As a serial crush-haver, I know how much it sucks to like someone and have him “friend-zone” you. It happens all too often and I always wish I had realized it before I got so involved. Trust me, it hurts much less if you notice the signs ahead of time. If you know it’s happening sooner rather than later, you’ll have time to move on to the next guy without heartbreak. Think about it like adding a new guy to your repertoire of guy friends.

Here’s a list of ten indicators that you’ve been friend-zoned. Read it. Memorize it. Use it.

initiating the gallery...

Ashley is a freshman at George Washington University and she’s majoring in Overanalyzing Situations and International Affairs. Follow her on twitter @ashleybrooks25

Hi,

I’m a 20 year old girl and I have never had a boyfriend. That’s not to say people haven’t shown interest before — it’s just that I am never attracted to the type of person who usually likes me. The guys I like, though, all friend-zone me. I’m a little confused about how to approach guys. I get along really well with them and hang out with them a lot. I figure, the more I hang out with them — including the ones I like — the better they’ll get to know me, and then maybe they’ll be interested. But usually, they just see me as a friend, or even as “one of the guys.” The alternative is to spend less time with them so they don’t think of me that way, but then won’t the guy I like just forget about me or move on? What’s the right balance for being present?

I just met the guy I currently like a couple months ago. He’s housemates with four guy friends of mine. So I started hanging out at their place and met him. One night, he got my number (overheard me telling someone else) and told me I was cute. So I started flirting a little, being present more often, etc. But I’m just a friend, and now I think he has a new hookup buddy. What to do???

Dear_____ (Don’t be shy next time in creating a cool pseudonym, like, Sarah Walker, or Jenny Burton)

It’s a tricky balance to play it cool versus playing it safe. Cool gets you on the hook up highway but safe leaves you stuck in the friend zone. I wonder though, what if it’s not a matter of how much time you spend with him but what you do in that time?

There’s a difference between being flirty and encouraging. There’s something about your interactions with these guys giving them the impression that either you’re not interested in being more than friends, or that they shouldn’t make the attempt. Since we can’t go over the videotape, it’s a little tough to tell which it is but let’s explore some possibilities.

Being “one of the guys” can make you look like, in their eyes, well, one of the guys. A strong woman with similar interests who can fit right into the pack can be an intimidating approach. Also, for guys, it’s a rare woman that can connect to them and accept them on that level. There’s a trust and comfort built up in that sort of friendship that, because of being free from romantic/sexual expectation, guys feel safe in. Safe enough to not want to change it. On the other hand, they might also just be pussying out. Tough to tell.

What you could do is vary the pattern a little bit. When you hang out with him next time, suggest it be dinner or something a tad more formal, like a date would be. The trick is to show him more sides of you so that he doesn’t end up relegating you into one area of his life. And keeping the flirtation going is good but also, maybe, attempting to follow through a bit with it. Guys often miss subtlety. Being a little bolder in your encouragement, to a degree you’re comfortable with, of course, might also be a path to getting the kind of response you want.

You can’t wait around and you can’t keep things going hoping that he’ll suddenly see you differently one day. Waiting gets old. It doesn’t often get results. Letting him know what you want and don’t want, that’ll get you further along. If you want the dynamics changed, then you try changing them.

Yes you can!

The Dude 2012

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

It’s 8 o’clock on a Friday night. While the majority of campus males are chugging beers and pulling dirty t-shirts out of the hamper, most of us girls are raiding our roommates’ wardrobes.  We’re primping in front of the mirror, doing our hair, applying our make-up, choosing that perfect outfit that will make us appear sexy, but in a “I-don’t try too hard” kind of way.

Then comes the finishing touches: the shoes.

We dig through our closets to find the perfect pair that will compliment our outfits. Having to walk across campus to get to the party, you would think that our eyes would lead us straight to the comfy flats.  But of course this is never the case. We want to make a statement, so instead we choose the high-heeled pumps that may leave us blistered and bruised, but hey, they’re cute. So we limp to the party while cursing our footwear choice. Determined to make the night a success, we dance with the guy who sits behind us in bio. Our toes may feel as if we’re two-stepping on glass, but hey, he’s cute.

After 3 ½ years of college, and many nights like this, I have come to the conclusion that guys are like shoes: we always want the cute ones even though we know they will probably end up hurting us in the end.

Think about it…

Ask Tuffy Luv. You know, unless you’re scared or something. TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m a sophomore in college and I’ve recently started, um, “seeing” this guy. I don’t use “seeing” to coyly imply hooking up. What I mean is, we’ve been going on sort-of dates for the last three weeks and I have NO idea where we are.

Let me back up. The guy, who we’ll call Hunter, plays on the same intramural team as me, and I met him riiiight at the very very end of spring semester last year, where we hit it off, but then parted ways for the summer. I’ve had a mild crush on him since then, but never really had an opportunity to spend time with him since then. Then this semester, I started spending more time partying in his suite, because I’m really good buddies with one of his suite-mates. We always end up gravitating toward each other at these parties and spending hours talking one on one – over all the music and everything. We came up with this goofy plan to line up on opposite ends of campus and race to the middle for a running high five and then get coffee on Monday. Which we did, and it was awesome, and we talked for hours.

So I asked him to a movie… and he said no. That he was busy. Enter, my confusion and insecurity. But that weekend, at yet another party, we ended up staying up until 4 AM, long after the party was over, talking. And he asked me to dinner. So last week, we had dinner after practice — like, sober! Again! It wasn’t just drunken happenstance, we had TWO daytime hang outs over food. And he said we should do it again. And then our team had a cabin trip, and I was kind of hoping something would happen there, but the cabin was so small and full of people it would have been awkward, so we just kind of held hands a little bit and talked more, and he gave me his shirt to keep warm.

So now we have another date and I’m totally at a loss. Hunter is a really smart, funny, gorgeous guy who I’m really into, but I also know that he has never had a girlfriend. And that he’s not the type to make moves, ever, which is part of why he hasn’t had a girlfriend. And it’s not because he’s a player, because he doesn’t fool around with girls either. So do I ask him? How do I even broach the subject without sounding like a crazy person? Am I totally crazy and reading into everything way too much right now? I mean, he asked me to dinner, right? How do I go from sitting around a table talking to kissing/watching movies/snuggling/all the good stuff?

-Afraid of the Friend Zone

Dear Afraid of the Friend Zone,

Ask him what exactly, Friend Zone?!

Giiiiiiiiiirl. If you are even THINKING of asking if he wants to be your boyfriend, you can just forget about that right now.

Sorry, Friend Zone, but I’ma use you as an example now, okay? Okay:

TO ALLLLLL THE GIRLS WHO WRITE IN TO ME ABOUT THIS: Can’t you just be cool?!

Why do we need to ruuuuush things and foooooorce things?! Do you not realize that people have been dating and courting and mating for all of human time?! HELLO!!! LET DATING HAPPEN ORGANICALLY!!!

Okay, back to you, Friend Zone. Honestly, you don’t have a problem here. You have an opportunity. Be a gotdang modern independent woman already, would you?! On this second date, grow some ovaries and KISS the guy goodnight!! This, of course, is assuming he doesn’t kiss you–which he probably will.

Like, this guy is into you. Okay?! He keeps talking to you, and he’s actually asked you out twice now. THINGS ARE PROGRESSING. Why are you pretending they’re not?!

My guess is that you’re used to this bizarre current thing where you have to be BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND before ever even going on a date. RIDICULOUS. Do you hear me, kiddos?! This is a stupidash idea. Just DATE. Okay?! DAAAAAAAAAAAAATE.

Oh, Friend Zone. Aunt Tuffy is sorry. Aunt Tuffy is just tiiiiiiired of hearing from so many people about how the guy they’re dating hasn’t labeled things yet and it’s been almost a whole week.

Basically, Friend Zone, you’re doing just fine. Kid likes you. You like him. You’re going on a second date. Either he kisses you, or you’ll kiss him. If you kiss him, I promise he will kiss you back. And, at that point, it will be clarified for you that the two of you are, in fact, dating casually. And frankly, that’s just the way it should be.

Don’t rush it or you’ll screw it up. Dig?

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

[Want more tough love? Get it.]

Dear Dude,

I’ve got a bit of a dilemma on my hands.  I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve come close, but no guy ever wanted to be more than a fling or something other than a friend. I have, not unlike a recent post to you, been perpetually pushed into the friend zone. Something of a specialty of mine.  I suppose in compliment to me, most guys I’ve hooked up with (I mean PG level hookup only..I’m not the type to go all the way without a relationship) in the past have always wanted to maintain an active friendship with me and are usually making the bigger effort. All the while making it clear they want nothing else.

This has been fine and it’s nice to have guys as close friends I can rely on, and feel wanted by in a respected way.  What becomes a problem is my position as not only a friend, but I tend to become a pseudo-girlfriend without any of the actual benefits or titles thereof.  Time and time again I will befriend a guy, we’ll be close and I somehow become the one he calls every Friday or Saturday night to chat. At one point, one of my best guy friends and I were around each other so much most people assumed we were dating.  Normally I’m happy to have close friendships like this; after all it gives me company too and I appreciate the friendship that’s there.

But every time without fail, no matter how long we’ve been friends, as soon as another girl enters the picture as a potential love interest or relationship everything drops off the map. A guy friend I talked to every week or for ages, all of a sudden I don’t hear from for months. No explanation, no real responses to my messages/texts, nothing. At least two of these cases it’s only me that the guy seems to be ignoring more, not his guy friends.

Maybe I’m a pushover, I shouldn’t be talking to them that much in the first place. I guess I cave when I’m a bit lonely too..but more often because I genuinely enjoy the friendships I have while it’s happening.  In some of these cases I guess I’m holding out hope he’ll eventually want something more with me or even if not, I’ll have a good guy friend I can rely on when we’re both in other relationships.  That never happens and the few times I’ve made the leap to make the first move, the guys have made it clear that they didn’t like me that way.

The worst part is, while I’m in these pseudo-relationships I can’t actually be on my way to finding a real one, because the talking the hangouts happen with every guy and I have no idea how I’m supposed to know the difference between the ones I should and shouldn’t waste my time on… I’m out of angles!

Very stuck here, dude and no idea how to get out of it.  Would appreciate anything you have to offer on this.

Sincerely,
The Temporary Replacement

Dear The Temporary Replacement,

Trust me when I tell you, there’s a flipside of the coin for guys who are in your situation as well.

They’re called The Surrogate Boyfriend.

This is the guy used for company, attention, affection, and to provide a comfort zone as well the almighty ego boost for a single gal. Usually, this gal has just gotten out of a relationship. Does the gal ever want to or think about dating her surrogate? Nope. Does the surrogate usually end up in this position because he has feelings of the non-platonic type for the gal? Yup. Then, the next Mr. Wrong comes into her life and the surrogate is abandoned until another girl needs a “pick me up”. I understand EXACTLY where you’re coming from. And I think I can help you get unstuck from the surrogate station…

First of all, I want to applaud you for doing what most surrogates are almost never able to do: make a move. Most people end up in the friend zone because of fear, wanting to people please, wanting to impress the other person while not having to risk anything and a host of other protective reasons. Well, that passive aggressive approach gets you trapped in the role of BFF. Meanwhile, the bitch who can barely walk from too many tequila shots but has the balls to let him know she wants to f*ck him usually bypasses the months of signals you’ve been dropping and brownie points you’ve been earning by “being there” for him. One need look no further for evidence that the world does not spin on fairness but on action, timing, opportunity, and luck. The hitch in your giddy-up is that you say you have made the move in the past and been turned away. Which I imagine only makes it harder to put yourself out there next time. My advice, make your intentions clear right out of the gate.

Look, there comes a point where we aren’t looking for any more friends. Yeah, don’t burn bridges, everyone deserves a chance, always be civil, blah, blah, blah. That’s not what we’re talking about here. You’re not looking for a friend. You’re looking for something else. Well, then it’s time to break your pattern. DON’T BE HIS FRIEND.

If you meet a guy, let him know you’re interested. Make it clear, make it bold, do whatever you have to do (within common sense and common law) to let the guy know that you’re not just there to keep him company and heal his ego.

If you let it get to the point where he only sees you as a friend, it’s in part because you’ve only presented yourself as a friend. Then you cross the boundaries of friendship but by that time he sees you in only the one way. You’ve got to nip it in the bud from the first time you hang out with a guy.

If he just wants to be friends, then you’ve got to take the risk and say “no.” It’s not closing the door on a guy forever. It’s called “letting him know where you stand.” Which is not in the friend zone. You can still be civil and friendly if you run into each other, or ask him out at a later date but at least he knows you’re not the emotional doormat he can wipe his break-up hang-ups on.

Right now, these guys are using you and you’re using them. Each for different reasons. If you want to be treated differently then you’ve got to act like you want to be treated and you have to treat them differently, too. It takes two to get into this type of relationship. Don’t let yourself be one of them anymore.

You’re not a surrogate. It’s not a position you have to fill to make your CV look more credible. You’ve got wants and needs other than friendship. Make sure the next guy you’re into knows that up front and that that’s what you are looking for. I guarantee you won’t be left hung out to dry three months later.

Acting as your friend,
The Surrogate Dude

[Don't you just love him? Wish you could get more? You can! Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

[Got a Dude itch you just can't scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dearest Dude,

I’ve waited for a second chance with this guy that I’m crazy for. I’d do anything for him and he is amazing. We get along so well. About a year ago, we had a fallout because of my mistake of telling him I love him. I’m back with him, but not romantically. How do I get out of the friend stage the right way this time?

Confusedly,
Crazy

Dear Crazy,

You’re trapped in the friend zone and Mr. Right is behind the glass but you can’t break on through to the other side (did I really just quote The Doors?). This is a predicament I’m tragically familiar with (although it was Ms. Right). I’d love to cook up cleaver quips and dish a little common sense on the side, but this time I’m forced to leave you with a bitter taste…

You can’t force someone to feel something they don’t feel. And it’s never a mistake to let a person know how deeply you care for them.

You have to accept the relationship you’re in, not hinge your happiness on a relationship that doesn’t exist. By wallowing in the masochistic madness of self-doubt, the constant fear of revealing your feelings, and therefore perpetually holding back, you’re not even able to offer everything you can to the friendship. You’re only showing him half (maybe three quarters) of the wonderful person you are and the depth of character you possess.

The boom I’m lowering sucks. No argument. But you have to ask yourself a few questions:

“Do I want to be with someone who I have to manipulate into loving me?”
“Is it fair that I have to hide my feelings in order to have any kind of relationship with him?”
“If he’s ‘the one’ for me, but he doesn’t think I’m ‘the one’ for him, is he really ‘the one’?”

Answers: 1, no. 2, no. 3, no (at least not right now.)

Now I’m not knocking the possibility of friendship blossoming into lifelong love; When Harry Met Sally… has burned that possibility into our brains. And almost every teen romantic comedy is a story about one person chasing the ideal when they belong with the best friend. But this is slice of life, not a sliver of the silver screen.  You asked how you can get a second chance, but from what you said, it sounds like he never even gave you a first.

He doesn’t love you. Not because you’re unworthy but because he’s incapable of loving you. There’s nothing you have to prove to him, there’s only what you feel the need to prove to yourself: that you deserve to be loved. You do. But you have to believe that. You have to start treating yourself fairly. Let your eyes wander elsewhere. Don’t cut yourself off from every other guy by being convinced that they can’t live up to the one who doesn’t want you. You’ll find there is someone worthy of you. And you won’t have to hide any part of yourself to be with him.

With love,
The Dude

Got a question for La Tuff?! You bet your bootie she’s got an answer for you!! Email TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com for a chance to get those things answered!

Dear Tuffy Luv,
This is such a typical question but one that pops up all the time, so here goes:

So this summer, I worked with a guy. Drooled over his good looks (along with all my other co workers) but didn’t really get to know him all that well until the very last week, where we met up for coffee. We talked nonstop for 3 hours and I found myself having a better time than expected! I go to a school in another city, so we’ve been texting occasionally for about…4 months now. We see each other every time I come home, pretty much once a month and always have lots to catch up on. I, to be totally honest, don’t know how I feel about him. On one hand, we have good chemistry and he’s smart, funny and I love spending time with him. On the other, he’s 5 years older (enough to feel a little bit of an age gap), not so much into the concept of love and relationships, and just seems to be in another league than me. He always picks me up from home when we hang out, and has paid for dinner but we haven’t ventured onto the topic of dating at all.

I’m a huge wuss so I almost always never make the first move, but I feel like maybe I should this time. The fear of rejection or me not actually being into him makes our current friendship seem more valuable, but I kind of feel like I owe it to myself to explore every feeling fully. It’ll be another month before I see him again, and I don’t want to slip into the friend zone without deciding that’s what I want. Am I kidding myself if I think that maybe he’s not making a move because he wants to wait until I’m back for the summer? What do you think?

Love,
Mixed Feelings

Dear Mixed Feelings,

I don’t think his friendship is actually worth enough that you should risk missing out on dating him. I mean, you’ve only been talking to him for about 4 months–how important is his friendship, really? I so rarely say this, but, in this case, I think it’s more important to find out if you guys work as a couple than to try to remain bff4ever.

So I say, go for it!! You can do it, girl! You seem like a really cool, gutsy person. I don’t think you’re gonna have a problem.

Here are my only concerns:

(1) I admit that when you said he’s five years older, Aunt Tuffy got a little nervous. You don’t say how old you are, but I’m gonna guess about 19 or 20. That puts him in his mid-20s, which is a REALLY different place in life. You guys might not be looking for the same thing. BUT! I think that’s something you can discuss later, after you’ve decided that you click (if you do, in fact, click).

And, more importantly,

(2) You said he’s “not so much into the concept of love and relationships.” THAT may be a problem. What does that mean? It sounds like something he may have told you. That could mean that he (a) wants to play the field and is warning you not to expect anything serious, or (b) he’s trying to preemptively let you down easy. Tuffy hates to be a downer, but these are real possibilities.

Still, I really do think you should go for it. I think the fact that you guys have so much to talk about is a good sign–isn’t that what relationships are fundamentally about? I’d just hate to see you not pursue this if it might be a really good thing.

Good luck, girl!! Shoot ol’ Tuffy an email and let her know how it goes!

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Hey Dude,

How the heck do you get out of the friend zone? It seems like everyone thinks it is only a problem for guys but girls go through the same problem as well. I have a guy friend for a few years now and I would love for it to be something more. He is a definition of a player and basically can get whoever he wants. He hooks up with so many girls – he even hooked up with my twin sister last week!

The thing is, we have a good friendship – he makes me laugh and I feel like I can tell him anything. We are very flirty, but then again, he flirts with everyone. We have been in situations where we could of hooked up, but he never made a move. He is not friends with many girls. Honestly, I think I am the closest girlfriend he
has. I just really would love to see if I can turn this into something more. Help!!

-Sick of the Friend Zone

Dear Road Kill (Sorry, but that’s a more appropriate title),

Ok, this may sound a little bit harsh, but it’s exactly what you need to hear.

Ready? Here we go.

This situation is kind of like standing in front of an oncoming truck, and making absolutely no effort to move out of the way. Hello? What do you think is going to happen? If this guy had every opportunity to hook up with you because of your looks, your laughs and your personality, and instead he hooked with up with your twin sister?…that, my friend, is called a problem. Yes, it could be because he secretly has a deeper respect, affection, and deeply burning passion for you and you alone, but more than likely he is exactly as you described him: a player.

Women are smart (much smarter than men most of the time), but when it comes to taking your own advice, you’re sometimes about as quick as the Girls Next Door in a biomechanical engineering exam. Listen, you said it loud and clear: he fools around. He hooks up with chicks all the time (and you’re not one of them). He even takes a dip in your personal gene pool, and yet…you’re still considering this guy?

Do me (and every other woman in the world) a giant favor and wise up. If he makes a great friend and you enjoy good times together, keep it as such…but don’t waste your time hoping he’s a diamond in the rough, when he probably is enjoying every second of being rough as hell. Move on to a guy who will love you for you, never go near your sister (or any other member of your family tree for that matter), and can make you laugh while keeping it in his pants. And when in doubt, re-read your question. The answer is right there in your own words.

Walk away.

–Dude

[Got a question for El Dude? Ask it: askthedude@collegecandy.com. He won't sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. He'll be 100% real dude, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]