Got room for some condoms in there?

OK, so you have your bedding, your towels, and your laptop; you think you’re ready to move off for your freshman year of college. Before you go, though, there are a couple of things that a freshman might not think to bring that will make dorm life a million times easier.

Take it from me, after 2 years in the dorms, I have this down to a science. Make room in those duffels, people; there are ten more things you’re going to have to squeeze in there.

#1 Tool Box
Yes, seriously, a tool box. My freshman year roommate had a brilliant aunt who bought her a mini tool kit as a high school graduation present (it was pink and girly). We used that thing more than anything else in the room. Yes, even our TV. Your bike break? A nail fall out of that little nightstand you bought from Ikea? Your ex leave something valuable at your place and you want to smash it? (JK….sorta.) You’ll have everything you need in that little box. Guys down the hall even borrowed our tools, so it’s even a social item!

#2 Condoms
This should just be common sense. Even if you don’t plan on having sex in college, you seriously never know what will happen, so be smart and prepare! The best part is that this one you don’t really even need to buy; most schools give them away for free at the student health center, so hop on over there and stock up.

#3 Duct Tape
This one is along the same lines as #1; it pretty much fixes anything. But beyond that, there’s some awesome stuff you can do with duct tape for really cheap room decor! I’ve seen everything from duct tape vases to closet doorway “beads.”

#4 Oven Mitt
Believe me when I say the stuff that you make in your little dorm microwave is HOT. I’ve burned my fingers on too many Easy Mac bowls to not give this as advice. Save your fingers, get a mitt!

#5 Febreeze
Whether you ran out of clean clothes and don’t have time (or quarters) for laundry, you spent the night at a frat party surrounded by drunk smokers, or you’ve been doing your own smokin’ in the dorm room and don’t want the R.A. to find out, Febreeze will save the day every time.

#6 Mini-Vacuum
Probably my dumbest move of freshman year was getting a navy blue rug. That sucker showed every.single.spec.of.dirt.EVER. I ended up buying a little, mini-vacuum for $10 and it was soooo handy, and not just for the rug. Or all those times I spilled Rice Krispies. Without being able to open windows, dust gathers much faster in a dorm room. It was a life saver for my allergies.

#7 First Aid Kit
Make your mom happy and get a small thing of Band-Aids, aspirin, triple antibiotic ointment, and various other helpful items. You’re not going to be invincible; you will get cuts and scrapes…and hangovers. This will be your best friend until the end.

#8 Message Board for Your Door (with an attached marker!)
This is crucial if you have a roommate. You will most likely go days without seeing each other with all the studying, classes, and late night activities you’ve got going on. This is the best way to keep in touch with a hectic schedule. My roommate and I always had a “code drawing” so that if we had a guy in the room, we’d draw it and the other roommate would know to vacate the premises. It’s also great to leave each other nice messages to cheer each other up!

#9 Book Light
Yeah, desk lamps are great, but one you can clip on to your book is even better. Roommates often live on opposite schedules and you must prepare for that. My freshman year roommate always studied when I was trying to sleep, and my sophomore roommate always slept when I studied. It really makes everyone happy when you just get a mini book light. You can see what you’re reading, and your roommate won’t be disturbed.

#10 Sewing Kit
Buttons fall off. Clothes rip. Costumes need jerry-rigging. So much stuff can be fixed with a needle and thread. Fortunately, I worked in the theater department’s costume shop my freshman year and learned how to sew. If you don’t know how, find someone who does and get a quick lesson before you head off to college. Then pack this tiny life saver. Hell, it might even be a form of income; the guys next door to me would pay me to fix their stuff for them. Beautiful.

Yes, an Altoid for your lady parts.

Linger, the company behind this crazy idea, has created a sweetened mint “which was created to flavor the secretions of a woman when she is sexually aroused.” This slow releasing tablet freshens your…er…vagina breath (?) for up to 60 minutes so that “your partner will want to spend more time tasting the new you.”

And all I have to say is…. well, I have a lot to say.

“The new you”?! This isn’t a new me, it’s the old me with a mint shoved up my cooter. This whole “women need to be super self conscious about their vaginas” thing is getting old. If you shower on a regular basis, your vagina and its odor are completely fine. The secretions are natural, and necessary to keep our lady parts healthy. And I think it’s about time we love our vaginas, and all the natural juices that come with them.

Not to mention that this tin of mints costs $8. Why don’t we just shove a stick of Spearmint up our vagina’s? A pack only costs 3 bucks and it would do the same thing. And since when have vagina’s become monsters with dragon breath and a set of vampire teeth ready to chomp away on a mint?

I say absolutely not, Linger. When men start Febreezing their balls pre-foreplay, we’ll consider mints for the lady parts. Until then, whoever is “spending time tasting me” will just have to suck it up (pun intended) and enjoy the old, me. Natural flavors and all.

But what are the kinds of things that you would never want to find in your guy’s room? Besides the very obvious (unrecognizable panties, bras, earrings, condom wrappers) I can name a few…

1. Super Creepy Porn.

You can pretty much accept the fact that there will be some form of porn in your guy’s room at some point. You can also be fairly sure that you will accidentally intercept said pornography via mail, browser history or that shoebox under his bed. (Tip: boys don’t want you to surprise them with spring cleaning; you probably shouldn’t want to surprise them with it either.) No big deal, I say, come to terms with the fact that while your guy absolutely loves hooking up with you, he will still want to look at porn. It’s just a different outlet for their sexuality and can actually improve your sex life when seen from the right perspective. Additionally, it’s a good substitute for when your boyfriend wants to get it on (always) and you don’t (rarely, but it happens). If there were no porn there would be an abnormally high amount of blue balls or of extremely exhausted girlfriends.

All the benefits of porn aside, though, there are some types you don’t want to find. I’m not even talking about anal, little people or ridiculously oversized toys (all pretty normal in porn-world.) I’m talking animals. I’m talking leprechaun-on mermaid-on Easter bunny 3-ways. I’m talking about really flattering pictures of you superimposed over the faces of “interacting” nuns (definitely not real Catholics). Unless your man has previously shared his kink-tastic ways with you, skeevy porn is definitely something you do not want to find in your man’s room…unless you’re into it…

2. Bloody Clothes.

You’d think this would be a pretty huge red flag, but there are plenty of excuses as to why your man might have bloody clothes in his room. Perhaps he is an outdoorsman who enjoys slaughtering deer on weekends. Maybe he was building you a birdhouse and things went seriously wrong with the electrical sander. Or, for those of use with the more typical college boyfriend, he was drunk and tripped on/punched/tried to cartwheel over something and got hurt doing it. All of those reasons aside, should you find a duffel bag with a black turtleneck, jogging pants, ski mask and/or machete covered in blood, run for the hills, girl.

3. A Shrine-Like Gathering of Your Personal Items.

Remember Helga from “Hey! Arnold”? Yea, the crazy blonde who built a very realistic rendition of Arnold out of his used gum. Well you just found a creepily similar statue tucked behind your man’s winter coats. It’s a great complement to the ring of scented votives in a circle around the pair of panties you wore the first time you two hooked up (you knew they went missing…), a suspiciously your-hair-colored hairball, pictures of you undressing that look like they were taken from a distance and old love letters…to your ex-boyfriends, dating back to Aaron from 4th grade. I can’t see how this would be construed as flattering, so don’t even let that thought enter your head, ladies – Noah built Allie a house, not a shrine. Hint: if you find this in his closet, I’d start looking around for the bloody clothes, just to be sure…

4. His “Meds.”

If one day you are innocently on the hunt for some ibuprofen and you find his prescription for anti-psychosis meds, it’s probably not a great sign. If you continue to look for more pills that he neglected to tell you he was on and find a cocktail of Xanax, Percocets, Valtrex and Penicillin it’s definitely a bad sign. Either homeboy has some serious dirt to spill about his last few check-ups, or you might just be dating a drug dealer. Either way, not disclosing certain ailments he has (STD’s, mental disorders, the usual) is a serious breach of trust and needs to be dealt with right away. My suggestion is to call the cops on his RX-happy ass or, if you’re into illegal activity and desperately in need of Spring Break funds, swipe ‘em and ask your most trusted sketchy friend where a gal goes about selling these kinds of things.

5. His other phone.

We all know that going through a loved one’s phone is a huge invasion of privacy and can often end in a breakup (as opposed to going through a stranger’s phone that you found at Happy Hour before returning it to them, which can often end in hilarity.) But let’s say you’re just lounging around one morning that you skipped class, watching some Ellen while your honey picks up bagels for some breakfast in bed. You hear a strange humming, it’s not your phone, and you check his charger—nope, not his phone either. But this vibration is pretty persistent, almost as persistent as an ex-girlfriend trying to get in touch with your boyfriend…

With this hunch, you get up to investigate, put Ellen on mute, and walk around the room listening for the bzzzz. You slowly open his sock drawer, where a mysterious blue light is glowing from the dress sock section (ok he probably doesn’t have his socks categorized, but you get it). You pick up a phone that you’ve never seen before. Michelle Great Rack is calling. You answer, presumably to help this Michelle put her great rack to use with whoever this phone really belongs to, only to have her coo your boyfriend’s name in a very phone-sex inducing voice. After explaining to Michelle that she and her rack have been aiding a cheating lying scumbag, you sift through dirty texts, inappropriate pictures, and AIM conversations so smooth your soon to be ex could be in a shaving cream commercial. You forward a few choice messages to your guy’s “legit” phone before calling him and telling him what you found in his room.

What would make you run screaming from your man’s apartment? Have you ever found any of the above items? Did you stick around long enough to tell him why you won’t be sleeping over anymore?