this up. Just last month I went out with a friend. We were meeting her friend and his friend for drinks.We met at the house. They had a few shots. Then a few more. We started walking up to the bar, I turned my head to ask the guy a question and he was puking in the bushes. Full on puking. It was only 9 p.m. and we hadn’t even made it to the bar. Seriously?

Alright ladies. I’ve shared my worst date stories. Now share yours.

P.S. Get more rants in the form of a 10-item list right here.

So. Tempted. To. Give. Wedgie.

By now, we’re all familiar with the fashion atrocities committed by the male population.  No, sweaty dude, that mesh tank top does not look good on you.  Or anyone, really.  But women are not free from errors – actually, considering our traditional involvement with fashion, we make rather more mistakes.

In fact, that is the entire reason I read People magazine – the photo spreads that come out after major awards shows are priceless.  I mean, these celebrities have stylists!  How can these awful things happen??

Luckily, when I make a fashion faux pas, it usually goes undocumented.  However, it doesn’t always go unnoticed (thank goodness for my friends…the ones who truly care about me will tell me if I’m looking like a blind hooker as I’m walking out the door).  In the spirit of keeping our fellow ladies informed and aware (or end the unprovoked assault on our eyes as we walk down the street), we’ve made a list of the top five fashion faux pas’.

If you or any of your friends have done/are doing any of these…just stop.  Seek help.

Exposed Thong

We get it. You're wearing a thong.

At no point during daily life should anyone’s thong be on show, unless you’re working the pole.  In which case, that’s probably the only thing you’re wearing and you’re exempt from this one.  For the rest of us, thongs (and other undergarments) should remain safely tucked in to your clothing.  If you wanna advertise the goods, leave the wrapping out of it.

Quadraboob

No, four boobs are not better than two.

No matter what guys say, two boobs are enough for any girl.  That’s perhaps why quadraboob (when your bra cup is too small and your breasts literally runneth over) is so offensive.  Some seem to think that quadraboob is sexy, implying that your boobs are huge and you’re just a big pile of sex.  We (and humanity) disagree.  It’s just so…bumpy.  And it doesn’t help that quadraboob usually comes coupled with back fat.

No Bra

No one needs to know if your boobs hang low. Or how low, for that matter.

Even more disturbing than quadraboob is the no bra faux pas (rhyming things make terrible things seem better).  The bouncing, the swinging, the nipples…oh, the nipples.  Boobs just need support!  They need to be shaped!  Your shirt was not made for your boobs, it was made for your bra!  The bra really does make the woman and no bra makes a saggy-boobed hippie.

Muffin Top

I don't know about you, but I prefer my muffin tops with chocolate chips and coarse sugar.

We all know it.  We all hate it.  Yet why do we continue to see the muffin top invading our schools and storming our streets??  There are a million different stores to shop at, which means everyone has the option of finding a pair of pants/a skirt that will fit them.  Sure, you might have nice legs that are proportionally more lean than the rest of your body.  Show them off in a mini dress, sister!  Just don’t buy a pair of pants to showcase your gams and leave the rest of your body to hang over the edge.

Denim on Denim

Yes, jeans go with everything. Just not jeans.

Nothin’ says class like a denim tuxedo.  Let’s break it down:  Jeans are fantastic and probably the best fashion innovation ever.  Denim shirts are hideous, period.  Denim jackets, harmless though they may seem, are the hardest things to pull off.  You can’t wear them with jeans, even if the denim is a different color (it’s still denim).  You can’t wear them with a skirt, otherwise you risk looking like you’re in junior high in the midwest (I live there, so I’m allowed to say that).  Best to avoid any combination of denim whatsover and stick with jeans. On your legs. End of story.

Though I can usually throw together something appropriate for work or special events, about half of my clothing inventory consists of utterly ridiculous garments. It doesn’t help that I’m sentimental and can’t discard my prom dresses five years later, or that I’m waiting for certain trends to come back (though I’m pretty sure sparkly, sleeveless, turtleneck sweaters were never in style to begin with). And it definitely doesn’t help that I went through a goth/punk phase that a small part of the “professional” me desperately wants to revert back to.

As we all get ready for back to school, many of us will rummage through our closets and get rid of last season’s most shameful shirts, skirts, dresses, and pants in order to make room in our tiny dorm closets for upcoming styles (that we will undoubtedly regret in 2009 or 2010).

Here are some of my particularly embarrassing items.

1. Drawstring Khakis

I think that any pants that don’t have a numerical size should be left alone. So, why I bought these “Size L” drawstring pants with floral embroidery at the bottom is beyond me. They don’t go with any shoes, the trim is tacky, and they are so baggy that they make my ass look like a misshaped Volvo. I used to wear them to lounge around, because a lack of a waist obviously equals comfort; however, I made the mistake of wearing them out of the house one extremely hungover day. In public. With friends. My friend turned to me and said, “If you ever wear those pants again, I will cut them off your body.” Point taken.

Final Decision: Toss ‘em.

2. Early 2,000′s skirt from Wet Seal

In my high school yearbook, I was photographed for Amnesty International wearing a purple skirt from Wet Seal with a paisley-ish print and purple sequins along the bottom. I still own that skirt, and I still wear it. So, first of all, the skirt is practically vintage; second, I am far too old to shop at Wet Seal; third, it’s left over from freaking high school.

The strangest part? When I wear it, I get an avalanche of compliments. Everyone says I look pretty, they love my skirt, blah blah blah. Who knew?

Final Decision: It’s a keeper!

3. Girls’ Size 14 Hannah Montana Dress

Here’s a tip for all of you shopaholics out there: Don’t go shopping with a very strong buzz on. You might decide to buy a dress from the little girls’ department of Mervyn’s.

This monstrosity is a silver A-line dress with a black netting overlay, and Miley Cyrus’ face emblazoned on the front left side. In my drunken shopping stupor, it seemed like a great dress to own! Sadly, it’s already gotten worn twice this summer: once to a bar, where it actually got a lot of compliments, and once to a “Hot Tranny Mess” theme party.

Final Decision: I definitely won’t wear this to a job interview, but you never know when an opportunity to dress as “Post-Op Hannah MonTRANa” will arise. Keep it.

4. White and Green Floral Strapless Dress from David’s Bridal

I bought this dress for a wedding last summer. What’s so shameful about it? Well, in the last year, I lost enough weight that my chi chi’s can no longer hold the top up.

Furthermore, this pattern was apparently all the rage for bridal parties last year. So while the dress itself is simple and pretty, I’ve since seen many wedding albums on Facebook in which the bridesmaids are all wearing this dress. And knowing the way people talk about bridesmaid dress nightmares, owning the same dress (and picking it out myself!) is just shameful.

So basically, the thing doesn’t fit, it totally outs my “I’m not afraid to wear last season this season” mantra, and wherever I wear it, I run the risk of someone coming up to me and gushing about how they wore the same dress as a bridesmaid in a wedding.

Final Decision: Time to toss it.

5. My collection of FCUK t-shirts

Let me begin by mentioning that all of my French Connection tees were purchased IN the United Kingdom, and it drives me crazy to see “Too Busy to FCUK” t-shirts sold in the U.S. because that would make it FCUSA, wouldn’t it??

Anyway, during my stint in England a few years ago, the FCUK puns were at their peak. I have a “Guaranteed FCUK” shirt, a “Too Busy to FCUK” shirt, and a “Do I FCUK” shirt. I also have a “FCUK Down Under” shirt that a friend bought me in Australia, but again, if it wasn’t bought in the UK, it should really say “FCOZ” down under, or whatever you would call Australia. Whatever.

Not only are the shirts mildly inappropriate to wear in public (especially around grandmothers and children), but it’s really hard to find a good size. I’ve tried on Mediums and Larges, and they just don’t quite make the grade. I also have an extra-Large tank top that says, “Massive Hits…FCUK FM” straight across my massive tits, but I don’t even wear XL sizes anyway.

Final Decision: I should toss them, but they remind me of fun times in Picadilly Circus. So I will fold them, store them, and promise to never wear them. As an even trade-off, I will get rid of my “Hooters: Off-Campus” t-shirt and matching Hooters gym shorts. Is that fair?

So, the last thing you have time to do is pick out a cute little outfit to wear to class. I know, I understand.

But think about it this way…your pajamas are ugly.

Huge cotton pants with Care Bears all over them are cute when you’re watching TV at 10 PM…not so cute when you’re fetching coffee at 10 AM.

And as the day goes on pajamas scream “I didn’t take a shower today!” louder and louder until it’s 3 PM and (one would hope) you feel utterly silly.

So, I’m taking the time to beg all of you: Don’t wear pajamas to class! Unfortunately, this PJ trend is picking up a bit of steam and while I’m no fashion guru, I am so disappointed!

How difficult is it to throw on some jeans an a t-shirt? Put on an old hoodie!

Geez, I’d even allow UGGS if it meant you didn’t wear slippers. I mean, even those are picking up steam as totally trendy!

Dignity is something to be valued…and if it’s one of those days where you feel the urge to wear PJ’s to class, you’re going to need all the dignity you can get.