There was an oh-so-charming piece published in Esquire last week written by a gentleman who is fed up with all the mediocre sex he’s having. Despite the fact that sex requires (at least) two participants, he put the onus of his inadequate sex life on his partners. Because there’s nothing sexier than a dude who refuses to take any responsibility. Am I right, ladies? He describes his worst lovers as being unenthusiastic and uncommunicative, while simultaneously describing his own skills as somewhere around “adequate.” Because mere “adequacy” is a total panty-dropper. The article is definitely tacky and leaves a lot to be desired.

I was also less than thrilled with the general response I read from women. Women who failed to see any problem with choosing to be a dull lay instead of taking control of the situation or extracting themselves. The idea that women should only be as good as their partner in bed is utterly absurd to me. I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating – life is too short for bad sex. We can’t always control other people, but (ideally) we have agency over ourselves. If you’re not satisfied, it’s at least partially your fault.

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Because it was utterly uncouth and unheard of for women to openly discuss sex for many generations, in the last few decades, there has been an onslaught of women taking the opportunity to be just as brash, raunchy and explicit as men have been allowed to be. Whether it’s in the form of Rihanna singing about how whips and chains excite her, Chelsea Handler writing a memoir about one night stands or regular girls blogging explicitly about their sex lives, ladies are definitely not afraid to be open about their sexual proclivities.

I’m a firm supporter of breaking taboos and not treating sex like it’s something grimy and shameful. However, sometimes I wonder how much of this openness is about finding empowerment and how much of it is about seeking validation and/or catering to the male gaze. Women are taught a very specific kind of sexuality that emphasizes tits and ass, and to a lesser extent, seductive eyes and pouty lips.  The women who have the space to share their sexual experiences and receive feedback tend to be straight, cisgendered, and at least somewhat conventionally attractive. The kind of female sexuality that is constantly reaffirmed aligns pretty closely with the general tastes of heterosexual men.
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One of my friends is in an LDR with her boyfriend while he’s studying abroad. Naturally, they’ve had to turn to technology to keep their connection strong. Last week, he asked her why she hadn’t sent him any scandalous photos yet. When she told me about this, I asked if he had sent her any yet, and she said no. I couldn’t have been less surprised.

Our society places the burden of “performing” sexiness on women.  There are endless products designed to enhance our aesthetic and make us more alluring – from cosmetics to fashion to the most popular ladies magazines, we are constantly bombarded with messages and images that emphasize the significance of being sexy. This, of course, influences our intimate relationships (in a heterosexual context), because men are also exposed to the idea that women should make being attractive to men a top priority.  I think, either consciously or subconsciously, they expect us to always put in effort to be sexy, that we should be the ones to be super flirty, dress in ways that are pleasing to the male gaze and be the ones who spice up the relationship. I know that men are also under pressure to conform to society’s ideas of masculinity, that they are under pressure to achieve certain body types, exhibit certain personality traits and generally be considered sexually attractive. But, the pressure seems to be a lot less  and men definitely have more freedom to be unconventional. Read More »

Imagine going through your life as a heterosexual female. You’ve crushed on men, you’ve been attracted to men, you’ve dated men and had relationships with men…there’s was never a question: you dug dudes. End of story.

But then say one day you meet someone who is just so generous toward you. Someone who seems to care so greatly about you, who you care about in return. And that someone is a woman.

What do you do? Does that make you bisexual? A lesbian? Huh!? Well, read as one woman discusses her journey into — and out of — lesbianism. Read More »

In the words of Salt N Pepa, “the difference between a hooker and a ho ain’t nothin’ but a fee.”

Apparently, with today’s struggling economy, that ‘fee’ can come in many forms. Gas is well over $4 a gallon, and after a Kentucky woman sold her body for a full tank, a prosecutor commented that it’s sad when people are selling their bodies for gas. (Uh, duh?) Of course, there are plenty of other sexual behaviors out there that border the fine line between “hooker” and “ho.”

Look at aspiring “actress” Ranae Shrider, whose most prominent role to date is opposite Mini Me, Verne Troyer, in a scandalous sex tape. Reportedly, Shrider has been shopping the tape all over Hollywood, asking for $25,000 or more for the vid. What do you think, ladies? Hooker or Ho?

Of course, we also have the glamorized portrait of the “prostitute with a heart of gold.” You know, Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. We hate Jason Alexander for trying to solicit poor Julia, and we cheer when Richard Gere shows up in his limo to whisk her into the sunset. Then we call our ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend a “whore” behind her back. Read More »