[The following post was written by dating coach, Kira Sabin, a keg of dating and relationship wisdom. She's been helping people find love for years so we thought we'd tap this keg and see what sort of brilliant advice she has for the CollegeCandy readers. Drink up!]

OK ladies, we need to have a little tough love talk today. I hate to say it but sometimes I am a little confused by my own gender. As a coach I try to remain really neutral. I truly have met some amazing single men and women who make me want to be a better person. But the stories I have been hearing lately! Yikes.

A few times I have been out with my friend G and all of a sudden his Blackberry will light up. He will look at it and then shake his head. Once again, it is a woman who had a conversation with ONE evening and now she texts him 2 or 3 nights a week. Numerous times, while I have been in his presence, asking him to grab a drink. He has never said yes, he has never led her on or to believe that he is interested. Yet still, she texts and texts and texts.

One of my other clients has been waking up to texts daily with a woman he has been out with on TWO dates. Really?

Another client was told by a woman he had been on THREE dates with that he was not trying to maul her and obviously was not interested in her. Even though he is recently out of a major relationship, had his heart broken and wanted to take it slow.  True story.

Ladies, stop texting, Facebooking and emailing. Put down the phones and listen up.

Here is the deal. These are great guys. Really great, but they have no idea how to deal with these situations and although these women could have been possibilities at some point, these guys are backed into a corner scratching their heads, wondering how to get the hell out. These are the types of guys you WANT to date. They are smart, funny, attractive, successful…the whole package. But coming on to them with the full court press has left them confused and even a little frightened. It is making it harder on the rest of single women everywhere and is certainly not going to get you quality dates.

Don’t misunderstand me. I regularly let women know how important it is to let men know you are interested because the slightly subtle signs you are sending are probably being missed and they are not sure whether to ask you out again or not.   If they are confused that you are interested, lots of the great guys won’t stay around to figure it out. But just like politics, extremes are not welcome in dating. Assuming that just because you had a great conversation or a couple of good dates that this is going somewhere is just plain nutters and can take you from zero to crazy in less than 60 seconds.

As a dating coach I am the first one to admit this: we have made this love/relationship really, really complicated.  Hell, we have made basic human interaction uncommon.  We are so busy taking the easy way out through texting and Facebooking (which has a whole lot of its own issues), trying to connect the safe way that we all get tangled up in the wires.  If you had a good meeting, date, etc. and make sure they know you are interested, take a deep breath and smile.   Everyone moves at their own pace and constantly trying to make everyone move at your pace is going to leave you scratching your head as you pour another “woe is me” drink with your friends.  Yes, it sucks to be stuck in that crappy ass nervous place waiting for a phone call, but do you really want to date someone that wasn’t willing to feel a little nervous for awhile for you?

Slow down. Think about it. Stop the regular texting…if they were interested they would call you. Please, for the good of all womankind.

[Looking to get more tips, tricks and just some damn good advice?  Join me with CollegeCandy this January for our first College Candy Dating Makeover.  Who’s excited?!]

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (He dumped me - why won't he stop texting?!) over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dude,
I have this co-worker that we have been close friends for about 3 years. We live in different areas and are in different offices for the same company. Anyway, about 6 months ago we started flirting and he said that he has always liked me and been attracted to me, stated that he was shy and that it was why he never said anything before. Two months ago we made out, once. After, we continued our friendship like nothing happened. He emails me almost daily and calls me regularly, but hasn’t made an effort to get together.  I went to his office for work this last week and he made several comments about how good I smell and that I have beautiful shoulders. He never made a move though.  I just need some insight; is he shy and is into me, or should I just forget about it and move on?

Sincerely,
Sarah Lacking Insight

Dear Sarah Lacking Insight,

Guy likes girl. Girl likes guy. They hook up and pretend it never happened? But she still likes him and he still likes her? Does this chain of events make any sense? This issue sounds like it has a deceptively simple solution, albeit one that does have some risks but also the promise of big rewards: YOU make a move on HIM.

In an earlier post (What Man Does To Woo The Woman, which you should totally check out to learn the inner workings of the male mind) I talked about how, even in this day of striving gender equality in all aspects of life, the guy still tends to have a certain expectation on him. The man is expected to take the initiative. Yes, this is a generalization and there are exceptions and I’m encouraging you to be exceptional this time. You’ve got a guy that clearly has feelings for you. He told you he did and told you why he hadn’t put himself out there before then. Then, you both acted on your feelings toward each other. The mystery to divulge is why things didn’t progress beyond that one magical night (doesn’t sound like he lost his soul and reverted to his vampiric demon form).

There could be a few possibilities here. For the chronically shy almost any action takes superhuman effort. Perhaps after that night of tonsil hockey he was spent and scared himself off of pursuing anything further. Maybe he chickened out and thought you’d reject him if he tried to get more serious. Could be that he’s not interested anymore (although the constant communications and compliments you’ve described doesn’t make it sound like that’s the case). Another possibility is that he was waiting for you to reciprocate in some way that he thinks you haven’t. This is all hypothetical. You’re the one in the trenches. I’m just giving you some cupcakes for thought. But again, if you love him so and you want to know, just ask him out (crap, did I just make a Cher movie reference? Oh wait, it had Bob Hoskins in it, so it’s not too bad. After all, a ‘toon killed his brother. That’s macho, right?).

Don’t stand on ceremony! You’ve got a will they/won’t they situation. You know what kept Chuck and Sarah apart for most of season 3 (not the first two seasons, there were national security reasons that validated their lustful longings)? Or Rachel and Ross for seemingly forever? Fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of spurned feelings. Fear of being vulnerable. Before you have the clear-cut answer of move in or move on, you’re going to have to put yourself out there. Unless you don’t think he’s worth the effort. I’m putting the ball in your court. Act and you’ll know for sure, one way or the other. Don’t act and face the possibility of regret but at least you won’t get hurt. Of course, you might not be happy either…

Promoting equal rights in and out of the office,
Carmichael, Dude Carmichael

Smitten, I scribbled it down, hoping I put the right area code. I didn’t expect him to call me that night because I was convinced he was at his tenth strip joint, but when he called me asking what I was doing my hopes took a high ride. We talked for a little bit, but his bachelor party activities got in the way of us hanging out that night (probably because he couldn’t figure out how to get a thong untied from his face).

And now, this girl needs some serious Dating 101. Unfortunately homeboy didn’t ask me to hang out/go on a date beyond our brief bachelor party convo and now all I want to do is ask him myself.

But here comes the battle of my two dating philosophies:

My Dating Philosophy #1: ‘Tradition is Key”
I’ve always been more traditional and it’s annoying. It has worked and hasn’t worked in my favor. I always want the man to make the first move, because then I can be sure he digs me.  I’ve always felt more safe that way. Why would I waste time asking questions like; “Nope, he doesn’t like me because he put his hand in his pocket and looked at the ground when he said goodbye…”

If the guy asks me out, you know he wants to see me, right?  But if I ask him out – I really don’t know for sure if he’s giving me a pity-date just because he doesn’t have the heart to say no.  I guess my pride has roped in the best of me.  We all have an itty bitty tendency to stick up our nose and bask in the satisfaction/fantasy land that I’ll be fine, the man I end up really loving will ask me out himself.

From what I’ve learned, guys are pretty simple.  If they like you, they will ask you out. If they don’t um…they won’t.  In the end, wouldn’t you want a confident guy that is going to jump forward and make the first move anyway?

My Dating Philosophy #2L “It’s 2010-You-Are-A-Big-Girl?”
What do I have to lose? You get what you want in life because you go out there and get it yourself. I’ve been riding easy on the quote, “You have to go on a limb sometimes  because that is where the fruit is.”  It really is true; you have to put yourself out there or how are you going to ever know if ‘it was meant to be.’  Besides, what is the worse he could say – ‘Um no?’ His loss anyway.  Guys nowadays like a confident girl who can bust out of the realm and ask someone out.  It is that simple.

Recently, my the other lovely intern in the press box gave me fabulous advice – and yet another great philosophy. She said, “I say you ask him. If he say’s yes and he likes you, than great! If he say’s yes and doesn’t like you? That is his problem that he has to sit through an entire movie with you.”

So true. But I’m still stuck in a rut. And the rut usually consists of staring at my iPhone screen and constantly deleting attempted text messages. Do I ask him on a date myself – shamelessly – and risk the ability to know if he really digs me? Or do I sit duck and wait for his phone call, knowing for sure that he’s into me if he does?

I need some help here! Which philosophy do I loyally follow??

Easy? EASY! Does throwing yourself on a bomb sound easy? Does walking on fire sound easy? Is repeatedly opening up your veins easy? Alright ladies, this myth of the moronic man-boy making no effort to prove himself worthy of women is going to come crumbling down.

Let me tell you how easy our lives are in the never-ending pursuit of the holiest of holies…

1.     The Daily Routine
Let’s back into this a little. Ladies, grooming isn’t something we do because we like it. We snip our ridiculous stubble and otherwise awesome mountain man beards because we know you hate them (most of you, the hipsters get away with the Unibomber look). Shaving is a tedious and sometimes painful activity. You know the risks involved: ruining your skin, cutting arteries, and developing hand-eye coordination some are not gifted with. Men are now taking a page out of your playbook and waxing. What are they waxing? EVERYTHING! From eyebrows to back to front to legs and then there’s the sculpting of the testicular area. Manscaping is not for our sense of aesthetic, I assure you. We’d much rather rock the Jesus look with scraggily beards, faux John Holmes mustaches, and growth around our manhood that would make a bush burn from blushing. Shaving and grooming is no longer a market monopolized by you anymore.

2. Pumping Iron
Men don’t exercise to feel better. I’d feel better sitting on a couch watching a Chuck marathon gobbling peanut butter M&M’s with a side of Popeyes chicken. I’d rather save $600 a year for something else, like, rent….so I can live in something other than a box…and be peed on by homeless men named Silas (don’t ask). We rack our bodies with pain every other day (or once ever seven days…every three months, maybe) in order to look good naked. Beach season has arrived and it’s time to show the bait: the six-pack (taking a cue from Ryan Reynolds, go Deadpool movie!)

3.     Develop ESP
Men have been accused of never communicating and withholding our emotions. Well ladies, is it completely unfair to suggest that perhaps you primarily express your anger toward us? Generally men get yelled at for being oblivious. And yes, men can be oblivious. However, more than a few fellas have bent my ear telling stories where they felt persecuted. They pissed off their girlfriends for something they had no idea they were doing. Did their girlfriends give them a warning first? 8 out of 10 times, no. For fear of death men must develop the ability to anticipate what will make you angry because you won’t usually nip it in the bud! Cut us some slack, please, we don’t understand how annoying we are, we just are. Don’t hold it in until you can only give us the evil eyes and banish us to the couch.

4.     The Three Day Rule
Guess what? We hate waiting to call too! You think it’s fun after a kickass date to smother our puppy love with silence for days? All we want to do is call and guarantee the next rendezvous ASAP. But we can’t because we’ve been shamed into thinking that showing interest equates with being an emotional cripple. This is in part due to some stalkers amongst our ranks and massively insecure cold hearts amongst yours. Both genders are at fault here. So what do we do? We talk to every guy we can find, looking for loopholes in the rule to get in touch earlier. We try to anticipate every response to every remark we’re going to say. We actually debate the individual words we’re going to use to ask you out again. We’re planning for an offensive campaign and we assume we’re going into hostile territory. Three days? Why? WHY? If only both sides would come to the bargaining table and rewrite this stupid, antiquated, and harmful belief.

5.     Pretending to care about her Music/TV Shows/Chick Flicks
We can’t stand Project Runway, Gossip Girl (with the exception of ogling Leighton Meester) or 27 Dresses but we care about you.

6.     Pretending NOT to care about her Music/TV Shows/Chick Flicks
We choked up watching The Notebook too and damn if Glee isn’t fun, but if we tell anyone we’re banished to the island on Lost.

7.     Sell Our Souls
Money, money, money, money. We kill ourselves at those crap jobs in offices, hotels, investment firms, and we do that so we could someday bleed green if we wanted. Why? We didn’t grow up wanting to be hedge fund managers. We wanted to Batman! Ken Griffey, Jr! Zack Morris! But no, we have to make money so we can buy cars, clothes, condos, watches, and all other manner of impressive and shiny material possessions in order to attract women. We have to be able to take you on a trip to Hong Kong instead of taking you to the Jersey shore. Men obsessed with money are terrified of having no one to spend it on and the only people we want to make our money work for are you. So we sell our dreams of greatness and immortal achievement for a lifetime of ulcers, anxiety, insurmountable stress, chronic fatigue, and heart attacks. We’ve been convinced that the only way to impress you enough to love us is to buy you with financial security. Then we realize, you don’t love us at all, just what we represent for you…no wonder so many who strike it rich are striking out in the happiness department.

8.     Sacrifice All Dignity
Here’s one of my major pet peeves: Men Must Make The First Move. Period. This has become adopted a priori knowledge (yes, that’s oxymoronic, thank you for picking up on the joke). It is expected that we be the first ones to put our hearts on the chopping block. Is that fair? It is demanded of us to overcome our fears of rejection, sacrificing all sense of power, control, and emotional safety for the chance that you will say “yes.” Is that fair? I think of this as a disservice to you, ladies, because it says that you’re lacking a certain fortitude and confidence in yourselves. This is a great social inequality between the sexes and I am going to go out on a cliff here and say that this discrimination is perpetuated by WOMEN! That’s right, I said it! You want to be on the same level as us then kiss us first, drop the L bomb first, and put it all on the line before there’s any guarantee, when destruction is waiting for you at the end of your next sentence. As soon as the words come off of our lips, when we lean in closing our eyes, place a hand on the small of your back, we have exposed old wounds and are inviting you to put salt in them…the horror.

You get no argument from this dude that what you ladies do to yourselves to be seen as attractive is downright masochistic: brazilians; high heels ruining your ankles and lower back; padded bras covering shame at what god gave you (which is beautiful, no matter cup size); disfiguring your natural beauties with pancake and blush;  starving yourselves on salads when all you want is a skirt steak; and forcing us to make a move by demeaning yourselves in flirtation with random strangers in our eyesight. What you do for us is absurd, what we do for you, is almost tragic.

I propose we open up the lines of communication and put an end to all this subterfuge and self-absorbed neurotic BS. What would happen if we threw the game away? What about rewriting the rules to promote honesty or even just common courtesy? The War of the Roses erupts from misunderstanding by both camps and feeling underappreciated. So now that we know what you go through and you know what we go through, truce? To quote the immortal Al Bundy, “can’t we all just, get along?”

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear Dude,
Without sounding conceited, I’m smart, funny, pretty and I’ve got an hourglass figure. My problem is that I’ve got a whole lot of personality and apparently I’m intimidating to guys. Whenever I go to parties, I get hit on but it never goes anywhere because although I act really outgoing, I’m secretly shy when it comes to guys and, ironically, I am attracted to guys who are also shy.

None of my friends would believe it, but I can’t for the life of me ever think of what to say to a guy. I’ve tried visualizing them as girls, but it never works, I just can’t get comfortable around them. Part of my problem is that my best friend, who I’ve known since I was a kid, is gay, but I didn’t figure that out until recently. When we hang out together, it’s like we’re two girls. Now every time I’m with a guy, I expect it to be the same level of ease, but it never is. Even with my guy friends, I’m not at ease and would never call them to hang out alone.

Can you think of anything to help me out? I’m getting desperate here.

Thanks,
Tongue Tied.

P.S. I always find out their interests and steer the conversation onto that topic, but I still can’t seem to make anything of the flirtatious encounters. 

Dear Tongue Tied,

Shyness is a debilitating condition. I’ve been a recovering SST (shy silent type) my entire life. Fear not though all you fellow sufferers, there is a cure.

Confidence is key Starting the conversation is the scariest part of the process. We’re terrified of rejection. We feel like we have nothing to contribute. Part of the fuel for shyness is the fear of disapproval. We want to be accepted. Acceptance is approval. Has the chain of logic belted you upside the head yet? To combat the panic attacks, you have to take the pressure off of yourself and look at the situation with a little perspective: “If he/she throws a slushy in my face I’m not going to die, I’m not going to be suddenly rendered mute, I’m not going to run out of people in the world to talk to, and I’ll know this person is a dJ*©#e not worth my time.” If you relax, he’ll relax. Deep breaths, ignore the ringing in your ears, and just say “hi.” You’ve got nothing to lose! Fortunately, Tongue Tied, sounds like you’re already past this stage of rehabilitation. Onward…

How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice! Start up a conversation with everyone (unless he has a John Holmes mustache or is wearing a 70’s disco shirt. If he has both and is paler than Sheamus from the WWE, then seek out the Slayer immediately). Conversation is a skill that has to be developed. You’ll feel embarrassed at first but you’ll find your rhythm. Ask any aspiring artist you know, they’ll explain from painful experience that to survive and thrive you have to thicken your hide to rejection.

One of the things that the painfully shy are prone to do is overcompensate. We go from a vow of silence to rambling like Bob Dylan on Adderall. This can be completely unconscious (to you, not to the other person looking for an escape hatch). By taking over the conversation we come on too strong. This turns people off. Ask questions. When you offer opinions make sure you leave room for discussion. Let him be the leader for a while. The next guy you chat up, gauge if you’re intensity can stand to be dropped a few levels.

A pretty, smart, sexy, funny woman isn’t something guys want to run away from. My intuitive inference is that the problem you’re having is your approach due to your shyness, which stems from years of reinforced fear of rejection. You’ve got to take the pressure off yourself to impress. You’re goal shouldn’t be to “win him over” or “convince” him you’re who he wants. That’s putting your self-worth in his actions and belittling all you’ve got to offer which sounds like A LOT. Remove expectations of approval. Focus on having a good time getting to know him because he interests you. If you approach him relaxed then that will set the tone for everything else.

Next time think: you’re not being graded, he can’t hurt you unless you give him the power to, and there’s always the cute guy that just walked in.

Don’t freak out,
The Inter-Dude

"WHY DID HE PUT A PERIOD AT THE END?!??!"

When our mothers were single ladies, courtship had a very different feel. If they met the man of their dreams, it meant they were chained to the house phone for the next week – waiting for Mr. Right to call. Today, cell phones have granted us the gift of mobility. While women may not be able to shake that desperate feeling, they can at least carry it with them to the mall or out with friends. The real benefit of cell phones, however, is text messaging.

In my experience, text messaging has been a blessing and a curse for relationships. Sure, you can edit and tweak everything you say before you say it. You can read messages and chose how and when to respond.  You can even save conversations to replay and re-analyze over and over again (a practice I am wayyyy to familiar with). On the down side, the informality of text messaging has blurred the “rules” of who makes the first move.

I have always been a very strong believer in the idea that the guy should text the girl first. As embarrassing as this is, I had to fight the urge to become a fan of “I’m The Girl. You’re The Boy. You Text Me First Or We Don’t Talk Today” on Facebook (which, by the way, has over one million fans). However, I don’t know if my phone’s contact list would agree with me. Scrolling down, it’s easy to spot the “John – bar,”  “Mike – hockey team,” and “Ryan – tall kid.” These are the names of boys who I’ve met, exchanged numbers with, and never spoke to again. Instead of seeing the light of the inbox, these boys are permanently sentenced to “never-contact-land” and “look-the-other-way-when-I-pass-you-ville.”

Recently, there has been much debate over the rights to the send button among my friends and myself. While some stand by my rule, others aren’t afraid to be aggressive and use the sent box to its full potential. We accused each other of being either too prude or too forward, until my one friend proposed her method.

Her strategy? “If I like them, I’ll text them first – like, right after I meet them so they know I’m interested. When I first met Joe (her current boyfriend), I got his number and texted him saying ‘you’re pretty lame for leaving that party… I wish you would have stayed.’”

At first, I dismissed it right away. It takes an internal debate and approval from all of my roommates just for me to IM a boy I like; this was clearly way too forward. But then I realized two things: 1. I am crazy. 2. This actually might work.

First of all, if you meet this guy on a night out, you’re probably at least tipsy; aka anything you do/say/text is excusable. Secondly, you just met him – it’s not like it’s the next day and you’re still thinking about him. Third, it lets him know you are interested. (Often, I forget it’s called “hard-to-get” and think it’s called “impossible-to-get.” The truth is, no mentally stable guy will pursue something that’s 100% unattainable.) Fourth, it lets him think that if he had stayed, he would have gotten a little somethin’somethin’ from you. If you’re me, that’s definitely not the case – but it should at least make him realize that he missed the opportunity… which means he’ll be interested in seeing you again.

Could I have been wrong all along? Is this the ideal solution? It certainly has credibility – she’s the one with the Facebook-official relationship. Looking at the way I play the “love game,” I can’t help but feel like my ways and beliefs contradict. I consider myself an advocate of woman’s rights and gender equality, yet I always find myself waiting around for the man to decide the path of the relationship. Perhaps I have misjudged. It’s 2010, technology has been revolutionized and so has flirting.

I have yet to try out my new perspective, but I’m eagerly awaiting the next digits I receive. Who knows… maybe “Andrew – Hottie from the club” might turn into an “Andy – boyfrienddd<3″.

For more tips on practicing safe text, check out the book “Flirtexting“!

Completely gratuitous

Questionista for Tuffy the Tuffster?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com for a chance to get your question answerindoed!!!

Dear Tuffy Luv,
Last year I met a really cute boy at the bar on my birthday. He bought me drinks, we danced and kissed all night, and it was fantastic. I ended up getting dragged away by some friends and leaving with them instead of him, but two days later he added me to Facebook, got my number and started texting me saying how much fun he had with me and could we hang out again soon. We did, and a heavy make-out session ensued. Not wanting to seem easy, I left it at kissing for that date. He seemed super interested, so we kept going out and hooking up for a couple of weeks.

The problem was, I was really badly hung up on another guy who I now realize was a womanizer and didn’t deserve my time, but back then I was pretty obsessed with him. For some insane reason, I thought that my birthday guy would ruin my chances with the other guy, so I actually suddenly 100% stopped talking to him. Worst idea ever? Definitely. I didn’t respond to his calls, texts or FB messages. After a month he left a voicemail saying how he had no idea what he did wrong, he was sorry for whatever it was, but he was giving up. I’d just had a hot hook-up with the fantasy boy so I didn’t really think too much about it…

Until the beginning of last semester when I realized what an ass fantasy boy truly is and how much nicer the other guy is. I was so blinded by the idea of the fantasy guy that I quite literally didn’t see what I already had. He lives in the dorm directly below mine this year so I always see him in the stairs, and he’s always at the same parties and building events. I usually catch him staring at me and there’s like an awkward should-I-say-hi moment, but for some reason we haven’t talked yet this year. I badly want to apologize for being a bitch and suggest I make it up to him, but I have no idea how to go about it. I’m worried he hates me or something, which he probably should. To top things off, I keep having bizarre (sometimes sexual) dreams about him, so I can’t get him off my mind!

Help me Tuffy Luv, what do I do to make it right? I was pretty sure he liked me before, is there a chance he might still feel the same?

Love,
Regretful

Dear Regretful,

Well, to be honest, girl – you blew it.

The thing is, you already blew him off, and with zero explanation. Which is fine. You were totally within your rights. But you had your chance and you picked the other guy. No backsies, honey.

Well, so, okay. Now you’re interested. But are you just interested because you’re lonely? It seems like the more disenchanted you become with Former Fantasy Guy, the better Guy You Ignored starts to look. Is that actually based on anything? Or is this guy just your New Fantasy Guy?

If you really wanted to know, you should have gotten to know Guy You Ignored before you started to ignore him. As Tuffy sees it now, you chose someone else and so if you try to go back to someone you never even had in the first place, it’s sort of like you’re fishing through the recyclables. Yeah, you might find a clean jar to store your erasers in, but you also might find one contaminated with salmonella or some shiz.

Okay. Anyway. You get the idea. The only reason you have to think this guy is better than Former Fantasy Guy is based on a new fantasy of this other guy. Haven’t you learned your lesson?!

If you really, for some reason Tuffs can’t understand, feel a burning need to try to get back with this guy (hopefully not when you pee–use condoms, kids!), my advice to you would be to say hi next time you see him. Pretty simple. Ask him if he wants to go for coffee. Make a plan and go. And then–gasp!–talk to him and see if there’s a chance.

However, he might still feel totally rejected. And, just as you were within your rights to not bother with him, he is within his rights to not bother with you.

But to be honest, why not just find another guy? There are plenty of fish in the sea that you haven’t already ditched. Why not check out one of them? You might not even need a fantasy at all.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Alright, we’ve been through this familiar phase one too many times. There’s that cute guy in your English class, you make eye contact, exchange a few words, and then you call every single one of your friends to fill them in with excruciating detail. Then, a few weeks go by, nothing happens, and this routine soon becomes much too unexciting for you.

So…what happens next?

Is it okay to wait for English cutie to make a move, or should you be that bold girl who walks up to him and shatters his expectations? And if you do make that “forbidden” first move, does that mean you’ll be making moves for the rest of the relationship? That you’ll be in charge? That he can just sit back and enjoy the ride?

That’s what some people think, but I am not one of them.

I’m a big believer in going for what I want, because if not now, then when? If that were me, I wouldn’t hesitate in asking English cutie out to lunch because I’ve really got nothing to lose.

The problem is, many people fear “breaking the rules” of typical relationships or taking charge changes each partner’s roles in said relationships, too. Many people also fear that a woman who makes the first move is then in control of the relationship as a whole and no longer needs to be courted or romanced.

I simply do not agree. Despite the fact that I may ask out English cutie, when we do go out, I will still expect him to open the door for me, treat me like a queen, and, most importantly, to make the next move if he likes me back.

No, I am not a stuck up girl who expects every guy to bow down to me. That’s ridiculous. What I mean is that I am confident with myself and I know what I deserve from guys. Simply because I decide to change up the game does not mean that I have decided to lower the level of respect I both expect and deserve. Why? Because having a guy open the door for you does not mean you can’t open it yourself, it means that he thinks you’re amazing enough to go out of his way and do it for you.

Sure, saying that guys need to maintain their respective role in the relationship can conflict with gender stereotypes. I understand that. But does the modern woman becoming more confident and self-assured mean losing the respect that was once there? Are all the go-getter type of women suddenly seen as less respected, intimidating, and less than worthy of a little romance?

The answer to these questions will never be clear cut, but one thing is for sure: regardless of what changes our dating world is going through, it is important to realize that no woman should ever lower her standards just to keep herself in the game. It’s not the things that guys buy you that represent the respect in a relationship, but simply their behavior and mannerisms around you. I’m not saying dump him if he refuses to pay for your dinner or doesn’t bring flowers on the first date, but just follow your gut. Does he make you feel special or are you always initiating the moves?

For example, I once dated a guy where I made the first move in getting his contact information. Yet, after the relationship progressed, I noticed that he always forgot our month anniversaries, only called every so often, and consistently put his friends before me. This was definitely a red flag of disrespect! I was constantly questioning my happiness with him because I was more content hanging out with my friends than going out on a date with him. Not willing to be the relationship ring leader (or the only one who was even really there), I ended things with him. I went into the relationship because it was something I had initiated and wanted, but I left the moment I felt unappreciated.

So ladies, do your thing that makes you unique and exceptional from the rest. Be fearless in making your moves, flirting your way to his heart, and following your gut. But stop for a moment and make sure you’re getting as much back as you’re putting in. It’s fine to take charge (in fact, it’s exhilarating to go for what you want!), but you deserve a whole lot in return.

And to all those guys who can’t take a hint, get this: I may not be shy to ask you to hang out, but that doesn’t mean you should stop trying to court me like the gentleman you are. Bring on the flowers, dinner dates, cute texts, and late night phone calls…if not, I’ll find someone else to put the moves on.

Somehow we managed to stay up way too late every night and we still feel like we accomplished nothing. Maybe that’s because we’re women and we are never satisfied. Or maybe it’s because between consuming large quantities of the best snack ever and trying some new ways to get healthy, we didn’t have time for the important stuff.

Like shopping for some new spring clothes (or making em!), or picking up the Kelly Clarkson Album. Or running to Whole Foods to stock up on makeup that isn’t toxic. Or attempting to change that guy into someone who does want a relationship.

But the week wasn’t a total wash. We learned a bit about hazing, picked up some awesome threads in grandma’s closet, learned how to cook, and planned a SIIIICK St. Patty’s day party. Without green beer. And we invited the boy we heart. Woot!

Oh, and we got tested. That was fun. Ok, it wasn’t too bad. I mean, at least we don’t have this girl’s problem.

I hate waiting for guys to approach me, mostly because they never do. So, instead of standing in the corner giggling with my girlfriends while simultaneously sucking in my belly, I do laps around the bar and approach the guys who pique my interest. Or libido.

It seems to work for me, but during a recent interview with the Millionaire Matchmaker (which will be coming soon!), I learned that women should never make the first move. Ever. Not in one million years. Bad idea. Never do it.

I wanted to believe Patti – after all, she knows her sh*t – but I just wasn’t sure if all guys felt the same way she did. I mean, guys are lazy and have fragile egos; surely letting the girl do all the work would be a huge turn on? I asked my go-to guy for his take on the situation.

See what he thinks about making the first move: