Dry humping. What the hell is it? And is it just something for sexually inexperienced high school kids? It’s pretty much the act of “getting it on” without actually “getting it on” — sex with clothes on. I’ve heard it called “outercourse,” “non-penetrative sex” and “heavy petting.” I’d go ahead and say that grinding on the dance floor to “Get Low” could even be considered dry-humping.

So on that note, I’m just going to come out and say it: I am a fan of the dry hump. Believe it or not, it is actually possible to climax from dry humping. I can testify. I also know a lot of people who are fans of the clothed horizontal mambo and don’t mind keeping their clothes on for a night. Some may still wonder what the point of it is when you can just get down to business right away, but they may be missing one important “plus” to these frisky moves: foreplay.

As per usual during a weekly girls’ night, we got onto the topic of sex and the importance of foreplay. For the most sexual encounters (minus the “quickies” before work or class), foreplay is definitely important! Slowly building up to an amazing sexual encounter makes that climax even more memorable. It’s not about the destination, but rather the journey, right?

Sex acts such as dry-humping, intense massaging, deep kissing, etc. all matter. They all help lead up (or sometimes don’t depending on your cup of tea) to the big main event: sexual intercourse. These tamer sexual acts work as a slow — but wonderful! — progression to the actual act of having sex. Another way that these obscure sexual activities work to the advantage of us girls is that if it’s our “time of the month” these are all still fair game! “Period Week” does not have to be synonymous with “Blow Job Week,” ladies. Let’s remember that. We’re allowed to get a little lovin’ too!

So lastly, to answer the question of how old is too old to dry-hump? I say you’re never too old! Yes, dry-humping, erotic massaging and hardcore make out sessions are all better alternatives for younger kids who aren’t ready to “go all the way,” but that doesn’t mean that these acts are “too young” for us older folks! Get your dry-hump on!

Katie is finishing up her undergrad at North Central College in Naperville, Illinois. She enjoys wasting hours on Facebook and tweeting things no one cares about. When asked the question, “Do you do marathons?” She promptly responds, “Of course! Which show?” Follow her @KatieGarrity!

This month, Maxim wants to give thanks for leaves crunching under feet, families gathered around large piles of food and gorgeous women who are wearing nothing but footballs. That pretty much narrows being thankful to three things: pleasure, food and sex. Needless to say, I wasn’t surprised.

In the first article spread with a nice blonde girl named Claire (wearing only footballs, duh) and Maxim clawed at an interview with her. After reading the interview, I decided she’s officially ruining every dudes dating habits. Claire says she likes difficult dudes who don’t put her as the top priority of their life. She says her first ideal drink would be drinks and she doesn’t like getting flowers because ugh, not an attention whore! Oh please, go out and admit it already girlfriend. Flowers, constant attention and sober dates where you are waiting for him to grasp your sweaty palm in a movie theater are ALL AWESOME.

In another girl versus Maxim interview, this month’s ‘Maxim Office Assistant’ claims she loves the strong and silent man type. Why? Because the best way for a guy to get her attention is to make serious eye contact and then eventually come over and chat. Wait just a second. I think Alli was bending over too long against the fax machine — a strong and mute young man isn’t going to jump on it for a daring chat session. Sorry. Also, I can’t help noting this article in particular featured a picture of Alli (office assistant) sticking her little lady fist into a fish bowl. The tagline? Fisting Nemo. 

Ugh.

But Halloween is NOT over for Maxim, even in November. In the top sex article this month, they are helping men everywhere become ‘Her Sex Superhero.’ We have a lot to look forward to in November ladies, let’s get a sneak preview!

Maxim Says: Let her know she’s doing a mind blowing job turning you on. A lot of times guys won’t make any noise or response, so let her hear you grunt.

Brittany Says: The first thing I saw after reading this sentence was a giant pig humping a piece of wood. I’m disgusting, aren’t I?

Maxim Says: Get frisky in public. Put your hands down her pants during a movie premier. One girl claims, “He brought me to orgasm right there as the man next to me watched.”

Brittany Says: There we go…force complete strangers to watch you get off in public. I go to a lot of Zac Efron movies — totally inappropriate behavior even for High School Musical!

Maxim Says: Amazing foreplay — the type that sets the stage for her best sex ever — requires a little creativity. Brittany 23, knew she was in for a hot night when a now-ex of hers pulled out a blindfold.

Brittany Says: Key words: now-ex, blindfold.

Guess which show Joe Manganiello from ‘True Blood’ is guest starring

Redefining how we think of foreplay

Best new TV shows for the fall season

Tips for traveling in style

There are better ways to spend $35 million, right?

8 Ways to wear an oversized tee

You can be arrested for charging your phone I guess

What to wear for 4th of July

The pros and cons of being a guys’ girl

The camera mail project

Foreplay doesn’t necessarily have to be a means to an end – what it aims to do is get you and your partner in a sexually charged mood, which in and of itself is incredibly enjoyable. There are so many ways to integrate foreplay into your sexy times. Some of my favorites include:

Sexting.
I know there are tons of horror stories of sexting gone terribly awry – private texts/photos being spread around without your consent, accidentally sexting your parents/exes/bosses, the fact that 12-year-olds engage in it…sexting has cultivated a grotesque reputation, to say the least. But as long as you have a trustworthy partner (and you double-check the recipient box on your phone), sexting is an awesome way to create intimacy and arousal, especially if you plan on getting it on later in the day. Talk about things you can’t wait to do with/to your partner, describe fantasies, even send nudies if you are so inclined (without your face, always).

Making out.
Sometimes it seems like once you’re sexually active, the only thing on the menu is sex. But there is something to be said about some old-school kissing/groping, including putting up the same boundaries you used to (like no crotch contact…at least temporarily). It mentally takes you back to those days when hooking up filled you with butterflies and anticipation of where it lead, which is undeniably hot.

Putting on a show.
Bust out that lingerie, or your favorite t-shirt/panties combo, choose a song that makes you feel gorgeous, and strut your stuff for your boo. I know it could be awkward or uncomfortable, but ultimately, confidence is the only thing you need. As long as you are relaxed and enjoying yourself, you are going to look amazing. Embracing your inner burlesque goddess will give you a sense of control and power. That look of pure lust and awe your partner will inevitably give you will make you feel like you can rule the world. (Who runs the world? Girls.)

Slowing it down.
Sometimes we get into this frenzied frantic rush to get it in and get off. While I appreciate a quality quickie as much as anyone else, one of the most sensual moments in the world is when both you and your partner never want this moment to end, and you’re dedicated to savoring every piece of each other. Spend more time on oral sex, stop the action and give each other massages, take the time to just breathe each other in.

Dear Dude,

I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month, roughly.  He takes me out on actual dates, always wants to hang out, and is fun to talk to. Basically, I’m pretty sure that he’s into me.  The problem is that the few times that we’ve had sex, he hasn’t finished.  We’ll go at it for over an hour and although I’ve enjoyed myself, he won’t orgasm at all!  He always initiates sex and says he enjoys spending time with me, but if he’s sexually attracted to me, then why can’t he finish?  Could it be that I’m really bad in bed?  That he isn’t sexually attracted to me?  It’s an awkward subject to bring up and I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I don’t know how to handle it.

Sincerely,
-Can’t Get Him Off

We all know the movies don’t necessarily contain the most accurate depictions of actual life. Or do we?

Whether we realize it or not, we all pick up subtle things from movies that we expect to find in our actual lives. And while I’m willing to overlook some of the media’s follies (like the fact that people in any foreign country all speak English), some of their depictions of sex are just. so. wrong.

Sex requires a soundtrack.
Sure, some people like to have sex to music and watching couples do it to some big, romantic song in the movies makes us all think music will enhance our orgasms, too. But how many times have you set your iTunes to random and had the Spongebob theme song come on in the middle of your session? Awkward! Sometimes it’s best to leave the music off while you’re getting frisky (unless you’re trying to drown out the noise so your roommates don’t hear). It will still be just as good.

Couples always finish together.
Not only do women orgasm every time they have sex in movies, but they always do it at the exact same time as their partner. Anyone who’s ever had sex in the real world knows this couldn’t be further from the truth for most sexual encounters.

Women never walk around naked after sex.
I don’t know about you girls, but I have never, ever ripped a sheet off of a bed to cover myself when I need to walk around the morning after sex. Nor do I immediately dress myself in my boyfriend’s oversized, button-up shirt.

Sex makes babies, no matter what.
Of course, sex can lead to pregnancy. But the recent barrage of unplanned-pregnancy movies and TV shows (Knocked Up, Juno, Secret Life of the American Teenager) would make you think birth control had never been invented.

Losing your virginity is a really, really, really big deal.
If you’re a female TV character, chances are you spend at least a season deciding if, when, and with whom you lose your virginity. And when you finally do make the choice, you either A. hurt someone you love, B. get pregnant, or C. feel horribly insecure afterward. And if you’re in a slasher movie, your virginity was probably the only thing keeping you alive!

Only beautiful women have sex.
Or husbands, careers, educations, friends, or any type of life worth living, for that matter.

[This story was originally posted by Kylie - Simmons College]

Likey? Don’t worry, there are plenty more faves where this came from.

Inside, once you got past the trying-to-be-sexy Avril pics, was a hilarious small feature on celebs that truly need them some Dr. Drew.  They included Jennifer Aniston (because of her addiction to crappy rom coms), Lebron James (because of his inability to refer to himself in first person), and Barack Obama (because of his chemical dependence on mom pants).  There was also one of those charts, like the ones in J-14 that help you decide which celebopper you’re going to marry, however Maxim’s helps you decide what type of person you are going to hook up with during Thanksgiving.  If you’re interested, I took the quiz.  Apparently I’m going to hook up with my grandmother’s Jamaican nurse.

Also in November’s issue, Bret Michaels was featured in an article telling us how to be a reality star.  Unfortunately, he left out the important stuff like “get a spray tan” and “always cover up forehead acne with a bandanna.”  He did leave us with this gem, though: “At some point you have to forget about the cameras all around you. I had to get drunk.” OHEMGEEEEE, Bret! We’re so synced – just replace “cameras” with “D-Bags and midterms.” 

But even that wasn’t enough to grab my full attention quite like Maxim’s take on giving thanks….to sex.  The article featured a bit about what real girls are most thankful for…in bed. And my oh my, the article seemed pretty right on. Especially the smaller inset article, ‘Thanks, But No Thanks: These Items Make Our List of Sexual Turkeys’ that took a look at the crazy sexy toys people turn to. I hear you loud and clear, Maxim -  some sex toys just aren’t great for play foreplay.

Here’s what I have to say about ‘em:

Maxim Says: Fundies. Just think of the three-legged races you could have in these smushy panties for two.
Brittany Says: Fundies?!  I think a pair of sexy undies is probably better for sexy time than shoving all of your good stuff into one pair of panties with your man.  This reminds me of those three-legged races I hated in middle school.  Hated! I would always trip and embarrass myself in front of my entire class. Looking back, though, at least I wasn’t nearly naked with my partner’s bits flopping around right next to me. Whose ideas was this?!

Maxim Says: Oral Sex Light. Bluetooth headset meets reading lamp in this totally unnecessary sex “toy.” Ironically, can’t help you find your dignity when it’s on.
Brittany Says: This sounds like MTV’s Room Raiders gone all wrong.  The only time I want to see a “oral light” is when my dentist is sticking it in my mouth to make sure I haven’t developed a nasty case of gingivitis.

Maxim Says: Blowup Sheep. If you’re into animals, go for it. But wouldn’t the real thing be better than the silence of this lamb?
Brittany Says: The fact Maxim compared this sex toy to Hannibal Lecter is enough to scare me sh*tless. And the fact that they’re discussing getting down and dirty with a live animal is just too much for words.

Maxim Says: Al Gore’s Sex Scandal.  Charges against him were dropped, but we’re still scarred for life by the idea of Gore exposing his south pole and telling a message therapist, “Take care of this.”
Brittany Says: I don’t understand how anything about Al Gore has to do with sex toys.  Let’s just leave this man to his Global Warming campaign and as far away from the bedroom as possible. Shudder.

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (like, Is there something better out there?!) over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Hey Dude,

So I kind of have this thing where I don’t like to sleep with guys unless I’m in a relationship. Let me preface this by saying I have no problem messing around and hooking up, making out, and so on, with random guys until a relationship comes into the picture. Here’s my problem: after 5 or 10 minutes of hooking up I always end up just bailing on the guy and making some lame excuse to leave. I can’t tell whether or not it’s me just being bored of kissing and frustrated that I wont be having sex, or me being insecure that all he really wants to do is have sex and I know I won’t be giving that to him so what’s the point of continuing to make out? Won’t it just bore him or be a tease?

Is it wrong for me to assume that the guy is only interested in sex and wants me to do more than kissing? What should I do? Should I just stick it out and make out for half an hour or am I just being a tease? Any tips?

–Frustrated with Foreplay

Dear Frustrated with Foreplay,

In the immortal words of Cher, spoken after slapping Nicolas Cage (if only she had done it 10,000 more times since): “Snap out of it!”

Of course the guy wants to do more than just make out. When you’re heating up the couch with a game of tonsil hockey then one or both of you will want to see how far you can go. If you see making out as the only item on the agenda and don’t want to blue ball him or yourself (whatever the female equivalent for blue ball is, little terminology help, ladies?) then stopping is appropriate.

Teasing is a sticky area with a lot of guys. We hate it. We really hate it. Like, Israeli-Palestinian, Yankees-Red Sox, Blair-Georgina hate.  We’d rather have swollen testicles from a David Beckham punt. What you’re doing isn’t really teasing. In fact, it’s merciful compared to some.  If you had your hand down his pants and decided mid-stroke that you needed to go home and feed your cat that would be teasing. Saying goodnight after a few minutes of lip locking is reasonable.

Making out is like trying a sample. You want to see if you’re sexually compatible. If you are and you feel comfortable rounding the bases then swing away. On the other hand, if you like what you’re getting but want to take it slower, then stopping things before they go too far is better for all involved. Of course he could be licking your teeth or trying to swallow your tongue in which case running for the hills sounds appropriate.

There’s no shame in saying no. If you’re scared the guy won’t like you because you won’t go further then maybe that’s a sign he isn’t someone you should go further with. If he’s worth a shot in the sack then he’ll be patient and do the work. Will he be disappointed? Sure. But hey, that’s why there’s porn (and thanks to the internet, FREE porn). So unless he’s blind and handless, calling it early before either one of you gets too hot and bothered to avoid making regrettable decisions sounds pretty sensible to me.

My tip? Go with your gut. When you feel like putting your shirt back on and saving the best for later, do it. On the other end of the spectrum, if the timing feels right and there’s some insurance handy (aka contraception) then go for it! Just be considerate and say goodnight before he gets you off if there’s no plan to return the favor. Because that would be teasing.

XOXO,

Gossip Dude

So starting this week, I’m going to be taking a look at the advice that falls into the “moronic” end of that spectrum. If I can convince even one girl to reconsider whatever’s being professed in her glossy of choice, I’ll sleep a little better at night.

Let’s begin by talking about sex, baby. Everyone who’s seen a drugstore magazine rack knows that the cover of any women’s magazine isn’t complete without some headline like “BETTER BONING: 113 Sex Tips to Rock His World.”

I don’t know what you guys think, but I’m pretty sure those articles always end up containing variations on the same 15 generic sex tips (“Be confident and tell him what you want.” “Send him naughty texts during the day.” Lather, rinse, repeat). But sometimes, instead of being boring and predictable, the pointers end up being flat-out crazypants.

While browsing through Cosmo’s “9 Erotic Tips to Rock Your World—and His,” for example, I came across this tip from one Cricket Richmond, who apparently wrote a book called Secrets of Sizzling Sex in 1994 (although it’s nowhere to be found on Amazon):

“Freeze some grapes in a Ziploc bag. Once they’re ice-cold, put them in your mouth. Then begin oral sex. The temperature and sensation produced by the grapes while you’re giving him oral sex is incredible.”

Um… seriously? This reminds me of the time Cosmo told us that guys are really into girls putting donuts around their disco sticks and then eating them off. Can you imagine how awkward it would be to pause your hook-up to run to your freezer and grab a baggie of cold fruit—let alone how weird your partner-in-crime would think you were for trying to give him head while you had chipmunk cheeks? And doesn’t it seem inevitable that one or more of the grapes would fall out while you were trying to rock his world, creating a slobbery mess/the potential for wine stains on your sheets? I can think of no way that attempting a grape-job wouldn’t end in serious embarrassment for all parties involved.

Later in the article, Cricket also advises girls to use “a new, soft, manual toothbrush” as a sex toy and tells us to try wearing a long strand of pearls in the bedroom, running it along a man’s body and finally wrapping it “around his penis and sort of roll[ing] the individual pearls around and press[ing] them on his skin.” What’s with the props, Cricket? When did good, old-fashioned foreplay become boring? And even more, I’m not so sure my grandmother had penis-wrapping in mind when she shelled out for that string o’ pearls.

While I know that criticizing Cricket’s advice without trying it myself is a little bit of a cop-out, I’m pretty sure that most guys think doing stuff like this while you’re getting busy needlessly complicates what should be a pretty straightforward encounter. Shaking up your routine is all well and good, but there must be a better way to do it than putting a Crest Spinbrush where the sun don’t shine. Here’s some advice that might be a little more useful: most people who try to spice up their sex life by using everyday objects as toys are probably going to end up looking like idiots in the sack.

Thanks a lot, women’s magazines!

Vaginal Dryness
Vaginal dryness is probably the most common cause of painful sex, but it’s also the easiest to deal with. Vaginal dryness can be caused by the pill or antidepressants (both lower libido) or by inadequate arousal. To remedy the problem, indulge in more foreplay before the act (easy enough) and use a water based lubricant.

Vaginal Infection
If pain is severe or you feel itchy and irritated down there, it could be an infection (like of the yeast variety).  If you think you have an infection you should see a doctor. Over-the-counter medicine like Vagisil can help with itching or pain.

Vaginismus
Vaginismus is involuntary tightness of the vagina due to contractions of the pelvic floor muscles. If penetration is regularly painful enough to make it nearly impossible, it’s time to see a doctor. There’s no known cause or quick cure for vaginismus; according to Google Health, “treatment involves extensive therapy that combines education, counseling, and behavioral exercises. Such exercises include pelvic floor muscle contraction and relaxation (Kegel exercises).”

Uterine Problems
If the pain feels like it’s coming from deep in the pelvis, or if you feel like he is bumping into something in there, the pain is likely caused by the uterus. Uterus pain can be caused by fibroid growths, tilting of the uterus, or a prolapsed uterus. Again, you need to see a doctor if this pain is consistent and severe.

All in all, one instance of pain during sex probably isn’t anything you need to worry about, but if sex is consistently painful and adding foreplay and lubrication into your routine don’t help, you should be seeking medical advice. After all, sex should be pleasurable, not punishment (no matter what your Sunday school teacher taught you).