Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have a problem that most girls would kill to have. My boyfriend of three years proposed to me.

The problem is, I don’t think I want to go through with it. I’m graduating college in June. He graduated last year and moved back home with his parents. Since then, he’s been working at the mall near where he grew up. It’s only an hour away from school so I still see him all the time, and he seems really happy.

But that’s the problem. He seems really happy just working at the mall. I want to have a whole career and I think I have a chance at getting a job at the firm where I’m interning. I thought the two of us had similar goals, but, since the summer, I’ve come to realize we don’t. He wants to just go to work and come home and hang out, but I want to have a real career and if I have to work late or weekends, I’m fine with that. He gets really sad if I ever stay late at my internship. He says jobs are so you can afford to live, but I see my job as more than that.

We started dating when I was a freshman, and while I like him a lot, I just don’t think he’s “the one.” I feel like we’re better as friends. I’ve known this for a while, but I really care about him a lot (he was my first for pretty much everything, and he’s a really good guy), but I didn’t want to hurt him so I guess I just kind of let it keep going. He’s a good person and I could see myself with him but I just don’t think I’d be happy.

I already said yes to getting married. He proposed in front of a bunch of our friends and I didn’t want to make him feel bad. But now I’m panicked because I KNOW I do not want to marry him but now it’s so much worse! Help!!!!!!!

Fiancee

Dear Fiancee,

Wow, that does suck.

Okay, well, obviously you can’t just “let it keep going.” I mean, you really canNOT marry the guy. That would be sucky for you and VERY unfair for him.

See, really, you should have told him how you felt when you were originally feeling it. Because NOW it’s like you’ve been lying to him.

But don’t freak out!! You have to do it, but you’re going to do it in the nicest way possible.

Meet up with him and just tell him the whole truth. (Well, I wouldn’t mention not liking that he’s happy at his job; that might come off as condescending. Say the other stuff: how you love him but you just don’t think this is the right thing right now.) He’ll be mad. You’ll probably both cry. But, ultimately, it’s the right thing to do, and hopefully someday he’ll respect you for it.

And more importantly, you won’t end up with someone you know isn’t the one and he won’t end up with someone who doesn’t want to be with him.

You know this sucks. And you know it will keep on sucking. But once you do it, I promise life as a whole will suck less.

And then, in fact, you can both start fresh and find someone who’s right for you.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Goddess of Wisdom, Guardian of Common Sense, Destroyer of BullS***, Tuffy,

Recently my fiance dumped me. Or I dumped him. Or something. I’m not sure. He tried to blackmail me and shame me into doing things I didn’t want to do by threatening to leave me if I didn’t comply so I called his bluff and we went down in flames. And then I found out he cheated on me. But that’s not why I’m emailing you, Tuffy! I’m emailing you about what happened after we broke up.

After the breakup I started toying with the idea of moving 6 hours away to go back to college. I’d quit going because my fiance wanted me to spend more time with him (I know, I know. I was a stupid c**t. But hey. I was barely 19. And stupid. So, sooooooo stupid.) and after 3 years I had the chance to go back. I finally decided to grab a pair and do it when I noticed a startling trend amongst my friends.

I was being ostracized. Excluded. Left out. Sidelined. Even my best friend, who I’ve known since I was 13, had kicked me to the curb. (Self Preservation, I guess. She’s dating my Ex’s BFF.)

So Imagine my surprise when she showed up at my place with another friend of ours who was about to graduate high school. I was kinda surprised, but I took it in stride. We talked a bit and I asked when our friend’s graduation day was and how she was celebrating, but before she could say anything my best friend (who shall henceforth be called Heartless Bitch) interrupted her and said “All of us are going to the beach tomorrow.”

I was excited for about 3 seconds before she said “But you can’t go. [My Ex] is gonna be there.”

Zing! That hurt, but instead of showing it I changed the subject. “How is he? I haven’t spoken to him in a while.”

“Oh, he’s fine. I’m surprised, though. I thought he’d be more of a mess. It was both of you guys first serious relationship. I mean, he lost his virginity to you.”

It was at this point that our mutual friend dropped a bomb on me. “No he didn’t,” she said. “He lost his virginity to a guy.”

I think I must have had a stroke because I couldn’t move or talk. But I could still listen to the two of them argue about it. “No he didn’t. He lost it to her.”

“Dude, he tells everyone like it’s nothing. It’s common knowledge. I thought she knew.” For the record NO, I DID NOT KNOW. Then Heartless Bitch took one look at me and said “Well, we’ve got to go,” and walked out the door.

I didn’t hear from either of them for two weeks. In those two weeks I started packing my crap and prepared to get the hell out of dodge. When she finally did come around, unannounced once again, I politely asked her how her trip to the beach had been. She smiled and said it was great.

“Well I’m glad,” I told her. “I hope you had fun pissing your life away at the beach because my life was flashing before my eyes as I sat in the doctors office waiting to get a God D*** AIDS test.”

Then she had the audacity to ask me why I was mad at her. I’ll cut this part short and just say I ripped her a new one for being a shitty friend but she just kept deflecting, saying I didn’t look surprised and that she was busy with work.

I’m sorry, but if she found out her boyfriend lied to her and slept with another guy I’m pretty effing sure I’d make time to pick up the phone and make sure she was ok.

There are those who say I should forgive them (Heartless Bitch, My Ex, and all those shitty friends who abandoned me because I was too inconvenient for them to deal with) and try to fix things. I think they should get f***ed.

Am I right to keep on stepping and move on or should I forgive them and let bygones be bygones?

Yours,
Blindsided After The Breakup.

Dear Blindsided After The Breakup,

Wow. Your friends blow.

Yeah, go back to college. Do that. That seems wise. Stop wasting your time with these wastes of space.

Not like you even GET to waste your time with them anyway.

So, um, yes. GO BACK TO SCHOOL.

I’d say, knowing you’re moving on and getting your degree (to have a better life, hopefully) and meeting people who don’t suck ash–well, yes. You should forgive them.

But for YOUR sake, NOT for theirs. And don’t even tell them you forgive them.

In fact, don’t tell them you were ever mad at them.

In fact squared, DON’T TELL THEM ANYTHING. Don’t talk to any of these people ever again. Put this flooped up bullshoop behind you and never look back.

Because, honestly, these people don’t deserve any space in your head.

This ex-fiance of yours sounds like just about the biggest tool I can imagine. (Oh wait, no, that’s your “best friend.” But we’ll get to that.) Blackmailing your fiancee?! Manipulate much?!?! And seriously–and this goes for ALL of you all–if anyone tries to force you to choose between them and something that you care about or that will significantly improve your life (like COLLEGE), this person is NOT deserving of your love and is, in fact, deserving of being totally dumped. Controlling individuals like this can also become dangerous so, please, if you spot yourself in this girl’s letter, get out of the relationship, and the sooner the better.

Also: What the hell, supposed best friend?! She KNOWS she’s being a jerk. And then she tries to justify it?! PLEASE. This is one selfish person if I’ve ever seen one. She clearly couldn’t care less about you. Block her on email. Defriend her on Facebook. Don’t get mad–just forgive her in your mind for being a complete waste of a person and then: Never speak to her again. EVER.

These jerks are purposely excluding you and not even trying to be nice about it. Um, they don’t have to invite you to the beach, but it would be nice, if they’re going to mention it, to (1) invite you somewhere ELSE to make up for it, and (2) DON’T TELL YOU CASUALLY THAT YOUR EX MAY HAVE HAD A SIMULTANEOUS RELATIONSHIP.

By the by, I do have to point out one thing. AIDS tests should not come about only when the guy’s had sex with a guy. Please get with the program. AIDS affects everyone who contracts it. It is NOT specific to the gay community. AT ALL. We are ALL at risk if we have unprotected sex. Don’t be a jerk.

But, back to your mostly-sympathetic question: Move on. Don’t bother hating them. Don’t bother anything-ing them. Go back to school and live well.

Besides, karma’s gonna get those mothafloopas. But don’t wait around to see.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Like a little pain? Get more Tough Love right here.

Question for Tuffski?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and perhaps get an answerino.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
My best friend got engaged on Valentine’s Day. I want to be excited for her big moment, but I can’t help but feel like she’s making a gigantic mistake. She’s only known him since November (he was a mutual friend of the guy she was sleeping with at the time) and has a long history of rushing into relationships with really sketchy guys. Every relationship she gets into, she seems to fall head-over-heels for the guy and turns a blind eye to all of his problems until after he breaks up with her, at which point she realizes what a jerk he was for cheating/abusing her/lying/etc.

Her fiance has never abused or cheated on her, but a couple of months ago they had a pregnancy scare and he threatened to kill himself. I don’t think either of them are mature enough to get married, and if they do, I think it will end in divorce. They plan to get married in Summer 2013 after she gets her bachelor’s degree, so there’s time for her to realize it won’t work on her own, but I don’t think she will. Should I raise the issue with her? I love her and just want her to be happy, but she’s so ecstatic about the engagement and the guy that I’m afraid speaking up could end our friendship.

–Friendo

Dear Friendo,

Wow, that IS fast.

Okay, well, all is not lost here, Friendo. Tuffy agrees with you–this sounds like a phenomenally bad idea. However, 2013 is a long way off. All signs point to maybe, possibly okay.

Here’s what you do. Take her out for dinner (you pay). Have a nice time, girls’ night kind of deal, whatever, and then say you need to talk about something serious. Tell her that you’re really, really happy for her and really excited about her wedding, but you love her and you just want to voice your concerns now before things get any farther along.

Don’t mention her horrible ex-boyfriends. Don’t tell her you think she’s too immature. Don’t mention the fiance threatening to kill himself.

Just tell her that you think it’s fast. Say that you want to make sure she really gets to know him in a meaningful way before she decides to spend the rest of her life with him. Tell her that you believe they love each other (even if you don’t), but that it really is just impossible to know someone well enough to make an informed decision about marriage after just a few months. Ask her not to break up with him or end the engagement, but just to try to get to know him much, much better before 2013 and to be open-minded and see him for who he is and not for who she wants him to be.

Of course, inevitably, she will think you’re jealous. But that’s a small price to pay if it gets her thinking about this decision.

Say all of this once and then never again. After you’ve said your piece, let her make her own decisions.

Good luck to your friend–may she not marry an asshoop.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Here’s what he had to say:

There are a couple of things going on in my life that I consider pretty surreal.  I’m nearing the end of my college career and going into the real world soon. I’m getting to the point in my life where I’m making fun of the trends of younger people, which makes me feel like the old man yelling at kids to get off my yard. All these freaking celebrities are dying! All of this stuff seems unreal; the fact that I’m getting married to the girl of my dreams is the polar opposite.

Sarabeth and I started out with a weird relationship. You might know the details if you’ve followed her from the beginning of her writing for CollegeCandy (which I also think is pretty surreal, BTW; random anonymous people arguing over what she says on them there internets is just weird). Basically, we were just friends first and as I spent more time with her, I came to the realization that I was (and still am!) truly happy when I was with her.

I know we have our moments where things aren’t at their smoothest. Just like anybody, we get annoyed with each other. Our pet peeves get messed with. Disagreements are had. But after the arguing and the fighting, I always know Sarabeth will be there to make it better. I can go to her unconditionally and know she will love me. And it I know she will open her arms and offer her care. It is what keeps me going and I couldn’t imagine it any other way.

I always thought that finding true love would take a long time; I certainly didn’t see myself getting engaged while I was still in college. But then again, there were other things about college I didn’t expect. Who knew I would be learning Japanese? Or getting a degree in Radio-TV-Film while producing a weekly show of local bands on an FCC licensed television station? But these things happened. It might sound like it’s all matter of fact, but it really just is. This is how things happened. I fell in love and it just happened before I reached my quarter-life crisis.

My relationship with Sarabeth seemed to progress as it should (minus the casual nasty-doing). She was my friend. Then she was my girlfriend. Now she’s my fiancee. Soon, she will be my wife. It all feels so natural and right, even if most of the college guys across the country don’t take this path.

I am a guy. In a (very) serious relationship. And I wouldn’t want it any other way.

At first, I was like, “WTF!, How ridiculous to bring your wounded heart and unsuccessful marriage into legal matters!” But, then I realized that maybe she had a point. I mean, an engagement is sort of a contract, or at least a promise of a long term commitment. And why shouldn’t this woman be repaid for her lost wages and emotional distress.

In fact, why can’t everyone receive that luxury? So, I got to thinking; what would I sue my ex for if I could? And this is what I came up with:

Dear Ex-boyfriend (who, shall remain nameless),

In seeing how you dumped me and shattered my heart into a million little pieces, I am taking you to court and suing you for the following:

- The plane tickets for our vacation, two summers in a row

- The countless pharmacy visits with my insurance to get you medicine when you were sick

- The countless pharamcy visits to pick up the birth control that kept you from being a daddy

- Cleaning up your mess after you got drunk, pissed all over your room and, eh hem, me, and then had no recollection of it in the morning

- Your parents’ anniversary presents that I never got reimbursed for

- My respect after you cheated on me for four months, not to mention the fights, the yelling, oh, and the time you spit beer in my face

- The years of acrylic nails I had to put on as a distraction from biting my nails from your stress

For the damage, I could like, in return for my financial and emotional suffering:

- A big fat check for $50,000

Oh, and your balls in a jar.

Case closed!

[Photo courtesy of the State of Ohio]

Cosmo

• “Wet your lips and moan that you can’t wait to taste me” – Sam, 22 – Hey Sam, your “tip” makes me think you’ve been watching a lot of porn lately. That’s cool and everything, but I think it’s time you realized that being so specific is one of the fastest ways to piss off your partner. Do you want me to move my head 90 degrees to the left as well?

• “This chick leaned against a dresser and stuck her butt out for doggie style. I definitely obliged” – Glenn, 23 – I’m sure this “chick” is super thrilled that you remember her sexual positions better than her name, Glenn. Also, three points for using the words “butt” and “obliged” in the same two sentences. How colloquially poetic of you.

• “My ex would splash her tee shirt with water while washing dishes. As soon as I saw her nipples through the fabric, I’d have to touch them” – Bart, 22 – Are you sure she was splashing her boobs on purpose, Bart? Maybe she just accidentally got water on herself from all those dirty plates you left in the sink for her to clean.

• “If we’re some semi-public and can’t go at each other, press your hips against mine and massage me with your pelvis” – Henry, 25 – Uh, Henry? What you’re describing sounds pretty odd and awkward, not to mention extremely and obviously dry humping…which is not something most girls like to do in “semi-public” places.

• “Once, my office phone rang, and when I answered, I heard my girlfriend at home moaning about how good it feels to touch herself” – Jakob, 28 – You sure there wasn’t anyone else on the other end of the line helping to induce that moaning, Jake?

• “Watching a woman do yoga is the hottest foreplay you could have without touching each other” – Jean-Claude, 29 – Jean-Claude, you and your fancy name are completely right. You think half the nation signs up for those classes because they want to be healthier?

I don’t know what their recipe is, but no matter who is interviewed in their pages, Cosmo somehow manages to make their IQ drop about 50 points. I mean, was there not one guy who was creative and well spoken in that interview pool?

Well, loyal CC readers, looks like the guantlet has been passed to you. Got any sex tips that don’t sound like they should be in a book that features Fabio on the cover?

Last night, though, this same good friend also got engaged to her boyfriend of two years. Um. Congratulations?

Yeah, yeah, so they’re in love, whatever. I get it.

I was in love once. I never actually talked to the guy, but it was there. I’m still a little baffled by her annoucement of love and commitment at such a tender age as 22. Maybe it’s me, but a lot of the time, I still feel 14. I just have so much to learn about myself before I can conceive of taking the black – and – white plunge.

And before she started dating her boyfriend — oops, i mean her fiance — my friend was right there with me, braiding my hair in the photobooth with an economy bag of fun – size Snickers and a stack of trashy magazines.

Now, she has the Big Job, the Big Ring, the Big Life, and I’m wondering what to do with all these issues of Jane and feeling like I should take the training wheels of my bike.

Is it just me, or does the prospect of marriage seem insane at this point in time? My own parents and grandparents were married at this age, but today things have loosened up a bit. Maybe it’s because we’re living longer, but I feel like forty is a good age for marriage — live half of your life single, half of it married. The way things are going, I’ll probably won’t feel forty until I’m sixty.

At least there is a potentially fun wedding to look foward to — now I that I don’t have to pay my older brother to steal me drinks.