I’m convinced everyone thinks about their wedding day. Even if it’s an event you can’t picture taking place for another 15 years, you’ve at least considered the possibility that it could happen. And when you imagine this most sacred of days, you likely also wonder who you’ll be standing up there with. He (or she) will be wildly attractive, that’s obvious. They’ll be brilliant and funny and love puppies, also a duh. But will they be a good kisser? Of course! Wait…right?

Some couples wait to take the big plunge until after they’re lawfully wed. Please note that when I say “big plunge,” I’m not talking about sex. That’s right, in certain religious communities and social spheres, it’s somewhat commonplace to wait until your wedding day before so much as kissing your future husband or wife.

We don’t think putting off the First Kiss milestone is necessarily the best way to go. While it can be a sweet concept (we think), in reality it’s completely impractical and absurd. Here’s why:

1. Everyone has encountered a bad kisser somewhere along their dating path. Thankfully, you didn’t encounter them at the altar. Instead of hitching yourself to an over-enthusiastic face licker, go ahead and test the goods beforehand.

2. There’s just no sexual chemistry. Rarer, but still possible: the person you’ve been lusting after was more lust-worthy in your head. And usually it takes a make-out sesh to figure this out.

3. Figuring sex out on your honeymoon would be a big enough pain in the…not butt. Why toss a Beginners Kissing 101 lesson in there, too? Ugh, complicated!

4. A combination of all these reasons, as vividly exhibited here.

Hey Dude,

I’m an incoming freshman with a really embarrassing secret. I still haven’t had my first kiss. Now, before you start thinking that it’s because I’m socially inept or totally ugly, let me explain. I went to an all girls high school and while many people might think this means I can’t talk to guys, the truth is I’m pretty good at it. I’ve had my fair share of crushes and almost-boyfriends but I’ve still never been kissed. I think this has to do with the fact that I’m way past the average age for such a thing to happen so part of me wants to look for someone special to share my first kiss with, if that makes any sense. Basically I mean that, for a thirteen-year-old (which is probably around the average age for a first kiss), a first kiss is really special. So, as an eighteen-year-old lip virgin, I still hold on to this feeling that my first kiss should be special, too. I’ve been to parties where I’ve danced with guys and almost hooked up with them, but then at the last moment I think “wait, I don’t even know this guy’s name, he’ll totally be able to tell that I’ve never done this before, and do I really want my first kiss to be while I’m drunk and he probably won’t even remember?” I’m conflicted because while I want to just get my first kiss over with so I can enjoy randomly hooking up in college, part of me still wants my first kiss to be special. Every day I flip back and forth between these two options.

So, I have a few worries that you may be able to help me out with: 1- Do I throw out my morals and kiss the guy I just met or do I wait it out for someone special? 2- What if the guy can tell it’s my first kiss? 3- Considering I told you I haven’t had my first kiss, you’ve probably already realized that I haven’t had any “sexual encounters” with any guys…will college guys think I’m weird because of this? 4- I’m also worried that if I do just give in and hook up with some random guy, I’ll feel something more for him (because it was my first kiss) and he won’t think anything of it.

I really need your help, Dude.

Thanks,

Never Been Kissed

Dear Never Been Kissed,

READ ALL OF THE FOLLOWING:

“4- I’m also worried that if I do just give in and hook up with some random guy, I’ll feel something more for him (because it was my first kiss) and he won’t think anything of it.”

The act of kissing, or most sexual acts, rarely actually cause you to create feelings for someone that you didn’t already have some inkling of in the first place. Sometimes having sex or kissing a guy can embellish or amplify or exaggerate those feelings, be they of happiness or hate, rejoice or regret or anything else lingering underneath your motivations, be they horniness or desperation or love or…

This sounds more like a fear of the unknown than anything you need to be rationally worried about. You don’t just fall for someone because you kiss him. You fall for him because the kiss was FU*KING FANTASTIC! Or you already liked him before you kissed him. Or you regret it because you built it up to be something big that it actually isn’t. Which you might be doing.

Kissing someone doesn’t drastically change who you are, neither does having sex, in general. It’s not like you’ll regenerate into the twelfth doctor. You’ll still be you, having done something that you’ll have a reaction to that can range anywhere from indifference to repression. You just don’t know until you do it so you can’t POSSIBLY know what’ll happen until it happens. You don’t have the experience yet to judge the situation objectively. And that’s fine. That’s part of the fear. That’s part of the excitement. First you’ll have to determine what you think about it before dealing with whatever he thinks about it. However, for the posterity of postulating, if you randomly hook-up with a random guy, he may think “Nice!”, “She’s into me!”, “Great fu*king night,” “How far can I get?”, “What am I doing??!?! I already have a girlfriend,” or the ever popular “…” What he thinks depends on him, the context of the kiss, and what kind of guy he is. Which might also depend on his sobriety level, and a million other variables you can’t control so don’t bother trying to.

“3- Considering I told you I haven’t had my first kiss, you’ve probably already realized that I haven’t had any “sexual encounters” with any guys…will college guys think I’m weird because of this?”

Probably not. Lots of college guys aren’t as experienced as they want you to think. The ones who are experienced and use it as some kind of “cool currency” are morons. And the rest might need a second to process you’re more inexperienced but won’t care.

If he likes you, then he REALLY won’t think you’re weird because of it. The person who’s judging you about your lack of experience right now is you. Is it a positive or negative judgment? That’s for you to know and me to never know unless you write in again.

“2- What if the guy can tell it’s my first kiss?”

Guys can’t tell that. They can’t even tell if they’re good kissers. That’s fear talking, pointless, self-sabotaging fear that you don’t need to keep indulging in. Recognize it, accept you’re feeling it (don’t judge yourself for feeling it), and then do your best to let it go. Next time you get scared or nervous about it, repeat the process.

“1-Do I throw out my morals and kiss the guy I just met or do I wait it out for someone special?”

Throwing out morals is usually something you regret. Changing what your morals are, well, that’s something ENTIRELY DIFFERENT. But if you feel like you would be violating your sense of self by just getting it out of the way with a random guy, then of course don’t do it. My job isn’t to convert you to one way of thinking or another, especially not mine. What I want to do here is make sure you feel comfortable making your decision according to what matters to YOU. If it matters to you who you’re first kiss is with, then make it count.

A first and a last of anything is usually something you remember. Sometimes you remember it as something that changed your life, sometimes you remember it as being something you thought would change your life but you laugh at how naive you were to think that in the first place.

My first kiss was awful, for her more than for me…maybe. It was a peck because I was too scared to linger on her lips any longer for fear she’d think I was terrible at kissing and, you know, stop liking me. The next kiss was better…I’d built that first kiss up to be something that would suddenly change everything that I thought made me a loser. I was wrong. It was just a kiss. I look back on it, roll my eyes at what I was like at that point in my life, and I don’t regret it a bit. She wasn’t the love of my life, she wasn’t someone I was with long-term, nor was she a random hook-up. She was just the first girl I ever kissed…Plus, don’t forget, he might be a terrible kisser, so don’t put all the pressure on yourself!

My best advice is this: don’t lick his teeth, be mindful of teeth contact in general, don’t rely on your tongue to do all the work-you’ve got lips, too-and keep in mind that it’s just the first of many kisses to come. You’ll change as a kisser, same as you change as you get older. Keep some perspective.

*Mwuah*

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (like, 'can I date my ex's BFF?') over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Hey Dude,
I’m 20 years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend or had a first kiss. Not to toot my horn or anything, but I know I’m not unattractive, I’ve had lots of “things”, flirted a fair amount, and I know the whole texting/facebook/hanging out deal, but for some reason, I’ve never been able to seal the deal.

I’ve been hanging out with lots of guys as of late and I’m pretty sure that a few are interested in being more than friends. I’m excited, but this whole inexperience thing also makes me self concious.

What I want to know is, is it weird to let these guys know I’ve never had a boyfriend? I mean I know that they’re going to find out eventually, but when is a good time to mention this? The same goes for the whole never been kissed thing- should I mention these things before/after/or at all? I don’t want to freak anyone by telling them they were my “first kiss”- should I even mention it?

-Kiss and Tell

Dear Kiss and Tell,

You’re not alone. The inexperienced are everywhere. A lot of people don’t lose their virginities until their early 20’s and many people enter into college without ever having had a significant relationship. Unfortunately, the inexperienced have been assigned a certain stigma that I’m going to attempt to help you overcome.

Society has tried to engrain in our brains that being sexually inexperienced must mean that there’s something wrong with you. The sexually inexperienced are cast in pop culture as weirdos, freaks, geeks, or butt-ugly. This, in one man’s opinion, contributes to the idea that you have to get rid of your firsts as fast as possible (see American Pie for an example of how the virgin has been ostracized from a “happy, normal life”). That’s not exactly a positive message and certainly devalues any emotional intimacy and the savoring of those firsts we all experience. No, they might not change your lives (some might) and I’m not advocating celibacy before marriage – I am preaching to get rid of the shame that’s been heaved upon you for not getting a BJ by the time you’re 14.

Kiss and Tell, I don’t want you to be ashamed of the lack of notches on your belt. In terms of dealing with my gender on this one, some guys are turned off or believe being a first puts on a ton of emotional responsibility that they can’t handle. Others don’t care one way or the other. Then there are those rarer types that like a less weathered woman that they can help explore their sexuality and emotional depths with.  What matters is how comfortable you feel about it and how comfortable you feel with the guy.

What do you want from these men? Do you just want a hook-up or something more serious? The discretion is yours. If you just want a fun time then don’t feel the need to tell them anything about your personal history. If you want something more, then reveal it when you feel comfortable enough to. It’s truly your call. Just try not to lie about it. When you lie about your past then that denotes you’re ashamed of it. On the other hand, don’t feel like you need to justify anything with your past either because that might also be a sign of shame. At the end of the day, up until a certain point of emotional investment in a guy, it’s none of his business anyway.

If a guy wants nothing to do with you because of your resume then you want nothing to do with him. On the other hand, if your resume is the biggest attraction to a guy, you don’t anything to do with him either. Your past shouldn’t be a make-it or break-it point. Although if you’d contracted any kind of STI’s or STD’s that’s something you’d HAVE to reveal when wanting to perform the horizontal mambo.

The past doesn’t dictate your present decision. What happened, happened. What’s happening is still malleable. Your past is only going to be a problem if you treat it like one. Don’t worry about never having kissed a guy before, just focus on whether or not you want to kiss the guy NOW.

Come what may,
The Dude

[Last week our Single Girl shared her feelings of jealousy for all her coupled friends. Looks like the grass is always greener....]

I’m getting to that point with my boyfriend that things are getting really comfortable. Since we live together I get to see him 24/7 which unfortunately means he sees me 24/7. AKA he sees me when I have no makeup, am in my sweats, and getting ready for bed. Honestly, there’s really no mystery left.

Flip over to my best friend Erica and her new boyfriend. She’s having all the fun of finding out all about him and she still spends an hour in the bathroom before dates. Then there’s my friend Haley who’s totally taking advantage of being single at college parties and can have a make out sesh whenever she wants with whomever she wants. I love hearing them talk about all the excitement of Erica’s new relationship and Haley’s latest exploits, but it’s starting to hit me that I will most likely never get that kind of excitement again. And I’m jealous!

I do love my boyfriend, and I’m totally OK with giving up stuff like finding out the hot guy at the bar is terrible in bed, or having a blind date with a guy with bad breath, but am I really ready to never have another first kiss? Another first date? Another first sexcapade?

There’s something wonderful about being completely comfortable with someone and knowing that you don’t have to swipe on some eyeliner when you know he’s coming over. And there’s nothing quite like the feeling of knowing someone’s behind you, no matter what. But with all that comfort comes laziness; when you don’t need to impress the other person anymore, why put in any effort?

I love Matt and I love being in a relationship with him, but it’s hard not to miss all the fun and excitement that comes with the single life. And when I think about it, it’s scary to realize that I’ll never have it again. Especially when I’m surrounded by people in the midst of it, living it up and sharing their tales with me.

Anybody else getting green with envy of other girls?

Confidential to Missy’s Boyfriend: Get thee to a doctor. Herpes is highly contagious and you need to have yourself checked out. Planned Parenthood is a good option if you don’t have insurance. How many times do I have to say it, kids?! USE CONDOMS!!!

"...I just farted."

I am pretty confident in my long-term relationship knowledge. Actually, at this point, I am pretty much an expert, as I am going on 8 years.

Yes, I heard the gasp. Someone just dropped her plate. Someone else is chocking on her Ramen. It isn’t common that you come across a college girl who is one half of a committed relationship, especially one with their high school sweetheart. But here I am. I do exist.

That being said, I know what it means to be a “real” couple. I’ve gone from the butterflies and blushing to knowing what he is thinking without even saying a word. We’ve been at this so long we’ve hit every milestone….more than once. And I’m talking about them all, from the biggies (like the first Valentine’s Day to meeting the parents) to the ones that people often forget, but which are the actual gauges of how serious your relationship really is.

The Fart
Undoubtedly one of the most important markers (and most disgusting, might I add) is farting. Yes, I had a couple excruciating years of holding them in every time we were together, and if one slipped out on accident I immediately blamed the dog. But there comes a point where you are comfortable enough with the other person to just let em’ rip  (of course my boyfriend probably wishes I was not this comfortable, but that’s besides the point).

Taking the Kids to The Pool
Pooping usually come around the same time as farting; once you reach the point where you can outright say “Babe, I have to go take a dump,” instead of making up another excuse to be gone for ten minutes, you know you’re getting somewhere. While this excretion process is best done behind closed doors regardless of how close you are (because nothing says I Love You quite like protecting someone from the scent of fecal matter), being pee-shy is just a translation of feelings in the relationship at large. Yes, being able to drop your pants and do a little numero uno while he’s brushing his teeth is a sign of true love and comfort.

Leave the Stubble
For a while I would shave before he came over…even if that was 5 days in a row, because I would have been mortified if he nicked himself on my stubble. But eventually I was able to grow a fleece blanket up to my knees and not think twice about it. I knew for sure that he’d love me, no matter how beastly my legs.

Without Your Face
The same goes for makeup. There was a point when my boyfriend would call to say he was stopping by last minute and I’d sprint into the bathroom and throw on my five-minute face. Now he’s one of the only people that I don’t feel self conscious around without mascara and some cover-up. When you hit that point where you feel at ease just being yourself, you know you’re a real couple. (When my boyfriend found out I was flat as a board without my bra and had a couple zits under that makeup and didn’t run for the hills, I knew he was a keeper).

Silence on the Other Line
I’d say the phone silence is the last major milestone. For a while phone silences are extremely awkward and you’ll do anything to fill the pause. (Like tell a really bad joke. Then tell it again when he doesn’t laugh cuz you think maybe he didn’t hear it….) But after you have been together for so long you literally become the person’s other half and it’s not necessary to fill every second of the phone conversation with sound. When you can sit on the phone in pure silence, with the exception of a couple farts, you know you’re a real couple.

Does anyone else have milestones for marking yourself as a “real” couple?

Heidi Klum gives birth to a little girl!

The Kardashian’s are designing for Bebe.

Jon Gosselin is becoming a Jew??

Need a Halloween costume? Make one yourself!

Manage your time and kick some academic booty.

A first kiss…at 42-years-old.

Somtimes, this is a better alternative.

You’ve been working your game all night, leaning in just enough to show off the magic that is your Victoria’s Secret Deep Plunge push-up bra. Your hair is perfect, your makeup is flawless and you’ve done your signature laugh-and-touch-his-arm move every time he’s said something cute and funny.

Now you’re just waiting for him to lean in and kiss those perfectly glossed lips.

You like this boy; every last thing about him. He’s got the same major as you, you have mutual friends, he wears really great jeans and he even watches The Hills. Could there be anyone more perfect!? You’ve been dreaming about kissing him since the moment you met him and now you’re so almost there. He’s ditched his friends to talk to you in the corner of the party for the last half hour, so you’re pretty much sure this makeout sesh is in the bag.

After screaming into each other’s ears over the “Put It In The Bag” blaring from the speakers, he asks you if you want to go outside to get some air. The butterflies in your stomach start jumping around in excitement. Coyly, you agree to go.

He takes your hand (swoon!) and leads you outside. Your knees are trembling, but you pull yourself together and follow him through the crowd.  Once outside, you begin to shiver. Not because it’s cold, but because you just know he’s going to kiss you and you’re at once nervous and excited.

You chat about the weather, about the three guys that are peeing on the back fence and the homeless man rifling through the grass looking for empty cans. He puts his hand on your arm. “THIS IS IT,” you think to yourself. “OH MY GOD, HE’S FINALLY GOING TO KISS ME!” Your stomach knots up.

You keep talking about nothing and somewhere between the “Ugh I have to get up early tomorrow to study” and the “where’d your friends go?” he leans in and kisses you.

You’re swooning. You’re so excited you don’t even care that the people huddled around the keg are whistling and yelling at you to get a room. Your perfect boy – the one you have been chasing for months – is kissing you and it’s….OMG, it’s awful.

Is that…his tongue…on your chin?
Is he licking your face?
What is this tornado motion he’s got going on in your mouth? Is he trying to give you some sort of tonsil exam?
And, oh my god, why is your entire cheek wet? What is going on here?!

You open your eyes – maybe he’s just effing around, trying to be funny – but his eyes are closed and he’s totally into it.

You pull back, make some joke about the show you’re putting on for the party guests and contemplate a way to slyly wipe the boy’s drool from your face. He whispers in your ear that he doesn’t care who’s watching, then licks. your. earlobe.

He leans in again to kiss you and as he’s assaulting you with his tongue, you’re mind is reeling.

“What am I supposed to do?”
“Is this fixable?”
“How is he so cute and perfect, yet so god awful at this?”

Unable to take anymore (seriously, there is slobber dripping into your cleavage), you pull away. You make some excuse about having to go find your friends, that you’ll be back, that you’ll talk to him in a bit and you run away. You need guidance, you need support….you need to find a Q-Tip to get this kid’s drool out of your ear.

Yeah, we’ve all been there.
How so many guys could reach college and still think those moves are OK is beyond us.

I will admit it, I’m an awkward girl.  I’ll say goodbye to someone and then walk in the same direction as them with a stupid grin on my face.  I’ve messed up high fives more times than should be legally allowed.  I’ve called my roommates good friend (whom I’ve known for months) “Tyler,” when his name is “Lucas”…HOW DO YOU MESS THAT UP?  I’m able to take a perfectly normal moment and transform it into a typical scene in any Wes Anderson film (it’s a gift). The trouble is, I don’t realize how incredibly dorky I must look until looking back, and slapping my forehead accordingly.

So by the rules of physics (which I am unsurprisingly sucky at) it would only make sense that I would take this persona I’ve been cursed blessed with and apply to almost every sexual encounter I’ve experienced.  Well, of course, the beginnings are more of learning experiences rather than “fun timez.”   Now let’s time travel back 7 years when it all began…

Cue the hazy flashbacks and dream-like sound effects.

It’s 2002.  I am 12 years old and in 6th grade.  According to the more experienced middle-schoolers on the playground, I had a “boyfriend.”  This boy would talk to me on AOL (yeah…old skool), but we wouldn’t dare even look at each other during school.  I was so nervous to have a boy like me, I was completely unaware of how I should act around him.  Even at school basketball games together I was so scared just to sit by him because maybe he’d put his arm around me! (OMGG!!)  So one day I decided I needed to break out of my shell a bit.  My good friend lived by his friend, and on weekends I naturally spent most of the weekend there trying to make plans to have us all meet up and hang out.  For the 4 months we supposedly dated, this “weekend hang-out plan” worked literally 1 time.

That night my mom called me asking me our plans for the night, and I told her we were going to see a movie (lie). What I was really doing was sneaking out with my one friend to meet up with my “boyfriend” and his friend.  This rush I got from lying to my mom for the first time sent me on this adrenaline high of “I’M SO EFFIN’ COOL I CAN DO ANYTHING! I’M A REBEL!”  Later that night we eventually met up, and, as was naturally destined for me, it was awkward.  I’m pretty sure there was an unspoken agreement between the group that me and my “boyfriend” should seal the deal and KISS!

I can definitely say that feeling “nervous” was an understatement.  We stood there in the backyard in the dark for what seemed like hours in the middle of an mid-April night, as our friend sat on the curb of the street under the streetlight patiently waiting for the deed to be done.  It was chilly and I didn’t have a sweater, so I decided I was sick of being cold and waiting for my first kiss, so I leaned in so he’d get the idea.  He definitely got the idea, and as I was slowly ready for my first kiss to happen, even schizophrenically hearing the tune to “Dreams” by Cranberries in my head, that record scratch sound came into play at that very moment.

Instead of demonstrating a sweet (and normal) peck to be given, I felt something wet.  Huh? WTF David Blane?  He. Licked. My. Mouth.

He didn’t even start with a normal peck and move his tongue around, like an inexperienced 6th grader might.  He straight up licked my mouth like a melting ice cream cone in August.  Maybe he was expecting a sexified makeout session, or maybe he was expecting a normal kiss but started it off wrong?  Was it wrong that I was expecting just a peck?  So as a mature middle-schooler I was, I decided to stop… and start screaming.  I walked out of there wiping my mouth and ran to my friend so she’d get the idea that we had to leave NOW. 

I realize this story should be called “Seven Years After” instead of “The Morning After,” but I also know that first kisses tend to stick around in everyone’s memories. And this one just had to be shared. Anyone else have some first kiss horror stories?

[The following post is courtesy of our homegirls over at YourTango. They’ve been through it all and know just about everything about love, so we thought we’d bring their expertise to you. Enjoy!]

The night’s going great, you can’t believe you’re hitting it off so well on a first date, he’s a great kisser, you take him home…

Whatever you do, don’t sleep with him.

You’ve heard it before, but I’m not going to browbeat you about the immorality of going all the way on the first night. I’m also not going to say, as the London Telegraph does, that you’re likely to drive away relationship material if, as the adage goes, the man “gets the milk for free.” (If that drives him away, then be glad you’re seeing the taillights.) No, take it from a man who knows: there’s a hidden reason that—if you play it right—you should never have sex on a first date.

Holding out on the magic act for at least one night—and even for a number of candlelit evenings after that—will actually improve your sex life with the beau in question, both in the moment and down the line. When you know in advance that you’re not doing the deed, you have no choice but to compensate by exploring the full range of the available possibilities—whatever you dictate them to be.

Setting up limits with new lovers makes both of you focus on the little luscious details that can often get rushed over in the enthusiasm to get it on (especially if you’ve had a few cocktails). And once you’ve let the sexual barrier be broken, it’s harder to go back and work on the glory and wonder of engaging lips, of fingers tracing and teasing, and all the other delights that exist between first and third base.

Read the rest at Your Tango!