I am a total dog lover. I know I’m about to make a lot of cat owners angry, but I think that dogs make the best pets. (I’m also allergic to cats, so maybe I’m unfairly biased.) Dogs are sweet, fun and loyal. To your dog, you’re the center of the universe, which means they’re the best friends you could possibly ask for. And celebrities agree! Check out these priceless photos of celebs with their dogs. Stars seem to favor tiny lapdogs, but there are a few big, cuddly dogs in here, too.

If they weren’t famous…

Our favorite movie couples

A-listers when they were just soap stars

Hottest student teacher romances from the movies

The best Disney villain songs

Can you keep covered during sex?

Chris Zylka is the non-Andrew Garfield reason to watch Spiderman

Fergie gets handsy with her wax figure

The best new Apple accessory

The 10 most ridiculous items on Kim Kardashian’s wedding registry

Really really nasty fried food

Why we’re madly in love with Jason Stackhouse

Get beachy waves without the sandy mess

Why Fergie sometimes looks prego

The 5 people you should avoid dating at all costs

Which songs do you think Glee should cover next?

The ‘Friends With Benefits’ Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis PSA

The famous Gaga meat dress is going to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

I’m pretty sure most of us have made peace with this heartbreaking reality, and they really should too.

This month is Glamour’s 20th anniversary of their “Women of the Year” celebration, which you may think means a much heavier emphasis on the women who are setting the world on fire…and, yes, that’s true, if by “much heavier,” you mean “about 10 pages worth of footage.” Because heaven forbid we take a prolonged break from discussing the latest trends in red lipstick or the return of the side ponytail or trying to decipher the stupid signals dudes send us.

(Actually, I’m glad they didn’t, because then what would I write about?)

For an issue that is supposed to be inspiring women, I was feeling pretty dejected reading through it. Glamour made me feel skanky (by declaring leather leggings a “don’t, unless you’re Lindsay Lohan”), unhygienic (did you know you’re supposed to give fruit not just a water rinse-off, but a VINEGAR rinse too?), and sexually unadventurous (because I have no desire to try tantric sex).

And then I came across an article that was so absurd that I had no choice but to feel a lot better about myself because at least I’m not clueless enough to take this advice seriously.

“Five Sexy Texts You Won’t Regret in the Morning“

To the new guy you made out with for 27 minutes last night:
Glamour says:: “Invested in some lip balm. U need some? Happy to share.”
Jasmine says: My inner grammar-nerd is dying at the substitution of “u” for “you.” But besides that, if you only made out for a guy for less than half an hour (and you actually clocked it to the exact minute), then I’m thinking the make out wasn’t that great, and the last thing you need to do is encourage more chapped-lip inducing shenanigans.

To your boyfriend who’s at a work party.
Glamour says: “Have fun 2nite. Afterparty @ my place?”
Jasmine says: This text reads like such a douche-bro text. Like something any of the oh-so-charming guys from The Hills would send to LC and co. Not cute. What’s wrong with a classic, “Can’t wait to see you tonight [insert cutesy emoticon of your choice here]“?

To your guy whose football team just lost
Glamour says: “Sorry re: the game. U might score l8r 2nite tho…”
Jasmine says: If you’re old enough to be sexting, I think you’re also old enough to come up with something more clever than a played out sportsy metaphor for sex.

To the man who needs cheering up
Glamour says:: “Pictured u naked during mtg. Boss asked why u smiling.”
Jasmine says: Men actually have feelings that extend beyond sex. Maybe to cheer your boy up, compliment his character?

To the significant other who’s working late
Glamour says: “Getting in bath. Will u b home 2 towel me off or should I drip dry?”
Jasmine says: I’m all for late-night sexy times, but if you know your boo having a long day, why not cater to him first? Wait for him to get home to take a bath together and towel each other off? Or is that too considerate?

I wouldn’t exactly say it’s a coincidence that these new Camelflage panties came out just as the number of camel toes seems to be rising at an exponential rate. They’re everywhere! At the MTV movie awards, standing next to me on the subway – heck, at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if I saw a few on the soccer field at the World Cup this Saturday.

And it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what’s to blame for all this camel toe chaos. It’s those freakin’ rompers and jumpsuits everyone seems to love so much! One could easily take a cheap shot at Lady Gaga and blame her for popularizing these vag-hugging-suits that are now plaguing Miley, Xtina, Rihanna, Katy Perry etc. but I will do no such thing! I think everyone’s forgetting the days of Britney’s red catsuit from the “Oops I Did it Again” video. Why not point a finger in that pleathery direction?

After spending the last 45 minutes of my life looking at pictures of celebrity’s camel toes, it’s really starting to make me self-conscious. Does the plastic jumpsuit I keep in my closet for those very special occasions (read: Halloween and weddings) similarly reveal a definable outline of my lady parts? Or how about those jeggings I throw on when I can’t seem to fit into my skinny jeans? Do they too expose a frontal wedgie (A.K.A. a fredgie)?

Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to invest in a pair of camelflaging panties. And while I’m at it, perhaps I should pick up a few pairs for these revealing Hollywood ladies. I’m pretty sure I’d get some sort of Nobel Prize for my contribution to society.

There was an equally awesome/puzzling interview with Fergie (she looks great, poses in yoga moves and has dachshunds). The gift guide contained about 70% of my Christmas list (srsly, check out the Smashbox brushes on p. 100). There were tons of adorable mini skirts, and a ridiculous article where two guys keep diaries for 10 days about everything that goes through their minds. Spoiler alert: These guys think about sex a lot. These guys also happen to write exactly like Cosmo staffers. Hmm…

The crown jewel of the entire issue, though, had to be “Hidden Secrets His Hug Reveals.” Apparently, a hug can mean more than “not just a handshake, not quite a kiss.” Enjoy what Cosmo has to say about:

The Sneak Attack

Cosmo says: If he encircles you from behind, he’s totes “blanketing your body” with his love. Unless he does it all the time—then he’s too much of a pansy to hug you from the front.

Kari says: He better have highly recognizable cologne, because if an unknown dude suddenly wraps his arms around my chest, he’s getting a sample of that self-defense course my sorority held. Other than that, IDK about this “sense of oneness” that you’re going on about, Cosmo. I normally equate those three little words with meaningful eye contact and slow dancing non-ironically to “Forever young”…

The Rub

Cosmo Says: “You can’t see your back,” so rubbing it means he wants to nurture and protect you. Also, rubbing is sexual! So don’t be alarmed if he tries to get frisky. Or, he’s just doing it because he’s sad, can’t verbalize it, and wants you to rub his back (Awww).

Kari Says: Actually, I can see my back, thanks to strategically placed mirrors I use to straighten this one crazy piece of hair at the back of my head… Anyways, whenever I get a back rub, it’s usually because I explicitly asked for it, but my second assumption would definitely be horniness. And I’m not sure how to differentiate between the varieties of back rubbing (counterclockwise if he’s horny? Above the 5^th vertebrae if he’s nurturing), but for future reference, I’ll try to make sure he doesn’t look sad while he’s doing it.

The Pat

Cosmo Says: A) he’s not into you B) he’s mad at you or C) he’s encouraging you. Or maybe D) he just isn’t into PDA or E) he’s on his iPhone.

Kari Says: Thanks, Cosmo for narrowing that one down. If I was left to my own devices I probably would have thought for days about what his “pat” meant. In all seriousness though, the only semblance of rationality I can take away from this analysis is that if you don’t know him that well, pat = bad. If he’s your 5 star chick (or whatever the male equivalent of that is) pat = neutral…or ADD.

The Waist Wrap

Cosmo Says: No surprise here! Homeboy wants to knock boots. Pronto. Oh, and if he touches his forehead to yours, he wants to “merge his thoughts with yours.” Keeper!

Kari Says: If a guy casually hugs you around the waist (as most men do, considering they’re probably taller than you), count to ten before you whip out the condoms. If there is any hip gyration involved in the hug, then yes, Cosmo, you are right on track.

Alright ladies, what’s your fave hugging style? Do you think that guys go home after Beat the Clock and intently discuss their elbow placement during your embrace? Yea, me neither…

Angelina smiles! (Oh wait…that’s not the news.)

My Christmas dreams have already come true.

What happened to Rihanna!?

Drunk guys will hump anyone….

How do Blake Lively’s boobs do that?

Fergie’s SNL meltdown.

For work, not romance.

And this is Chris Brown’s new song…

Fix that broken hair at home!

Michael Lohan heading back to jail?

Ew. That’s the chick Josh Duhamel cheated with?

Jon Gosselin is “too famous for a real job.”

The Jackson family reality show is a…reality.

Please don’t let this Josh Duhamel stuff be true.

Divas unite at the Europe MTV awards.

Can his hands tell you if he’s a jerk?

Jennifer Lopez is a little bit naughty.

Is it just me or does Kristin Cavallari have a really big head?

The Jonas Brothers are NOT breaking up, OK?

Fight the flu naturally!

What exactly is going on here?

Is Josh Duhamel a cheater??

Miley’s got some freaky-ass fans.

What makes a man bad in bed?