What is wrong with this girl?

In light of the recent engagement of mesh-shirt-wearing, Twitter-obsessed Michael Lohan and former Jon Gosselin flame Kate Majors (the chick who quit her job at Star Magazine because she had fallen in love with the deadbeat dad), we are forced to wonder: could Kate Major be in the Guinness Book for World Records for having the worst taste in men on this planet?

We thought so, but then we started thinking and, while sad and seemingly impossible, there are a few women out there who might be digging even deeper in the dung pit of horrible men. And here they are: the only 5 women on earth who have worst taste than Ms. Major.

Britney Spears:
How could we even start a list like this without this woman?  With the exception of Justin Timberlake (and hey, we don’t even know if he’s that awesome as a bf) her dating list has been a train wreck.  I mean, we owe the celebrity of KFed to her alone. And who can forget that time she invited paparazzi Adnan Ghalib to get a first-hand look at her life? Ugh, don’t even get me started on that facial hair. Brava, Britney, brava.

Jessica Simpson:
When she first came on the scene, we loved her as the newlywed to boybander Nick Lachey.  Precious.  But following the end of that marriage, it was stinker after stinker.  John Mayer?  Scum.  Tony Romo?  Engaged less than a year after their two-year relationship ends.  Billy Corgan?  …Weird.

Ashlee Simpson:
I guess when your dad is Joe Simpson you’re pretty much guaranteed to fall for dbags. When we first heard of Jessica’s punky younger sister she was dating Ryan Cabrera.  At the time, this wasn’t so bad, but seriously?  That guy?  We get it, your dad was managing him too, but his hair actually makes me angry.  Now, she’s happily wedded to…Pete Wentz.  Yes, that Pete Wentz, who wears more eyeliner than me, got a tattoo of his friend’s face on himself and has been known to walk around with a paper plate mask on to “fool” the paparazzi.  Good one, dude.  Wah wah.

Sandra Bullock:
Sorry, but home girl has to be on here. Sure, she’s had some pretty great guys in her past (Tate Donovan and Ryan Gosling, just to name some hotness), but her recent dud cancels all that out. From the facial hair to the tats to the whole “I’m secretly a neo-Nazi who likes to bang other women on my office couch,” Jesse James is pretty scumtastic. You know the guy is bad when I’d rather spend a night with Jon Gosselin than spend a minute breathing the same air as this guy.

Anyone Who’s Ever Been on Rock/Flavor of Love: Ok so for at least three seasons, women were falling all over themselves to get with either Bret Michaels or Flava Flav.  Yes, Flava Flav.  An aging rock star with extensions and tattooed eyeliner is pretty bad, but it has to be said, at least at one point Bret Michaels was hot.  Flava Flav looks like a tiny raisin wearing a clock around his neck.  That is like cartoon character status, but for some insane reason, skanks the world over want to be this guy’s lady.  That is the ultimate in bad taste.  Sorry hos, your time is up.

Puppies! Enjoy.

Mmmm March Madness.

Robin Williams is doin’ A-OK.

Myth or fact: you can repair split ends.

Make a 25 before 25 list!

Zac Efron out of Footloose?

Obama to speak at Notre Dame commencement!

Cure for the dreaded bikini wax?!

LC’s love life heats up.

Would you wanna smell like Avril?

Flava Flav is 50?!

The Pregnant Man – Thomas Beattie became the sensation of the world in April when he appeared on Oprah to defend his choice to have a child as a transgendered man. Sticking up for your beliefs? Awesome, and definitely commendable. Eventually turning into a fame slut and marketing out your second pregnancy? Not cool. Now pregnant with his second child, Beattie has already cemented a book deal on his experience and been interviewed a second time as a ‘Barbara Walters Exclusive.’ One child is a miracle. A second one immediately afterwards is a marketing scheme.

Batsh** Insane Celebrities Across The Media - Britney, Lindsey, and others: we’re talking to you. 2008 was the year of the mental millionaire, with the world playing a captive audience to the tragic, bizarre, and sometimes just eerie behavior of celebrities. We watched Britney Spears struggle to put her life back together after divorce, Lindsey Lohan battling various addictions, and Scarlett Johansson crossing the borderline into stalker-ish about Barack Obama. Here’s the real scoop: an estimated 57.7 million adults are suffering from a diagnosable mental illness in the United States alone. What makes these celebrities any different from these people who are suffering in private besides their income and the paparazzi that shadow them? Watching people suffer is definitely a trend that shouldn’t cross over into ’09.

“Reality” Dating Shows - Now that Flavor Flav has finally hung up his clock and gone off the air, there are about thirty shows taking his place, and they’re spreading like cockroaches. Tila Tequila, the ‘Ikki Twins,’ and others are taking over Vh1 and MTV mercilessly, swamping our televisions with drunken fights (actually funny to watch), and pointless drama. Who makes their boyfriends/girlfriends eat nasty pig parts and do bizarre things in the name of love? These loveless actors do. Some dating shows range from the creepy (Date My Mom) to the outright postmortem (The Bachelor), but either way, they all need to go.

Political Ignorance/Apathy – In the year of the historical election, political action was awesome and political apathy was absolutely the anti-cool. The worst of the worse were the nonpartisans who were both apathetic and uneducated about the election. Their “why should I bother to vote” statements were both inhibiting to the democratic tradition and simply irritating. Guaranteed to piss off people who were voting, the ‘Not Voting’ demographic drew on fallacies and the platforms that they didn’t really understand to prove why they weren’t going to vote. The election was basically a two horse race, but there were still other entries available as an alternate, so not voting at all was just not cool.

Guys in Girl Jeans – It’s creepy. It’s weird. It’s a guy shopping in the same section as you in PacSun. As you put down the pair of sunglasses you were looking at and openly stare, you realize he’s not just shopping for a shirt to give to his girlfriend. He’s holding three pairs of jeans in his hand, and there’s no girlfriend in sight. As you watch, he takes the jeans and starts walking to the dressing rooms. You are not witnessing a confused shopper. You’re witnessing the Girl Jean Phenomenon, a plague of 2008 pop culture, and a trend that needs to die on December 31st. Guys wearing our jeans is not cool or edgy. It’s just lame and, now, overplayed.

Saturday Night Live – Is it still going? It’s been in the process of becoming painfully unfunny in the years since Will Ferrell left, and now with the exit of Amy Poehler, we just need to euthanize it. A classic sketch show that began in 1975 with genuinely funny people, SNL has run over six hundred episodes of pure comedic bliss continuously for thirty-three years. As with all great series, though, the time has come to put SNL out of its misery before it becomes the kind of joke it used to make.

Churning Out Tween Pop Stars By The Dozen – If child enslavement was defined as being manufactured on a kids’ show and being shoved on the masses, Disney and Nickelodeon would be doing massive amounts of time in jail. The list of sugary sweet music artists includes, but definitely is not limited to The Jonas Brothers, Hannah Montana, Demi What’s-Her-Name, That Miranda Kid, and a host of others, few if any of whom have actual talent. But you wouldn’t know, because should you approach any method of media that is playing a song by them, you’ll be deafened instantly and hopelessly by the cacophony of shrieking that erupts. The Original Disney Channel Star, Hilary Duff, unfortunately started it all when she split from Disney in 2004 to pursue a solo career (which caused a big fuss, if I remember right). She was an original, at least for the Disney Channel. These cookie cutter kids? About as generic as it gets.

Agree or disagree? Think something else should have made the list? Voice your opinions below, and tell us what you think about the worst pop culture in 2008!

No, it’s not his lunch on his breath that you’re sniffing, but his cologne. Thanks to our friends at Burger King, your man can now smell like his favorite fast-food sandwich with help from their newly released scent, Flame. It’s described by the BK cologne website Fire Meets Desire as “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat.” Because nothing says “I wanna treat you like a princess” like smelling like a $2.39 pile of grease. Flame will be sold on the Fire Meets Desire website as well as at New York City-based retailer, Ricky’s, for a mere $4 a spray-bottle.

I’m not quite sure why the Burger King himself (who, by the way, looks like the result of an illegitimate mating between Holy Roman Emperor Charlemagne and Flava Flav) appears on the website reclining nude in front of a fire with just a fur blanket. Seeing that made me feel as though I’d just rubbed my eyes with horseradish. And is it just me, or have there been a lot of unorthodox colognes being released on the market lately? Next up: Valentino’s Eau du Public Transportation.

That being said, if the sweet aroma of the Whopper does send tingles down your spine, this is just the gift for you. After all, it’s not that strange to want to combine food and sex. Burger King just may be onto something with this food-scented body spray. As my friend said, if nothing else, it gives a new meaning to the term “special sauce.”

So we thought we’d whip up a little list of our own absurdly fascinating people. Enjoy!

Barbara chose:

Will Smith – He’s got that new movie coming out, Seven Pounds, and he…um, yea.

Flava Flav – What’s he been up to lately? Something fascinating, I’m sure.

Barbara chose:

Michael Phelps – Buttaface Michael Phelps. So, he won a bajillion gold medals. Whatever!

CollegeCandy chose:

Plaxico Burress - Homeboy shot himself. That takes the cake in fascination!

Barbara chose:

Miley Cyrus – She’s 16. Her career will be over before she’s even legal…(actually that in itself is pretty fascinating).

CollegeCandy chose:

Random little girl who wants to be Miley – She’s a better dancer than Hannah Montana herself! Work it, girl!

Barbara chose:

Tina Fey – Her impersanation of Barbara’s #3 will go down in history and we totally love her around here, but we still think Babs could have done better.

CollegeCandy chose:

Paris Hilton – It’s fascinating this girl’s even famous and even more fascinating girls are battling it out to be her BFF.

Barbara chose:

Rush Limbaugh – He just talks, and talks… and talks.

CollegeCandy chose:

OJ Simpson – Cuz he finally got sentenced today. A minimum of 15 years? Yikes!

Barbara chose:

Thomas Beatie - The she turned he is pregnant with his second child!

CollegeCandy chose:

Thomas Beatie – That’s legitimately fascinating. And kinda weird, no?

Barbara chose:

Frank Langella – No clue who this guy is, but I guess he’s playing Nixon in some movie.

CollegeCandy chose:

Bronx Mowgli Wentz – His name alone makes him more interesting than what’s his face above.

Barbara chose:

Sarah Palin – She was fascinating alright; her accent was something else.

CollegeCandy chose:

Heidi Montag – Queen of worst life decisions, she actually married that pr*ck. Let us pray…

Barbara chose:

Tom Cruise - He jumps on couches, turned his wife into a robot, and plays a guy who wants to kill Hitler. The most fascinating thing about him is how he managed to producs such an adorable child.

CollegeCandy chose:

Blake Fielder-Civil – Who you ask? Amy Winehouse’s crackhead hubby, who turned this talented star into a total drug addict. Oh, those two!

Barbara chose:

Barack Obama - The United States’ first African-American president! Outstanding!

CollegeCandy chose:

Barack Obama- Again, we had to agree with Babs. President-elect Obama is pretty damn fascinating.

The challenge consisted of constructing a catapult to launch raw chickens from (flashback to hottie, circa Flava Flav Season 1) and the first team to catch and place five raw chickens on the plates, wins the challenge and seals their fate away from elimination for the night.

As always, alliances began to form between teams before the mission even started. At the route of all problems was – surprise, surprise – trashy, plastic Megan, who formed too many alliances, causing Destiny, Mr. Boston and Brandi C. to be chosen as the three bottom players.

Originally, Megan, Brandi C. and Mr. Boston formed an alliance with 12 Pack, the winning team’s captain, to try and get White Boy’s name into the box, as he’s seen as the biggest threat. However, plans were brought to a halt when Megan and White Boy formed an alliance together to save each other, which they did, but not before Megan threw her prior “partners in crime” under the elimination bus.

It’s safe to say that Mr. Boston cracked; his ranting and hysterical screams were on par with a ten year old girl’s temper tantrum. He felt it was wrong that the alliance was broken and, while his argument was valid, his behavior (stomping around, the waterworks, etc.) pretty much gave 12 Pack enough validation he needed to send the semi-unstable New England boy packin’ — but not before Mr. Boston and Brandi C. called Megan out on her traitor like ways. Still, she was not in the bottom three, so she sat there, holding her little Chihuahua dog, oh so Paris Hilton like.

While she may have been safe last night, next week’s challenge looks like it’s centering on The Entertainer’s main squeeze to go home. Teammates gang up on Destiny, causing a rift in both teams mentalities, but who knows how the end will turn out.

People are gunning for White Boy too, but he’s been smart enough to keep himself from landing in the bottom bunch. I’m rootin’ for him to win…so let’s hope he stays there.

Tune in next week, folks!

[photo courtesy of vh1.com]

For real… it is in the Urban Dictionary!

Bromance: Describes the complicated love and affection shared by two straight males.

Brody’s obvious bromantic partner has to be Frankie; those two are inseparable. But, there is talk on the street that Brody’s partner in crime may actually be…wait for it…SPENCER PRATT. I know, I thought they broke up, too, but apparently Spencer has been calling Brody non-stop for awhile now (perhaps because he knew Bromance was in the works and he, I don’t know, needs a job of some sort?).

I am bothered by this for many reasons:

1. MTV is creating yet another awful reality show with a useless (though, totally adorable) rich kid who is famous for doing absolutely nothing.

2. Spencer will be even more omnipresent than he already is. Which means, more awfully staged photos like these.

3. I actually can’t wait for the show…

4. Bromance has been used for quite some time now and no one told me.

Looks like I’ll be using my free time between The Hills and Bromance to study the Urban Dictionary. I don’t want to miss out on anything when this hit premieres.

But now my excuse is that I watch it for all of you. Don’t be offended; they know that I’m lying.

That and I admit that I prefer the FOL girls to the ROL girls. On ROL they are passive aggressive; FOL is in your face. The one liners are priceless. Like I’m just waiting for the episode during which Shy busts out that one about her stretch marks kicking someone’s ass.

Anyway, the episode starts with Sinceer with the sixhead revealing that she’s a “drunk ho” and I’m excited simply at the thought of a drunk in the house.

Big Rick delivers the Flav-O-Gram announcing the challenge for the day. The girls have to be nurses and cure Flav’s broken heart. Oh, God, why?

The ladies take an hour to get ready and in the midst of my fears that some of them actually brought the appropriate outfits and accessories with them, Rayna starts wigging out about someone stealing her perfume. She confronts Bee-Ex in the kitchen and my house favorite is born when Bee-Ex replies, “I don’t smell like you; I smell good.”

So who stole Rayna’s perfume? Who could it have been? I don’t care.

It turns out that the culprite was: no one. She was just faking and thinks pulling that was a “hot” move. She and Megan from ROL need to team up to write Dummies for Dummies; it will consist of a bunch of stick figures and angry scribble and lip stick marks from kissing the paper.

So the challenge is actually at a hospital and each girl will meet with Flav separately to treat him for his utterly devastated crushed possibly irreparable broken heart. Three girls will win a group date.

Myammee and her eighthead are first and apparently the cure for a broken heart is – stripping.

Shy is dressed like a fake kung fu master and just as it looks like she’s going to beat him up, she mounts Flav. I would have preferred you throwing some punches, girl.

This only marks the beginning of a series of girls who follow suit. I didn’t need to see any of that.

When Sinceer’s turn comes, I want her to be wasted but sadly for me and for Flav, she is sober. She gave Flav a bear and a shirt and totally misspelled his name on whatever is printed across the shirt that he will never never wear.

Seezinz also misspells Flav’s name on her gift to him and he’s pretty annoyed at both of these crappy gifts. My spell check and I will refrain from making an official comment about misspelling anything.

Vanilla Ice sets up a dart board with New York’s face as the bulls-eye, which is actually pretty clever considering that she too could have gone the semi-naked route and Flav finds her way to be quite “theraputical.” Indeedly.

El massages Flav’s feet and I don’t understand these chicks on this season – why would any of you want to touch his feet? Or his face a la last episode? Or anything else (as I cover my ears and rock back and forth because no one touches his penis lalalalalala I can’t hear you)?

Grayvee puts on a fake grill. She spent the whole first episode boasting about her fried chicken making skillz and yet she brought NONE for Flav.

Rayna does some weird Mardi Gras shit, but it’s more voodoo than “theraputical” and completely devoid of breasts, beads or booze.

Hotlanta gives Flav a gift referencing a Public Enemy album and even I am amazed at how thoughtful that is. She may very well be the only woman who’s been on FOL who could actually acknowledge Flav’s musical past and not be talking out of her ass.

And that’s enough of this, the winners of the group date are Myammee, Hotlanta and Vanilla Ice.

Later on that night, Shy and the Twins talk smack outside about Rayna and when she gets wind of this, Rayna calls them punks and the crazy has officially settled in. Punks?

Rayna and one of the twin Things have a pointless confrontation – Rayna’s got to stop with all of this camera time talk. It’s just boring.

The group date is the next day and they are going skydiving, which makes me momentarily jealous that I’m not on the show but then I see Flav’s face and I come to my senses. During the car ride, someone asks Flav what his name means and he says that Flavor means “everything”….so, yeah, thanks for clearing that up.

The 13 remaining girls at the house have Sheryl Lee Ralph as a guest speaker – she’s married to a senator and is an actress as well as a motivational speaker. She’s there to discuss the mess of the previous two seasons, how everyone deserves respect and…does she have any idea where she is? Ralph talks about family – as in how the girls should think of their families before they act…and no one is really going to remember any of what she says five minutes after she walks out of that house.

After Sheryl Lee leaves, the girls decide to play a game of charades in which they imitate each other, which is the best idea ever. Cheryl Lee is a miracle worker. Nothing good can possibly come from this…until someone imitates Sinceer aka Dru N. Kass. And then Sinceer imitates what the girls guess to be “nobody” – and by nobody, Sinceer means Seezinz. Oh, it’s ON.

Elsewhere and 13,000 feet in the air, everyone on the group date is freaked out.

Just jump, you can only drag this out for so long.

Back at the house, Seezinz calls Sinceer “Cling On” (damn, why didn’t I think of that?) and then Seezinz calls her out. Just take it outside. Rayna with a head full of curlers actually tries to stop the two from hitting each other but it’s really all about camera time.

Sinceer says that the girls are jealous because of her personality. Which one? I’m jealous of all of the time that she has to devote to the drink.

Back on the date: they finally jump. God, that looks like fun. Flav pulls the chute too soon and subjects the guy jumping with him to such Flavisms as: “I’m a Pisces”; “I can see Canada”; “F-L-A-V-A kills me.”

On the way home from the date, Vanilla Ice mentions that camera loving Rayna is the talk among the girls in the house. Funny coming from the Radio Personality who said that she didn’t know why she was there, no?

When Flav walks in the house, a bunch of girls are waiting for him and he thinks that Sheryl Lee was successful with the girls and has not a clue of what dramatical shit transpired upon her departure.

Just send three home already.

Seezinz talks to Flav about Sinceer’s non-imitation imitation of her.

Aaannnd just send three home.

Eliminations: is Sinceer drunk? I love the commentary that accompanies the eliminations. Did you really pray so that you wouldn’t get kicked off? I guess I can’t talk since there was a time that the prayer I uttered most often went something like, “Oh, God, please don’t let me be pregnant.”

This has dragged long enough – Flav sends Tik, El and St. Lewis home. Rayna has to stay because the producers said so and because Flav says that she’s hot.

My super early prediction is that Hotlanta and Prancer make it to the finals.

Next time: Flav Restaurant, ice skating and “I’m about to make her shut the f*** up.”

By now, it’s become more than blatantly obvious that many of the shows are scripted with characters who all fit the same few personality descriptions. The process of watching these bimbos battle it out for some hairy neandrathal has become tired and frankly, boring.

So, why have I seen every episode of VH1′s new Bachelor-esque reality TV show Rock of Love? I’ve been trying to answer this question myself. I could care less about the star of the show, Bret Michaels, the lead singer of the 80′s hair band Poison.

He’s not particularly attractive, his band is forgettable, and he seems kind of lame for a rock star. The show seems to depict him as boring- he has no defining characteristics. He’s nice enough to the girls he’s “dating”, but doesn’t show any signs that he may be able to handle an actual relationship.

Every time he appears on the show, he’s either participating in show-sponsered dates, or walking around with a beer in his hand and an uninspired look on his face.

I’ve seen no wild parties, questionable behavior, or daring antics that don’t seem to have been forced on good old Bret. He calls himself a rock star? Maybe Bret should have taken a few lessons from Ozzy Osbourne before he started the show. The man is middle aged, with a wife and kids and at least manages to act completely out of his mind.

Next, the girls picked to compete on Rock of Love are a strange mix. You have a few of the necessary blonde stripper bimbos who play their parts well by exposing themselves, squealing, and instigating catfights within the house.

On the other hand, there are a few characters that I am unable to wrap my mind around. First, there’s Magdalena, whose sole significance is the fact that she is from Poland. She had never heard of Poison or Bret Michaels before appearing on the show.

Next, there is Rodeo- an older (compared to the 20 year old average of the rest of the contestants) southern woman who is generally likeable. She seems to have a backbone and a brain. It seems more realistic for her to haul out and knock Bret unconcious for not picking her right away than for her to be placidly standing by, watching him serial date.

Lastly, there are a number of heavily tattooed/pierced girls. One of these girls is Samantha, a cute blonde girl with so many tattoos, she’s lost count. She connects with Bret, but seems extremely hurt when she comes to the realization that he is dating all of her friends that live in the house. She seems like a sweet girl, but she must have completely missed the point of the show. She also seems to lack the understanding of the nature of a rock star. They like women- lots of women. Even if she wins Rock of Love, it doesn’t mean that Bret Michaels will remain forever faithful.

Besides, it’s a VH1 Celebreality show. If New York and Flava Flav didn’t make it, you probably won’t either.

Through all of this discussion, I still cannot figure out exactly what about Rock of Love compels me to waste hours at a time in front of the television screen. Perhaps, like Flavor of Love, it’s invisible low culture appeal is just plain irresistable.

Whatever the case may be, I’ll be watching to see which girl gets to be Bret’s “Rock of Love” when the painfully dramatic finale inevitably rolls around.

But I made a sojourn to Los Angeles last week, and it’s really true—there are celebrities everywhere out there. And I didn’t react as non-chalantly as I thought I would. Sure, you see them in New York too, but for some reason they seem to blend in more to the everyday population. In LA, maybe it was just me, but they stand out.

I got off the plane, and standing next to me at the baggage claim was none other than Kyle MchLaughin of Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives fame. Him, I wasn’t knocked out over. But still, I had been in town for thirty seconds.

But as I wheeled my cart out of the airport, I saw a scraggly looking man wearing a huge clock. And since there’s only one person in the world that has ever rocked that fashion statement I had to yell “Flava Flav” in that tone that he has everyone mimic. He loved the attention, yelled out “hey baby,” and I was totally grossed out by his appearance. However nasty you think he appears in the TV show, Flav looks even worse in person. I can not believe that he has had all these women vying for his love and affection for two seasons. And that he’s managed to sleep with enough women to have the number of kids he does. Eeeeewwww. Why I felt the need to yell to him, I have no idea. It was like a gut instinct that I couldn’t deny. And I know, I’m a loser.

Throughout the week, I drove by a lot of roaming paparazzi packs, which is quite possibly the most frightening thing I have ever seen. You have no idea how many of them swarm, and yell, and flash, and bait whoever they are chasing. There are so many of them, that all I could ever see was the herd of photographers—and could never tell who they were harassing. Seeing the frenzy almost makes me want to boycott TMZ and other gossip sites just cause I feel so badly for these people. There is nothing normal about it.

One celeb that I did see sans craziness—and did slightly freak out upon spotting—was Ryan Phillippe. Here I am shopping for a new toothbrush and there he is with his absolutely to die for beautiful kids buying some Twizzlers. Now, thought I did knock some stuff off a shelf, I managed to remain relatively calm. I noted how short he is (why are all leading men so tiny?), how beautiful his face is in person, how cut his delicious tank top clad arms were, and how he got even hotter when he picked little Deacon up in his arms. I paid. I went outside. I got in my car. I drove around to the front of the parking lot to watch him walk out, and by my car again. It was all I could do to not whip the disposable camera out of my bag, and hang out the window to take a picture. But a girl’s gotta have some class, right?

Maybe it’s because I haven’t seen a man that has sparked my interest in so long that made Ryan Phillippe so intriguing, I don’t know. I’m embarrassed to admit how excited I was, and how many people I texted immediately upon his departure. What our nation’s obsession with celebrities and their every movement is escapes me, but I’m certainly a part of it. And after how I reacted to these people, it’s probably lucky that I haven’t run into Christian Bale anywhere. I can see a restraining order in my dreams….