Dear Tuffy Luv,
I am a freshman in college. I have been dating my high school boyfriend for more than a year now. He is everything I ever wanted in a guy and so ideal. He is so nice, patient, and kind. I had even been thinking about marrying him down the road. I could picture us together and I really thought that I loved him.

Recently however, I have been talking with an old fling. He randomly sent me a text awhile back and now it’s getting pretty flirtatious and I am left confused. He knows that I have a boyfriend and I’m not sure that he is even looking for anything serious. I really do like this other guy, but he is in school 10 hours away and wouldn’t be up for a relationship anyway. Is it bad that I am starting to have feelings for fling-boy all over again? Now I’m beginning to think that my boyfriend has stronger feelings for me than I do for him. That isn’t fair, right?

Even worse, when I was out with my boyfriend the other night he told me that I had been acting strange lately and confronted me. I didn’t tell him about this other boy, but basically I explained to him that I was having doubts. He was so kind about it. It made me feel even more horrible. So now I am left with the decision of whether or not to end things with my boyfriend. What do you think I should do? Do doubts mean he isn’t “the one?”

– To stay or not to stay

Dear To stay or not to stay,

BLARGHDLPCZCXL<NFLEWIRQ!#J$EIWRJ

I just–I mean–what I’m trying to say is

BLARGHDLPCZCXL<NFLEWIRQ!#J$EIWRJ

If you could read my mailbox (which you may NOT, by the way), you would find oh so very many of these letters. They read like this:

I have a great guy and I’m crazy about him. But there’s another guy who is seriously not good for me for the following reasons, and now I’m thinking about leaving my current good relationship even though my boyfriend is just so seriously sweet…what should I do?

I repeat: BLARGHDLPCZCXL<NFLEWIRQ!#J$EIWRJ

This is so frustrating to Aunt Tuffy, kids. Can’t you see you’re fools?! CAN’T YOU SEE YOU’RE FOOLS?!?!!?

Look, there are two categories of girls who write this, and I can’t always tell which one is which, so let me explain them hitherto and crap:

(1) The fool who should not date the random guy and who really SHOULD be with this good guy and is maybe just getting cold feet

or

(2) The fool who should not date the random guy but who has lost interest in the good guy and should break off the relationship.

You see, either way, the random guy, in this case the fling from days of old, is not relevant in the equation. He is a symbol, yes? He represents Freedom and The Other and all that kind of fun stuff.

Either way, this guy is almost never of actual interest.

In this case, Hamlet lover, the guy is (1) 10 hours away, (2) someone you barely know, and (3) “WOULDN’T BE UP FOR A RELATIONSHIP ANYWAY.” Do you hear yourself?! This is not a realistic thing. THIS RANDOM DUDE IS NOT A REALISTIC THING.

Now, my guess is that you’ve grown a little bored of your current relationship. You ask if doubts mean he’s not the one. The answer is NO. Everyone has doubts, and everyone has them until the day they die. Nothing is ever for sure, least of all relationships. And every relationship has its ups and downs.

But you’re young, yes? You know, it’s like, you may not WANT to be tied down to one guy for the rest of your life. And I think that’s what’s going on here. So why don’t you fly free, little bird?! Roll around in someone else’s nest. Throw up in someone else’s mouth. I mean, for all I care, you can go sit on someone else’s eggs.

But this guy does sound pretty sweet. So here’s where I need you to think real hard. When your crush on this other guy passes, will you be more than happy to find someone new — or will you want to go back to your boyfriend?

I mean, don’t be a turd, okay? If you leave him only to try and come back, it’s going to make things a whoooooole lot less nice.

I would advise you, bird, to do the following:

STOP talking to the other guy. START talking to your boyfriend. Give it a month. And if after a month of really paying attention to your relationship and having a nice relaxed time with your boyfriend, without talking to or thinking about other guys, if after that you’re still feeling restless, end the relationship.

Get it? Got it? Good.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

[Now that's some tough love. Want some more? Get it, get it.]

After spending ten years with guys named Damien and Chace who lock eyes with a woman across the room, embark on rocky waters, and finally end up in paradise with the one and only person who could make them change their playboy ways, I began to crave a bit of reality in my life.

After all, how many men could there possible be with the “largest piece of manhood she’d ever seen,” who were also rich, gorgeous, and emotionally accessible only to me?

Yeah, it was time for a heaping tablespoon of reality and Jane Green served it to me. Narrated by Tasha, a woman who sleeps with men to overcome her emotional issues Straight Talking “sets the record straight regarding the real world of dating,” and deals with real people and real problems that people who date in real life encounter. Tasha and her three best friends mimic the Sex and the City group, meeting up for weekly get-togethers and dishing on their latest men.  However, their men mirror ones encountered in reality.  They date salesmen and accountants, not professional athletes and sexy policemen.  They stumble upon issues like sexual intimacy and picking between Mr. Right and Mr. So-Hot-It-Hurts.  Their stories mesh together to create a novel that any type of girl can relate to, from thel hook-up-every-night chick to the one saving yourself for marriage gal.

Tasha’s flashbacks on past relationships allow readers to see how even the most seemingly insignificant of men leave a lasting mark on a woman’s outlook towards dating and love, and how even a small three-month relationship can break your heart.  If you have ever felt like crying in the middle of class or stared at your cell phone wondering why somebody hasn’t called you, Green’s characters empathize as they try to outsmart the men who have all the tools to break their hearts.  She looks at heartbreak, friendship, and sex the way that real people do. 

Unlike the romance novels I devoured growing up, real people yell, cry, talk to psychiatrists, and don’t always come out of relationships as good as they began.  However, they grow and learn from them (yes, I’m spouting clichés right here, but love, sex, and marriage are all about being cliché).  This is a great book for those people who enjoy romance novels and a captivating story, but want more depth to their novels than two hot people having sex. All the time. Over and over again.

This book is more than a great summer read; it’s like a best friend who totally gets what you’re going through and is right there to see you through it.

Okay, okay. You found your fling. But classes are about to begin again, and you’ve got to pack up, move out, and put your scholar-face on. What are you going to do about the amazing hottie you picked up over the break?

Well, that all depends. What do you want? What does he want? How much do you really think you click? And by “click,” I do NOT mean another work that ends in “-ck.” Because if you’re going to make it work, you’re going to have to jive beyond the boundaries of physical attraction.

Take into consideration the fact that you’re going to have a college workload, assignments, deadlines, and the usual university-sponsored (or bar-sponsored) social engagements. If he’s in school, he will too. Sure, it was easy to escape when you were both visiting your parents, but what about when you’ve got your uber-fun roommate and a dorm full of friends every night of the week? If you still think he’s worth it, read on.

Next, ask yourself what you want from him. Do you want a boyfriend? Are you willing to be exclusive, even if it’s long distance? Or, do you really just like his company and want to keep him in your life? Depending on the category he falls into, your relationship could go in many different directions. If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, continue.

Before breaching the “Let’s Keep in Touch” convo, see if you can read him. Does he seem like a player, or does he do sweet things for you even though you’re leaving? Do you only have heated holiday sex, or do you actually enjoy each other’s company? If you two are on totally different levels, your idea of how the fling should continue might clash with his idea of how the fling will end. You think he feels the same way? Proceed.

Keep it casual. Don’t put all of you eggs in one basket when you know that long-distance relationships can be difficult. Exchange numbers, emails, Facebook accounts, whatever. The truth is that you probably won’t be able to see each other for a bit, but you can keep in casual contact.

This will simultaneously allow you to see if the relationship is worth hanging on to, and let you get closer to the guy in a friendship-way. Sure, you had crazy sex for a week or two, but let’s face it- it’s not so convenient anymore. You need to decide if you can handle being “just friends” if it means you get to keep him in your life. If you can’t, it was officially a holiday fling.

If you can, there are a number of routes the relationship could take. I fell in love in Europe several years ago, and I am visiting the hunk in a couple of short weeks. Am I excited for his company? Absolutely. Do I hope we can get it on? Definitely. Will I make the first move? Certainly not. I’d much rather keep him in my life than be a forgotten sex toy.

Make your decisions wisely.

The most important rule for finding a fling is to open yourself up to opportunity. Hell, even if you’re stuck in your hometown, you never know if you’ll hit it off with a former high school classmate who grew up (in more ways than one) while away at school. If you are traveling, be outgoing! Talk to the bartenders, the hotel staff, everyone. They can probably give you advice on the hottest hangouts for the locals, and perhaps even introduce you to some of their fine friends. Besides, if things go sour, you can always jet back to school and pretend it never happened.

That said, be spontaneous. What happens in Vegas…. right? If a cute guy compliments you on the street, it’s okay to talk to him. Just be sure you have a friend or authority figure in sight. You can even agree to meet up later, provided it’s in a crowded, well-lit venue. Yes, there are sketchy peeps out there, but there are also plenty of friends you haven’t met yet. Trust your gut, and give it a chance…again, in a crowded, well-lit venue.

Of course, you can always take the reigns and flirt, flirt, flirt. Choose a man in uniform (hey, he’s obvi been through a background check), and ask him for directions, about the city, what kind of underwear he prefers, whatever. At the very least, you’ll get a thrill from saying things you might not whisper to the dude in chem lab. At most, you might find a tour guide… and a makeout partner.

Do be careful, however, before you shack up with someone with stellar sex appeal. If you’re the visitor, you are at the disadvantage; banging the bartender might be a crazy sex story for you, but it might be the norm for him. And while you can leave him behind, any STD’s he might give you will cross any time zone.

It is all cheesy movie marathons, holiday jams, catching up on magazines, and heavy carbs for the next few weeks. No more frozen ears walking to class, IM fighting with the roommate who never does her dishes, or long nights in the freaking library. (Although, I really can’t complain that much; at least I’m not this girl.)

And maybe I can finally get over that dude who is so not into me and have me a little holiday fling. That would be nice.

I do have one thing to worry about, though, and that is what the hell to get my parents. Maybe my dad will want the new Burger King cologne? And maybe some makeup brushes for mom? Definitely not the female condom. Ew.

I could just win that sweet new AT&T Palm Centro and give it to one of them. Wait, I want that one for myself. After all, after a week like mine, I deserve it.

Some women get to have the dreamy, stereotypical first time. The love of your life surprises you with a romantic evening alone and it ends up in the bedroom. He tells you he loves you and all that jazz.

Well, you know what? Some of us would like to forget our first time, and “some of us” includes me. I’m not saying I regret it, but I sure as heck wish I’d put more thought into it and had better judgement.

I was young and stupid, and depressed. I was 16, a junior in high school, and had never been in love. My friends were hooking up and wondering why I’d never been able to have a boyfriend for longer than a week. I was never the “It” girl, I was more of the “one of the guys” girl. I’d never been told I was beautiful by any guy, I’d never been told I love you by anyone besides my parents.

So, my self-esteem really wasn’t all that great when my ex-boyfriend put the moves on me. During a play rehearsal. In a storage closet. And the cherry on top was the fact that after 2 minutes he just got dressed and left. TOTAL D-BAG!!!!!

No romance. No foreplay. No cuddling afterwards. Sooo not the ideal conditions to lose your virginity.

At times I regret the choice, but overall it’s not so bad. It’s a funny story to tell at parties, and it pretty much prepared me for any awkward sex situation that would ever happen again. Basically, it prepared me for the real world. Plus, now that I’m having great sex with a man I love, it makes me appreciate it more. My bad first time ended up helping me in the long run.

I know I’m not alone out here. Any other awkward/bad first time stories?

Depending on the relationship you had with the guy before the hook-up; the scenarios in which you’ll interact after the hook-up; and how much discussion you had before, during, and after the hook-up, the first “reunion” can be totally smooth, or completely cringe-worthy. And, for the record, the first reunion does not include your first words the morning after when both of you are still in bed…naked…and possiby still drunk.

How do you deal? If your first meeting with your last fling falls into one of the following categories, you need to work on your post-play approach.

1. The Awkward Aversion

You don’t know how he feels, and if it means avoiding rejection, you’re fine not knowing. You may respond to his presence by interrupting someone else’s conversation to avoid having to talk to him, fumbling with your phone to appear busy, or simply leaving the room. This will come off as either immature or disinterested. If he does like you and you blatantly ignore him, he’ll think you regret it. Unlike girls who want what they can’t have, guys are more likely to give up if you’ve bruised their ego. If you do like him, I suggest developing a different method.

2. The “Sex? What Sex? We Never Had Sex” Approach

You’re trying to play it cool. Too cool. You smile at him -great!- and follow it with a punch to the shoulder and a “Hey, buddy! Did you catch Monday Night Football last night?” You probably won’t catch his eye for more than a nanosecond, and rapidly come up with small-talk conversation starters because you’re afraid of a lull in the conversation, which may or may not lead to the line, “Should we talk about last Saturday?” You may use this approach if you were comfortable with him before, and afraid that you’ve ruined the friendship (or acquaintanceship) you used to share with the guy. This could be taken two ways: like the aversion approach, your guy could assume that you want to forget about it; on the other hand, you could come off as being too casual in the wake of the hook-up. Perhaps you’ve done this before, and often.

3. The Shameless Strut

You want him to remember what he had, and want it again. Even if you aren’t looking for a relationship, you want the satisfaction of knowing he’s still attracted to the cow after he’s gotten the milk for free. If you anticipate the reunion, you dress up for the occasion. Even if it’s unexpected, you immediately try to be the center of attention and the life of the party, so he can see that along with your hot looks you’ve got a great personality. Perhaps you’ll even place yourself in the middle of a passionate conversation with another guy, just so the recent fling will see what a hot commodity you are. But this isn’t the best idea; like the “We never had sex” approach, this can make you look like you bedhop more often than a European backpacker.

4. The Far-Too-Forward Front

He obviously wanted you on Saturday, so why should he feel differently on Monday? As soon as he enters the room, you’re glued to his side, cracking inside jokes that you shared last weekend (well, inside jokes to you, but neurotically minimal details to him). You find flirty ways to touch him, and don’t let him get a word in edgewise with any other girl in the room. This move immediately raises a red flag, because even if he was interested in moving into a relationship, he’s now seeing the next few months flash before his eyes, and it involves a clingy, controlling girlfriend. It’s the moment when you brush his hair out of his eyes and call him a brand new nickname that he realizes how much he loves being single.

5. The Fatal Attraction Fiasco

Your first meeting with him since - you know – is an encounter with him and at least one other girl. It could be as harmless as him tutoring a girl from his English class, or talking to a few old female friends around a keg. Maybe he’s simply holding a door for a stranger who happens to possess two X-chromosomes. No matter how innocent, it triggers some sort of jealous rage that prompts you to bitch him out, call him a player, and basically look like a complete psycho. Do I need to explain why this is going to put him off?

It can be difficult to play your cards right the first time you bump into a former fling, especially if you have your own doubts about the way you left things when you said goodbye. The best thing to do is be yourself, and try to read his own body language. If you want to talk about what happened, approach the subject honestly, and at the right moment. You don’t want to call him out in front of your friends, but you also don’t want to corner him and put him on the spot to evaluate all of his feelings for you.

If you play it cool, you have a far better chance of getting what you what (if it’s him that you want), and if things don’t work out, good news: you’re young, you’re single, and you’re on a college campus with thousands of other cuties to choose from.

Join CollegeCandy’s Facebook group for more relationship (or not so much) stories and advice! 

You might be able to laugh off some of these poor decisions, but in other cases, you might reap the consequences, especially if your fling affects the people around you. Here are some awkward hook up scenarios that you may just wish to avoid in the future.

1. Your Best Friend’s Brother.

Usually, you give your best friend all of the deets regarding your trysts, and she listens, and laughs, and offers advice when necessary. No can do when you’ve crossed the line into sibling snogging. Your best friend doesn’t want to picture her brother in any type of sexual situation. If the hook up turns into something more, congratulations, but you’re still not going to be able to share certain details, because the guy won’t want you gossiping to his sister, and your friend won’t want to hear it. Dating the brother might also strain your friendship, depending on whether your friend resents your decision.

If things go sour with the brother and you remain friends with your BFF, you’re bound to run into him in the future. Another thing to keep in mind is that if things go sour, your friend will probably side with her bro, because blood is thicker than the those vodka tonics you guys share at the bar.

2. One of Your Brother’s Friends

Just like your BFF’s brother is off-limits, your brother’s friends are also risky business. Your brother certainly doesn’t want to imagine you hooking up any more than you do, and he certainly doesn’t want to hear any “locker room” talk among the boys once the rest of his crew finds out about your promiscuous ways.

3. A Co-Worker

Getting it on with someone from the office is up for debate. I have plenty of friends who have hooked up with, or are currently dating someone at work and have figured out a way to balance work and pleasure. Still, tread lightly. A one night stand with a co-worker can easily go awry, and you don’t want to zone out in a meeting because you’re recalling the multiple orgasms from last weekend. Also, if the rumor mill churns out a he-said/she-said account of the fling, you’re going to have to face your colleagues around the water cooler and wonder if they still think of you as a professional. If feeling uncomfortable isn’t enough to turn you off from hooking up, remember that many businesses frown upon inter-office relations, and you could be jeopardizing your job.

4. The Guy You Only Hooked Up With Because the Guy You Wanted Turned You Down

You get decked out for a party with one goal: Hook up with Joe. You get a decent buzz on and walk in on Joe making out with some girl on the sofa in the middle of the party. Feeling rejected, you engage in conversation with Tom, who is more than willing to swap spit with you. The next day, you regret Tom, and Joe changes his Facebook status to “In a Relationship.” Double burn.

If you don’t know the guy, aren’t attracted to him, or don’t have feelings for him at all, you are a thousand times more likely to regret adding his notch to your belt. It will also definitely add to the morning-after “What was I thinking?” factor.

5. Your Strictly Platonic Guy Friend (Until Last Night, That Is)

Can guys and girls be close on a strictly platonic level, or are feelings bound to be stirred up by one or both parties? Not only can hooking up with your best guy friend change your relationship forever, but it can also be disappointing.

Case in point: I was super close with a guy in college, and everyone thought we liked each other (we didn’t). The rumors alone weirded out my friend, because he wasn’t sure if he should believe them. We worked through it, and when he transferred, we kept in touch. One summer, I went to visit him, and it was like nothing had changed…until we had sloppy, drunken, mismatched sex later.  I think it happened out of sheer curiosity, and we learned that our naked bodies simply don’t mesh well together.

We said our goodbyes the next day and pretended that it never happened. The end.

6. A Girl. But You’re Straight.

If you want to experiment, college is the perfect time and place. When I was in college, it was the norm to see girls making out at parties or bars, for no reason other than shock value and attention. Then Katy Perry’s runaway smash “I Kissed a Girl” came out and glamorized same sex experimentation.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with same sex relationships, and nothing wrong with experimenting. But making out with your girlfriends can lead to just as excruciating an aftermath as a one-nighter with your guy friend.

Anybody out there have any experiences that fall into any of the above categories? We’d love to hear them, along with any other types of awkward sexual situations that we should all learn to avoid.

[Photo courtesy of thenoyes.com]

From my personal experiences, summer flings can be quite delightful; you get to have three months of non-committed fun, living for the moment.

I spent three months one summer at the beach, where I met a cute, surfer boy who took me to every beach bonfire there was. During the days, we hung out on the beach, basking in the sun and getting to know each other – to a limited extent, as we both acknowledged what would happen at the end of August – and at night we spent time laughing, dancing and enjoying the moment, with an occasional make out or two. Wink. Wink.

At the end of the summer, we said our goodbyes, had our goodbye kiss and exchanged numbers, emails and addresses. I was content with the situation; I knew what we had was a temporary thing and I made peace with that before we even shared our first kiss. He lived in Arizona, I lived in New York; the time zone, let alone the 1,000+ miles between us made me aware of the impossibility of our “magic love” reunion. I think he expected water works; he wanted me to cry and get all mushy at the thought of losing him, but I tried to be adult about the situation. We had fun, but fun was all we’d ever have. We kept in touch for a little while, but eventually it faded to a “how are you” IM once in a while…and now, he’s just a faint memory of a summer well spent.

The best part about a summer fling is how great a time you can have with someone, as long as you are aware of what will happen at the end of the summer. Whether it’s a fun make-out buddy or a three month romp fest, you need to be aware of the consequences: a fling is exactly that, a fling, and if you fall, you will set yourself up to get hurt.

My suggestions ladies and gents is this: if you want a summer fling, be prepared for what it means to make out with or sleep with someone for three months and not wind up with the fairy tale ending. If you can handle that, then by all means, indulge yourself, and give us CC-ers some details while you’re at it.

Have any of you ever had a summer fling? Spill the deets!

Research Psychologists at Northumbria University used computer technology to alter the photos of men’s faces to reflect different stages of facial hair- clean-shaven, light stubble, heavy stubble, light beard and full beard.

The study goes on to state: “In desirability for a short-term relationship, a female preference for male faces with stubble or light beard was found, with clean-shaven and fully bearded faces being the least preferred.” (Editor’s Note: I do love me a 5 o’clock shadow, except when it leaves me with red, irritated skin after a long, steamy makeout sesh.)

Are we biologically programmed to respond favorably to men’s moderate facial hair? Are we socially conditioned to view stubbly guys as ideal mates? Or is this study totally off the rails, using marginal and anecdotal evidence to falsely generalize the preferences of the larger female population?

This study provides some evidence against the so-called rise of the metrosexual, claiming that the moderate manly-man is truly more desirable. But it’s not a black and white issue, and there are so many factors that come into play when accounting for female preferences.

For instance, an individual’s age is a key factor in their evaluation of attractive partners. While a thirty-year-old woman might find a beard a signal of maturity and masculinity, an eighteen-year-old college freshman might find it simply repulsive. And what about how women change? What we find attractive in the opposite sex is much different now than, say, five years ago.

The reason this study bugs me is the marked nature of stereotyping that women want an aggressive and dominant protector. It’s reducing us back to the comical cavewoman, cowering and waiting for a big, strong manly-man to come rescue us. Of course, I might be reading too much into this study- but I really don’t believe the collective attraction of all women can be summed up so cleanly and succinctly. Individual choice and preference is crucial- while your roommate might dig the scrawny, string bean type, maybe you desire meatier men with shaved heads.

In addition, their study reflects on visual attraction alone, but when was the last time you dated someone based purely on their looks? We have all sweated over the gorgeous guy who turns out to be as dumb as a rock, or the average-looking nerdy boy who turns out to be wildly sweet and romantic. Looks don’t tell the whole story- and neither does this study.

What do you think?