“Whose Side Are You On?”

I’m not talking about Captain America vs. Iron Man. I’m talking about friends who’ve been in a relationship and now have reached their final destination: splitsville. Once the two of them go their separate ways, which one of them gets you in the proverbial divorce?

It’s not always as clear cut as saying, “well, I was her friend first” or “she was the one who cheated on him with the train conductor.” Sometimes break ups are more complicated than that. Every now and then, they’re reasonably amicable. Every once in a while there’s the exceptional parting where you empathize or sympathize with both sides. Whose friendship do you keep? Or…can you stay friends with both of them?

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“Birds of the feather flock together” is a phrase my mother has repeated to me since I was a child. I used to hate her for this phrase. I used to accuse her of being judgmental and mean-spirited for judging my friends by the company that they kept. But now…well…now the story is a little bit different. As I have grown up on my own – outside of the house and outside of my mother’s phrases – I have begun to realize just how right she was.

More often than not these days, I find myself repeating that phrase. It’s not that I assume that a person is just like their negative friends, but I do wonder: why surround yourself with negativity? So many times, I hear people justifying their own friends. They’ll explain that their friend is ‘obnoxious’ or ‘self-centered’. Sure, we all have our negative qualities, but when a person’s negative qualities stand out against everything else…why would you want to be around that person?

Maybe I’m just biased because I have the best friends in the world. I throw parties often and I always pride myself in the fact that all of my circles of friends mingle together flawlessly each time. My friends always leave my parties raving about how awesome the people they met at my party are. I guess since I’m in NYC now, I can be picky. There are enough people in NYC to allow for me to have well-balanced, good-hearted friends across the board.

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A close set of girlfriends is like a corset, generally helping you maintain as much poise as possible through all walks of life while proving to be an incredibly tight system of support. If you’re lucky, they know you better than you know yourself (or than you’d prefer to admit to yourself) and love you anyway, all the while sharing their wardrobes and opinions on whether it’s time for a new hair color.

I wouldn’t dream of replacing my girls, not for a second, and especially not with a guy. But what happens when your interest is piqued by a third party you’ve met through a friend? That mutual friend might just be one of your girls, and before you start inquiring why they haven’t introduced you before, you’d better put the brakes on. Why? Because as lovely as a girlfriend is, odds are, she’s not into sharing. Even if she has no attraction to her friend, it’s not looking good until you talk it out.

Before you protest, I would like to clarify that I am aware not all girls are like this. Case and point, I have a friend who set me up with her ex-boyfriend once (weird, weird, weird and ended too horribly for a 500-word blog to get into, but trust that I have a healthy fear of karma after that entire situation, so yes I learned my lesson). One of my best guy friends is even dating one of my closest girls, and I’ve been a supporter all along. In that instance, and certain others, I don’t mind being a liaison, but there’s something that makes me hesitate before actively pursuing someone I meet through one of my girlfriends. Read More »