I have been hearing lots of stories from my college ladies lately and I have to be honest, I am getting a little worried.  Let me share a few with you.

Recently, I heard one about a junior that had been sleeping with her boyfriend  for a year and only had fake orgasms since she didn’t want to hurt his  feelings or tell him that she had actually NEVER orgasmed.  Sound familiar?

Here is another…A sophomore who was taking 3am drunk calls from her ex and hooking up, but ended up feeling lonelier and more depressed the next  day.  Although she keeps regretting it, she doesn’t know how to stop.  Has  this happened to anyone you know?

You might be saying “Kira, these have nothing to do with me,” but hear me out.  They have EVERYTHING to do with you. Here is why.

Since I started coaching college women, I feel like I am living in a world of stories about drunken hook-ups, walks of shame and disappointment.   Understand, I am not judging AT ALL.  Hooking-up is part of the college culture and can be a lot of fun.  My point is that after the laughing dies down about their latest escapades, I hear the sadness in their voices about how they thought he would call or that it would turn into more.  Rarely do they truly express too much since it somehow seems weak to say that they really want a relationship or to feel love and  affection.  I, too, have been guilty of the idea that to be a strong woman I should not want or need anyone, let alone a man.  But that is a lie that we have bought in to.  The real strength is understanding how we can grow into better individuals by being in relationships, learning from mistakes and by choosing love.  Even if sometimes it doesn’t work.

Here is the most worrisome part of all.   The aftermath of the quiet heartache and bad decisions.  The blaming. Here come the inevitable comments…What the f*ck is wrong with college guys?  Why are they all players and a**holes?  Why don’t any of them want a relationship?  How could they act like fill-in-the-blank?  You get my drift.

I believe that I actually have the answer to that question…just most of the time it is really hard to hear.  The answer is us.  The women they date, hook-up with and sleep with.  WE are what is wrong with college guys (or most guys in general).  Before you start your hate comments below, hear me out.

One of the quotes I have fully embraced as a coach and as a person is “we teach people how to treat us.”  If you feel used and abused, unheard, unloved, taken advantage of, sh*t on, ignored, left out, whatever, most likely somewhere along the way you let the people in your life think it was OK to treat you like that.  Don’t get me wrong, you did it with the best intentions.  You wanted to be liked or loved and thought by allowing bad behavior they would turn around and love you.  But what actually happened is that by not setting up boundaries, you allowed them to walk  all over you and disrespect your time, body and feelings.

Here is the real issue, ladies. Not only do your choices affect you , they also affect all the women you know, and even the ones you don’t.  Why does it matter to you that someone else is faking orgasms or letting some guy treat her like crap?  Because after awhile that is what guys start thinking is the norm.  When that guy dates someone else and uses his “magic moves” he is going to be confused and frustrated when they don’t work.  Is it really his fault if she never took the time to show him what she liked?   If she never communicated with him what worked and what didn’t?  She has just set him (and every other girl he dates) up for failure. What about drunk 3am guy?  If she keeps hooking up with him, he is going to start thinking that is acceptable behavior.  Why wouldn’t he?  He is rewarded every time he does it.

So when you are disrespecting yourself, you are teaching that guy that is how you (and every woman) deserve to be treated.  I mean who do you think is teaching them these behaviors that all of you complain about so much…their mom?

I am well aware that guys need a talkin’ to, but we are going to work on the one part of every relationship you can control.  Yourself.

Ladies, we need to stop hating on guys and each other and starting helping our sisters out!  Pay it forward, if you will.  By taking care of ourselves and each other, we create a better future of relationships for all of us.  College is first place we really learn how to date on our own and paves the way for the future.

How can you do that? As Gandhi says “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

Here is how you can start.

- If constant hook-ups are leaving you feeling more lonely and depressed, hand them your number instead.   Trust that there are plenty of good guys out there (I believe there are) and they will call you if they like you and are interested in starting something.

- If you see your friend making a mistake that she is going to regret, intervene.

- If you want a relationship, admit it to yourself and others and actually DO things that are going to lead to one.

- If you are having sex and not getting what you want, get to know your own body and what it likes and then communicate it to your partner.  (And yes, I  am talking about “private” sexy time.)

- If someone is treating you like crap, let them know it is unacceptable and then follow through on your word knowing that you will feel better alone at night then with someone who doesn’t treat you well.  Alone doesn’t have to be lonely.

- If you are hooking up regularly, just check in with yourself every once in a while to make sure you are still feeling good about it.  Ask yourself if you feel like you have power in the situation.  What are your expectations? Is this for fun or to fill a void?  Just keep this in mind: hook-ups don’t necessarily equal a relationship.  If that is the only tactic you are trying, you are probably going to end up with that sick feeling in your stomach.

- Look for the good guys. They are out there.  Promise.

- Know that you, and every woman (and man for that matter), deserves to be loved and respected.  But you have to start by respecting yourself and creating healthy boundaries that create a space where love and respect can grow.

If it is hard to do it it for yourself, do it for all the other women out there.  You won’t regret it.

Need help to get ready for love? Get all of Kira’s advice right here. Or check out Crush Camp on Kira’s new college love advice site www.thecollegecrush.com.

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"I love you. Even if you have a mullet."

Love has a plethora of definitions. For most of us though, it’s like the world’s biggest scavenger hunt or game of “Where’s Waldo?” It’s almost impossible to find when you’re looking for it. So my advice, ladies, is to STOP LOOKING.

The last time I wrote about a relationship, I wrote about my horrific breakup. That happened in August last year. In my devastation, my fabulous roommates encouraged me to step away from the frozen novelties (Choco Tacos cure all pain), get out and not think about the breakup. Needless to say, this did wonders! I drank, I danced, I hooked up – everything felt normal. I was just having fun – not looking for anything to fill my heart’s void – and it was awesome. The partying along with weekly therapy sessions greatly helped my emotional state and I soon snapped out of my funk and realized that I wasted so much time on a complete idiot.

Before the breakup went down, I had gone out with a friend and met a gorgeous guy. At the time, I was still dating the Tool of the Year, so while I had seen him a few times, nothing happened. A few days after the breakup, though, my roomies invited practically every guy we had ever met over for a little cheering up. And a LOT of drinking. (What can I say? I have great friends!) I remember sipping on my 3 parts Kahlua and 1 part coffee and texting Mr. Gorgeous telling him that he and his friends should come over. They did, but due to the overload of guys, left soon after. Sad.

I didn’t think anything was going to happen with him, and that was fine because I wasn’t searching for anything. Meanwhile, my roomies and I still went out and had our fun. I thought I had met a few guys that had potential, yet my mind seemed to wander off to Mr. Gorgeous. So, I finally mustered up the courage to actually hang out with him, and, a few drinks in, make out with him too. After that night, he began asking me to hang out more, but I politely declined nearly every time. I figured since I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship again then I didn’t need to see him all the time and have it lead to a relationship.

I just wanted to have a good time.

Then one weekend, I was very ill with some college-bound disease and Mr. Gorgeous was in Athens for a football game. He had told me he’d call when he got back to school, and I didn’t believe him. But he did! He came over that night and watched Ratatouille with me as I sat in my bed sniffling, coughing, and sneezing. And that’s where it all started. He came over every night after that, sent me texts during the day, took me out to parties with him. It had all the feelings of a relationship, which I originally didn’t want, but I liked it. Even if I wasn’t looking.

I’ve been dating Mr. Gorgeous for seven months now and I couldn’t be happier. We found one another when we didn’t even realize we wanted eachother and that was the best way it could have ever happened. I wasn’t out trying to impress him or find him; I was just out being me.

Take it from me: Stop looking for love or your soulmate or boyfriend or whatever it is you want. Just go out and be you. Go have fun with your friends and you will stumble upon love (or it upon you) by accident. Don’t make yourself into someone that you are not or force yourself to love someone because they are around. Those relationships will never work out. It’s the ones that surprise you when you don’t expect ‘em that are the best in the end.

Weren’t you supposed to explore your options? Date? Have fun in your twenties before settling down in your thirties? Now that I’ve graduated, I know exactly why she said it. Dating post-college is a major shock to the system.

I went on a date recently with a guy who I’d met at a poetry reading. I thought he might be a few years older than me and I was okay with that, but on the date it came to light that he was actually many, many years older than me, fourteen to be exact (that’s Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher territory). I figured I’d dated older men before, so I decided to give him a chance. We talked about jobs, our shared neighborhood haunts (we both lived in the East Village), and then the subject of past relationships came up and he told me about his ex.

They were pretty young when they met and were together for six years, they got a dog and when they broke up he kept it. The natural question that popped into my head was: Why didn’t you get married? Then, he dropped the bomb: they had gotten married. I’d somehow found myself on a date with Divorced Guy.

Going into a date blind (different from a blind date), with no idea how old the person is (and no hint as to their marital status), is one of the major post-college dating obstacles I’ve encountered. There’s no longer any guarantee that the person you’re having drinks with isn’t thirty-seven with an ex-wife.

Now I’ve learned ways to sneak in age-inquiring questions when chatting up a guy for the first time. My favorite is to ask what television show was their favorite when they were a kid. “Doug” is a good sign, pre-TV Land “Brady Bunch” is not.

Chad escorted out immediately and is off the show. They don’t f*ck around. I take back my wanting to have a drink with Chad.

Is Bo missing teeth? OMG, he is spitting out so much blood, call freaking 911 already and stop standing around asking if he’s okay.

On cue, Glitter cries.

Bo must be SO pissed off. I can’t believe that he was able to keep himself from punching back; I don’t doubt his ability to defend himself. Off to the hospital he goes.

In the morning, Tila learns about the fight.

She doesn’t look good without make up. Tila cries some fake tears upon hearing the news. Or maybe these are real tears because someone got hurt over her fake ass show. That is nice of her to call Bo. I can’t believe that Scotty and Jay are the only guys remaining. I mean, Jay? Yuck.

BO NEEDS SURGERY??? This is horrific. I cannot believe that his jaw is broken and I really feel sorry for him.

Tila decides that with all of the drama that everyone needs to get out. Everyone is way too excited about it – I wonder how long it’s been. Ha, Tila goes to dinner in a separate car and what, is George coming back? Awwwww. But what’s with the rose — why does everyone think that this is the Bachelor?

Everyone is really excited to see George. Jay is quiet – probably because he has to sit with the fact that he instigated the fight and that because he was a punk someone is in the hospital (and *sniff* he lost his best friend in the house).

Whoa, Boston Michelle – where have you been? Jay is being a baby like ‘you eliminated George for a reason.’

Lisa Rizzo asks Tila why she eliminated George. Lisa’s hot. She busts out with, “I think Tila’s fake as hell.” HAAAAA!!!! We have a mental connection, me and Lisa.

After dinner, Tila goes up to her room to call her real-life boyfriend to complain about having ot hang out with the cast, Bo’s recovering from surgery and everyone else stays up to wear cowboy hats to ride the pole.

Bo and his busted jaw return to the house the next day. He’s not screwing around – he either really wants to be on TV or really wants to win.

There is a plate in his chin. He didn’t lose teeth; it just looked like it because of the split jaw. Geeeeeze.

Jay apologizes to Bo because he knows that he’s gonna go home if Tila gets wind of what he did. Shut up, Jay. Bo accepts it, but I don’t.

Oh, damn, there’s gonna be a stupid challenge. I like the show better with fighting and no challenges. Bo can’t participate and because there is an uneven number, someone has to sit out. Lisa and whomever is her partner will win so I won’t bother explaining the game.

I called it, Lisa and Brittany win. The best part of that is that before the game, Brittany said, “If we win, don’t eliminate me” because everyone who goes on a date with Lisa is eliminated.

Tila spends time with Brittany first. Tila’s comments about the contestants are so generic, I love it. “She’s a fun girl, but she has a serious side, too.” Really, Tila, what else did they write on the cue cards for you?

Next up – Lisa time. Tila confronts her on the ‘fake’ shizz. I love that Lisa can’t take the crying and walks out pissed off. Tila actually goes out to her and I’m surprised. A producer must have told her to do that because they needed more footage.

Eliminations

Tila calls down Lisa first and after a big old make out, decides to keep her around.

The last four standing are Jay, Boston Michelle, Sirbrina and Brittany.

Sirbrina is out. And so is Boston Michelle with her fab accent.

I don’t know what happens next time; I was too busy — doing — I don’t know. I’m sure I’ll see a commercial and figure it out.