In reality, we’re all very disturbingly gross, incestuous lovers. Not only do most of my friends know the guys I date, but most of the guys I date know the other guys I date. It’s really fun, let me tell you. But I’m not the only one jumping through these intertwined romantic hoops. Many a friend of mine, actually, has dated another friend of mine. It seems to be the way the world works.

This is all fine and dandy until the couple starts paddling down good ol’ sh*t creek. It starts with a complaining IM message, email, text, or phone call. One friend is coming to you to have a heart to heart about what friend number two did wrong to hurt his or her feelings. And just like a Los Angeles smog, awkwardness starts seeping down from the sky and choking the entire room.

What am I supposed to say in these situations? Which friend am I more loyal to? What the f*ck?

Recently, two of my friends met at a party of mine. Their relationship kicked off with a sunset on the beach and was followed by 4 weeks of hot love-making and puppy-dog glances. But then my girl friend, Marie, had a reconnecting visit with her ex and didn’t really want to be so smothered by my boy friend, Pete. Which has forced me into the middle as Pete has been IMing me daily about Marie.

And this same situation has happened so many times.

My theory on it all?

If both people are my friends, then they are my friends. I’m going to be loyal to both of them. I’m going to be fair and honest with each friend without saying or doing anything to hurt the reputation or happiness of my other friend.

So when Pete asked me about Marie, I simply said, “I’m not sure what’s going on with her, but give it time, I’m sure the dust will eventually settle.”

The key is to not choose sides. That’s not fair. Be loyal to both of your friends in these situations – at least that’s my opinion. What do you think?

Instead, I have friend-couples (you know, the couples you were friends with before they were couples) sprinkled through my social calendar, all with their own cute little anecdotes and acknowledgments that without me, they probably would’ve given up halfway through.

One of my best friends even said that she wished I had a me, so that I could be dating someone, too.

If you’re pausing because, hold up, the best way to have a me is for her to a be a me, that’s what I thought too. I tried to explain that to her.

Fact is, there are some seriously negative aspects to being a matchmaker. Beyond the fact that everyone is always using you for your skills, you’ve got to constantly reassure both parties that they actually are good enough for one another, and you’ve got to be prepared to deal with the questions.

“What’s her favorite flower?” “Where should we go to dinner?” “Am I cuter than his ex?” “Does she actually like me?”

You want to scream, ASK HER/HIM, NOT ME! But you don’t. Because you’re too good a friend. And so by means of you, they do the most romantic, adorable things for one another, for which you receive no public credit. Which is fine, even if you’re the one who remembered every allergy or pet peeve of your friend’s, just so their boy/girlfriend can get a perfect gift.

Sometimes you want to tear your hair out, because this really doesn’t benefit you at all. You’re just a mediator, making absolutely no profit outside of the respective happiness of your friends. And for me, sometimes, that’s enough. When it’s not, and when you have to jump in to defend a buddy’s character, then you need to draw a line.

Stick up for yourself. Remind them that you’re friends with both of them, individually, and you didn’t sign on to take sides when there’s trouble in paradise.

It’s okay to say no. You don’t have to be the third wheel just to make your friends more comfortable, and they should respect that.

It’s also okay to say nothing. You have no obligation to give any information you don’t deem appropriate to share, and you definitely don’t need to chime in your opinion, especially if you know it’s going to fall on deaf ears.

Have you been a middle-man in your friends’ relationship without wanting to? How do you handle these awkward situations?

[photo courtesy of www.manestreetgraphics.com]