[The following post was written by dating coach, Kira Sabin, a keg of dating and relationship wisdom. She's been helping people find love for years so we thought we'd tap this keg and see what sort of brilliant advice she has for the CollegeCandy readers. Drink up!]

OK ladies, we need to have a little tough love talk today. I hate to say it but sometimes I am a little confused by my own gender. As a coach I try to remain really neutral. I truly have met some amazing single men and women who make me want to be a better person. But the stories I have been hearing lately! Yikes.

A few times I have been out with my friend G and all of a sudden his Blackberry will light up. He will look at it and then shake his head. Once again, it is a woman who had a conversation with ONE evening and now she texts him 2 or 3 nights a week. Numerous times, while I have been in his presence, asking him to grab a drink. He has never said yes, he has never led her on or to believe that he is interested. Yet still, she texts and texts and texts.

One of my other clients has been waking up to texts daily with a woman he has been out with on TWO dates. Really?

Another client was told by a woman he had been on THREE dates with that he was not trying to maul her and obviously was not interested in her. Even though he is recently out of a major relationship, had his heart broken and wanted to take it slow.  True story.

Ladies, stop texting, Facebooking and emailing. Put down the phones and listen up. Read More »

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (He dumped me - why won't he stop texting?!) over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dude,
I have this co-worker that we have been close friends for about 3 years. We live in different areas and are in different offices for the same company. Anyway, about 6 months ago we started flirting and he said that he has always liked me and been attracted to me, stated that he was shy and that it was why he never said anything before. Two months ago we made out, once. After, we continued our friendship like nothing happened. He emails me almost daily and calls me regularly, but hasn’t made an effort to get together.  I went to his office for work this last week and he made several comments about how good I smell and that I have beautiful shoulders. He never made a move though.  I just need some insight; is he shy and is into me, or should I just forget about it and move on?

Sincerely,
Sarah Lacking Insight Read More »

Recently, I met a guy. (Whew, crazy right?!).  I met him at work – he was visiting the racetrack (I work up in the press box) with a large group of his buddies.  They were enduring a bachelor party so had shimmied over on a nice little margarita buzz. He approached me and asked for my number.  He kind of resembled Sean William Scott and was super sweet, like the smell of tequila coming out of his pores on his breath.

Smitten, I scribbled it down, hoping I put the right area code. I didn’t expect him to call me that night because I was convinced he was at his tenth strip joint, but when he called me asking what I was doing my hopes took a high ride. We talked for a little bit, but his bachelor party activities got in the way of us hanging out that night (probably because he couldn’t figure out how to get a thong untied from his face).

And now, this girl needs some serious Dating 101. Unfortunately homeboy didn’t ask me to hang out/go on a date beyond our brief bachelor party convo and now all I want to do is ask him myself.

But here comes the battle of my two dating philosophies:

My Dating Philosophy #1: ‘Tradition is Key”
I’ve always been more traditional and it’s annoying. It has worked and hasn’t worked in my favor. I always want the man to make the first move, because then I can be sure he digs me.  I’ve always felt more safe that way. Why would I waste time asking questions like; “Nope, he doesn’t like me because he put his hand in his pocket and looked at the ground when he said goodbye…”

If the guy asks me out, you know he wants to see me, right?  But if I ask him out – I really don’t know for sure if he’s giving me a pity-date just because he doesn’t have the heart to say no.  I guess my pride has roped in the best of me.  We all have an itty bitty tendency to stick up our nose and bask in the satisfaction/fantasy land that I’ll be fine, the man I end up really loving will ask me out himself. Read More »

A while back I read a column written by the CC Staff listing 7 habits/tactics that women have engrained into their everyday lives that they utilize to “play the game” of attracting men. As far as men trying to attract the opposite sex it was said, “…men have it easy. As far as I know, they approach you and whip out the pick-up line. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t.”

Easy? EASY! Does throwing yourself on a bomb sound easy? Does walking on fire sound easy? Is repeatedly opening up your veins easy? Alright ladies, this myth of the moronic man-boy making no effort to prove himself worthy of women is going to come crumbling down.

Let me tell you how easy our lives are in the never-ending pursuit of the holiest of holies…

1.     The Daily Routine
Let’s back into this a little. Ladies, grooming isn’t something we do because we like it. We snip our ridiculous stubble and otherwise awesome mountain man beards because we know you hate them (most of you, the hipsters get away with the Unibomber look). Shaving is a tedious and sometimes painful activity. You know the risks involved: ruining your skin, cutting arteries, and developing hand-eye coordination some are not gifted with. Men are now taking a page out of your playbook and waxing. What are they waxing? EVERYTHING! From eyebrows to back to front to legs and then there’s the sculpting of the testicular area. Manscaping is not for our sense of aesthetic, I assure you. We’d much rather rock the Jesus look with scraggily beards, faux John Holmes mustaches, and growth around our manhood that would make a bush burn from blushing. Shaving and grooming is no longer a market monopolized by you anymore. Read More »

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear Dude,
Without sounding conceited, I’m smart, funny, pretty and I’ve got an hourglass figure. My problem is that I’ve got a whole lot of personality and apparently I’m intimidating to guys. Whenever I go to parties, I get hit on but it never goes anywhere because although I act really outgoing, I’m secretly shy when it comes to guys and, ironically, I am attracted to guys who are also shy.

None of my friends would believe it, but I can’t for the life of me ever think of what to say to a guy. I’ve tried visualizing them as girls, but it never works, I just can’t get comfortable around them. Part of my problem is that my best friend, who I’ve known since I was a kid, is gay, but I didn’t figure that out until recently. When we hang out together, it’s like we’re two girls. Now every time I’m with a guy, I expect it to be the same level of ease, but it never is. Even with my guy friends, I’m not at ease and would never call them to hang out alone.

Can you think of anything to help me out? I’m getting desperate here.

Thanks,
Tongue Tied.

P.S. I always find out their interests and steer the conversation onto that topic, but I still can’t seem to make anything of the flirtatious encounters.  Read More »

"WHY DID HE PUT A PERIOD AT THE END?!??!"

When our mothers were single ladies, courtship had a very different feel. If they met the man of their dreams, it meant they were chained to the house phone for the next week – waiting for Mr. Right to call. Today, cell phones have granted us the gift of mobility. While women may not be able to shake that desperate feeling, they can at least carry it with them to the mall or out with friends. The real benefit of cell phones, however, is text messaging.

In my experience, text messaging has been a blessing and a curse for relationships. Sure, you can edit and tweak everything you say before you say it. You can read messages and chose how and when to respond.  You can even save conversations to replay and re-analyze over and over again (a practice I am wayyyy to familiar with). On the down side, the informality of text messaging has blurred the “rules” of who makes the first move. Read More »

Completely gratuitous

Questionista for Tuffy the Tuffster?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com for a chance to get your question answerindoed!!!

Dear Tuffy Luv,
Last year I met a really cute boy at the bar on my birthday. He bought me drinks, we danced and kissed all night, and it was fantastic. I ended up getting dragged away by some friends and leaving with them instead of him, but two days later he added me to Facebook, got my number and started texting me saying how much fun he had with me and could we hang out again soon. We did, and a heavy make-out session ensued. Not wanting to seem easy, I left it at kissing for that date. He seemed super interested, so we kept going out and hooking up for a couple of weeks.

The problem was, I was really badly hung up on another guy who I now realize was a womanizer and didn’t deserve my time, but back then I was pretty obsessed with him. For some insane reason, I thought that my birthday guy would ruin my chances with the other guy, so I actually suddenly 100% stopped talking to him. Worst idea ever? Definitely. I didn’t respond to his calls, texts or FB messages. After a month he left a voicemail saying how he had no idea what he did wrong, he was sorry for whatever it was, but he was giving up. I’d just had a hot hook-up with the fantasy boy so I didn’t really think too much about it…

Until the beginning of last semester when I realized what an ass fantasy boy truly is and how much nicer the other guy is. I was so blinded by the idea of the fantasy guy that I quite literally didn’t see what I already had. He lives in the dorm directly below mine this year so I always see him in the stairs, and he’s always at the same parties and building events. I usually catch him staring at me and there’s like an awkward should-I-say-hi moment, but for some reason we haven’t talked yet this year. I badly want to apologize for being a bitch and suggest I make it up to him, but I have no idea how to go about it. I’m worried he hates me or something, which he probably should. To top things off, I keep having bizarre (sometimes sexual) dreams about him, so I can’t get him off my mind!

Help me Tuffy Luv, what do I do to make it right? I was pretty sure he liked me before, is there a chance he might still feel the same?

Love,
Regretful Read More »

Alright, we’ve been through this familiar phase one too many times. There’s that cute guy in your English class, you make eye contact, exchange a few words, and then you call every single one of your friends to fill them in with excruciating detail. Then, a few weeks go by, nothing happens, and this routine soon becomes much too unexciting for you.

So…what happens next?

Is it okay to wait for English cutie to make a move, or should you be that bold girl who walks up to him and shatters his expectations? And if you do make that “forbidden” first move, does that mean you’ll be making moves for the rest of the relationship? That you’ll be in charge? That he can just sit back and enjoy the ride?

That’s what some people think, but I am not one of them.

I’m a big believer in going for what I want, because if not now, then when? If that were me, I wouldn’t hesitate in asking English cutie out to lunch because I’ve really got nothing to lose.

The problem is, many people fear “breaking the rules” of typical relationships or taking charge changes each partner’s roles in said relationships, too. Many people also fear that a woman who makes the first move is then in control of the relationship as a whole and no longer needs to be courted or romanced.

I simply do not agree. Despite the fact that I may ask out English cutie, when we do go out, I will still expect him to open the door for me, treat me like a queen, and, most importantly, to make the next move if he likes me back.

No, I am not a stuck up girl who expects every guy to bow down to me. That’s ridiculous. What I mean is that I am confident with myself and I know what I deserve from guys. Simply because I decide to change up the game does not mean that I have decided to lower the level of respect I both expect and deserve. Why? Because having a guy open the door for you does not mean you can’t open it yourself, it means that he thinks you’re amazing enough to go out of his way and do it for you.

Sure, saying that guys need to maintain their respective role in the relationship can conflict with gender stereotypes. I understand that. But does the modern woman becoming more confident and self-assured mean losing the respect that was once there? Are all the go-getter type of women suddenly seen as less respected, intimidating, and less than worthy of a little romance?

The answer to these questions will never be clear cut, but one thing is for sure: regardless of what changes our dating world is going through, it is important to realize that no woman should ever lower her standards just to keep herself in the game. It’s not the things that guys buy you that represent the respect in a relationship, but simply their behavior and mannerisms around you. I’m not saying dump him if he refuses to pay for your dinner or doesn’t bring flowers on the first date, but just follow your gut. Does he make you feel special or are you always initiating the moves?

For example, I once dated a guy where I made the first move in getting his contact information. Yet, after the relationship progressed, I noticed that he always forgot our month anniversaries, only called every so often, and consistently put his friends before me. This was definitely a red flag of disrespect! I was constantly questioning my happiness with him because I was more content hanging out with my friends than going out on a date with him. Not willing to be the relationship ring leader (or the only one who was even really there), I ended things with him. I went into the relationship because it was something I had initiated and wanted, but I left the moment I felt unappreciated.

So ladies, do your thing that makes you unique and exceptional from the rest. Be fearless in making your moves, flirting your way to his heart, and following your gut. But stop for a moment and make sure you’re getting as much back as you’re putting in. It’s fine to take charge (in fact, it’s exhilarating to go for what you want!), but you deserve a whole lot in return.

And to all those guys who can’t take a hint, get this: I may not be shy to ask you to hang out, but that doesn’t mean you should stop trying to court me like the gentleman you are. Bring on the flowers, dinner dates, cute texts, and late night phone calls…if not, I’ll find someone else to put the moves on.

OMG. We are so. effing. tired. What a freaking week.

Somehow we managed to stay up way too late every night and we still feel like we accomplished nothing. Maybe that’s because we’re women and we are never satisfied. Or maybe it’s because between consuming large quantities of the best snack ever and trying some new ways to get healthy, we didn’t have time for the important stuff.

Like shopping for some new spring clothes (or making em!), or picking up the Kelly Clarkson Album. Or running to Whole Foods to stock up on makeup that isn’t toxic. Or attempting to change that guy into someone who does want a relationship.

But the week wasn’t a total wash. We learned a bit about hazing, picked up some awesome threads in grandma’s closet, learned how to cook, and planned a SIIIICK St. Patty’s day party. Without green beer. And we invited the boy we heart. Woot!

Oh, and we got tested. That was fun. Ok, it wasn’t too bad. I mean, at least we don’t have this girl’s problem.

I hate waiting for guys to approach me, mostly because they never do. So, instead of standing in the corner giggling with my girlfriends while simultaneously sucking in my belly, I do laps around the bar and approach the guys who pique my interest. Or libido.

It seems to work for me, but during a recent interview with the Millionaire Matchmaker (which will be coming soon!), I learned that women should never make the first move. Ever. Not in one million years. Bad idea. Never do it.

I wanted to believe Patti – after all, she knows her sh*t – but I just wasn’t sure if all guys felt the same way she did. I mean, guys are lazy and have fragile egos; surely letting the girl do all the work would be a huge turn on? I asked my go-to guy for his take on the situation.

See what he thinks about making the first move: Read More »