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“You Owe Me Like $1000″ FOL 3 Recap: Episode 6

CC Staff — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 17:00:15 +0000

Myammee starts us off where we left off by “stepping it up.” Stepping it up always involves some level of naked. She puts on a bikini and knocks on Flav’s door – but Flav needs to drop a deuce and “set up” for her before letting her into his room. No, for serious.

And setting up means lysoling the room afterward because Myammee tells Flav how good his room smells upon entering. His hair was 8 feet tall when he answered the door and then under a rag after lysoling every inch of his room – did he really poo and do his hair all in that time?

Bunz is on the phone and she’s $100 short for her monthly bills and who’s on the phone with her? She tells Hotlanta about her money woes and I can’t hear any of their conversation because Bunz is smoking the longest cigarette ever.

Now, I can’t quite tell when this goes down – my guess is the next day – but Rayna calls the house. Seezinz answers to hear Rayna all “tell Flav to watch his grill” and “I’m mad at all of them.” Uh – move on? Get a job?

Big Rick calls the girls down for Flav’s “Total Package Contest.” Each girl will pick a name out of a bag or one of Flav Noid hats to determine who will compete in each category; winner keeps on competing and the loser sits on the loser bench. Last one standing wins.

Challenge 1: Class. Oooh, boy. The Things get picked from the hat and they think that they are classier than Hotlanta. I beg to differ. They have to eat pate, foie gras and brains. $3500 worth. Each plate. Thing 1 is gonna eat because she’s the hungriest. Hotlanta pukes. Things win.

Challenge 2: Hotness. Myammee’s chosen and she thinks that she’s hotter than Bunz. They change into bikinis and jump on trampolenes and jump rope because the one with the highest body temperature is the winner. Myammee wins.

Challenge 3: Mothering skills. Seezinz names come out of the crowd and she thinks that she’s a better mother than Prancer. They have to dress a dummie, get him lunch, put on his clock and get him to the bus stop. Prancer can take better care of the dummie and wins it.

Challenge 4: Spirituality. Things get chosen again and they think that they are more spiritual than Myammee. Who is 3/4 naked. Thing 2 leads a bad one minute sermon and they are preaching to the choir – really, a choir. Myammee is silent at first. Silence can be spiritual. But she preaches and the choir sings the verdict. Myammee wins. Can the choir just sing for the rest of the hour?

Challenge 5: Luck. Why is this a challenge? Shy thinks that she’s luckier than Sinceer. They have to play a game of blackjack. Can Sinceer count? Why can’t you ever be the drunk ho that you said you were in episode two? Shy wins.

On the loser bench, Bunz talks about her money issues. Careful what you say…

Challenge 6: Intelligence. Prancer thinks that she’s smarter than Shy. Professor Rhuel/Ruehl has a PhD in some smarty science and he’s going to give a lecture to them and then each girl has to explain his lecture.

Both of them have never watched any of those Carl Sagan cosmos shows because Shy said that in 4.5 billion years that the sun will blow up. Um, no, that’s not how a star dies. Prancer wins.

Challegen 7: Christ, finally. Prancer vs. Myammee for the win. Flav needs a girl to protect his skinny ass. They have to save a blow up Flav from an earthquake. Why is blow up Flav in a pool? Myammee says, “I’d do anything for Flav but I can’t get my hair wet.”

So, yeah, guess you wouldn’t do “anything.” She ends up getting her hair and eyelashes wet – what’s the big deal about the lashes? – but Prancer wins because Myammee is frozen in the water once the hair gets wet. I don’t even understand that enough to make fun of it.

Ring, ring. Some dude tells Shy that Myammee owes him $1000. Like Rayna didn’t set that sh*t up. How would anyone not involved with that show know their Flav names before the show hit the air? Things, why are you the stupid asses who believe all of that?

Bunz gets caught on the phone saying that she wants to go home. Well, go take care of your family, yo.

Prancer and Flav go on a solo date that is so boring that I won’t bother explaining it here. She does tell Flav about the phone call and there’s going to be a Flavestigation.

[America's Best Dance Crew is on right now and I looooov Kaba Modern or however you spell it. I wanna watch them. Instead I'm watching this. On Easter. Good thing that there was a Flav choir on this episode since that is all of the religion that I am actually able to handle]

Prancer and Flav get back to the house and they can hear the banshees screaming. Shy’s freaking out and Seezinz says NOTHING about what she knows. Why is Shy always fighting with the other girls? You are still not New York. Shy’s cousin died after she was threatened once. Um, this guy knows your Flav name. You’re safe. I promise.

Flav sits Shy and some other girls down to get their story but the green mist emanating from Shy’s mouth is destroying him. Ha.

[Flav's hair is braided into horns. It's braided. To form horns. And he paid someone to do that. On purpose. Sorry, I just am trying to wrap my head around all of that]

Sinceer and Things tell Flav that Bunz and Myammee need to go because they aren’t there for Flav. Hellooo – NO ONE is there for Flav. Flav’s not even there for Flav. Christ. Bunz gets questioned by Flav. I like that she’s in a hoochie dress and fuzzy slippers. Bunz says that eveyrone twisted her words and blah blah no one cares about you. OMG, I’m watching this on a holiday.

Flav plans something to allow Myammee to come clean. He gave her a clock of immunity and she cries and tells him about modeling and some website and working for Hooters. How many Hooters employees ended up in this house? He wants the clock back because the call about which she knew nothing doesn’t come up.

Eliminations: Is Flav’s hair green? No. It’s multicolored. And was it just not braided? He’s obviously wearing a wig and Myammee’s dressed like a Solid Gold dancer.

He calls down Bunz – Courtney – and tells her to go home to deal with her kids. Makes sense.

How much longer can the Things be considered one person? Also, Sinceer’s forehead grows with each episode.

It’s down to Shy and Myammee and because she didn’t tell Flav about the call that RAYNA set up, Angela/Myammee is out. Ooooooh, the reunion’s going to be good.

Shy goes down for her clock and Flav tells her that he can’t connect with her because her breath is so stank. Big Rick and I are laughing uncontrollably. I love Big Rick.

Shy takes her dis pretty well though.

Next time: Calendar shoot with Saaphyri and Becky/Buckwild. Also…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

Are You Crying?: Flavor of Love 3 Recap: Episode 3

CC Staff — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 19:30:13 +0000

video.vh1.com


Last time – the girls tried to cure Flav’s “broken” heart.
During this episode, the ladies must split into two teams and their challenge is to create a restaurant, from décor, to name, to food that represents Flav. Grayvee had best make this freaking fried chicken that she went on about in Episode 1.
Each restaurant must have a manager. I don’t know which team is A or B, all I know is that Rayna’s managing one and Grayvee’s managing the other.
While everyone else preps, Rayna and Shy represent their team and Grayvee and Vanilla Ice take the reigns on theirs to go on a field trip and I can’t believe that each team gets $1000 to spend on crap ass decorations. On the way to the props shop, Vanilla Ice spends all of her time on the phone with her radio station, but you have to forgive her after the whole ‘I work in radio and I worked at Hooter’s and I always try to be the best at what I do.’ Sing it, Sister.
A plastic reindeer becomes the focal point of this shopping excursion. Shy wants to buy it but Rayna shuts her down because it’s not elegant and so Vanilla Ice and Grayvee buy it. I don’t even want to know how much that thing even cost.
VH1 somehow convinced Merrill Schindler, a Zagat restaurant critic, to come on and judge. Did they lie to him and tell him that he was appearing on a reputable show?  Wonder if he got there and called his manager and threw a fit? He probably doesn’t have a manager...so never mind.
Anyway, the decorations are up, the food has been cooked and Grayvee’s restaurant is first to be judged. Thing 1 and 2 are the hostesses for Karma Restaurant and Merrill is totally loving the Twinz. They named their restaurant after one of Flav’s kids. He named his kid Karma. Whatever, I don’t even have time to deal with that.
Seezinz is the waitress and Bunz is the head chef. I have no idea what the other girls do; I’ll pretend that one was a sous cheef. The food critic declares that Bunz’s wings are not that great and that her gumbo is too salty for consumption. But Flav likes the New Orleans décor and the random reindeer in the corner, which I too love because it’s all ready for Mardi Gras.
On to Rayna’s restaurant: Hotlanta hostess-es and both men note the classy décor of the restaurant. Flav doesn’t feel like it’s really representative of him. Yeah, I don’t think that you’re classy, either. Speaking of class, Myammee, the waitress, brings out the appetizer – Henny. And she’s not wearing pants.
Surprisingly, Flav isn’t too pleased because his restaurant is supposed to be family friendly and everyone is in lingerie. If the wings are good, Flav, then no one cares. That’s how Hooter’s has built an empire.
Oh and even better – the restaurant is called Flava’s. As in that’s not how you spell his name. You know the food is going to suck, too.
And, I’m right – the food critic won’t eat it. So Prancer brings out dessert to try to save the team and the meal and the individual cheesecakes look awesome. She couldn’t have made it – there wasn’t enough time.
Merrill asks who made the cheesecake and Prancer says, “The Cheesecake Factory.” You freaking rock. You rock. At least the Henny was good.
Time for evaluations: Merrill tells Karma that their wings were bad and that their food was salty. He tells Flava that their food was too heavy to even eat.
Karma’s restaurant wins because they wore pants and had a reindeer, meaning that Grayvee, the manager, wins a solo date and the rest of the team get a solo date.
The solo date is later on that evening and Flav, whose hair is 9 inches high, takes Grayvee to Tony Roma’s for a romantical date. Eating with my hands when I’m trying to impress someone = romantical to the hilt. During the meal, Grayvee reveals her love of pig’s feet and Flav reveals his utter disgust at the mere thought.
During the date, Prancer catches Vanilla Ice on the phone giving an interview to someone at her radio station. That’s it – you’re going home.
The next day = group date. Flav takes Bunz, Thing 1 and 2, Vanilla Ice, Sinceer and Seezinz to an ice rink where they receive a lesson from the super fabulous Scott Stewart. Don’t even google him, I can’t find shit on this guy. VH1 spent all their cash for this episode on Merrill’s appearance, the Henny and the reindeer. Scott teaches the girls jazz hands and I bet that he’s the dude who choreographed Heidi Montag’s atrocious video.
VH1 totally picked this date – Flav doesn’t seem to be able to skate despite his childhood love for the place.
Flav picks Sinceer to skate around alone with him and everyone else talks about her drinking. But she’s not drunk – like ever. What are you all talking about? Sinceer comes back from the Flav skate to “make everyone STFU” but all she does is insult Bunz’s mama, who has some very serious medical issues. Flav is disappointed in Sinceer and her massive forehead and they all go home.
While Flav makes some pre-elimination beats, everyone comes knocking on his door. Shy comes in about something that Rayna said. Rayna goes in and – are you crying? Prancer goes in to tell on Vanilla Ice. Big Rick then fetches Vanilla Ice, who denies any such incident. She admits that Flav wasn’t the main draw to the house but then camera-admits, “If I have to make out with Flav to stay, that’s what I’ll do.” Make your family proud, Vanilla Ice.
Eliminations: two are going home.
The only entertaining part is when Flav makes Sinceer apologize to Bunz – no apology = no clock. Sinceer gives a fakeass apology and then we’re down to Vanilla Ice, Myammee and Rayna.
Flav calls Vanilla Ice down – she thinks that she’s getting a clock, but Flav eliminates her. Her name is Amanda and – are you crying? WHYYYY?
Rayna and Myammee get called down together and Flav sends Rayna home. No surprises tonight. It won’t be remotely exciting until we have a smaller group anyway.
So next time: a challenge. Someone calls someone Fake. Someone insults someone’s mom. And a bunch of words get bleeped out.



More Class Up in the Crib: Flavor of Love 3 Recap: Episode 1
CC Staff — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 21:30:09 +0000
Don’t act like you don’t watch. You are just as guilty as I am and that’s why you’re reading this. That or you really pity my television for constantly being forced to tune into such a brain cell killing show.
You know how the first two seasons of Flavor of Love went down. Hoopz never wanted to be with Flav, never called him after the finale was shot. Delishis has gone on to sell jeans, record an album and she’s married to some dude now.
Flav opens the first episode blaming Delishis for needing a season three and a last VH1 chance at “finding love” when the truth is that Flav wanted a third season. Enjoy this one, y’all; Flav “ain’t doing this again” because VH1 is NOT funding another Flav show once this one wraps.
Let’s get started.
Twenty girls stand outside of the mansion as what appears to be a Presidential Motorcade approaches. Looks like VH1 has stepped up the budget to send Flav out with a bang. So what is the “President of Love” looking for in a woman? In his hope that this season has brought him a different bunch of women, Flav reveals that respect is the key to his heart. Respect for his kids, his crib and for him.
And then we see the free-for-all of screams, bed jumping, and elephant riding (you have to see it to get it) once the contestants enter the house. Oh, God, just name this trashy bunch already and get to it.
Poor Big Rick is back and he herds them all into the room where Flav awaits with nametags and markers. There is a twist for this season – the girls get to choose their own names. It’s Flav’s way of empowering them, yet throughout Flav really just ‘empowers’ himself whenever he doesn’t like what the girls have chosen.
Like there aren’t a bunch of 22 year old interns who randomly choose names during brainstorming sessions. I could offer some names; my friends and I have totally assigned Flav namez to each other.
Anyway, the names are as follows:
Sinceer. Ginormous forehead.
Bunz
Ice. She wanted to be called Vanilla; Flav liked Ice.
Bee-Ex. I can’t even tell you how she got this name, but she certainly didn’t choose it for herself.
Seezinz
El. Totally screwed on the name game here.
Prancer. She chose Vixen. I don’t see why Vixen couldn’t stick.
Tik. She likes the clocks. Flav declares, “She has the buns of a solar eclipse.”
Shy. Flav thought it was appropriate to call her something that she wasn’t. Riiight.
Oh, God. Twins. How? Why? Thing 1 & 2 are their names because someone loves “The Cat in the Hat.”
Q-Tee
St. Lewis
Hotlanta
Grayvee
Rayna
Dymz
Shore-Tee. Flav appropriately described her as having a large under bite. “She wasn’t sexy, but she was short.” Indeed.
Peechee. Also decidedly unsexy. She looks like Kathy Najimi and she’s from the Valley and totally out of place. I want her to stay.
Savanna
Myammee. Her forehead totally tops Sinceer’s. Sevenhead.
My spell check has miraculously not exploded.
The last four or five were chosen by the fans and Flav is clearly displeased with what came out of the internet. Not everyone can have an ass like Dymz. Get over it.
After the naming ceremony, everyone moves onto the mixer where Flav gets to learn about the girls behind the names (Namez?).
It’s pretty boring. Shy already needs to shut up. Vanilla Ice admits to being a radio personality in Detroit and totally ruined everything for herself by saying that she wasn’t sure why she was there. Dymz is studying criminal justice and Flav doesn’t want “fedz in the bedz” – so that’s another one who’s out.
Thing 1 & 2 say that they’ve never participated in a threesome. Good. Don’t start now, okay? Thanks.
Hotlanta and El share Flav time and I hope that they fight so that it will cut through the boredom. This was way more fun to watch the first two seasons.
There’s not fight and we then meet Bunz, who comes out all freak with her freakiness. Toys, girls, animals. I’m lying about animals. Toys are not a big deal, Bunz, get over your not so freaky self.
I’ve decided that Shy wants to be New York. Shut UP, Shy.
The ladies who aren’t with Flav start talking about knowing what they are getting into with Flav and ten kids and then everyone gets loud and I don’t know what’s going on.
I’m bored until Peechee and Savanna tag team Flav and squeeze onto the couch with him. No one has anything to say, they just smile stupidly at a flattened Flav. Prancer saves him from the atomic couch wedgie. Those two are definitely not staying around after tonight.
The girls keep touching Flav’s face and he HATES it. Like I think that he’s going to start smacking hands away and I hope that it happens so that I have something interesting to watch. Please move onto eliminations now.
Shy hates Bee-Ex and tells Flav about it in private. You’ve known her for eight minutes. Calm the eff down; you are NOT New York. Flav brings in Bee-Ex – apparently, this is all about how Bee- Ex doesn’t want kids but she has two sons at home. Did you follow that? If not, don’t worry, it really doesn’t matter.
Grayvee sums up the girls pretty neatly by calling them “Classless hoes.”
Elimination time! Flav descends the stairs looking clownish even for Flav. Is that a faux leopard cape? Did it come with the house? It matches the upstairs carpet; I think that it was the throw rug in his bedroom.
Since I have no attachment to anyone except for Valley Girl Peechee, I don’t care about who’s staying. You know that shit-stirring Shy had to stay because the producers said so. And of course the Twinz had to be kept around so that Flav could pretend that he’ll have another TV threesome (see season one with Hoopz and Pumkin in the shower. Or don’t. It’s gross).
The losers for the evening are:
Short-Tee and her massive under bite
Savanna
Q-Tee
Dymz (because of the criminal justice studies)
Peechee. Her real name is Crista and she’s okay with being eliminated because “God has a purpose for me.” And her name is Crista. I hope that her parents are named Mary and Joe.
Four of the five going home were the internet fan choices. The fans rock, I don’t care about what Flav wants. Peechee would have been awesome in that house.
This season, Flav is trying to step up the class and nothing says class like bringing your ladiez to the most romantical place. Meaning instead of shutting down KFC for a date, Bob’s Big Boy might get a visit. Oh, and “I will f*ck you up with these stretch marks” = “more class up in the crib.”
I have no early predictions. This is already a steaming mess.