Qvestion?! Ansver: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I kind of hate my best friend.

It’s not her fault. She’s fine. She’s nice to me. She’s nice to our other friends. I’ve been living with her since Freshman year (we’re Juniors now) and she’s good as a roommate. But I just can’t stand her. She’s just always on my nerves. She complains about everything. I used to think it was funny but now it just brings me down. And if you ever say you like something, she always has to tell you why it isn’t worth liking until you can’t stand it either.

The rest of our friends still hang out with her but only in groups. They don’t come to our room anymore to hang out because she’s always complaining. I get stuck with her because I live with her, and I don’t want to sneak out too much or I think it will hurt her feelings. She’s not a bad person. She’s actually really thougthful and smart. She just really brings me down, and I feel terrible about it. What do I do?

Bad Friend

Dear Bad Friend,

That flooping sucks. There are some people (okay, many people) who just suck all the air out of the room. Some people call them psychic vampires. Those people are annoying too. People who are a bummer but who are otherwise great people are that much more of a bummer. You want them to be the cool person you know they are, but here they come again, dragging everyone down to their complainy depths. And it sucks, because it sounds like you totally like her. She is, after all, your “best friend,” and she’s definitely your roommate.

But you’re in luck, because lil’ ol’ Tuffy actually has a really good idea for you: SET HER UP! No, not for a crime. SHOOOOOOOP. Set her up on a DATE. In other words, find her a guy. Or at the very least, set her on the path to finding a guy.

This is good for several reasons:

(1) She’ll have someone else to complain to.

(2) It frees you up to hang out with your friends who aren’t downers. And

(3) She might actually get happier!!

This is win-win for both of you. Otherwise, I suggest, since she’s your best friend, that you sit down and talk to her about it. After all, maybe she just needs a supportive friend. And, as her bff, that should really be you. By the by, if you think she’s depressed, please help her get some help. Find out about the counseling services at your school and take her there yourself. Be a good friend, but don’t get pulled down in the process!

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Here’s what’s up. I need you to help me. I NEED you to tell me if I’m being crazy (probable) or right (….also probable *sad face*). So a mere 3 weeks ago, I decided to date one of my best friends. We’ve been close friends for 5 years, best friends for 2 of those years, and he’s liked me for 3. HOWEVER, we never dated because, despite caring about him more than anyone ever, I was never sexually attracted to him. But recently I said, “what the fudge?!” and agreed to date him, and on our first night out as bf/gf, I glanced over, we locked eyes, and WHAM. It hit me. I’ve been in love with this dude for 5 years. This was baaaaaad.

Fast-forward 3 weeks and here I am. Wondering if he likes me. I question every little thing he says, or should I say, DOESN’T say. We never talk anymore!! He always apologizes, saying he just doesn’t have anything interesting in his life (understandable. it’s the summer), but I’m afraid there’s something more going on. We sit there for five minutes without saying anything, and while it’s not awkward, it’s torture on my poor soul! He notices this and tries to make me feel better (he even wants us to do read together so we have something to talk about!), but then we’ll slip back into silence.

Not to say our whole relationship is silence. We’ll have little 20 minute spurts of relationship gold where we make jokes, laugh, delight in our amazing chemistry, we hold hands and he talks about how it’ll be when we’re married, but lo and behold: ANOTHER SILENCE AWAITS just around the river bend…….

So am I crazy or has he really lost hope in trying to date me? Is the fact that we’re still together proof that he still likes me? Is he just nervous/out of things to say? Or do I bore HIM?

Help please : (

Love,
Unluckily Lucky.

Dear Unluckily Lucky,

Girl, you have got to chill out.

I’ma take a leap here and say the weirdness you’re noting in him is actually a reaction to the weirdness you’re giving off.

I mean, you sound totally panicked. Like every time you’re with him, all you can think about is whether or not he loves you.

Girl, you have got to cut that shoop out.

You’re clearly making him uncomfortable, because you’re being weirdly overconcerned with how he sees you/your relationship/EVERYTHING. Then HE acts weird, because you’re acting weird, and then you get worried that he’s weird so you act even WEIRDER and suddenly it’s all silence.

So, okay. Here’s what you should remember.

He likes you for YOU. He’s been in love with you for 3 years as YOU, not as some hyper-worried Stepford Girlfriend who wants her man to be PLEASED WITH HER ALL THE TIME.

Take a deep breath, get your you back on, and go be yourself!!!

I promise if you can do that, your relationship will be the awesome thing it’s meant to be.

Maybe you just need to give yourself a little pep talk. Look yourself in the mirror every time you’re about to see him. Lock eyes with your reflection. And say the following five times, slowly, out loud: He likes me for me.

I swear this works. It’s called a mantra. That’s the power of the mind, kids.

So do the mantra, chill, and be yourself. And go have fun with your guy, for crap’s sake!!!

Tuffy Sez: You can do it. Rah and shoop.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have been hanging out with this guy, Jake,  for the last year, we have gotten intimate, but he hasn’t asked me out.  His crazy ex-girlfriend, Alexis, has been “stalking” me on Facebook and sending me messages about him, which he says are not true.

Recently, I went to a party with Jake,  and Alexis was there.  I figured she’d come up to me (like she did at the last party, where she grabbed my head and told me that Jake was all mine if I wanted him), but she did not.  At the end of the night, I went to go say good bye to Jake and saw him and Alexis making out..I literally ran to the bathroom and started crying.  Jake tells me he likes/loves me all the time, but now he goes and runs off with Alexis.  I don’t understand it!

He knows I have feelings for him, but he keeps jerking me around and not asking me out or telling me that he wants to be with me.  We have, for about the past 5 months, not been with anyone else and were seeing each other exclusively.  At this party he and I were both drunk, but Alexis hadn’t drinken anything…I can see where he would maybe talk to other girls because he was drunk but I can’t justify this in my head why he would make out with her.

That night after the party, he said bye to me and I just shook my head at him (with tears in my eyes, I might add).  The next day he texted me saying thanks for coming and everything, and I never texted back.  It was like nothing had happened..like it was just another day.  I love Jake, I really do, and it hurts me to see him “cheating” on me.  I know he loves me too but I don’t know why he would want to go back to Alexis.  And if he does, why doesn’t he tell me this?

Another thing is that I am 22 and have never had a boyfriend before, just flings, and Jake knows this….he is my first love and  he just treated me like I was nothing that night.  Any advice???

Thanks so much,

–Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

Oh, Heartbroken. Ohhhhhhhhh, Heartbroken.

I’m really sorry to tell you this, but he’s probably with Alexis. She’s sending you messages because they’re true. He’s lying because:

HE WANTS TO HAVE HIS CAKE AND EAT YOU TOO.

Jake is a shoophead, okay? He always has been and always will be.

But what the floop are you thinking?! You’re together but he “hasn’t asked [you] out?!”

WHAT DOES THAT MEAAAAAAN?!?!!?!

Honey, baby, sugarhead — he’s using you. One hundred percent. He just wants to hook up.

You really should have known. You know, since he never once said he wanted to be in a relationship with you, or, apparently, even took you out on a date.

Okay, enough. Screw this guy. He wants a crazy ex, let him have a crazy ex.

You are NEVER EVER EVER to speak to this douche again. Yes?

And, PLEASE. Don’t be with someone (or delude yourself into thinking you’re “with” them) when they can’t be bothered to actually be with YOU. Unless you’re out killing baby unicorns or something, you really deserve more. Don’t settle for someone who is going to treat you like this and not care about your feelings at all.

Love and respect yourself, please. Otherwise, how can someone else?

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Goddess of Wisdom, Guardian of Common Sense, Destroyer of BullS***, Tuffy,

Recently my fiance dumped me. Or I dumped him. Or something. I’m not sure. He tried to blackmail me and shame me into doing things I didn’t want to do by threatening to leave me if I didn’t comply so I called his bluff and we went down in flames. And then I found out he cheated on me. But that’s not why I’m emailing you, Tuffy! I’m emailing you about what happened after we broke up.

After the breakup I started toying with the idea of moving 6 hours away to go back to college. I’d quit going because my fiance wanted me to spend more time with him (I know, I know. I was a stupid c**t. But hey. I was barely 19. And stupid. So, sooooooo stupid.) and after 3 years I had the chance to go back. I finally decided to grab a pair and do it when I noticed a startling trend amongst my friends.

I was being ostracized. Excluded. Left out. Sidelined. Even my best friend, who I’ve known since I was 13, had kicked me to the curb. (Self Preservation, I guess. She’s dating my Ex’s BFF.)

So Imagine my surprise when she showed up at my place with another friend of ours who was about to graduate high school. I was kinda surprised, but I took it in stride. We talked a bit and I asked when our friend’s graduation day was and how she was celebrating, but before she could say anything my best friend (who shall henceforth be called Heartless Bitch) interrupted her and said “All of us are going to the beach tomorrow.”

I was excited for about 3 seconds before she said “But you can’t go. [My Ex] is gonna be there.”

Zing! That hurt, but instead of showing it I changed the subject. “How is he? I haven’t spoken to him in a while.”

“Oh, he’s fine. I’m surprised, though. I thought he’d be more of a mess. It was both of you guys first serious relationship. I mean, he lost his virginity to you.”

It was at this point that our mutual friend dropped a bomb on me. “No he didn’t,” she said. “He lost his virginity to a guy.”

I think I must have had a stroke because I couldn’t move or talk. But I could still listen to the two of them argue about it. “No he didn’t. He lost it to her.”

“Dude, he tells everyone like it’s nothing. It’s common knowledge. I thought she knew.” For the record NO, I DID NOT KNOW. Then Heartless Bitch took one look at me and said “Well, we’ve got to go,” and walked out the door.

I didn’t hear from either of them for two weeks. In those two weeks I started packing my crap and prepared to get the hell out of dodge. When she finally did come around, unannounced once again, I politely asked her how her trip to the beach had been. She smiled and said it was great.

“Well I’m glad,” I told her. “I hope you had fun pissing your life away at the beach because my life was flashing before my eyes as I sat in the doctors office waiting to get a God D*** AIDS test.”

Then she had the audacity to ask me why I was mad at her. I’ll cut this part short and just say I ripped her a new one for being a shitty friend but she just kept deflecting, saying I didn’t look surprised and that she was busy with work.

I’m sorry, but if she found out her boyfriend lied to her and slept with another guy I’m pretty effing sure I’d make time to pick up the phone and make sure she was ok.

There are those who say I should forgive them (Heartless Bitch, My Ex, and all those shitty friends who abandoned me because I was too inconvenient for them to deal with) and try to fix things. I think they should get f***ed.

Am I right to keep on stepping and move on or should I forgive them and let bygones be bygones?

Yours,
Blindsided After The Breakup.

Dear Blindsided After The Breakup,

Wow. Your friends blow.

Yeah, go back to college. Do that. That seems wise. Stop wasting your time with these wastes of space.

Not like you even GET to waste your time with them anyway.

So, um, yes. GO BACK TO SCHOOL.

I’d say, knowing you’re moving on and getting your degree (to have a better life, hopefully) and meeting people who don’t suck ash–well, yes. You should forgive them.

But for YOUR sake, NOT for theirs. And don’t even tell them you forgive them.

In fact, don’t tell them you were ever mad at them.

In fact squared, DON’T TELL THEM ANYTHING. Don’t talk to any of these people ever again. Put this flooped up bullshoop behind you and never look back.

Because, honestly, these people don’t deserve any space in your head.

This ex-fiance of yours sounds like just about the biggest tool I can imagine. (Oh wait, no, that’s your “best friend.” But we’ll get to that.) Blackmailing your fiancee?! Manipulate much?!?! And seriously–and this goes for ALL of you all–if anyone tries to force you to choose between them and something that you care about or that will significantly improve your life (like COLLEGE), this person is NOT deserving of your love and is, in fact, deserving of being totally dumped. Controlling individuals like this can also become dangerous so, please, if you spot yourself in this girl’s letter, get out of the relationship, and the sooner the better.

Also: What the hell, supposed best friend?! She KNOWS she’s being a jerk. And then she tries to justify it?! PLEASE. This is one selfish person if I’ve ever seen one. She clearly couldn’t care less about you. Block her on email. Defriend her on Facebook. Don’t get mad–just forgive her in your mind for being a complete waste of a person and then: Never speak to her again. EVER.

These jerks are purposely excluding you and not even trying to be nice about it. Um, they don’t have to invite you to the beach, but it would be nice, if they’re going to mention it, to (1) invite you somewhere ELSE to make up for it, and (2) DON’T TELL YOU CASUALLY THAT YOUR EX MAY HAVE HAD A SIMULTANEOUS RELATIONSHIP.

By the by, I do have to point out one thing. AIDS tests should not come about only when the guy’s had sex with a guy. Please get with the program. AIDS affects everyone who contracts it. It is NOT specific to the gay community. AT ALL. We are ALL at risk if we have unprotected sex. Don’t be a jerk.

But, back to your mostly-sympathetic question: Move on. Don’t bother hating them. Don’t bother anything-ing them. Go back to school and live well.

Besides, karma’s gonna get those mothafloopas. But don’t wait around to see.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Like a little pain? Get more Tough Love right here.

Question?! Answer. Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Confidential to Almost Sexually Active Band Geek: WAIT. He doesn’t mind. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen later–when things work out.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I have been hooking up with a long time friend recently but we have never been anything official. He acts like he likes me, takes me out, says he thinks he is falling in love with me and says how he thinks we should be together. He has quite the playboy/bad boy reputation and for a long time and I couldn’t let myself be anything more than friends with benefits, so I have denied his requests that I be his girlfriend in fear of getting hurt.

I had a change of heart about 2 weeks ago and we had a conversation where we both decided to try and make a relationship work. Nothing really changed, we just gave it a label. However last week, only a few days after we became official, he slept with my best friend. Now things are beyond awkward between said friend and I and my “boyfriend” thinks I am making a big deal about nothing.

I mean floop.
Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Get more Tough Love right here. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I moved for my senior year of high school and at the beginning had a little trouble making friends because it’s a small town, everyone knows everyone, etc. Finally, I did start making some, and one of the first ones was this girl, Peggy. Peggy is one of those people who is overly nice to everyone, so it really wasn’t surprising she was one of the first people to approach me.

So now it’s halfway through the year and I’m still friends with Peggy, except I’ve realized I don’t like her. At all. I found out the reason she’s so nice to everyone is because it’s one of her “Christian Values,” along with being extremely judgmental. She thinks she is a step above everyone else, and it is really getting to me. And now prom is coming up and she’s laid out this whole plan expecting me and whoever I go with to go along with it, and I don’t want to. But at the same time, I don’t want to be completely rude to one of the first friends I had. She isn’t the kind of person I really want in my life, but I put in a lot of time in the friendship earlier on because as a new senior I really wasn’t in a position to turn down friends and she seemed perfectly nice at the time!

So Tuffy, what should I do? Should I confront her or stick it out for the school year? We’re going to different colleges so there wouldn’t be any need to see her again. But if I do stick it out for the year I probably won’t be able to help sending her bad vibes so she might think I’m a jerk either way.

HELP!
Sincerely,
Friends?

Dear Friends?,
Judgmental people are poop, and poop is not to be stepped on.

Look, you’re right. If you don’t do what she wants, she’s gonna think badly of you no matter what. But I like your attitude, girl. You seem like a nice person who wants to clear the toxicity out of her life without hurting anyone’s feelings, and I appreciate that. So let’s get down to the advice.

I wanna say, kiddos, normally we do not run questions about high school. But this is a major problem for us all, yes? Frenemies, after all, has become a really standard part of the popular lexicon. And that’s sad, kiddos. Because we should really only be friends with people we LIKE. At any age, Tuffettes, we must be courteous to others, but REAL and TRUE to ourselves, yes?! STOP BEING FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE YOU DON’T LIKE!! But, if you find yourself in this situation, regardless of your age, here is Tuff’s advice:

First of all, Friends?, you absolutely should NOT do her prom plans. (The rest of you: don’t do her plans, period.) It will totally ruin your time, guaranteed, because you’ll be annoyed at her and resentful that you’re doing things her way and not yours.

Likewise, stop giving her the power to tell you what to do in your everyday life. Next time she tells you what to do (or, as you imply, guilts you into it), explain to her that you totally value your friendship but sometimes you have to do what feels right to you.

If she gives you any of this holier-than-thou shoop, you just tell her you’re sorry but that’s how you feel and she can take it or leave it.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have a friend who is, like, obsessed with me. I don’t know what to do. She calls me all the time and then just wants to talk and talk and I don’t really feel like listening. I mean how many times can I hear about her ex-boyfriend?

Tuffy, to top it all off, she never even asks about me! I mean she calls me all the time you’d think she’d have the common courtesy to at least say hey “what’s going on with you?” It’s really annoying.

I don’t know what to do. This girl has been my friend since elementary school. But now we’re both in college and we live in different cities. But the cities are nearby so I could hang out with her if I wanted to, but the thing is, I don’t want to. It’s really sad because she always calls me (like every week) and I almost never pick up because she bugs the crap out of me. But the thing is, she doesn’t really have any other friends. She makes new friends sometimes, like at school, but she can never keep them very long. Not because she’s mean or anything – just she only talks about herself and I think it gets on people’s nerves.

She’s really nice and she was my friend for years, but she is driving me crazy. If I could, I would just stop being friends with her completely! But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. What should I do?

– Feeling Like a Bad Friend

Dear FLBD,

You’re not a bad friend. SHE’S a bad friend. She sounds freaking annoying.

Look, usually when people can’t keep friends, there’s a reason for it. Sometimes it’s because they’re jerks. But sometimes, as in the case of your “friend,” it’s because they’re completely self-absorbed.

This girl should get a clue. When EVERYONE has the same reaction to  you no matter where you go, it’s probably not them, it’s probably you. In other words: IT’S HER. But, of course, you have history with this girl. I totally get why you don’t want to leave her hanging.

See, this is the thing about self-absorbed people. They are TAKERS. Takers of your energy and of your good nature. They always, always, always look for givers. Givers are the ones who, in spite of not being able to stand their taker, will still listen, still hang out, still give.

Givers are puppies and takers are the ticks.

So before she wears you the floop out, set rules for yourself. Try distancing yourself by responding to her phone messages via email. That way, you limit the amount of energy she can squeeze from you. When you do talk on the phone, set a time limit for yourself. Don’t let her blab at you endlessly. You are allowed to get off the phone whenever you want.

Tuffy would like to say you should just cut her off if she’s bugging you, but, unfortunately, Tuffy too has a soft spot for old friends.

Just spend as little time dealing with her as you can, and when you do deal with her, make sure you do something nice for yourself afterward: go for a walk or eat some chocolate. You know, cool down. If she’s REALLY pissing you off, you REALLY CAN say something. For instance, say: “Do you want to hear my latest news?” or whatever, or, if you’re feeling particularly ballsy, “It hurts my feelings when you don’t even ask about what I’m up to.”

Conversations shouldn’t be one-sided. You are under no obligation to deal with someone who brings you absolutely no pleasure. But, since she is an old friend, you may find that you just need to limit your dealings with her. Making sure you only talk to her once a month (or however long) may keep you from ripping her eyeballs out.

Just don’t let her get to you, okay? She can’ t bother you any more than you let her.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Need some more tough love? Get it all right here.

Question for La Tuff? Send it to TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have found myself in a tough situation. My best friend of three years recently sent me a Facebook message out of the blue telling me that she no longer wishes to be friends or in contact with me. Her reasoning was that being friends with me causes her “too much stress” and she has been thinking about it “for the last two months.” The two examples she gave of me causing her stress were when I got annoyed at her at a party (when she was being rude to the host) and when I got angry at her for, at the last second, choosing to go to a job over helping me move (she had only told me that if I wanted her help, I would have to pay her $200, a statement which I found childish).

Tuffy, these were two small fights that we had already discussed and (I thought) had resolved. I had thought everything was fine up until a week ago, when she stopped contacting me. My mother had even treated us to see a musical in the city the Sunday before! Until now, she had always discussed when she was getting irritated at me; she’s a very frank and open person who has never hesitated to tell me when I’ve said or done something stupid, so I have been completely blown out of the water at this sudden change.

I’ve been very confused and hurt, and it’s been sending me into a depression. I had a lot of problems with depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies when I was younger, and basically had no real friendships until around the time I met her, all of which she has known for years. She told me that I should no longer contact her, and even told our other friends not to tell me about a party she was having (one she had already invited me to, before she stopped contacting me). We had plans to travel abroad over winter vacation and she was going to come to my family’s Thanksgiving (for the 3rd year in a row). Why continue making plans with me if she had been thinking of dropping me as a friend? Why pretend everything was perfectly fine, then drop a bomb on me like this? I’ve never been in such a confusing and hurtful situation like this before, and have no idea where to begin to handle it if she refuses to even speak to me.

-Confused, Hurt, and Betrayed

Dear Confused, Hurt, and Betrayed,

What kind of “BEST FRIEND” sends a FACEBOOK message to end the friendship?! Who she think she is?!

Floop her. Floop her right in the ear. This is a totally ridiculous situation. I mean, I get a lot of emails similar to this one about friendships not working out. But ending things with a best friend via Facebook is a new one for Tuffs.

Okay, let’s back it up.

This girl is a person, right, so she’s allowed to end friendships with whoever she wants. I mean, it’s up to her who she wants to be around. But if you’ve been best friends for years, she owes you more of an explanation. Out of the blue, after making future plans with you, she says, oops, never mind, don’t wanna be near you any more, don’t look at me, don’t contact me, hell, don’t even think about me. That is NOT adult behavior. She should have at least talked it out with you over a coffee or something.

Buuuuut she didn’t. So. There that is.

You know, it’s especially messed up since she knew about your trouble making friends. She knows this will really hurt you, and I bet that’s why she’s doing it this way. For whatever reason, she WANTS to hurt you.

Which, of course, brings us to the part of the answer you DON’T want to hear. I gotta be honest with you, chances are you did something to really piss her off, and it was probably your fault. It’s a pretty major thing to tell your former best friend you don’t even want to have CONTACT. Try to think–is there anything you might have done that offended or upset her?

And, again, you do have trouble making friends. At a certain point, you have to ask yourself: what am I doing wrong and how can I fix it? What keeps you from making friends? Chances are, it’s related to what made this girl throw a Facebook restraining order at you.

Which is not to say this is your fault. Because it’s not. Girl’s a meanybeany. But I think you should let this friendship drop and try to use it as a learning experience to help you meet better friends. Which, by the way, you can only do by being a good friend yourself.

Bottom line: Leave her behind, do a little thinking about what you might have done and what you can do better next time, and move on with your life.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Many of you have already taken this step. You’ve cried sentimental tears or jumped for joy as you packed up boxes and drove away from your home for the past few years. But if you have the pleasure of a quarter or trimester system you, like me, are lucky enough to have a smidgen of time left.

A lot of people have been worrying about the typical things that soon to be grads and recent grads worry about: getting a job, finding an apartment, moving, paying bills, insurance, liver recovery, taxes. I am stressed and concerned about all of these things. But I’m also stressed about some basic issues I haven’t considered until recently, like friendships.

For many grads, we’ll be moving away from the network of friends we’ve created over the past four years. For me, I will be moving clear across the country and my insecurities are rising. All my friendships are about to change and come June 14, I will be in a Long Distance (Best Friend Forever) Relationship.

I’ve met people and created friendships that I never thought I’d make during college. I realize it’s a cliché to stay that “college is the best four years of your life”, but because of the people I’ve met here, I actually believe in it. And now I am afraid of losing all the people and friendships I’ve become so close to.

I know, I know – thanks to the world of social networking I’ll probably know what my friends are doing (in great detail) on a day to day basis. Technology certainly has made life easier for us. Unlike our parents’ generation, we won’t have to deal with separation as much. We won’t have to write letters or track each other down in phone books anymore if we lose touch. We can just Google each other.

But computers and the internet can’t substitute friends. Some critics say that social networking can improve friendships as people feel more connected and involved in other people’s lives. They know each other’s whereabouts and recent activities. But others say social networking is too superficial to create lasting bonds and actually leads to fewer deep friendships. People don’t feel the need to reach out as much and actually continue a friendship with someone because they feel that they already are connected.

And here I am, listening to depressing John Mayer music and sifting through my thousands of college pictures wondering if emails and texts and Facebook updates are going to be enough. I’m nervous and scared and sad about my friendships I made during college and how they will be once it’s over.

Once the geography changes… will the friendships change too?

Are you worried about keeping in touch with friends after college?

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Hey Dude,
My roommate is the type of girl who squeals and obscenely flirts when she runs into a guy she knows, has absolutely no coordination nor common sense, and cannot do a single thing by herself. At the same time, she’s notorious for always having a love interest, or multiple ones at the same time. Also, she admitted that she has a hard time thinking of any guys who are just friends or that she hasn’t had a romantic connection with.

On the other hand, I’ve never dated anyone and every single one of my guy friends has always, from the get-go, been just a friend to me.  All my childhood friends were boys and I do get along better with guys than I do most girls, mostly because of how chill the atmosphere is and there’s no requirement to squeal when I’m excited. I’m a typical guy’s girl–I’m quite content eating take-out/chips and salsa and watching a basketball game with a beer in hand, my favorite movies are action/suspense/comedy movies (aka Bourne, Rambo, Rush Hour..), I don’t expect to be treated like a princess (though I do believe in modern-day chivalry, like holding doors open), I’m happiest when I can joke around and just hang out, and very few things put me in a bad mood.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t do the obscene things guys do (i.e. burping out loud and snot rockets) and I take care of myself, care about the way I look, and carry myself like a typical girl. A lot of my friends tell me I seem really confident and get along really well with guys and even my guy friends routinely ask me if/why I don’t have a boyfriend yet. It’s not like I’m just oblivious to guys who are interested, it’s just that the guys who are interested are guys with whom I would end up emotionally being  ‘the guy’ in the relationship–and the girly side of me wants to date a guy’s guy.  I feel like my one-of-the-guys personality should theoretically work to my advantage, but obviously not and I’m attracting the exact opposite of what I’m interested in.  Is it actually a deterrent? Do the type of guys I’m interested in just naturally gravitate towards girls like my roommate who prefer to girly things and act ‘cute’?

-One of the Guys

P.S. This email was obviously a manifestation of my girly side. It’s embarrassing and it pained me to write it, but I’m actually just really curious..

Dear One of the guys,

First of all, I want to say thank you for writing in. Secondly, you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about.

Why do some girls get along better with guys and vice versa? Ever notice they tend to get trapped in the friend zone? That seem backward to anybody else? A guy who’s great friends with a girl understands her, respects her, and has earned her trust. Yet she refuses to take him to bed and reenact the most, um, climactic scene from Mr. & Mrs. Smith (second only to the carnal carnage of Dolemite in The Human Tornado). She prefers to boink the tool that nods his head, feigning interest in what she’s saying, to steal glances at her bazookas. People act retarded, right? They’re just a bunch of idiots afraid of the right person, right? Well, there might be more to it than that…

Being a “guy’s girl” isn’t a deterrent. What deters people you meet are first impressions. How you hit it off with someone is pretty damned important! If you meet a guy and act like his friend then he’s going to see/treat/think of you as a friend. If you start out making it clear you’re interested in more than that…see the A to B to C of it all? (Side bar: Friends with benefits isn’t the rule, it’s an exception. Hence why the friends zone is a labyrinth most never escape from.) The next guy you meet, make it clear that you’re not just looking for another friend (I’m not talking about grabbing his junk or throwing your panties at him). Now on to why you attract wimps…

I need to steal a line from one of the greatest love stories EVER told. When talking about why he and his girlfriend, Adrian, are together, Rocky Balboa (go Flyers!) says, “I dunno, she’s got gaps, I got gaps, together we fill gaps.” In a nutshell, that’s why the girly-men (imagine that said in the Governator’s voice) flock to you. People are often attracted to someone who has a quality that they wish to have – hence the expression “opposites attract.” From my experience, a lot of the best relationships are between two people who are complimentary to each other; she’s a slob and he’s a neat freak; she likes Gossip Girl while he watches WWE Raw; they compromise by watching Chuck together and switching weeks doing laundry.

One man’s opinion: Work on not being friends with guys. To be clear, I’m not saying femme yourself up. Try letting him know you’re looking for something other than just drinking a beer and watching the game. Be open and receptive, otherwise called approachable. Sometimes we’re not aware of the walls we put up when we meet people. Take a step back. Ask your guy friends how they felt when they met you, as research. Then it’s just a matter of practice. If you want more, then don’t be afraid to let him know. Otherwise, you’re shortchanging yourself and what you have to offer.

Your Bro 4 Life,
The Dude