Are you actually together, or are you just really good friends who frequently have sex? Are you ‘dating’? Are you ‘in a relationship’? Maybe ‘it’s complicated’? Are you ready for engagement…or marriage? Or is it time you two just moved in together already?

Women’s magazines and Hollywood seem to be preoccupied with the notion of moving one’s relationship forward, as if a relationship were some sort of vehicle aiming for a finish line, some sort of ephemeral end goal (it’s never really defined, is it?). Indeed, film and television producers like to parcel out relationship plots as mostly linear narratives with some sort of final objective on the horizon: Girl meets Boy. Girl likes Boy. Girl and Boy date. Girl and Boy become a Couple. Couple co-habitate. Couple get engaged. Couple get married. Couple have children. Couple’s happiness is demonstrably achieved (apparently). Oh, perhaps the writers will throw in a few twists — perhaps Girl meets Girl. Maybe there’s a nearly disastrous misunderstanding involving a jilted ex-lover. Or maybe the Couple must overcome adversity in order to marry. Radical.

The thing is, relationships rarely happen like that in real life. Particularly, I would argue, for modern 20-somethings. By the time you’ve experienced a relationship (or several) yourself, you come to the realisation that relationships seldom occur as neatly as Hollywood would have you think. Relationships are messy, confusing, exhilarating and frustrating, and no two are the same. How, then, do you know when it’s time to move your relationship to the next level? How do you know when it’s the right time to have sex, to decide to be exclusive, to change your Facebook status to ‘in a relationship’, to consider engagement, marriage, children, whatever?

At the risk of sounding deeply ‘new age’ and annoyingly like your high school counselor, I can’t answer that for you. You and your lover are the only people who can decide where your relationship is going and when. I do have a few morsels of advice, though.

Firstly, don’t be beholden to whatever it is you think society wants you to do. Please! If you’re three years into your relationship and people are speculating as to when the ring is going to appear on your finger, don’t feel required to get engaged. Relationships aren’t a race to the finish line (what is waiting at the finish line, anyway?), you’re absolutely free to meander at your own pace. It might be better to let things develop organically, rather than forcing ‘progress’ upon a relationship. Pressures such as ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ can distract you from the fact that a relationship is a journey, not a destination (ew, I feel so grossly airy-fairy and existential for writing that, but it’s true). So quit your worrying and enjoy things as they are.

Similarly, don’t feel the need to define your relationship by traditional standards. There’s a guy in my life – we get along really well, and we’re good friends. We spend a lot of time together and we have a lot of sex. We cuddle and we talk and we cook together. We’re exclusive. But he’s not my boyfriend. There’s all sorts of reasons that neither of us feel like defining our relationship as ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ and we’re both perfectly comfortable with that. It’s other people who seem so keen to slap a definition on us. Are we together? Sorta. The label isn’t important. If you’re in a similar situation, don’t feel the need to move your relationship to the ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ stage just because others think you should.

Thirdly, remember that completion of one step is not a prerequisite for completing another step. I used to live with my boyfriend. We lived together for two years. I learned a lot during that time, including the realisation that I really need my own space. I will always be hesitant to move in with a significant other. But that doesn’t mean I cannot be in a serious, meaningful (etc. etc.) relationship. Personally, I think Tim Burton and Helena Bonham-Carter have the right idea — adjoining houses. They have kids, a great relationship (it would seem), intimacy, and personal space. So, just because you’re getting engaged, it doesn’t mean you have to move in with each other. Just because you’ve decided that you’re in a relationship, doesn’t mean you have to be having sex. Just because you’re moving away, doesn’t mean you have to break up. You decide which steps to take and when to take them.

Finally, don’t be afraid to end things if the ‘next step’ is just not what you want. Perhaps your friend with benefits wants to be more than a friend, but you’re not comfortable with the idea. Don’t be afraid to end the relationship there — if your differences are irreconcilable then there’s probably not much point in carrying on. If he’s talking about marriage and babies and you’re terrified, maybe it’s time to have a think about where things might be going, and if it’s time to abandon ship.

I suppose I’ve talked around the issue a little here, but the salient points for you to remember are these: ‘moving forward’ and ‘taking things to the next level’ are not always necessary. Screw society’s expectations and do your own thing at your own pace. And, if you want out, don’t be afraid to say so.

Want to see when He Said it’s the right time to take things to the next level? Check it out at COEDMagazine.com!

Raquel is a Wellingtonian and an Art History graduate. When she’s not studying to be a teacher, she’s downing coffee and reading the autobiographies of people much more amazing than her. You can follow her on twitter @raquel_marty.

No, not the guy on the side of my actual relationship — I don’t have a real boyfriend either. I had boy reserved for cold New York nights when I felt particularly needy for human affection. Hey, no one is immune and dating is difficult. Any single girl in the city who refuses to date “just anyone” for the sake of having a boyfriend will say the same. Which is why I have a backup boyfriend, someone who can play the role when you need a night of pretending. I’ll call him Smith.

Smith is a few years older than me, incredibly intelligent, beautiful and in a band. You’re thinking, “Why the hell isn’t he your actual boyfriend?” Well, I have a long (and rather entertaining) history of dealing with men like Smith. They weren’t all assholes. Just most of them. Smith isn’t an asshole, though. He’s incredibly affectionate, mature and most importantly honest. And the sex? He’s a passionate (albeit slightly melodramatic) artist, so it was theatrical, violent and absolutely mind blowing. His flaw? Smith is first and foremost in love with himself.

He once asked me, “What if we tried this? Tried actually trusting each other. It could be great.” To which I responded, “Unfortunately, Smith, you will never make me feel like I’m the only girl in the room. And I don’t think you have the capacity to love anyone as much as you love yourself.” “Well, should I love you more?” You get the idea. He’s the perfect Mr. Right Now. Or he was. Until he dumped me.

It’s pretty ironic how it went down. Ironic in the way that, even though it totally sucks, you can’t help but chuckle at the universe a bit. So here I am, feeling totally in control of the situation. We were cuddling affectionately after a lazy day of watching Shameless. Comfortably nuzzled in his chest, I said, “What are you going to do when I actually start dating somebody?” He snickered, “I’ll be polite to his face and make snide comments to you behind his back while attempting to sleep with you.” “Fair enough.” In an odd (and what you’ll surely deem unhealthy) way, it was adorable. Did I mention that this is one of my best friends’ older brother? We’re pretty stuck in each other’s lives. Yeah, yeah, judge as you may.

So here I am thinking I’m in the perfect situation. I don’t have to wade through all the douche bags and losers that plague the New York City world dating scene. I can focus solely on my career knowing that great sex and something-a-lot-like-love is only a phone call away. Meanwhile, if the actual Mr. Right comes along, I’m free to be swept off my feet.

A few days after the aforementioned cuddle fest, Smith has a big show that I attended. I wasn’t surprised when he didn’t smother me with attention. He was busy flirting with everyone, working the rock star charm for all his adoring fans. I get it. What did surprise me, however, was that the next day when I was out doing a nice bit of day drinking with his sister, I texted him to meet us…but he never responded. That was unlike him. Even if he was out with a hoard of women, he always used to respond. I follow up again. Still nothing.

When I felt that inner girl crazy (oh, you know what I’m talking about) stir within me that wanted to text him something ugly, uncalled for and over-dramatic, I immediately deleted his number. Not as mature as having actual self control, but still probably more mature than had I said something I would later regret. After a few days of not hearing from him, I knew something was up. So, I email him and ask. We have the uncanny ability to be perfectly honest with each other. I didn’t mind admitting that it hurt me and I even explained the vulnerability the hurt implied.

I got the sweetest email back explaining that he met someone that had totally overwhelmed him in the greatest way possible. Fuck. Isn’t karma a big, ugly bitch? What will I do? I guess now I’ll be polite when she’s around, make snide comments to him behind her back…always tempting him.

I’ve obviously changed names for the sake of privacy…. but you should totally check out this band, Deadbeat Darling. They’re awesome. Download their stuff and like them on Facebook.

Ahh, college. Some people look at it as an institution of higher learning, others look at it as a new place stocked with eligible men and women for the taking. Wherever you fall across the spectrum, you’ve probably heard of the sometimes-taboo subject called dormcest. That means dating/hooking up with someone who lives in your building or on your hall. These types of relations are common both when you first move in and again in the cold winter months when people are less apt to hike to a party in a short skirt and more likely to pick from what’s close and convenient.

However, “dormcest” can be risky business. Getting intimate with someone who lives nearby and who you see just about every day can become awkward, annoying, hurtful or even dangerous. Tread carefully with this, and use this guide to eliminate as many risks as possible.

Rule out the next door neighbors.You will see these guys every day, even multiple times a day. They will probably see you in a towel, coming in drunk from a party and at your morning-after worst. If you hook up with them, you might be starting a FWB relationship where you two just go to each other because it’s easy.  Or, you can get into a relationship. And while might seem super fun to live right next to your boyfriend, think about how annoying it can get. Too much time together is never a good thing.

And if that ends badly? You will undoubtedly see other girls enter his dorm room and perhaps vice versa, which can cause hurt feelings and jealousy.

Choose wisely. If you are looking for a one time hookup/fling, pick a guy who wants the same. If you pick a guy who wants a relationship and seems very clingy in the beginning, you will have a sad puppy following you around for weeks to come.

Respect each other’s space.  Do not bust into his room like you own it, and do not spend all your time in there. Think about it like it was his house. Would you drive by his house five times a day? At 3 in the morning? (If you said yes, you should probably seek some help).

Keep quiet. A dormcest couple in my building is actually doing quite well because they don’t broadcast their relationship to the world. Laurie* and Rob* started out slow in the beginning; I wouldn’t have even known they were spending time together if they didn’t decide to share that with a few friends. They told each other they weren’t looking for a relationship at the time, which allowed them no drama. After a couple months, they decided to make their relationship official, and still they are a pretty low key couple. No one is talking about them and nothing is weird in the dorm because of it.

Make alone time. Another dormcest couple in my hall, Shannon* and Mike*, started getting serious pretty quick. Now they fight all the time, and everyone knows about it (and hears it!). This is a case of too much time together and not really knowing each other. My friend Megan brought up a good point: how can you really know each other if you only spend time together in the dorm, surrounded by friends? You don’t get any alone time like other couples do when they go out on dates.

Make time apart. Spending too much time together can become overbearing. Then you feel uncomfortable in your own space, and you can’t even escape the other person. Make sure you hang out with your friends, do things separate, and set limits on seeing each other in the building.

End it as amicably as possible. Unless you are one of the select few who fall in love and decide to be together forever, you will probably suffer an awkward break up. Resist the urge to have a big blow out fight, use mean insults or to make yourself look like a crazy person. End it as cleanly as possible, and be civil and polite when you see your ex. A smile and a wave make things less awkward and soon you won’t even feel weird passing them in the hallway.

Protect yourself. I hate to admit it, but there are some crazies out there. A girl I know, *Karissa, began seeing a guy who seemed really friendly and cool in the beginning. However, now that she told him she wasn’t interested anymore, he has become obsessive, angry and even threatening. He texts her every day, calling her names and saying he will kill her if she doesn’t call him back. He knows where she lives, but thankfully cannot get into the dorm without the proper authorization. What if you picked a guy like this in your own building? Know someone very well before you start a relationship where they know how to find you, and know how to protect yourself. If you see any inappropriate or threatening behavior, report the person to your campus police immediately.

Those are my tips for making dormcest work, and I wish all those crazy enough to try it good luck! Please share your dormcest stories in the comments!

*Indicates names have been changed.

Maura is a freshman at Rider University and loves chocolate, cheesy wedding T.V. shows, writing, fashion and playing with her overweight (but adorable) Pomeranian. When she isn’t at class or sleeping, you can catch her on twitter @maurahilgar.

Dear Dude,

I love your column. Read it every week. I’m just curious about the “dude” insight on my situation, because it’s so complicated, like…I can’t even.

My story: I am newly single after a year long semi-hellish long distance relationship. Not really looking for anything serious, a little jaded, but if I met someone who I thought was good enough I wouldn’t turn and run away from it. I’m a big believer in the “He’s Just Not That Into You” philosophy that if a dude really wants to date/be committed to someone, he will. That was until I met this guy.

He’s 23, I’m only 20, and we met at a party about a month ago. We always have a great time together, and uh…well the hooking up is nice (read: amazing). I mean it’s at the point where he just assumes I’m staying the night if I come over. After our first time hanging out, he mentioned that he’s all “dead inside” and basically turned off to the idea of dating right now because some vapid woman broke his heart a year and a half ago, and at the time so was I – I mean my ass had just got dumped. I wanted to be a single hot mess for a while, but the constant texting/hanging out is leaving me very confused. Plus, I’m like – dude it’s been a year and a half, it’s time to get over it.

He said verbatim last night, “You’re awesome. I would be an idiot not to date you. Anyone would, I just can’t or don’t like the whole idea behind relationships. I can’t fail if I don’t try.” So I get it, he’s being loud and clear – he’s not looking to be committed and serious right now and that is perfectly okay with me, but I wonder if there’s a chance he’ll ever want to actually date me, ’cause besides being “dead inside” he’s basically exactly what I was looking for. I mean, he said he liked where things were at right now, he refers to me as his “ladyfriend” to his guy friends – and I’ve met a few of them, that’s not f*ckbuddy behavior…He did mention that he’s new to the whole casually dating thing which could explain some of the PDA and other boyfriend behaviors, but I feel like if he didn’t want to do those things, he wouldn’t.

As far as where I’m at…I don’t mind things the way they are. I like “casually seeing someone.” Enough to get my mother off my back about having a boyfriend, but free to do my own thing every once and a while too. I’m pretty independent, but I am really starting to like this guy so I like to think that it COULD go somewhere. Am I over thinking this? Does the guy even like me? Am I wasting my time?

I hate everything.

Dear I Hate Everything,

As a general rule of thumb, when you ask yourself “Am I over-thinking this?” You’re probably over-thinking it. Or at least you’re on the border of over-thinking. In my opinion: You’re reasonably over thinking it. And it’s because he’s giving you giving you mixed signals.

Keeping things casual is a tough f*cking thing to do the first time you try it. Hell, some people simply CAN’T do it. It’s just not how they’re built. This guy though, he doesn’t really seem to get the whole concept. YOU DON’T ACT LIKE A BOYFRIEND IF ALL YOU WANT TO BE IS A F*CKBUDDY. Of course, maybe he doesn’t want to just keep it casual but he’s too scared to go past the line. Personally, I think he’s a pussy.

He’s a pussy. He says he wants to date you but he’s scared of it failing. So he doesn’t. He’s a pussy. I understand why he’s being one, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t one. Look, getting your heart shattered into a million bagillion pieces could take a year to get over or ten years. But you don’t get over it until you’re willing to try and explore a connection with another person. She chopped off his balls and he hasn’t grown them back, yet.

How do you deal with a pussy? This is the question underneath the semantics. There are two options that come to me off the top of my head: You use the stick or you use the carrot.

The carrot will take much longer, require a lot more patience, but it might be the easier transition method. You slowly increase you affectionate behavior matching his, and then up it a little, then when he matches you/surpasses you, you up it until you get to a point where, in the middle of a Hallmark moment, you’ll say something to the extent of, “I just want to be like this with you all the time.” Thereby manipulating him into a comfort zone where he’s ready to move things to the next level. Then again, there’s the stick.

Now, granted, the stick’s a little more definitive and, IMO, the most effective. Because it doesn’t take sacrifice and putting yourself through a lot of hoops for him, but it does involve more risk. The stick is you tell him what you want, why you want it, why you think he can handle it, and you don’t walk away until the two of you have made the decision: yes or no. Yes, you’ll give it a real shot or no it’s never going to happen. If no, then start scouting for new talent.

Right now you’re driving yourself nuts because he’s stuck and you’re spinning all around him. Unstuck him. You can do it however seems best. Just stop spinning and get an answer for yourself. You’re not asking him for a big commitment, you’re just asking him to take down a wall or two.

Allons-y!

The Doctor Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Ever have that moment where you’re out shopping somewhere, looking like a hot mess, and you randomly glance over and from out of the blue you see your ex walking toward you? If you’re awkward like me, you look away, pretend not to see them and high tail it the hell out of there.

For many of us who are going back to our hometowns for Thanksgiving break, the possibility of seeing your ex boyfriend or girlfriend is very likely. This can be especially awkward if you broke it off just because you two were going to different schools. While this may not be the highlight of your break, you can follow some Do’s and Don’ts to make it as painless as possible.

Do be friendly. Take the weird, pretending to not notice each other but in reality staring each other down element out of the equation and just say hi first. Smile, ask how school’s going and how the family is, and you can end it there. This shows that you have moved on, are doing fine without him and still care about him as a friend (even If you don’t!).

Don’t talk about all the wild parties you go to at school and how many guys you have hooked up with since you got there. This just makes you look like you’re trying to make him jealous and gives off the impression that you are easy. You want your ex to respect you. Besides, the mystery of what you’re doing and who you’re doing it with at school will keep him interested…in a good way.

Do act normal and have fun! If he’s in your friend group, it will be hard to avoid him. You want to be able to see all your friends over break and be drama free (just because they’re your high school friends doesn’t mean you still need to have high school drama!).  Avoid any drama and even if he tries to pick a fight with you about the past, let it go. Bringing up old issues will only make both of you more confused and angry with each other. Keep it low key and at least be civil.

Don’t jump into the friends with benefits category right away. It might be tempting, but consider the consequences first. Did it take you a long time to get over him? Do either of you have jealousy issues? Can you manage a carefree hookup without bringing back old feelings? Because in a week your ex will be back at school, free to do whatever and whoever they want. If re-igniting the spark is going to make you jealous or paranoid, lay off. If you had a dramatic break up, save yourself the repeat and keep your distance.

While it is great to see your old friends and even the ex’s, remember that Thanksgiving is about family, being thankful and, most importantly in my book, the food! Don’t complicate it with relationship drama.

College made life so easy. Seriously. I was effortlessly plopped onto a large mass of land with tons of people my age who had the same goals (AKA make it to class and survive finals week sober). Then, college provided all of us with a giant room to eat (cafeteria), a giant room to nurse a hangover and take naps on tables (library) and a giant neighborhood to spend our weekends guzzling weird combinations of booze and Juicy Juice (off campus housing).

College was a large Biodome for easy mistakes, debauchery, learning and living. And now that I’ve been out of college for a while, a few things have become irresistibly harder to accomplish without this grand ol’ biodome of easy living. I’ve dealt with the following combo platter of difficulties in the real world, and in every situation I contemplated ripping my hair out. They get harder to cope with, people! And I’m going to make up this silly excuse that it’s because I’m growing up.

Here are a few things I’m having a tough time dealing with nowadays:

1. Hangovers

ARE SO HARD. My body is no longer programmed to handle them by hitting the gym and sweating out vodka collins on the tread. Instead, I plop down on the couch and with every pulse, feel the rotting of death inside of me. It’s that bad. In college, a simple Vitamin Water would ease the pain. Now, I have to go through a series of healing tactics (googling pictures of hot men, chugging coconut water, calling my mom and crying, eating tons of pizza, taking walks and constantly complaining).

2. Naps

NEVER WORK. In my head, they sound amazing — especially those first five minutes at work. I sit and imagine lying on one of those blue mats they have in preschools and get queasy thinking about sleep. But if I actually try to close my eyes, my mind is a battle field of thoughts and worries. No sleep for the weary. To top it off, when I wake up from a 30-minute snoozer, I feel like DEATH. Maybe my REM sleep has gotten more intense, mystery behold. Whatever it is, it’s painful.

3. ‘No Strings Attached’ Relationships

CAN’T EXIST. Probably because they don’t begin at a college dive bar and end on a futon. If you try to have one, it ends up feeling desperate and ridiculous. When someone tells me where I can go to snatch up a casual bedtime relationship aside from CraigsList (with a risk of not getting murdered), please hit me up!

4. Natural Oil Hair Treatments

AKA NEVER SHOWERING. Try going to work with greasy hair and a bitter scalp scent. It’s not going to work. And you’re not going to work either once you get fired. In college, I went days without showering. Gross? No, natural.

5. Finding My Inner Self on Google

IS NO LONGER THERAPEUTIC. I remember the days when I used to spend hours on google…image searching hot men, searching myself, getting dirt/hair styling information from celebrities. Now, I just get stressed out by all of the things I should be doing instead. Ugh, real world problems.

6. Vodka Shots

CAN’T BE DONE. I have no idea how I used to cheers my girlfriends and tip back anything that remotely tasted like nail polish remover. Now, I see a bottle of vodka and get that feeling in my chest. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you need to go live with no regrets. Or have a lot of them and just accept it.

Either way, I’m proud of my college days–and won’t forget all of those moments when I could handle vodka, spontaneous hook-ups, long pointless hours on the internet, being dirty, in depth naps and Thirsty Thursdays. Keep it hush, hush — but it all still leaks into the post grad years. Things just get a little more difficult to endure.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’m going back to college in the fall and I wanted to re-invent myself, still stay the same but have a total new outlook on life and a new attitude. Back as a freshman guys would make fun of me and torture me, and it was horrible. I wanted to go back in the fall as a new person, and have those guys who made fun of me not know what hit them. Also, I had a friends with benefits situation with one of my guy friends, and when I had asked him why he hooked up with me, he said along the lines of, ‘We’ll I was bored and I knew that you’d hookup with me.’ It was something much worse along those lines but it’s too embarrassing to disclose. SO, I wanted to know how do I show my ex-hookup buddy and those other guys that I’m tougher than ever and started a brand-new attitude?

Thanks for your help in advance,
Looking to find a new me

Dear Looking,
I think Aunt Tuffy may be too late on this one in time for the fall (sorry, babies!! I gets a lot of questions and I gots to work through ‘em!!) but I still wanna address it. Okay?

So, I want to punch every single one of those guys in the groan and then I want to take their small testes and put them in a testes tube and mix them up and then I want Carrot Top to poo on them. That, I should wish on them. You don’t say how these guys tortured you, but I’m going to assume it was just verbal picking-ons. Giiiiirl. These guys are so not even WORTHY of looking upon you when you go (went?) back this fall. For reaaaaaalz.

I don’t know what the problem was, but I DEFINITELY think that YOU are not the one who needs to change. These ashholes better hope they never meet up with Tuffy. I mean, seriously. Bullying is so 1990s. But let’s say there’s something about yourself you’d like to improve. Yes, of course, go for it. We can all be better, and we should all always be TRYING to be better. Some people are bad listeners. Tuffy has a bad temper and cuts people who are bad listeners. Etc. So, by all means, self-improve.

BUT!!!!!!!!

It sounds to me like you somehow fell victim to a particularly cruel group of  the species known as Jerkus Offus. AVOID THESE DOOFI. They are SO not worth the toxic energy they’re sending your way. Just steer clear of them. And if you run into them, just smile, say hi, and, no matter what they say, just keep walking.

IF they are being physical in ANY ANY way, you MUST tell your campus police and file a complaint with the school. You hear me?! MUST!!!! In the meantime, your “ex-hookup buddy” does not deserve to be your friend. Sever all ties. Seriously.

Although, honestly, why would you ask someone why they hooked up with you?! Which brings me to: I’m guessing you just have very poor self-esteem. You’re letting it show, and, unfortunately, jerkus offus smell the blood in the water. You don’t have to change yourself, honey. All you have to do is be more confident. And to be more confident, you just have to ACT more confident, and soon you’ll start believing it.

Do me a favor and make yourself a mantra. Every morning, before you leave your room, look in the mirror, look yourself right in the eye, and say eight times out loud: “I am awesome.” Sounds stupid, but I bet you all my bubblegum it’ll work. Get out there, girl. You better WERK.
Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Qvestion?! Ansver: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I find myself between a rock and a hard place. My ex-boyfriend and I have turned friends with benefits. Me and my ex had dated for a year and a half, about half of the time we were at college in different towns. We started dating right after I came out of a long-term relationship that ended badly. In hindsight it was too soon for me to date again, but I was just glad to be moving on. We had a rocky month or two in our relationship with some dishonesty after we had been dating for four months. I had hooked up with one of my guy friends on my spring break trip after a long night of partying. I called my ex the next day and tried to explain to him what happened. I had never felt so guilty and ashamed about something. He was extremely hurt but we had a very strong connection and worked through it. We had an awesome summer together before we went off to college which made it extremely hard to cope with the fact I would only see him twice a month. I felt awesome when we were together and fell pretty hard for him.

During the fall semester, the same issue of trust and cheating arose again. Though I would think we talked things out, he could never quite let the topic go. Right after second semester started, things fell apart. My ex was struggling with some personal issues as well as his academics, the ongoing and recurring issue of dishonesty, and the distance took its toll. We broke up at the end of January of this year. But neither of us could let things go completely. We still talked and we saw each other once. It was so hard because despite all of the issues we had, we were so in love. And I know it doesn’t really make sense because if we were in love we shouldn’t have had our problems. But that was the frustrating part. We knew we shouldn’t have been dating at that point when we broke up but I still loved him.

In the beginning of March this year, after some pestering from my mother, I made the tough decision to actually break things off with my ex. No visiting or communicating for a while. I was so hurt that I broke up with him, still had  strong feelings
and I thought I needed to cut him off for a while. We went a few weeks without speaking and it was the hardest thing. I’ve been through a long-term relationship break up before and after a few weeks I was doing better. But I couldn’t seem to pull myself together after this one. I missed him so much and eventually caved and called him. He was relieved to hear from me and was a mess himself. Unfortunately he told me that he was talking to someone. He said he thought it would help him move on since he couldn’t get over me. They hooked up once but just became friends. My ex said he couldn’t be with someone else, even casually, when he still had feelings for me. We continued to keep in contact until we were both home for the summer in May. We have been hanging out now and I’m so happy. We aren’t dating and most of our friends don’t know whats going on. My parents also don’t know. They never really liked my ex and thought he consumed too much of my time. They also became increasing worried when me and my ex would argue or fight.

So here I am, still in love with my ex but we aren’t together. Will it ever be possible for us to have a normal relationship? Is what I’m doing completely insane? Should I just start over again and try to move on?

Sincerely,
Holding Out Hope

Dear Holding Out Hope,

Yes. Move on.

You cheated. You were dishonest. And now when you can’t have him, you want him.

I don’t think this is meant to be, HOH. You guys gave it a good try. But at this point in your lives, I mean, you’re both about to be away for college again. I don’t want to upset you, but what are you doing right now?

THIS IS A SUMMER FLING.

Everything’s lovelier when you know there’s a time frame!

So, look, enough with this shoop. If you want to keep hooking up with him, go for it, but, to be honest, I think you’re only hurting yourself.

Either way, keep this in mind:

You’re not fighting with him or cheating on him…because you’re not dating. Because there’s no pressure. Because you’re both going back to college in the fall.

Sorry, girl. Try again.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Dear Dude,

I’ve been hanging out with a guy for a little over three months. We were inseparable almost from the start. When we weren’t at each others’ apartments, we were texting so a day never went by without us communicating in some way. HOWEVER, we were not dating because he “doesn’t date.” We never agreed to be exclusive and only promised to be forthcoming if things got physical with another person (it never did). Every once in a while he would make a comment about how hurt he was by his last long-term relationship and that he wasn’t interested in pursing something like that again. I know that this should have been a huge warning sign but I got caught up in how easy it was just being with him. Also, to make it clear, most of the time he seemed to be really invested in what we had together which always seemed to be a little more than casual sex.

This changed about two weeks ago. Suddenly, it seemed like I was a burden to him. I would come over and he would be standoffish and silent. I was worried that I was crowding him so I’d offer to go home but he always said that it was my choice if I wanted to stay or leave. I almost always stayed because I enjoy being around him and he would eventually unwind and act normally.

His distance was upsetting me though and the more upset I got the more withholding he became. A few days ago we got in a stupid fight. When I left he brought another girl over. I found out about it and asked what was going on with him. He told me he was making friends and that he never promised me anything more than what I got from him. I agreed with him, of course, because I was trying to be reasonable but I couldn’t help but point out that I thought we felt an affection for each other and that his behavior recently was hurting me. His response was that he liked everyone and I was no different than any of his other friends. I was a little put off by that and, rightly or wrongly, suggested that we stop sleeping with each other since I had obviously misinterpreted some stuff and needed to work it through. He became very angry and said that I was acting like a typical woman.

We argued for a little bit about what I feel versus what he feels. I tried to make it clear that all I want was to know that he cared for me. I’m not asking to “go steady” or for him to declare his undying love. He conceded that he did care and that our friendship wasn’t exactly like his others and reaffirmed that he would let me know if he began a sexual relationship with someone else. We hung out for a bit but I ended up going home to process stuff on my own. I thought we were at least okay after our talk but now he’s more distant than ever. I’m almost positive that he’s done with me and is waiting for me to just give up but I’m not sure. I know that I sound pretty desperate and self-deceiving but this is a man who declares his utter contempt for relationships one day and than asks if I’d take him with me when I move the next. So I guess my question is: do I back way off and just let him figure out what he wants from me? Or, should I try and keep in touch so he knows that I still want whatever it is we have to continue? I think it’s pretty obvious that I’ve developed feelings that he can’t or won’t reciprocate. My gut reaction is to just disappear. I really don’t want to be rejected by this guy and that seems to be where it’s heading.

Thanks,

A Walking, Talking Cliché

Dear A Walking, Talking Cliche

Gut instincts are funny things. For some people, their gut’s almost always on the money but for others, they go broke on all their hunches. Based on what your guy’s telling you, I’d list you as one of the former.

You are on the pain train headed to Hurtsville and now’s as good a tune to jump off as any. To get any kind of affirmation you practically have to put a vice on his balls or threaten him with green kryptonite. That’s not a healthy relationships, that’s almost you begging for emotional scraps. A position you haven’t done anything to deserve. Unfortunately, what you’re in is one of the dysfunctional pits of despair that a “not relationship” relationship can drop you into.

Boundaries shift as time goes on. There’s no way to avoid that reality. You can make all the rules in the beginning about what you are and aren’t but feelings evolve or devolve. Relationships, and I don’t care what kind we’re talking about, DO NOT REMAIN STATIC. They can’t. Because people don’t.

After a while, one person gets to feeling that he/she wants to go in one direction and hopefully, his/her partner will want to go in that direction also. Sometimes, it’s two people running in complete opposite directions. Unfortunately, that seems to be the case here. And make no mistake about it, trying to “hold on” to the status quo is in a force of movement. All movement’s relative after all. You want it to go one way and he’s trying to tug you in another and you’re just about at the breaking point.

You can make one last ditch effort and say, flat out: this is what I want, this is what I don’t want, if you don’t want the same things, then let’s call it quits now. On the other hand, if you don’t feel like going through that experience then cut the strings and free fall into emotional freedom.

Don’t let his indecision deprive you of what you need. Act first. Act now. Act according to what you need. That’s called growth. Do some of it. There might be some growing pains but they’ll be worth it to feel like the ground beneath you is that much stronger.

Make it work,

The Dude

Unless you’ve been Justin Timberlake’s biggest fan since 1998 or unless you’ve got a major girl crush on Mila Kunis, I don’t know why anyone would dish out $10 to see Friends with Benefits at the theaters this week. Sure, it’s not the first time Hollywood has tried to get two movies out of the same plot, but I can’t figure out how this movie could be any different from No Strings Attached.

To be honest, both movies remind me of some weird Black Swan crossover fan fiction. It’s like the two girls from Black Swan got sick of fooling around with each other in their dreams, so they decided to test out the other side of life by sleeping with two of the hottest men on the planet — but without commitment. Actually, if that really were the plot, I think I’d be more inclined to watch.

The thing that I really don’t understand is how No Strings Attached came out only a few months ago, which means that both these movies were being filmed around the same time. How did none of the producers notice that another big studio was filming practically the same movie?

Eh, oh well. Even though I probably won’t make the time to help out Friends with Benefits at the box office, I’ll probably pick it up on DVD in a few months when I’m feeling bored one night. Instead of comparing the plot quality and script of the two, I’ll probably pick my favorite based on who looks better with their shirt off: Ashton or Justin.

And in the meantime, seriously, check out all the other movies that ripped each other off!