So – how are you? I’m probably the last person that you want to hear from but I want you to know that I’ve changed. Please just hear me out.

Before I started college, I remember hearing third and fourth hand stories about crazy roommates (You know those stories – I don’t need to summarize any of them for you). Because of those stories, I went into the dorms worried about the crazy that I might encounter, never once thinking that I could ever BE that storied roommate.

But as it turns out, I was indeed that person. On behalf of the crazies who realize that they were the crazy and the crazies who are still not aware of what their crazy is doing to their roommates, I am truly sorry and I hope that you can accept my/our apology.

Specifically to my freshman year roommates, A. and R., I apologize for coming back to our room in the middle of the night and drunkenly puttering around in the darkness. I truly believed that I was being quiet, but I only realize now that my quiet when I’m drunk equals ‘wake-you-up’ loud to unintoxicated ears.

Thank you for not yelling at me each time that I woke you up; I have a feeling that checking my neck for hickey status distracted you from your anger. Remember that first weekend of school when we knew each other for 37 hours and I came back with a neck full of them and I had no idea until you marched me over to the mirror to see for myself? I guess that started the neck checks, huh?

To R., I’m sorry that I let some random guy sleep in my bed after a fire drill and that A. and I left you alone in the room as you slept. Due to the damage done by the actual fire in the building, he really couldn’t go back to his room. Since A. and I weren’t going back to sleep and we totally knew his first name from going to the parties at Phi Sig, we figured that it would be okay. Thank you for not kicking our asses and somehow laughing it off.

A. and R., I’m sorry that I sexiled you that one time. Serves me right – I totally got none that night. By that point, I’d sucked so much as a roommate that you both washed your bedding just in case I did hit it on your sheets. To clear my name a bit, just because I had like 1000 condoms (half of which were flavored) didn’t mean that I was having that much sex; I won them at condom bingo, I swear.

Also, I’m sorry that I took up half of the closet space and an entire dresser and still complained that I had no clothes to wear. I know that you cared immensely about my wardrobe; you kind of had to – it also was all over the room since I changed twice a day.

To A., I’m sorry that I flirted with every single one of your guy friends when they visited you. I was a full-blown attention whore and I hope that you noticed that when you and T. were dating that I totally steered clear of him.

To my sophomore year roommates, L. and J. – well, I’m not really sorry because I don’t like either one of you, but I do realize the error of my ways. Considering the things that I did to A. and R., I really did try to avoid mixing my room with boys, so I usually wouldn’t come back to the room all weekend. As it turns out, that wasn’t better.

Thank you for lying to my mom and telling her that I was at the gym when she called on Saturday or Sunday mornings.

Also, while I’m pissed that you stopped giving me my messages, I understand the need to unplug the phone before going bed on many nights. Despite the fact that you told your friends that I was sleeping with all of them, clearly I didn’t know many of the guys who were calling if they were using the student directory to get in touch with me.

I give you the same apology regarding the closet space and my clothes. There was no need to change three or four times a day and you both unfortunately fell victim to my bouts of outfit related schizophrenia because my stuff was Ev.Ry.Where.

And by sophomore year, I still hadn’t learned the lesson regarding sound and drunkenness, so I apologize for waking you up at least every other night, stomping on our tiled floor with heels on to find my PJs, to get all of my clothes and books off of the bed and to look for my face wash and hair brush.

To J., I’m sorry that when L. was away one night that after your shower that you were a victim of a surprise sexile. I honestly thought that you were staying at your boyfriend’s dorm that night and it really was the only time that I did anything like that in our room.

I don’t know whose beer it was, but I’m sorry that my study group drank all of it that one time I had them over. I probably should have offered to replace it, huh?

Also, to J., I understand that it wasn’t cool for girls to be friends with me outside of the like three that I had, so thank you for being nice to me when we were alone because it helped me deal with how you acted with L. or anyone else in your group. You called me a lot of things that you thought I never heard; I never told you that your voice carried down the hall and that the few times that I was studying in the dorm I heard everything that you’d said.

My only saving grace with J. and L. was that I knew tons of guys on campus, which meant that if I was being nice that I could get them into all of the cool and sometimes secret parties. Because they must have figured out that I kept the bowls crusted with oatmeal out on my desk only to gross them out. I wasn’t there anyway, so what did I care?

So though my apology to them was tempered with “I didn’t like them anyway”, I do wish that I hadn’t interrupted their sleep so much and that I hadn’t taken over the room in which I barely spent any of my time. I might have actually ended up with a friend or two out of those living arrangements.

In conclusion: I’m not asking you normal roommates to forgive the crazy ones. Just know that they will one day realize the shit that they put your through and whether you’ll know it or not, they will feel badly about it.

Signed,

Melissa “I may have sucked, but you came of it with some cool stories” the Former Shitty Rommate