PARTY FOUL!

Don’t act like you haven’t heard it before.  According to Urban Dictionary, it’s “something socially unacceptable done in a social gathering.” For those of us who have been in the presence of a party foul or may have accidentally committed one ourselves, we know that they’re much more than that.

Thanks to digital cameras, your unfortunate lack of judgment will probably be plastered all over the Internet before you even have the chance to pull your head out of the toilet the next morning.  But no matter how bad things get for you, just thank your lucky stars that you’ve never committed any of these…

You haven’t, right?

Tossing Your Cookies. This is quite possibly the most commonly seen party foul. If you really have to throw up, try making it to the bathroom.  When your pre-drinking meal ends up on a fellow partier or in a potted plant— major party foul.

Bed Hog. “Getting jiggy with it” is not a party foul itself, but when you’re doing whatever you do in someone else’s bed— not so cool. Especially if you don’t know whose bed it is. Extra bonus points if you wake up next to the biggest creep at the party. He may have looked like Rupert Grint last night, but this morning your Harry Potter hottie looks a lot like a steroid-induced Carrot Top. Yummy.

Dancing Queen. The next time you get the urge to clear the dance floor and whip your hair back and forth, don’t.  Only one person on the planet can actually look cute flinging their head around like a crazy person and that’s Miss Willow Smith herself. Anyone else who feels like attempting this dance move should resort to doing so in the privacy of their own home…doors locked, curtains closed.

The Hot Mess. You might have your way with the fellas sober, but if you’ve been pounding down the spiked punch all night you may want to back off a little. When you start hitting on every guy at the party with fake eyelashes dangling off your face and your breath reeking of the soggy chips you just found on the floor, it’s time to call it quits for the night.

American Idol. So, you think your voice is God’s gift to the world? Well once your favorite song comes on and you start belting out the lyrics to “The Climb” at top of your lungs, you’ll have people running for the door. Stay off the furniture, it’s not a stage. And when your audience is throwing beer cans at you, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Somebody’s Trippin’. Blame it on the a-a-alcohol all you want, but no one is going to care why you just belly-flopped into the middle of the floor. Whatever the reason, it was hilarious and certainly party foul-worthy. And possibly a candidate for America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Duel it Out. There’s nothing like watching fights get broken out over the most ridiculous things. Girls pull each other’s hair, guys punch walls— it’s lots of fun. Usually the fights conclude with the girls “hugging it out” and apologizing for hitting on each other’s boyfriends and the guys making up for lost drinking time by doing multiple keg stands.

In the end, a party isn’t a party without a few drunken messes stumbling around, breaking things and wondering why they’re never invited back again.  No one wants to be “that girl,” but for the sake of everyone’s entertainment, we might as well get those referee’s whistles blowin’.

What’s the worst party foul you’ve ever been called out on or witnessed? Tell us in the comments or, better yet, give us the deets in an anonymous morning after story.

Post-grad life is a lot about taking two steps forward only to take a step back. Some days, you feel like you’re ahead of whatever curve you’ve set for yourself and then other days, you feel like you’re falling behind. Although you have a lot more freedom and responsibility than life as a college student, the constant evolution of figuring out what to do next and what’s right is never ending.

Example: Two months ago, I scored what I considered to be my dream internship. I was meeting and interviewing celebrities, hanging out at some of the fanciest Hollywood locations, rubbing shoulders with the rich and famous at LA parties, frequenting red carpet events, and finding out celebrity gossip before the masses. And now, well … I decided this isn’t for me. There I go again. Two steps forward, and now that I quit, I feel like I’m one step back again. When can a girl get ahead?

In college, I feel like everything was a constant one-up. You know, where you out-do yourself and then you’re like “Damn! Look at what I accomplished.” Post-grad is more of a sporadic line graph that goes all over the place, where you have highs and lows and they fluctuate more than Lady Gaga’s outfits. While I like to think that all of this yo-yoing will get me to where I want to be, it can feel a little frustrating.

Why did I quit though? Well, after a month on, I simply knew that it wasn’t for me. Looking back to my sophomore or junior year college self, that kind of internship had me written all over it. Now? … Not so much. Although I enjoyed my time and experiences (so much of it was hands-on, which is rare at internships), I just knew that it wasn’t the best for me … especially since it was unpaid.

Unlike college, there are a lot more expenses that come your way on the post-grad journey. For example: Student loan repayment (can I just tell you that I cried over this for days when I got my first loan repayment bill?), law school admissions fees (do you even know how expensive this is? I don’t even want to talk about it), and so many other random things that happen (like for example, my computer just died….and I spent over $400 to be told that by Geek Squad…ouch). It’s just not practical to spend my time interning for no pay, especially since 90% of my time was spent sitting in my car in LA traffic. So, while I wanted to keep interning … it’s just not practical. Quitting felt like one of those forced break-ups. I wanted it, but at the same time, not so much.

So now I’m back at square one, trying to figure out just what it is I should be doing.

So much for post-grad stability, right?

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LDR’s have their pros and cons, but fighting is a definite con. Why is fighting so much harder in long-distance relationships, and how can we make it easier?

You Can’t See Each Other

A good percent of communication is nonverbal. Body language and facial expressions are essential to understanding another person’s intent. When you fight over the phone, as in an LDR, you lose these important aspects and things can come out much harsher (or nicer) than you intend. To help remedy this problem, speak clearly and honestly to make sure you both truly understand where the other is coming from.

The Silent Treatment Is So Much Easier

All you have to do is hang up the phone, or refuse to answer in the first place. It’s a tempting thought when you’re really upset, but you’ll never resolve the issue without communicating. The best advice I can give you is don’t hang up! It’ll just upset you both more (your partner will be upset you hung up and you’ll be upset if they don’t try calling back). Talk through the issue and refuse to cut off communication until some agreement has been made, even if its just that you’ll talk it out more later.

No Make-Up Sex

The only good thing about fighting is make-up sex, and it’s pretty much impossible in an LDR. After a fight, we usually need some sort of physical contact (a snuggle or a romp in the sheets, you decide) to reassure us that everything is OK. Without physical contact, the hurt feelings may not fade as quickly and the fight might not feel over, even if it is. The only thing you can do about this is reassure each other that you love each other (say it out loud!) and keep communicating in all the ways you were before.

Do you girls have any advice for handling arguments in an LDR?

Are you psychotic in relationships? Have your significant others ever called you a crazy bitch? Insane? Needy? Any of the above? Here’s some signs that you just might be:

- You love the chase. Not to mention the ongoing drama and the on and off and the fighting, but once the guy gives you the attention and affection, you’re totally bored and want out.

- You constantly pine for a guy who DOESN’T LIKE YOU or worse, doesn’t even know you exist. He’s Just Not That Into You was written for you.

- You cheat. Oh man, do you ever cheat. You just do. You sometimes don’t mean it, but sometimes you do. You lie about it. You feel awful about it sometimes, but sometimes you don’t. Sometimes it’s just making out, sometimes it’s sex, sometimes it’s emotional, but it’s all cheating. And you do it. And sometimes you can’t stop once you start getting good at it.

- You love relationships so much that you’re absolutely miserable when you’re not in one (which is rare) and when you are in one you’re convinced he’s “The One” and you love being a couple and doing everything together and oh my god NO ONE LIKES HEARING ABOUT IT.

- You pick fights. The guy is totally normal and you spaz out over absolutely nothing. Maybe you break things. Maybe you hack his email or Facebook and freak out over the slightest flirtation. You just want to fight.

- You love douchebags. The only guys you are into treat you like the scum of the earth and you put up with it and give a million chances, and ‘totally forget’ about the time he cheated on you and then somehow are surprised and depressed when he finally leaves you for the other girl he’s been screwing around with the entire time you were dating him. Everyone saw that coming, but you. Get back down to earth, Space Jam.

- You’re in a totally healthy relationship right now with absolutely zero to complain about. You tell everyone about this totally healthy relationship and how your significant other is your best friend. You go to bed, assured that you will love them for the rest of your life. Even if your life span lasted 1000 years, you’d still be in love with them on your 932nd birthday. You would never want anyone other than this person. If you’re not in a relationship, you’re sure that this type of relationship exists.

Did you find yourself on this list? Congratulations. You’re not psychotic, you’re totally normal.

Define what the hell you’re doing wrong and work on it. It probably won’t be perfect, but it’s worth a shot. If not, don’t forget that 52% of marriages end in divorce anyway, so it’s not really your fault; you’re already statistically f**cked.

Awesome!

Melanie currently interning in NYC, taking full advantage of all margarita specials and those blonde summer boys. Stalk her on Twitter: @tinkermellie

Let’s face it, you can mind your manners all you want but there’ll always be that jerk that comes along and pushes you off the swing set anyway *cough-Ryan-M-from-first-grade-cough* So here are some quick guidelines of how to deal with the Ryans of this world:

During a confrontation…

1. Ask yourself if it’s really worth it.
If someone’s walking straight at you and expect you to get out of their way, remember that it wouldn’t kill you to move over. Yeah, it’s a pain in the butt and yeah, that person is completely rude, but is it worth ruining your day over?

2. Stay calm under pressure.
As Miss Manners, I really can’t condone rudeness; however, I do understand that everyone has bad days and sometimes people honestly don’t know that they’re being rude. So if you catch an attitude at the get-go, they might see it as you being rude first. Never fight fire with fire. No matter what, speak calmly and rationally and perhaps they’ll realize how ridiculous they sound in comparison.
DO NOT: Act patronizing. If your calmness comes off as patronizing/douche-y, that’ll only set them off again. No one likes to feel stupid and you’ll just push their buttons if they feel like you’re looking down on them.
OR: Start a shouting match, especially in public. Then both of you are being rude. Plus it’s hard to be rational when you’re screaming/being screamed at.

3. Address the rudeness.
Say something along the lines of, “Excuse me, but it was really rude of you to steal my swing like that.” If they haven’t realized by now that they’ve been rude, now they know. And if they’ve already realized it and just don’t care, this will hopefully shame them into acting dignified. Stick to the facts and explain to them exactly what’s wrong with the situation.
DO NOT: Apologize unless you mean it. We can all tell when an apology is insincere and, trust me, it doesn’t make anyone feel better [especially if it was sarcastic].

4. If all else fails, leave.
Walk away from the situation. It isn’t the “weak” way out as some drunken frat boys may argue; it’s the adult thing to do. Be the bigger person and let it go. Yes, even if you’re right. You aren’t backing down, you’re walking away, which is much more mature.

PS: Violence is not the answer, kids. Make love, not war.

So, have you gotten into any confrontations lately? Did you do the right thing? How did you handle it? Tell me about it!

This month’s Cosmo

And, of course, some semi-misguided advice…
This month’s “Get Him to Kiss and Makeup” bypassed the easiest ways to get your boyfriend to forgive you (lingerie, dinner, hypnotism) and found four surefire ways to earn redemption for anything short of “cheating on him with his brother in their parents’ bed while his dog watched.” For the most part, decent ideas, but Cosmo always finds a way to work in the darndest things…

Give Him Room

Cosmo Says: Even if you want to talk things out, let your man blow off some steam by going out with the guys. “That’s how guys multitask.”

Kari Says: Alright, I can understand this. Sometimes I just need a little time alone to sulk, scream, or commiserate with the girls, but watch the expiration date on that time apart. Allowing too much time to pass before apologizing and discussing can create tension, allow anger to steep, or at the very least will earn you some bad-mouthing to his friends. Give him some time to calm down, but don’t go to bed still angry.

Don’t Out-Argue Him

Cosmo Says: Even if you can logically prove you deserve forgiveness, don’t. Bringing up a time when he screwed up and you forgave him will only distract and annoy. Also, we’ll forgive you when we’re ready, but it shouldn’t take too long.

Kari Says: See?! He just doesn’t need that much time alone. But enough of me proving I’m right, that would just clash with this Cosmo tip, which I happen to wholeheartedly agree with. If Cosmo (and life) has taught me anything, it’s that women are far superior verbal warriors than our male counterparts. So outwitting him when he’s already pissed off at whatever I just did probably wouldn’t be the smartest idea. Good looks, Cosmo.

Stroke His Ego

Cosmo Says: “Guys are never immune to compliments. Doing or saying something that makes him feel good not only, well, makes him feel good, but it also reminds him why it’s way better when he’s not mad at you.”

Kari Says: First of all, I’m a little disappointed in the lack of innuendo that could have been used in a paragraph with the word “stroke” in the title. Anyways, when it comes to boyfriends, they’d prefer to be literally buttered up rather than metaphorically. A well placed compliment after you’ve made up is a good way to ensure forgiveness, but not a good way to earn it. Telling him how smart, handsome or funny he is won’t go over as well if you’re arguing; it will make him feel like you’re trying to distract him from the situation at hand.

Be Tough On Yourself

Cosmo Says: “We don’t want you to beat yourself up—unless you’re doing it for our benefit.” Crocodile tears pair nicely with this, but keep that advice on the low.

Kari Says: I definitely think that when apologizing you should own up to your mistake without making excuses, but a dramatic monologue about how horrible it made you feel will only detract from your boyfriend’s feelings about the issue. Make the focus of your apology why you’re sorry you hurt him and what you can do to make him feel better; your selflessness will go a lot farther than belittling yourself. And yes, just like getting out of a speeding ticket, tears do help.

So what do you think? Have you ever used any of this advice to earn forgiveness? What do you do to make up after a big screw-up?

Whenever we need to make a difficult decision, we make a list. You know, like when we were choosing a school, when we were choosing a date to the first sorority date party, or when we weren’t sure which we loved more: our Prada backpack or our Skechers.

So when are constantly faced with the awful decision of which hot mess of a celebrity is more hot messy, we make a list. Yes, this is a decision we feel the need to make on a weekly basis; we have a lot of time on our hands.

Moving on.

This week’s showdown is between two of our favorite celebs to watch (as they completely meltdown into a pile of crazy mush): Amy Winehouse and Britney Spears. Who is more of a train wreck? God, that’s a tough call, so let’s break it down.

Rehab
Amy Winehouse: Amy said she wouldn’t go to rehab, no no no. Yet, after spending quite a few nights on everything from heroin to horse tranquilizers, the troubled singer ended up there. More than once.

Britney Spears: I lost track of how many times Britney headed to rehab. There was the time she checked into Eric Clapton’s Crossroads Centre, and then that time when she was at Promises when she checked in and then back out and then in again. Lets just say Brit Brit knows her way around addiction counseling.

Point: Britney Spears. It’s all in the numbers. Amy may have sang about it, but Britney visited rehab centers more often than I the bathroom during a night of flip cup. And you know that’s often.

Breakdown
Amy Winehouse: Where do we even begin with this one? Amy is no stranger to breakdowns. She has been known to beat up fans, forget her own lyrics on stage, get in bloody fights with her husband, get caught on tape smoking mysterious substances and walk around in a bra exposing her rail thin body.

Britney Spears: Once again we have another long drawn out train wreck. There was that time she attacked the paparazzi with her umbrella, then dated the paparrazzi, tried on a British accent, shaved her head, put on thirty pounds and lost her children in a custody battle all within the span of about a year.

Point: Tie. A breakdown is a breakdown. No winner here. Except the gossip mags.

Hair
Amy Winehouse’s hair is the stuff legends are made of. (It’s also the stuff that animals get caught in.) An entire Halloween section is devoted to that beehive alone. Just think of all the things she can store in there (crack pipes, flasks, lunch…)

Britney Spears shaved her own head. Who knows it if was because of the drug testing or the “make over”  but either way, Britney went bald. And then covered up her bad judgment call with a number of cheap colorful wigs.

Point: Amy Winehouse. Even though both ladies had some pretty daring dos,  Amy is still rocking that signature look While Brit is back to boring blonde.

Inner Circle
Amy Winehouse’s parents were tight with paparazzi throughout her downward spiral. Although they were making it public that they were worried about their daughter, they were still doing so in a public forum. And then there’s Amy’s beloved husband Blake, who personally escorted her to her professional demise and is now sitting behind bars trading pics of his lady for lines of coke.

Britney Spears. Where do you start with this one? Her mom is the ultimate stage mom, her dad has been managing her every move since she was 12, and her sister had a baby at 12. (Ok, 16.) And if all that isn’t dramatic enough, Britney is also connected to a series of shady characters like Adnan Ghalib who may or may not have been working with the paparazzi to profit off of Brit-Brits downward spiral, and Sam Lutfi who may have contributed to it.

Point: Britney Spears. Although both ladies have some serious enablers in their lives, Amy drugged herself. Again and again and again. And again. Britney had no idea what people were putting in her applesauce.

Kids
Amy Winehouse has yet to reproduce. Thank. God.

Britney Spears is the mother to 2 mistakes kids, Jayden James and Sean Preston. Who she has almost killed on multiple occasions.

Point: Britney Spears… At least until Amy has her own children to screw up.

Celebretard Prize: Britney Spears
Yayyyy, Britney! This truly is the year of your comeback!

1. Making out in totally non-romantic places.

If I see the two of you pawing each other at the Trevi Fountain in Italy, I’ll forgive you. Now THAT is romantic. But seriously – to the couple who gets on the dirty, overcrowded subway and feels the need to look into each other’s eyes, whisper sweet nothings, and make out for all of three stops – save it. Same for the couple who starts going at it in the checkout line at Rite-Aid. Unless you’re buying condoms, why are you so worked up already? And if you are buying condoms, then save it for the bedroom.

2. Sharing a calendar.

Just because you’re a couple doesn’t mean you can’t be individuals. I hate the girl who’s there for you every time… as long as she’s single. Once the “relationship” label gets slapped on some people, they have to synchronize their scheds, and like, can’t even go to the bathroom without making sure it won’t disrupt Date Night (the third one this week). It’s great when a girl can bring her boyfriend out with her friends, and vice versa, but if it’s a “Girls’ Night” and Henry’s trailing behind… it’s effing annoying.

3. Lame-ass Pet Names

Seriously, I’m not really opposed by the use of “Baby” or “Babe,” that is, when it’s used in a nonchalant way. As in, “Babe, I’m going out tonight, I’ll call you later.” NOT “Babyyyyyy I wuv you thiiiiiis much!” But other petnames are semi-obnoxious. If you do have cute names for each other, it should be your special secret. I once dated a dude who actually suggested we do nicknames. I promptly started calling him “Snuggles” in front of his coworkers. When he put up with that stuff, I knew it was time to go.

4. Fighting in public.

This actually might be worse than PDAs. You know THAT couple who’s throwing beers at each other at the bar? Who break up about 5.4 times a day and then go back into cuddle-mode for the ten minutes prior to the NEXT fight. Seriously, girls, he DIDN’T mean to call you fat, he WASN’T checking out the waitress, and just because he wants to watch sports instead of go shopping with you it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. And guys, STOP inadvertently calling her fat, REFRAIN from checking out the waitress, and if you’re going to hang with the boys, just TRY to do something for her to show that you care in the meantime.

5. Becoming a biographer.

It’s a group event. Everyone’s meeting for drinks/dinner/ whatever, and of course the significant others are invited. There’s often that couple… the one where one party decides to relay everything he/she knows about the other to the group for the entire evening. It’s usually the partner that doesn’t know the rest of the group. For example, Johnny brings his new girlfriend to meet his friends at the bar. While everyone else tries to talk about class, politics, last week’s episode of Lost, whatever, Johnny’s girlfriend can only contribute, “So, Johnny and I met at….” “I know Johnny is the one because….” “Did you know that when Johnny was in high school, he…” ETC. She’ll probably also comment on Johnny’s every move, like, “Ohhh, how cute does Johnny look when he orders a beer? Stella is his favorite!” Let people get to know you and your signif for who you are. They can figure it out on their own without a picture being painted for them.

If I sound like a bitter old hag, that was not my intention. I was very happy in my last relationship, which ended quite smoothly. And I’d love to be in another relationship, once I find the right guy. In the meantime, however, I’ve been nixing the dudes who seem like they will either follow the aforementioned patterns, or expect ME to follow them. That’s too bad, because I’m just not that type of girl. Anyone else have any pet peeves from the dating world? We’d love to hear ‘em!

Let me say this: I continue to have a bitter distaste for Dan, and Chuck remains (by far) my total fave. AND Lily gained some cool points tonight too. If you missed it, stop reading now, turn on your DVR, and watch. And if you watched, feel free to comment on your favorite part of last night’s stellar ep.

The show started with the usual Yale bullsh*t. Blah blah blah, aren’t they in yet, already? No, they aren’t. And there’s a certain new, young, hot teacher who is going to rock everyone’s world. Anybody else think it’s weird that Serena instantly becomes her new Shakespeare teacher’s bff? I mean, I had teachers I was tight with, but not to this degree. And, a note to Ms. Carr, never tell your students it’s your first salaried gig. That’s just asking for it.

As the Yale-shizz unravels, Serena laments to Dan that she is afraid that she’ll get into Yale, and Blair won’t. Presumptuous? Or foreshadowing?

This week’s weekly party is the opera gala. Seriously? That’s not nearly as exciting as the white party. But I suppose it’ll do, since Jack has already thrown Chuck’s dead father into the mix. We all know that Chuck was had by Jack last week, but is he going to take that? Hell. No.  And you gotta love Lily in this ep for making it happen.

So, on the Yale train, Dan gets in, Serena gets in, Blair gets waitlisted, and Ms. Carr threatens to destroy B’s GPA by not inflating grades.  Which obviously infuriates Blair.  And because S. apparently has a girl-crush on “Rachel,” (who calls high school teachers by their first names?), she declines Yale so B. can take her spot.

Of course, Blair can’t let it rest, so she instigates a plan to hurt Rachel’s feelings, only to find out that Rachel put in a good word for her at school.  Though she does try to fix it, Rachel’s pissed, and calls the headmistress to report Blair, putting the Queen Bee in detention.  For real. This can’t be good.

And then we get to the yelling-at-the-tv-thing.  Lily and Bart were planning on adopting each others’ kids to be a “real family.” And Bart signed the papers before he died.  So, Lily’s signature will make her Chuck’s guardian and thwart Jack’s douchey plans.  SERIOUSLY. AWESOME. When that happened, I looked at the clock: 8:45.  And I knew there was still 15 minutes of major dramz to come.

Obviously pissed off, the crazy Jack tries to rape Lily in the bathroom of the opera.  That’s a Lifetime Original Movie all in itself.   Chuck interrupts, punches Jack in the face, and tells Lily, “This doesn’t mean we’re family.  Just even.” GOD I love you, CB.

At the close of the episode, Ms. Carr runs into Dan in Brooklyn for a cappucino.  The fact that she was in Teach for America, and hot, and obviously written into the GG script to create tension makes me bet on a tumultuous Pacey-Witter-inspired affair bewteen Ms. Carr and Dan.  Can’t wait for that.  But be careful, Rachel, because Blair has officially waged war on you.  And a slip up such as Dan Humphrey could make it oh-so-easy.