Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’ve recently hit the 1-year mark in my relationship and everything is going great.  Except for one key thing – the sex.  It seems everytime I try to initiate anything with the boy I get shot down.  It used to be nearly daily, even when I first started school and now its fizzled down, and he wont give me a direct answer why.  I’ve tried talking to him and thats doing as well as it would were I talking to a brick wall.  Granted he did recently find a job after being unemployed for several months, but it’s not exactly a stressful one, and it’s only a few times a week. I’m there through everything he goes through and the rare times he DOES want to initiate something, of course I’m down – I just want to know why he shoots me down when I’m the initiator.

Sincerely,
Am I still wanted?

Dear Am I still wanted?,

I mean, yeah, probably.

Sex is like a wave, see? Or the wind. Or like–

Okay, what I’m trying to say is, sex drives ebb and flow. You dig? So, sometimes, as a couple, you may have sex every day, and sometimes you guys may only have sex once a week. It’s not a big deal.

And these things are especially sensitive to changes in lifestyle. Even though your BF may not be totally stressed out, he’s still having to shift his focus to something new. He may just be a little worn out. Try not to take it personally.

What IS a big deal, however, is that he isn’t being accommodating.

It’s like, okay, once you enter into an adult relationship and the agreement is you’re having sex and everyone’s happy, that’s a set rule. When one person suddenly doesn’t want to have sex, they actually DO owe the other person an explanation.

So he better start talking.

Also, kiddo, it’s pretty messed up of him to assume he’s the only one who decides when you have sex. It’s cruel to constantly shoot down a sexual partner. As you now know, it really floops up a person’s self-esteem.

So, although I don’t think there’s anything seriously wrong in the way he’s feeling about you, I DO think there’s a discussion that needs to be had. Sit that fool down and tell him he’s hurting your feelings. Explain that you totally get he’s stressed out and you’re happy to accommodate him, but that he needs to let you know how he’s feeling so you don’t take it personally.

And he also should really give you SOMETHING even if he doesn’t feel like going all the way. For instance, if he’s too tired for sex but you’re all revved up, he could offer to do an easier sexual favor for you.

Have this talk and keep it light. Don’t attack him and you’ll get a better, more honest response.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

A good rule of thumb is that whoever you’re having sex with — be it a boyfriend or a friend of yours, constantly ensure there’s a certain level of mutual respect. In following that rule myself, I’ve avoided a lot of really awkward situations and a lot of hurt feelings. But I’ve seen so many ladies in my life (and so many ladies that write for CC) both treat others and be treated like garbage after giving it up. And I gotta stand up and say that it ain’t right!

So many people point fingers at sexual activity as the reason for low self-esteem, but it’s not quite that simple. Even doin’ it, putting your clothes back on, and leaving right after can be a positive experience. It’s not about the sex, per se, it’s about how we feel we’ve been treated during the whole interaction.

As easy as the whole hook-up thing seems, once you’re in it, it turns out it’s pretty murky water to navigate through.  The NSA scene that’s been showing up everywhere horny young adults tend to congregate seems to have killed the part of college culture that encourages us to treat our sex partners with respect.

Yes, sometimes sex happens randomly with people we would not be having sex with if there wasn’t whiskey sour coursing through our veins. But, that doesn’t mean that they’re not worthy of being treated like people. Even if you are “using” someone for sex, it’s typically nicer not to treat them like that is the case. Sure, don’t fake feelings, don’t pretend it’s something it’s not, but there needs to be a certain level of decency.

There’s nothing wrong with casual sex so long as the people involved have agreed that it’s casual. I can’t tell you how many times friends (or myself that one time) have been involved in situations where one person assumes it’s casual and the other assumes it’s leading to more. As most of you have probably realized, I’m a big proponent of honesty, and leaving out something like “I just want to f*ck you, and that’s it” tends to lean not only towards being dishonest but also being disrespectful.

Ladies, if you’re going to let some guy put his P in your V (even if it’s just for one night), make sure it’s someone who deserves to do so. It’s possible to have casual sex while still being honest, mature and respectful. It can be a damn good experience if those factors are involved, and a really sh*tty one if they aren’t.

There’s nothing wrong with saying hello to your Friday night booty call when you see him in the hallways. There’s nothing wrong with starting a conversation at a party with that guy you hooked up with that one time. There is something wrong though, with having sex with someone and then pretending they don’t exist. It’s possible to be decent without seeming like you have ulterior motives. People, even the ones that you take home while drunk, are still people, and they deserve to be treated just as well (if not better) than people you haven’t had sloppy sex with.

When in doubt, just think “what would Tucker Max do?”… and then do the exact opposite.

OK, they’re not making out, but they’re getting pretty damn close. In one example (true story) I witnessed a group of hockey guys actually doing body shots off of one another. Yes. Whipped cream and all.  Talk about a physically pursued bromance.  In other examples, I have been exposed to drunken snuggle fests (including fights for big spoon), long embraces, and the occasional butt slap.

Like dudes, whoa, save it for the locker room.

Was this some sort of sociological discovery? Were guys actually more intimate and emotional with one another than we had all thought? Was I going to be honored with some sort of Nobel Prize for my “research” in gender studies?

Hm, maybe not. While guys may hug it out from time to time, they’re still not sharing any sort of feelings. At all. In fact, two of the very same guy friends who have weekly Bro Dates built into their schedules were hooking up with the same girl at the same time and had no idea.

How could that be? Considering how much time they spend together, how could that never come up? What the hell are guys talking about?

Sports, apparently. In a recent article studying the difference between men’s and women’s friendships, Jeffrey Zaslow explains that while women’s friendships are face to face, “men’s friendships are side by side: We play golf. We go to football games.” (Editor’s Note: Read it! It’s really interesting!) Guys don’t talk about their feelings or their personal lives when they’re hanging out, they talk about whatever’s happening right then and there, be it a video game, a TV show or some really sick shot they just made on the golf course.

Is that weird? To us girls, yes. We’ll discuss our feelings wherever and whenever we get the chance. But, to be completely honest, it would be a whole lot weirder if, mid body shot, one burly boy looked at the other and said,  “Dude, this makes me feel really insecure.”

So I guess, despite all the spooning, guys’ and girls’ relationships really are quite different. No Nobel Prize for me, but at least I’ve got some good blackmail pics in case I ever need them.

[Got a Dude itch you just can't scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dearest Dude,

I’ve waited for a second chance with this guy that I’m crazy for. I’d do anything for him and he is amazing. We get along so well. About a year ago, we had a fallout because of my mistake of telling him I love him. I’m back with him, but not romantically. How do I get out of the friend stage the right way this time?

Confusedly,
Crazy

Dear Crazy,

You’re trapped in the friend zone and Mr. Right is behind the glass but you can’t break on through to the other side (did I really just quote The Doors?). This is a predicament I’m tragically familiar with (although it was Ms. Right). I’d love to cook up cleaver quips and dish a little common sense on the side, but this time I’m forced to leave you with a bitter taste…

You can’t force someone to feel something they don’t feel. And it’s never a mistake to let a person know how deeply you care for them.

You have to accept the relationship you’re in, not hinge your happiness on a relationship that doesn’t exist. By wallowing in the masochistic madness of self-doubt, the constant fear of revealing your feelings, and therefore perpetually holding back, you’re not even able to offer everything you can to the friendship. You’re only showing him half (maybe three quarters) of the wonderful person you are and the depth of character you possess.

The boom I’m lowering sucks. No argument. But you have to ask yourself a few questions:

“Do I want to be with someone who I have to manipulate into loving me?”
“Is it fair that I have to hide my feelings in order to have any kind of relationship with him?”
“If he’s ‘the one’ for me, but he doesn’t think I’m ‘the one’ for him, is he really ‘the one’?”

Answers: 1, no. 2, no. 3, no (at least not right now.)

Now I’m not knocking the possibility of friendship blossoming into lifelong love; When Harry Met Sally… has burned that possibility into our brains. And almost every teen romantic comedy is a story about one person chasing the ideal when they belong with the best friend. But this is slice of life, not a sliver of the silver screen.  You asked how you can get a second chance, but from what you said, it sounds like he never even gave you a first.

He doesn’t love you. Not because you’re unworthy but because he’s incapable of loving you. There’s nothing you have to prove to him, there’s only what you feel the need to prove to yourself: that you deserve to be loved. You do. But you have to believe that. You have to start treating yourself fairly. Let your eyes wander elsewhere. Don’t cut yourself off from every other guy by being convinced that they can’t live up to the one who doesn’t want you. You’ll find there is someone worthy of you. And you won’t have to hide any part of yourself to be with him.

With love,
The Dude

Okay, so, like, email your questions to TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and, like, maybe get them answered or whatever. And, like. You know.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Okay Tuffy here’s the sitch – I have this really close group of friends back home and it’s made up of girls and guys. My best friend and this guy in the group used to date like 2 years ago. He broke it off with her and they were never boyfriend and girlfriend. We’re all really good friends now but I know for a fact that she’s harbored some under-the-surface feelings of him for over a year. The bigger problem is I seem to have developed feelings for him as well. I know for a fact he isn’t interested in my friend (and I’d be willing to bet a lot that he’s not interested in me either).

I can’t talk about this with any of my friends because they know the guy and the girl and I really don’t need this coming out. I want to be able to persue something with this guy without hurting my friend who means more to me than anyone else in the world, but I also know she has no claim over a guy she dated two years ago for less than a month. Oh and the guy and the girl? Yeah they also live together since they go to the same school. Advice?

Love,
Doomed

Dear Doomed,

Oh, honey. Ohhh, honey.

You know what I’m going to tell you. And you know you’re not gonna like it. So I’m just gonna come and say it, all right?

You “know she has no claim over a guy she dated two years ago for less than a month.” But you also know that, if you go for someone you know your best friend has feelings for, you will absolutely ruin the friendship and also be a big fat douchebag.

You say this girl means more to you that anyone. So, Doomed, why doom your friendship with her over anyone, no less someone you say you’d “be willing to bet” doesn’t have feelings for you either? Honey, it just does not make fiscal sense. Lose a friend and get little to nothing in return. Why?!

I see no signs of true love or anything like that in your letter. You have developed feelings for him. Okay. Well, we all get crushes. But if you don’t act on it, eventually it will go away. However, once you make a move on this guy, chances are your relationship with your friend is through. By making a move on a guy you know she has feelings for, who she lives with, for garsh sakes (and, like it or not, thereby has a greater claim to him), you become completely untrustworthy. If you care about her feelings, don’t make it seem like your relationship with her is second to any slim chance you might have with him.

My advice to you? Find someone else. Seeing if there’s a small chance things might maybe possibly work out with this guy is SO not worth losing your best friend.

XOXO,
Tuffy

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I know I lead a charmed life by any standards. I’m single during my senior year, I love my family, I have the most amazing friends, I go to a great school, and I live within five blocks of the most scrumptious fro-yo in the world. Life is great. So why the heck didn’t I feel as great as I should?

Well, even now, a few weeks later and finally back in Happyville, I don’t have an answer to that question. Something was just off, and I can’t really explain what it was. All I know is it’s over now thanks to a few things I did for myself. If you’re feeling funkadelic (and not the good kind) – whether caused by boys, school, or an unsolved perpetrator – maybe a few of these activities will help you claw your way out.

Outdoor Activities: Exercise gives you endorphins and endorphins make you happy (and happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, as Elle Woods would say). So get out and go for a hike, or play tennis, or take a dance class! Go solo or with friends, either way, take some time for yourself!
Set a short-term goal for yourself; reaching goals will give you a sense of accomplishment, which generally makes people feel happy and productive. Setting an attainable, short term goal will force you to be proactive and get you motivated.

Even better, make a to-do list of things you want to accomplish and add a few tasks on there that you’ve already completed. Then cross them out. That black line of ink you drag across a bullet point on a to-do list is one of the best feelings in the world. All hail you, master of the list.

Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food/Chunky Monkey: This is sex in a carton. The food gods literally captured sex and bottled it up for the world to enjoy. Both flavors offer chocolaty goodness that you can’t find anywhere else. Yeah, it’s not the healthiest approach to life, but indulging in this will make you feel better, I swear. If you’re worried about the calories and your funk is from the new muffin top you’re sporting, try Skinny Cow ice cream and ice cream sandwiches. They’re almost as good and half the calories (but really, nothing beats Chunky Monkey).

Mani-Pedi: This time-honored tradition can’t be overlooked. There is something magical about getting a mani-pedi at a cheap, local salon. The manicurists may talk about your bad cuticles, but you won’t ever know it, so sit down in the big comfy massage chairs, read all the trashy tabloid magazines, and relax. A little polish can do wonders for your mental health.

Go See a Movie By Yourself: You won’t have to share the popcorn or the arm rest. It’s glorious. This seems intimidating at first, but will give you some major confidence as you see a movie stag and do an activity just by yourself. Nowadays, we are always surrounded by people, whether in your environment or through texting and Facebook, so it’s nice get away every once in a while and hang out with the coolest person you know (yourself, obvi.).

What about you? Have you been in a rut recently? If so, what did you do to get out of it?

This week’s article warns men to get rid of emasculating trends in their relationship. I didn’t realize this was such a problem, but apparently men are being emasculated from coast to coast and someone at AskMen thinks it needs to stop.

And he means business.

The article puts men in their place right from the start: “When women emasculate us, it’s often because we let them do it. Our wives don’t want to think of us as anything less than men — they only think about us like that when we act like that. All those emasculating trends in our relationships, we’re complicit in them. If you no longer feel like the man of the house, it’s at least partly your fault.”

Of course, showing any signs of having an actual human soul will lead your girlfriend to see you as a girly child and treat you as such. If you’re not pounding your chest and tearing the flesh off a dead zebra, something is very, very wrong with you. And your lady hates it.

Let’s see what the “men” at AskMen advises the boys to do:

AskMen says: Stop asking for her opinion… It can get dangerously easy to defer to her when making a simple decision, like which restaurant to go to, either because you want her to be happy or because you honestly don’t care. There’s nothing wrong with asking for input periodically, but incessantly asking her what she wants to do tonight, or what she’s thinking about, will only irritate her.

I say: I would love a man to ask my opinion on something and actually care what the response is. It shows that you really care about someone when you consider their own wants and needs as well as your own. And, no, I don’t think a guy is super girly if he asks me what restaurant I’d prefer.

Askmen says: No good can come from baby talk. It’s one of the most common emasculating trends in a relationship. You may think it’s cute; she may think it’s cute, but we can guarantee she doesn’t think it’s sexy, and in a relationship sexy trumps cute 100% of the time.

I say: I baby-talk with my boyfriend and love it. We both recognize that it’s a bit ridiculous, but it’s fun to have a break from proper English now and then. And I may not find it sexy, but he does.

Askmen says: Stop whining… We understand she’s your significant other, and if you’re worried about losing your job or about your Dad’s health, she’s obviously your go-to person. Just try to keep minor annoyances to yourself.

I say: This is probably good advice for relationships and friendships. No one wants to be around someone who can only see negatives in life. But don’t be afraid to talk to your girlfriend if something is really bothering you, even if it is just a little thing like an mean comment from a coworker or a headache. It will probably make her feel good to know you want to go to her with that stuff. This is a relationship, after all – aren’t we supposed to put our guards down and be who we are?!

Askmen says: One way to remind her you’re a man, is to remind her she’s a woman. So get traditional. Take her out to dinner and choose the restaurant yourself. Buy her flowers and open the car door for her. Pay for the meal. Going a little old school is a great way to reverse emasculating trends. It will remind her that you’re a gentleman — emphasis on the man part. You’re a guy who can take care of her and make her feel like a lady.

I say: Ah, gender roles at their finest. Any women would appreciate a nice meal or flowers now and then, but remember that we don’t need men to take care of us and make us ladies.

All in all, this article is basically a bunch of gender stereotypes compiled into a neat little list. It’s about time men stop worrying so much about being “men” and start focusing on being humans. Because the most emasculating thing of all? Turning to a website to teach you how to be a “real man.”

Take that, AskMen.com!

Ah, the Shy Guy: that rare specimen of man who you’ll never overhear  talking bragging about some meaningless hook-up. You won’t find him at parties or see him hamming it up for the ladies. He’s sweet, modest and avoids being the center of attention at ALL costs. Odds are, he’ll be the one sitting in the back of class, avoiding eye contact with the professor when he or she scans the room for a volunteer.

He’s pretty much adorable, really. Mysterious, intriguing, sensitive, endearing … a diamond in the rough (“the rough” being the obnoxious, masochistic guys that are just way too common in college). Shy guys are hot. Think Michael Cera. Mmmm.

No? Just me?

Anyhoodle. You’ve caught him glancing furtively in your direction on many (many) occasions. You’re interested. He’s interested. But the two of you both know there aren’t gonna be any suave, hey-baby-what’s-your-sign moves on his part. So, short of holding up a “Hey. You’re cute. I’d say yes if you asked me out” sign, how d’ya go about meeting/cracking open the shy guy?

Approach him casually and strike up a small convo. While he prrrobably won’t be bowling you over with witty banter and charm, he won’t run away. Do most of the talking, but toss in lots of open-ended questions. Just keep it light and impersonal at first: topics like homework, professors, something on the news. Do this a few times a week to establish a bond and tear down that wall he’s got up.

Spend time as friends, without pressuring him about dating. Hang out with him alone, rather than with your other friends. Be patient. It takes the shy guy some time to become relaxed and show his true self.

Be approachably attractive. The root of shyness is insecurity, so it’s more than likely that he thinks you’re out of his league. So now isn’t the time to try out cutting edge fashion or over-the-top makeup. Try for “cute” rather than intimidatingly gorgeous (that’s a toughie, I know).

Arrange a few quiet dates if he doesn’t get up the nerve to ask you out. Keep it casual, and— again — keep it one-on-one. Clearly, the shy-guy isn’t going to do well in a large group of your girlfriends shrieking about vibrators. Choose something low key and easy like a movie, where there’s less pressure to talk.

Gauge his feelings for you. Talk about what you’re both looking for in a person, and drop hints that what you’re looking for is him.

Help him feel confident around you. Every male has an ego — find ways to boost it sincerely. Subtly compliment him. Let him help you with something, whether it’s a homework problem, fixing your computer, or finding the latest gadget. Or — and this is probably the best confidence booster–  see him when he’s in his element. He’ll be MUCH more open and charismatic when he’s somewhere he feels totally comfortable.

Once you enter the relationship zone: First of all, yay. Second of all, introduce him to your friends and family slooowly, starting with the quiet, less intimidating ones. Yeah, save loud Uncle Frank and Over-The-Top Tina for when he’s more comfortable in the relationship.

The shy guy is SO worth the effort and patience. Think of him as … a gift. A treasure to unwrap. A rare and special treat that not everyone gets to see. If you can stick out a few awkward silences in the beginning, I guarantee you’ll have landed yourself a respectful, fun and totally caring guy.

[Photo courtesy of MariaTarescaCB on Flickr.]

It was Sunday night, which meant a spread of Diet Root Beer, a chopped green apple, a turkey sandwich and my TV tuned to VH1′s Tough Love. Heaven.

Last night we saw Steve challenge the girls to be low maintenance. According to him, if these women want to snag a man, they’ll need to prove they can hang with the boys and not worry about breaking a nail or looking less than picture perfect. I totally get that – whiney girls are unattractive to everyone…even me – but this specific challenge did seem a bit much for me. Why do the girls have to do all the changing? Why can’t guys just accept the delicate flower that is their manicure-loving lady?

Anyways, during a pick-up game of football with some random bachelors, Taylor (Gold Digger) left me with my jaw on the floor…but for doing something good! Girl was throwing caution to the wind and actually enjoying herself. A girl who can rough it up in the mud with boys while wearing pajamas and a “wet hat” is A-OK in my book. And that’s most likely the kind of chick a guy would enjoy spending time with. Especially since she didn’t stop running the ball just to ask some guy how much money he made.

Then the girls went out on some dates. After being on a “You Go Girl!” high from Taylor’s enviable self-assurance on the football field, my positive outlook was deflated once Arian sat down with her man. It took only moments before she was comparing herself to a prostitute, saying it’s okay to be called crazy as long as your boobs are huge and bragging about her “oral talents.” Her date was obviously uncomfortable and didn’t know how to react. Right there, I lost all respect for Arian. But, at this point, I doubt she even cares if anyone respects her. She may as well just wear a sign that says, “All I Have To Offer Is My Body…and Some Mad Skillz in Bed.”

Does she really think that rubbing some random guy’s thigh and telling him he’s gonna get laid (if he gives her $5) is going to help her find real love? It’s sad and embarrassing and hard to watch. This girl needs to find some love for herself before she can ever find someone else to love her because she’s making it mighty hard for anyone to care.

And then there was Jody. Things had been going well for her and her date since their liplock last week and I figured it would continue to move forward. However, Jody’s insecurities came out in a cigarette-craving rage last night when she grossly misinterpreted an innocent question from her date. Meant as a compliment, her date wondered why she was single because she just seems too good to be true. Jody’s hangups replaced her logic and instead of feeling flattered that he thought she was a rare find, she took his comment as “You’re single, so there must be something wrong with you.” And she. went. nuts.

My confusion must be the same kind of flabbergastedness that men feel when women fly off the handle at the tiniest thing. I’m noticing that watching these women is like stepping back from the bigger picture and being able to see things from a man’s persepctive. A guy says, “You look nice,” and we think, “Just nice? Why not amazing? Is it my outfit? Maybe he doesn’t like me.” We let our insecurities read too deep into what men do and say, and that’s where miscommunication and hurt feelings come from. You know, men are actually pretty simple to read. They say what they mean and that’s that.

During the therapy session, Steve called Arian out and actually verbalized what I had been thinking; with the way Arian acts, she is putting herself at risk to be physically taken advantage of or contracting an STD. I’m definitely not saying that Arian deserves this Fortune Cookie of Tough Love, but it is the reality of her future if she doesn’t make a change. I get an image of her at a Frat party, drink in hand and tossing out big boob jokes while sloppily laying across a guy’s lap. Next thing you know, the guy could easily restrain her and do so many unthinkable things.

She needs to learn to respect herself, make safe decisions and realize that her behavior could potentially put her in danger.

Next week’s episode looks to be the juciest one yet! Especially because tonight’s episode concluded with the ever-enticing “To Be Continued…” credit. So, was anyone else as appalled at Arian like I was? Has Taylor finally charmed her way into your heart like she has with me?