What is wrong with this girl?

In light of the recent engagement of mesh-shirt-wearing, Twitter-obsessed Michael Lohan and former Jon Gosselin flame Kate Majors (the chick who quit her job at Star Magazine because she had fallen in love with the deadbeat dad), we are forced to wonder: could Kate Major be in the Guinness Book for World Records for having the worst taste in men on this planet?

We thought so, but then we started thinking and, while sad and seemingly impossible, there are a few women out there who might be digging even deeper in the dung pit of horrible men. And here they are: the only 5 women on earth who have worst taste than Ms. Major.

Britney Spears:
How could we even start a list like this without this woman?  With the exception of Justin Timberlake (and hey, we don’t even know if he’s that awesome as a bf) her dating list has been a train wreck.  I mean, we owe the celebrity of KFed to her alone. And who can forget that time she invited paparazzi Adnan Ghalib to get a first-hand look at her life? Ugh, don’t even get me started on that facial hair. Brava, Britney, brava.

Jessica Simpson:
When she first came on the scene, we loved her as the newlywed to boybander Nick Lachey.  Precious.  But following the end of that marriage, it was stinker after stinker.  John Mayer?  Scum.  Tony Romo?  Engaged less than a year after their two-year relationship ends.  Billy Corgan?  …Weird.

Ashlee Simpson:
I guess when your dad is Joe Simpson you’re pretty much guaranteed to fall for dbags. When we first heard of Jessica’s punky younger sister she was dating Ryan Cabrera.  At the time, this wasn’t so bad, but seriously?  That guy?  We get it, your dad was managing him too, but his hair actually makes me angry.  Now, she’s happily wedded to…Pete Wentz.  Yes, that Pete Wentz, who wears more eyeliner than me, got a tattoo of his friend’s face on himself and has been known to walk around with a paper plate mask on to “fool” the paparazzi.  Good one, dude.  Wah wah.

Sandra Bullock:
Sorry, but home girl has to be on here. Sure, she’s had some pretty great guys in her past (Tate Donovan and Ryan Gosling, just to name some hotness), but her recent dud cancels all that out. From the facial hair to the tats to the whole “I’m secretly a neo-Nazi who likes to bang other women on my office couch,” Jesse James is pretty scumtastic. You know the guy is bad when I’d rather spend a night with Jon Gosselin than spend a minute breathing the same air as this guy.

Anyone Who’s Ever Been on Rock/Flavor of Love: Ok so for at least three seasons, women were falling all over themselves to get with either Bret Michaels or Flava Flav.  Yes, Flava Flav.  An aging rock star with extensions and tattooed eyeliner is pretty bad, but it has to be said, at least at one point Bret Michaels was hot.  Flava Flav looks like a tiny raisin wearing a clock around his neck.  That is like cartoon character status, but for some insane reason, skanks the world over want to be this guy’s lady.  That is the ultimate in bad taste.  Sorry hos, your time is up.

But when I get home from a long day, I’m not looking for shark week. No sirree blog, I’m looking for some other organisms ripping each other apart and basking in the blood. That’s right: I’m looking forward to Reality TV. And, naturally, other crappy shows I can’t stop watching.

Look! Here’s a few!

(5) A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila

GOD this show blows! So why am I glued to the screen?

And why, when ****SPOILER ALERT******!!!!

Tila chose Kristy and Kristy rejected Tila, why, oh, why did I feel so deliciously vindicated–and then so bummed for Tila? Tila, you biznatch, you have a boyfriend and this is totally fake and everyone knows it! So put away your sweet, sweet alligator tears so I can stop feeling bad for you!!

Dammit.

(4) What Not To Wear

It’s the same every week! Literally! For years, the show has followed the same strict formula (ambush, commercial, 360 mirror/wardrobe trashing, commercial, shop alone pathetically, commercial, shop with Stacey and Clinton successfully, commercial, hair and makeup, commercial, show new look to Stacey and Clinton, commercial, show new look to family, and FIN). I mean, there is almost literally no variation. Once in a while, they do twins or something to mix it up–but still within the same mold. HOWEVER: I love this show. My boyfriend says Stacey and Clinton are the worst people he can imagine, but I want them to be my best friends. So. There you go.

(3) Flavor of Love

Flavor Flav, you sly dog. You made it through 3 seasons (3 seasons!!!!!!) until you finally said, frick it, I’m going to be with the latest mother of my latest child! Now that is ballsy.

Brava, Flav. Brava.

(2) The Simpsons

This used to be the best show on television, but, for the past bunch of years, it’s totally sucked. It’s a shell of its former self, with nerds writing it whose only goal is making themselves giggle.

To be fair, it’s been on almost as long as I’ve been alive. STILL! Stop sucking, Simpsons, and start being awesome again!!! I miss you! (And yet I still watch you every Sunday night and get great joy trashing you every Monday. So…yeah.)

(1) The Real World

The classic to kill all classics. I mean, this is a bad show. Right? But…but…it’s been on so long, in so many cities. And…and…I’ve seen them all. And…I–I love it. YOU WIN, REAL WORLD. Now throw me up some Puck and Bri and I can cry myself to sleep.

Other shows may come or go, Real World, but you’re always a woman to me.

Did I miss any?

[Image courtesy of mediaobsessed.com]

First off, the challenge consisted of going up on a bed-like crane structure, above water and battling it out one-on-one with pogo-peg sticks, used to pummel each other in the head and body. Rodeo and Destiny were team captains, making it a huge bitch fest when it came to picking five people for each team to battle each other.

Rodeo’s gold team lost to Destiny’s Green Team, but not after Mr. Boston beat the crap out of Nibblz, claiming that he was so excited to have this “sexual experience” of wrestling a girl in a bed, 50 feet in the air.

My favorite part of the episode however, was when the teams had to pick out the three weakest people and Destiny – being the team captain of the winning team – got to decide who to eliminate, but not before taking out the three weakest players: Nibblz, Toasty and Pumkin, out to a Mexican fiesta lunch.

Toasty and Pumkin – television’s two classiest ladies (the porn star and award winning spitter) formed an alliance before the luncheon to convince Destiny that, because they’re weaker competitors than Nibblz, to keep them in the game and kick Nibblz to the curb. Plus, as Toasty said regarding Nibblz getting her kicked off Flavor of Love for her porn activities, “payback’s a bitch.”

The four girls talked, (drank, obvi), ate and danced, while plotting their scheme to stay in the house. Toasty faked an ankle injury and Pumpkin cried to Destiny about an eating disorder. Nibblz didn’t feed into the game and, just as the others predicted, was sent packin’. Regardless of the way it happened, considering Nibblz was the one to lose the game for them after all her trash talking about kicking Mr. Boston’s ass, she was the right person to send home.

Looking forward to watch next week which starts off with The Entertainer telling dumb-bo Megan to take a hike, bikini and all. Not to mention, the little love triangle between Destiny, – America’s favorite groupie – Heat and The Entertainer.

(picture courtesy of vh1.com)

Let me just comment on a few of the wonderful tidbits of the season premier that reassured viewers that this will be reality at its finest:

Twelve-Pack and Heather. So, Rock of Love’s no.1 craziest bitch is going to get it on with the speedo, spandex wearing drunk who, despite from his abs, is about one tap dance away from being the most sexually confused man on television.

Brandi C. You spray painted your dog pink. PINK. You are not Paris Hilton honey and even she hasn’t stooped to that level yet.

Destiny and The Entertainer???? I don’t know if you watched previews for the season, but it looks like our favorite Bret Michaels groupie shacks up with the oldest pizza delivery boy! This I gotta see.

Megan. Yes, you’re hot as hell from the neck down sweetheart, but please put some clothes on. Have you ever heard less is more?

Hoops. This girl I actually really like. She’s tough, athletic and seems to be smart. However, why introduce us to your live-in boyfriend on the pre-show, only to seemingly play him for “real” this season?

Mr. Boston. A part of me feels bad for this guy; he gets picked on for being the token white, nerdy kid and I think he’s actually just trying to fit in, in some sick, twisted, wear a man-thong around the house all day, sort of way.

Pumkin. ‘Nuff said. Love this bitch. Can’t wait to see the dramazzzz.

Midget Mac. Watching him not get picked made me feel like I was in the school playground, last to get picked for dodgeball again. Maybe they didn’t like him in a speedo? or his attitude perhaps? Your girl is pregnant dude, go home and be responsible.

Toastee. Who wants to put money down that her and someone on the show make a porno? I got 50 bucks on it.

Whether it’s more men in speedos, cat fights or some nooky nooky, we’re all guaranteed to have a good time tuning in every week to this Reality Razzie Award Winner.

Tune in next week when I Love Money takes trashiness to a whole new level (and I recap it in all it’s horrible, horrible glory).

How do I know? Because I’m really, really looking forward to this.

Yes, you understood that video correctly–there is going to be a show in which reality “stars” from Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, and I Love New York compete for cash (specifically, $250,000). And not the actual stars. It’s going to be the doofuses (doofii?) who competed for the lame stars’ hearts. (Note: New York is not lame. New York is a marvel of nature whose delightful bizarreness I will love for always. Just so’s ya know.)

Annnnyway, let’s take a look at the cast, shall we?

Brandi C. from Rock of Love

That weird blonde chick from the first season who kept calling Bret her boyfriend is back for the moolah. Having tried porn after she got off the show (frankly, not surprising), she was ready to jump back on the screen and into our hearts. Wait, did I say hearts? I meant nightmares.

The Entertainer from I Love New York

The crazo who got kicked off the show for living with his parents is back for more. This guy was pretty freaking crazy–there was an episode where he was convinced the house was haunted, so he wouldn’t take off his construction helmet. And I mean; what those two wacko things even have to do with one another I do not know.

Hoopz from Flavor of Love

The first ever (of three, but still) winner of FOL is back to kick some butt. She always seemed kind of dumb to me (and I was pissed when she beat New York [have I mentioned I really like New York?]) but maybe she’ll actually keep the prize this time…

Midget Mac from I Love New York

Yeah, he never had a chance before, but maybe he’ll win this one! MM is a wacky lil’ guy (I can say that! I’m under 5′ myself!), but he’s actually pretty lovable. I hope he wins it for his kids.

Megan from Rock of Love

And *ahem* Beauty and the Geek. Lame. Megan is like my least favorite of all of these people. Not only does she appear to be an idiot, but she also appears to be vindictive, like when she took what’s-her-face’s note off Bret’s door and then copied the idea and lied about the whole thing. She totally sucks, and is totally NOT as cute as she seems to think. Therefore, I hope she gets kicked off first.

Nibblz from Flavor of Love

I actually had to look this one up. And then, unfortunately, I remembered. Nibblz is the bisexual stripper who showed Flav’s friends her boob. Also, she was gross and has a weird lisp. But, okay, good luck, Nibblz. Let’s see what you got.

Real from I Love New York

Real was third place on season 1. He was Chance’s brother (who New York obviously should have chosen–I’m sure, New York! But I’m glad you ended up with Tailor Made after season 2!) and actually seemed almost like a normal person. For this reason, I doubt he’ll last long, but, still, gotta root for the nice guy.

Chance from I Love New York

Like I said, shoulda won season 1! But, whatever. Chance should be awesome on this show. He’s got a weird attitude and temper, but he’s actually really funny, which is appealing in a sea of bland reality-show-wannabes. Plus I think he’ll put it into his music with Real, which is just fun and cool. Come on, Chance!

12 Pack from I Love New York

The male stripper who drank more than everyone combined and who then went off and started a touring party boy thing with Heat (his lover? just speculation on my part) is back. His face is nice, but personally, I find his freako muscles really frightening. But, you know, except for the frat boy machismo thing, he was pretty enjoyable to watch. Here’s to hoping he will be again.

Heat from I Love New York

I thought Heat was really hot (no pun intended), but it turned out he kind of had no personality. Maybe his function is this show is to make out with 12 Pack and set the show on its head when they all fight about whether or not that makes them gay.

Destiny from Rock of Love

She was kind of a groupie with a bad attitude, but, then again, her dad was very ill, so I’m going to give her a little bit of a pass and try to see her with fresh eyes this time around. Maybe she’ll throw a drink in someone’s face again. That was kind of funny.

Heather from Rock of Love

I don’t know why, but Heather was kind of the breakout star of ROL. I mean, at first she seemed like a manbot junkie for Lacey, but then she realized Lacey was evil and kind of had a righteous moment. I don’t know. I’m conflicted. But everyone else seems to love her, and she is kind of tough as sh*t, so maybe she’ll be cool.

Mr. Boston from I Love New York

He’s a gross nose-picking geek with the worst voice you can imagine (no, even worse), but New York really liked him for a while. I don’t like him, but I appreciate that he’s not a complete idiot. Maybe he’ll finally triumph. However, in the meantime, I’ll be needing earplugs.

Pumkin from Flavor of Love

Pumkin is so wild she got kicked off of Charm School for being slutty. She spit on New York (boooo), but she’s pretty funny, so I’m excited to see her back again. I mean, yeah, she’s gross, but she’s amusing. So bring it, Pumkin–let’s go!

Rodeo from Rock of Love

She’s the 85-year-old who honestly thought Bret would pick her (hint: he ended up picking a 19-year-old…so…yeah). Okay, she’s not 85, but she’s got to be in her 40s, yes? What is she doing on reality TV?! While I’m tempted to say, “get a life, lady,” Rodeo actually didn’t completely suck. Although it is weird that her name is Rodeo. Also, she’s nuts. But, meh. I’ll give ‘er a go.

Whiteboy from I Love New York

He was pretty boring, but maybe he’ll suck less here. I guess he had kind of a stoic thing going. I just can’t imagine him competing very hard. Hell, I can’t imagine him doing much. Because he’s boring.

And last, but certainly not least,

Tastee from Flavor of Love

Yeaaaah, boiiiii!!!! Tastee! Too slutty for Flav! And that’s saying something! She got kicked off for being a porn star. And she seemed so tiny and quiet! And yet somehow completely untrustworthy…didn’t she cause a fight or something? I forget. Anyway, Tastee! Psyched to have you back!

I know this is going to be the worst show ever. But I also know that I will watch it. And I know many, many other people will as well. And that’s how I know society as a whole has failed.

Thoughts?!

[Image courtesy of http://mbmfiles.com/]

Ugh.

So for this episode, the parents are set to arrive and the ladies have to clean.

Seezinz discovered a toilet clogged with Hotlanta drunk puke – it had been there for days so Black and Seezinz clean the stank. I wanna die just thinking about it yet somehow I feel like this is going to be the highlight of the show.

First in are T2’s parents. I’m surprised T1 didn’t show up, too. Flav has his hair done in those braid horns again.

Next, Sinceer’s dad arrives. He’s wearing a hat – is he hiding his klingon forehead? He asks for a beer and we’re probably going to see where Sinceer gets that personality of hers.

Seezinz parents come in and they start questioning Flav. “Why do you wear a clock?” “What are you intentions?” “What you planning from this moment forward with our daughter?” Uh, do they know that this isn’t for real dating? “How many seasons have you done this?” Well, then you should know. “You don’t need to have sex to find love.” Really, Mama Seezinz? Flav and I disagree.

Flav takes Sinceer, T2 and Co. to go bowling. I hate bowling. T2 is surprisingly good at it and Sinceer feels jealous. Ew, don’t make out with anyone in front of their parents.

Next date is with Seezinz and her family and a solo Black to go mini golfing. I hate mini golfing worse than I hate bowling. Why do I even care about where they go?

Post date, T2’s mom comes at her with the “can you stand on your own” and don’t be friends with anyone or something like that. I was too busy shopping to really care. But I guess that Sinceer is going to use this against her or whatever.

(Should I get that shirt? That’s really my only concern right now).

Flav wins over Seezinz parents somehow – I guess he seemed charming? – but he is also concerned that no one was there for Black. She told him that her mom was advised by her attorney to not go out there and that her grandparents are too old. But Flav doesn’t care because he thinks that she’s hot and he demonstrates his concern by making out with her. Guess whatever work he did on Seezinz’s parents was for naught after that kiss.

At the end of the day, Flav hosts a family dinner. Who’s gonna get wasted? Flav’s mom joins everyone for dinner. And Sinceer’s dad gets wasted and starts acting a fool. Flav must also be drunk – he wants the girls to go around the table and say something nice about everyone else. Sinceer won’t say anything nice about T2 but she waits to plot some kind of weird revenge.

After dinner and some inspirational Mama Flav talk (it was inspiration to the girls on the est, right?), Sinceer tells Flav that T2 is dependent and not strong enough for him. Flav talks to T2 about it and then she goes up to confront she-Worf.

Eliminations: God, this episode is boring. Let’s just cut to it:

T2 goes home and the other three are going to Paris.

Is the next episode the finale? Do I want this shirt instead?

I guess that I should make a prediction, even though I’ve been wrong every time I’ve made one for this show.

I say Black will win it. What say you?

Flav starts the day by telling the girls that he wants them to star in a FOL 3 calendar. Oh, no.

Buckwild and Saaphyri enter – Flav brought them in because they are entrepreneurs. Buckwild, who, in her words, “dresses like a slot machine” has a clothing line coming out, Saaphyri is coming out with lip chap.

The girls will assist with the calendar and help him figure out who should go home. What that has to do with dressing like a ‘slot’ (heh) or making lip chap is beyond me.

The best picture gets the date. Flav wants to have a sexy calendar that’ll put Playboy out of business. Is Shy giving them posing pointers? Because she watches Tyra?

Seezinz calls a meeting so that everyone can get a solo shot. Hotlanta wants the August bikini shot. Prancer’s going to be the Easter bunny? And she’s doing July? NO, you can’t do every single month.

No one thinks that Shy is hot – neither do I. That would be because Shy reminds me of Eddie Murphy.

[For the record: there are no words to describe the monstrosity of the posing]

Buckwild and Saaphyri arrive on the set and Buckwild says that the girls need to show more skin. Saaphyri says that there needs to be more booty shots. Prancer looks ridiculous dressed as a bunny.

Prancer says to Shy, “Look at your stretch marks.”

Push her in pool, Shy! “I will f*ck you up with these stretch marks” say it!! Say it for me so that one day I may say it, too!

The Things are in the kitchen for November, bent over a roast or something. Is the photographer dying?

Prancer is totally getting in on all of the shots. But she’s not really hot.

Seezinz is starting to sabotage a la Prancer. This is so ridiculous.

Prancer’s shooting February with Seezinz and the house is going to explode again. Flav is there? When did he show up?

And I still feel awful for this photog because he has to shoot three versions of February because the girls think that it’s the most romantic month and eeeeewwwww, the Things are getting way, way, way too close. I don’t care if two girls get together, but when you share DNA, keep those lips AWAY from each other.

Shy is spanking Sinceer which is funny and disturbing but she’s so pissed – I’m surprised that you’re not ripping off her arm.

And this photog should walk out. I can’t even type anything right now, I can hear anything except yelling, bleeping, more yelling, bleeping and the photog awesomely pours himself a drink and says, “That’s a wrap.”

Big Rick calls down the ladies to review the photos with the photog, Buckwild and Saaphyri. Shy, you didn’t win. Go to the dentist.

Prancer looks okay for March but stupid in April. Where did that atrocious bunny costume come from?

There were all sorts of nasty February shots. The Twinz looked bad. Sinceer and Shy look like “amateur night in the strip club.”

Prancer and Seezinz had the ‘best’ February shot, so they win the date with Flav. But did you win anything really?

There’s a fight going on again but I don’t hear it because a Thing is picking her teeth with a fake nail and I can’t get the image out of my head.

Post-challege, Hotalanta said that her best customers in the strip club never saw her naked. Okay.

Shy is going to the dentist the day of eliminations. Prancer thinks that Shy doesn’t brush her teeth. Get out. I’m sick.

Who are all of these girls calling on the house phone? Do they realize that everyone hears everything? The hunrgrier Thing overhears Hotlanta talking about getting cash out of a guy. I love with people run with nearly no information.

So next day, Prancer and Seezinz need to put on leotards for their date. Does Prancer have those shoes that are also skates? Are you 12?

As soon as they get in the limo Seezinz kisses Flav. Do I want to watch the rest of this date? They are going to do some acrobatics. I’m not going to pay attention to this.

Shy’s at the dentist while they are on the date…THIS I’m interested in. X-rays reveal that she eats a lot of sugar and her teeth won’t last through her late 30s. The dentist tells her what a five year old knows – that she needs to brush and floss twice a day. He also says that a deep cleaning is necessary, some teeth need fillings, she needs a root canal – is VH1 paying for this? She needs THOUSANDS of dollars of work in her mouth and she leaves because she can’t afford it. So VH1 is not funding that. Did you get your teeth cleaned at least, nasty? Go buy a tooth brush.

Back at the house and Shy tells Flav about the dentist with a mint chain around her neck. She’s willing to do anything for Flav. Like brush your teeth?

The Things tell Flav that they overheard Hotlanta talking about her baby daddy and getting money out of him. And she’s got that name tattooed on her neck? What are the Things hiding?

Flav questions Hotlanta and we learn that Jerry is her youngest son’s dad – they broke up in August – was that a month before the taping started?

They are wearing PJs for eliminations. What is it, school spirit week? Is tomorrow crazy hat day?

So Buckwild and Saaphyri tell Flav what they think about the girls. According to them, Hotalanta or Shy needs to go.

Surpringly, Flav likes the PJs. The last two standing are Shy and Hotlanta. I bet Shy and her stank mouth are going home. Annnnndddddd…

I love that Shy’s mouth is inhabited by Cavity Creeps and that’s what’s sending her home.

Her real name is MONALISA. OMG, that’s so amazing, I don’t even know what to say about it.

Buckwild and Saaphyri bust in before the toast because Saaphyri’s bringing in a bunch of girls – why? Because this bunch isn’t hot? Four girls come in and enter the game. Oh, geez, I didn’t need this to go on longer.

Next time: The original season three girls ban together against the new ones.

The next morning, the Things and Sinceer talk about how they are the only real ones left in the house now that Grayvee has been eliminated. Poor thing, Grayvee did seem to be there FOR Flav. Sinceer calls their mission to get the fakes out of the house “Operation Focused.” Haha. Get a drink and start Operation Drunk Ass already.

The challenge for the day: the girls will split into three teams so that they can create a children’s bed time story based on the costumes that they’re given. These costumes are going to be so far from kid friendly. And obviously Flav will bring in children to hear these stories.

What kind of sh*tty parents let their children appear on this show? Actually, who am I kidding – if I had a kid, I’d force them on to this show so that I could witness this mess on the set myself.

Anyway, they have an hour to get this all together and they are split up into the following teams:

Shy, Myamme and Bunz. Bunz tells us in her interview that she will be the narrator because she has two kids and reads to them all of the time and for the first time, I notice that she’s wearing a red pleather halter top. Two kids, huh? You bring them to day care in that?

Next team is made up of Seezinz, Sinceer and Hotlanta. Sinceer wants to talk about drugs and make it “funny.” Yeah, that’s totally funny. Have you started drinking yet?

The last team consists of Prancer, the Things and Bee-Ex. The Things think that they’ll win because they’ll take advantage of Bee-Ex’s acting skillz. Seriously, I don’t think that she can act.

Shy keeps telling Bunz how to narrate – so then why don’t YOU just do it, Shy? They listen to Myammee and to me and switch roles at the last minute. This could be dangerous though because Bunz talks about needing full bottoms. Are you wearing underwear? Oh. No.

The kids arrive and Bee-Ex and Co. are up first to tell the story of “Flav’s Playhouse.” Gross title. Bee-Ex is the slowest. Reader. Ever. But the kids like the Things dressed as a large horse.

Next up, Seezinz and team. Seezinz is the narrator and gives the kids pots and pans to bang as she tells the story of “Mermaid and Two Pirate Sisters”. The props should win the kids over but something under that title will soon be released by Vivid video, I’m sure.

And then Shy comes out. Oh, geez, can you sound any more FAKE? She seems to scare the children. They can probably smell her breath. I don’t even know what happens in the story; all I know is that Bunz is the witch and the kids saw her ass. Total accident, but they were traumatized.

The kids get to choose the winner and they liked Bee-Ex’s team the best because of the Things horse. And then the Bunz Bashing commences. Did she wear underwear? Does it matter? Their story sucked either way.

And then they all really get into it. “You didn’t apologize the right way!” Did someone make a fellatio accusation? Oh, my God, get over it. I went to get something to drink because this is so effing annoying.

I come back to see that Bunz went to Flav and he serves as mediator. WTF? How does Flav become the one who rises above this? Flav tells Myammee and Shy to apologize and then – what the hell is going on? Why can’t this show be 30 minutes long? I still have to watch a date where I get to watch Things vs. Bee-Ex round two.

Anway, Flav pulls out of the fight because of the blow job mess (I totally didn’t even mean to make this sentence happen this way but I love it) and I guess it gets settled because we cut to the next day and the Flav-O-Gram.

For the group date, Prancer, Things and Bee-Ex are going dancing. Don Flavio looks “like a black Ricky Ricardo” and how cool is this date? They’re salsa dancing. Too bad Flav is there.

During their lesson, I notice that Flav’s shoes are the same shade of turquoise as his obnoxious shirt and I wonder where the hell he gets his clothes. Like that must have come from the same clown shop where he gets his other clownish gear.

The Things are dressed identically again. Shouldn’t you two have cut that sh*t out when you were 11?

Anyway, they sit down to lunch and again Bee-Ex is on trial. Can’t you just shut up and eat? Bee-Ex seems like one of the few normal women in the house – leave it alone.

After the date, Flav asks Big Rick to fetch Myammee and Shy. They call Bunz a liar. Then he calls in Bunz and she’s kind of drunk. (Um finally – where the hell is my drunk Sinceer??) Flav calls in Bee-Ex and she admits that her aunt is a stylist for G-Unit and that’s how she’s met celebs. Is that enough, Flav? Just eliminate Thing 2 and bust up that annoying talky alliance. Besides, what do you care? You just had a baby with someone else.

Elimination time!

“Bunz needs and ‘out of order’ sign on her butt.” That’s pretty funny but I hate the person who uttered those words. Hey, Shy, what about your stank MOUTH?

Flav says that he was going to send two people home but that someone came through on the one on one and he’s only sending home one girl. Send home two anyway – make this go faster.

When it’s down to Bunz and Bee-Ex, Flav says Bunz’s name and when she walks down he says, “I only called your name; I didn’t tell you to come get your clock.”

Ohhhh, sick burn!!

She goes back to her place and Flav calls down Bee-Ex and we are shown a clip of Flav on a laptop. The show’s interns have discovered that she was on Oprah as Usher’s biggest fan and went out on a date with him. Damn, you had a date with USHER? There’s no way that you could have ever, EVER wanted to be with Flav after being close to that hotness.

And why don’t the people who put this show together google everyone before this mess starts? Remember that Toasteeee porn debacle? Totally avoidable.

Bunz gets her clock.

Next time: Crazy dudes are calling the house for Myammee. “Hallelujah, Flavor wants a girl who can praise the Lord!” And some other annoyingly unholy sh*t goes down.

On episode 4, the FOL people waste no time introducing the challenge: split into two teams for a Flavorette Roast. Cringe. Each team will be coached by some unfamous comedienne to write jokes about one person from the other team. The winning team gets a date, the master roaster gets the solo date.

Remember the Flav roast on Comedy Central? Snoop saved that mess.

Anyway, team one consists of Shy, the Things, Prancer, Myammee and Sinceer and team two has Bee-Ex, Bunz, Grayvee, Hotlanta and Seezinz.

Team one wants to target Hotlanta. They throw around things like, “Looks like she got ten stomachs”; “monkey hands”; “stripper.” What? Then someone says something about a herpes bump on her lip. Oh. Sh*t.

Team two targets Shy. And again, I hear phrases like “Homey the Clown”; “Bad hands/feet/clothes”; and Hotlanta says – “Periodontal disease”? That’s a super formal word. How does a stripper know about that stuff?

These unfamous coaches seem superfluous (I know fancy words, too, Hotlanta) and then the girls go down to the Improv where Sommore (who might have been at the Flav roast, too) hosts.

The person being roasted has to sit up on stage and I feel badly for Hotlanta before they even start; especially after Shy busts out with the “I want her to cry.”

The audience is full – did these people pay for this? Or did they just donate canned goods for the house?

Sommore calls up Prancer from team one first and calls her Bambi after a ghetto makeover. Sommore just won a new fan.

The ripping on Hotlanta’s not so bad; baby daddies, her waddle, stripper – and then the Things talk about the “herp” on her lip. Flav was laughing and then he heard “herp” and he’s freaked out because he’s scared of bumps. Yo, so am I.

Shy goes up and makes it clear that she’s on this show to because she is desperate for a reality show of her own.

So then team two goes up to roast Shy. Bee-Ex talks about her 42 teeth and stank breath but everyone else on her team is an embarrassment. Wow, they suck, each one worse than the previous one. They’re better when not fully scripted. Hotlanta is the worst-izzle. Really. Izzle.

Grayvee is the last to go up and Flav says that her accent is so kuntry that he can’t understand her. Ouch.

When the pain that is listening to team two ends, Flav goes up to ask the audience to choose a winner. Like it’s not obvious that team one took it and that Shy would be the audience’s favorite.

Bee-Ex is pissed. Yeah, you should be; you were the only decent one on your team.

Shy and Flav go on their solo date immediately to the aquarium and Flav’s hair is like 4 feet high. I stop paying attention until I hear something about a shark tank – Shy gets in, Flav gets in and then he gets out because a shark rubs up against him. Fair enough. They eat dinner surrounded by tanks and Flav kisses Shy and confirms that she does indeed have stank breath. When he offered her breath mints, she didn’t seem phased at all. Maybe she embraces her periodontal disease.

So after the date, Hotlanta goes in to see Flav after trying on lingerie and practicing her booty pops in the mirror. I’m so confused by that 45 seconds of the lingerie and booty pop, new lingerie and booty pop, especially since they end up laying down together. Did they edit out the actual booty pop for Flav? And how does someone actually do that with cameras around while living with 45 insane women?

They talk and Flav is distracted by the herp. To be fair, I think that she’s just got a pimple. Flav is all camera-emphatic about ‘getting to the bottom of this.’ Oh, geeze, how?

Next day – group date. I’m so bored. I expected more of a mess and I am dying for the end to come. Flav takes Bee-Ex along for the group date, which is nice for her because she hadn’t been on one yet. The Things are wearing matching clothes. Do they always do that? How have I not noticed this before?

They all go to Raging Waters Water Park. Fun!

Back at the house, Dr. Gene Rubenstein shows up to stick Hotlanta’s herp/pimple with a needle to test it. Ow, ow, ow, OW!!

On the date, when they all sit down for lunch, Flav steps away from the table, probably because the producers told him to, and the Things start telling Bee-Ex that she looks familiar, like they’ve seen her in a club and yeah, shut up, no you haven’t. Bee-Ex says something about her cousin bringing her to an award show. Who cares?

After this date, the Things go up to Flav’s room and that stupid hot tub scene that they’ve showed us 93 times since the show premiered finally happens. They tell Flav that Bee-Ex is in the “entertainment circle” but they are speaking in such vague terms and he’s so distracted, they might as well be admitting to their own herpes.

Bee-Ex comes in to talk to Flav, she admits to having been on “Fear Factor” and I hate the Things for just talking to talk because it’s all bullsh*t. “Fear Factor” doesn’t count.

So then Gravyee shows up with pig’s feet and Flav and I have the same need to puke.

FINALLY we have eliminations.

When it’s down to Hotlanta, Bee-Ex and Grayvee, Flav asks Big Rick for an envelope, which hold the results to Hotlanta’s needle in the herp/pimple. If she’s got a herp, she has to go. Which is ri-effing-diculous. He has NO idea what disease soup is lurking in anyone else’s pants. Plus, he’s Flavor Flav. Has he looked in the mirror?

Anyway, so it’s just a freaking zit and Hotlanta gets her chain.

Grayvee gets sent home for being too kuntry. I’m sure that Yvonne will meet a nice man who shares her love for pig’s feet one day.

Next time: I don’t even care.

But now my excuse is that I watch it for all of you. Don’t be offended; they know that I’m lying.

That and I admit that I prefer the FOL girls to the ROL girls. On ROL they are passive aggressive; FOL is in your face. The one liners are priceless. Like I’m just waiting for the episode during which Shy busts out that one about her stretch marks kicking someone’s ass.

Anyway, the episode starts with Sinceer with the sixhead revealing that she’s a “drunk ho” and I’m excited simply at the thought of a drunk in the house.

Big Rick delivers the Flav-O-Gram announcing the challenge for the day. The girls have to be nurses and cure Flav’s broken heart. Oh, God, why?

The ladies take an hour to get ready and in the midst of my fears that some of them actually brought the appropriate outfits and accessories with them, Rayna starts wigging out about someone stealing her perfume. She confronts Bee-Ex in the kitchen and my house favorite is born when Bee-Ex replies, “I don’t smell like you; I smell good.”

So who stole Rayna’s perfume? Who could it have been? I don’t care.

It turns out that the culprite was: no one. She was just faking and thinks pulling that was a “hot” move. She and Megan from ROL need to team up to write Dummies for Dummies; it will consist of a bunch of stick figures and angry scribble and lip stick marks from kissing the paper.

So the challenge is actually at a hospital and each girl will meet with Flav separately to treat him for his utterly devastated crushed possibly irreparable broken heart. Three girls will win a group date.

Myammee and her eighthead are first and apparently the cure for a broken heart is – stripping.

Shy is dressed like a fake kung fu master and just as it looks like she’s going to beat him up, she mounts Flav. I would have preferred you throwing some punches, girl.

This only marks the beginning of a series of girls who follow suit. I didn’t need to see any of that.

When Sinceer’s turn comes, I want her to be wasted but sadly for me and for Flav, she is sober. She gave Flav a bear and a shirt and totally misspelled his name on whatever is printed across the shirt that he will never never wear.

Seezinz also misspells Flav’s name on her gift to him and he’s pretty annoyed at both of these crappy gifts. My spell check and I will refrain from making an official comment about misspelling anything.

Vanilla Ice sets up a dart board with New York’s face as the bulls-eye, which is actually pretty clever considering that she too could have gone the semi-naked route and Flav finds her way to be quite “theraputical.” Indeedly.

El massages Flav’s feet and I don’t understand these chicks on this season – why would any of you want to touch his feet? Or his face a la last episode? Or anything else (as I cover my ears and rock back and forth because no one touches his penis lalalalalala I can’t hear you)?

Grayvee puts on a fake grill. She spent the whole first episode boasting about her fried chicken making skillz and yet she brought NONE for Flav.

Rayna does some weird Mardi Gras shit, but it’s more voodoo than “theraputical” and completely devoid of breasts, beads or booze.

Hotlanta gives Flav a gift referencing a Public Enemy album and even I am amazed at how thoughtful that is. She may very well be the only woman who’s been on FOL who could actually acknowledge Flav’s musical past and not be talking out of her ass.

And that’s enough of this, the winners of the group date are Myammee, Hotlanta and Vanilla Ice.

Later on that night, Shy and the Twins talk smack outside about Rayna and when she gets wind of this, Rayna calls them punks and the crazy has officially settled in. Punks?

Rayna and one of the twin Things have a pointless confrontation – Rayna’s got to stop with all of this camera time talk. It’s just boring.

The group date is the next day and they are going skydiving, which makes me momentarily jealous that I’m not on the show but then I see Flav’s face and I come to my senses. During the car ride, someone asks Flav what his name means and he says that Flavor means “everything”….so, yeah, thanks for clearing that up.

The 13 remaining girls at the house have Sheryl Lee Ralph as a guest speaker – she’s married to a senator and is an actress as well as a motivational speaker. She’s there to discuss the mess of the previous two seasons, how everyone deserves respect and…does she have any idea where she is? Ralph talks about family – as in how the girls should think of their families before they act…and no one is really going to remember any of what she says five minutes after she walks out of that house.

After Sheryl Lee leaves, the girls decide to play a game of charades in which they imitate each other, which is the best idea ever. Cheryl Lee is a miracle worker. Nothing good can possibly come from this…until someone imitates Sinceer aka Dru N. Kass. And then Sinceer imitates what the girls guess to be “nobody” – and by nobody, Sinceer means Seezinz. Oh, it’s ON.

Elsewhere and 13,000 feet in the air, everyone on the group date is freaked out.

Just jump, you can only drag this out for so long.

Back at the house, Seezinz calls Sinceer “Cling On” (damn, why didn’t I think of that?) and then Seezinz calls her out. Just take it outside. Rayna with a head full of curlers actually tries to stop the two from hitting each other but it’s really all about camera time.

Sinceer says that the girls are jealous because of her personality. Which one? I’m jealous of all of the time that she has to devote to the drink.

Back on the date: they finally jump. God, that looks like fun. Flav pulls the chute too soon and subjects the guy jumping with him to such Flavisms as: “I’m a Pisces”; “I can see Canada”; “F-L-A-V-A kills me.”

On the way home from the date, Vanilla Ice mentions that camera loving Rayna is the talk among the girls in the house. Funny coming from the Radio Personality who said that she didn’t know why she was there, no?

When Flav walks in the house, a bunch of girls are waiting for him and he thinks that Sheryl Lee was successful with the girls and has not a clue of what dramatical shit transpired upon her departure.

Just send three home already.

Seezinz talks to Flav about Sinceer’s non-imitation imitation of her.

Aaannnd just send three home.

Eliminations: is Sinceer drunk? I love the commentary that accompanies the eliminations. Did you really pray so that you wouldn’t get kicked off? I guess I can’t talk since there was a time that the prayer I uttered most often went something like, “Oh, God, please don’t let me be pregnant.”

This has dragged long enough – Flav sends Tik, El and St. Lewis home. Rayna has to stay because the producers said so and because Flav says that she’s hot.

My super early prediction is that Hotlanta and Prancer make it to the finals.

Next time: Flav Restaurant, ice skating and “I’m about to make her shut the f*** up.”