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Dear Dude,
My boyfriend and I recently broke up. I told him we could still be friends and everything wouldn’t be awkward. Then I find out a couple days later he deleted me as a friend on Facebook. What confuses me is that he is not the first ex to delete me. In fact my other last 2 exes have deleted me as a friend on Facebook as well.

Dude, I know there can be a millions different reasons why they would, but I think it’s strange when I said I want to be friends. Why would they do that?

Sincerely,
Girls Just Wanna be Friends

Dear GJWF,

A relationship consists of two people that cultivate a bond of trust, friendship, and vulnerability between each other. You grow together (or apart), you make room for that other person as a new constant in your daily life (even long distance where it arguably takes more effort), and gradually your inner lives are shared, until “I” becomes “We”. When that delicate and deeply emotional/psychological/physical/sexual/economical/sociological bond is broken then it’s often advisable for one or both people involved break from each other.

It’s wonderful that you want to remain friends. Often times, that’s a sign of wanting to retain some semblance of value to the relationship you had, a way of preserving what it meant to you, if you will, rather than erasing it from your memory. But you have to understand that what you want and what the other person needs may be different. While you might want to remain close, the young man may not be emotionally capable or willing. And you have to give him that space. Here, let me simplify my answer a little. Let’s see, how else can I-oh, yes, think of it like this: IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU SO WHO CARES WHAT YOU WANT!!!!!

Let the boy go. If he wants to be friends, he’ll call you. But guess what? He ain’t your man and you ain’t his woman. Once you set him free then what he does, or you do, is none of the other person’s business. You reached out and said “let’s be friends.” Great. Sounds like a pretty mature thing to do (unless you’re being selfish and want him around for your whimsy) but what he decides to do with your offering is not up to you.

If he doesn’t want to be your friend on Facebook, MySpace, stops following you on Twitter, and crosses the street when he sees you then you’ve got to accept those actions. Because they’re not yours, they’re his. If he ignores you then you probably don’t want to be friends with him. Onward and upward!

There are a ton of reasons why guys get rid of any traces of the women they break up with or are broken up by. Maybe he hates your guts and thinks you’re the devil (like Sarah Marshall) or maybe he’s scared he won’t be able to let go if you’re still in his life (aka Tom Hansen from 500 Days of Summer), or maybe he’s a narcissist and once you’re out of his orbit, you might as well not exist (does he live in Manhattan? Because that would be my guess then). Bottom line: the reason is his, not yours. What you had is past tense, so you focus on your present and leave him be to focus on his. You can always be civil when you see him in person. You made the offer to be friends, now leave the ball in his court.

When you feel broken then you need time to heal and rebuild your inners. What that means is making sure you don’t set yourself up to keep reopening the wound. The best medicine is often distance and time. If he doesn’t call, doesn’t e-mail, text, tweet, send you a birthday card, come to your next party, then here’s what you should do: nothing. Leave. Him. Alone. Because odds are he needs to protect himself from you. You may not like it, it may sound immature to you, his actions might be hurtful and seem disrespectful to what you two shared, but they’re his decisions to make. You take care of yourself and do what’s best for you. He’ll deal with himself, you just deal with yourself. And hopefully you’ll both live happily ever after.

Excelsior!

The Dude

Before I entered the world of adult dating, I didn’t really understand the importance of these factors in forming a new relationship. My lovely older sister used to lose her mind when her boyfriend (now husband)’s ex was mentioned, and I couldn’t understand why. She was history, why was the mention of her name so upsetting? I didn’t care about any of MY boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends. Of course not, they’d dated as teenagers or college students (when they were drunk most of the time, I’m sure), and topped out at a year, two at the most.

Once I joined the grown-ups, I had a new appreciation for ‘the ex’, as she became a more significant being. My boyfriend was with his ex for 8 years, and when I first found that out, the thought of her made me INSANE. Totally irrational, I know, but I’m working through it. It’s far from complete, and I’m sure it will evolve, as all things do, as I age. But for the time being, here are a few things I’ve found that help deal with this relationship reality in a healthy way.

1. Start Fresh (or, Hide The Evidence)
In any relationship, but especially long-termers, and those involving co-habitation, things accumulate. There is just…stuff. It happens, and it’s okay. Kitchen gadgets, furniture purchased together, all these need not disappear just because the co-puchaser is no longer around. But personal things? You don’t want to stumble upon a pair of women’s shoes in the back of the closet, knowing full well they’re not yours. That’s a little too much. It is certainly within your rights to ask your partner to wipe the slate clean, and make an effort to remove things directly (and obviously) connected to an ex.

But be forgiving. There was a time where I would find a book that my boyfriend had received from the aforementioned long-term ex-girlfriend, and see her name written inside with a date and sweet note, and my head would explode. It didn’t bother me because it made me think about her, it bothered me because I assumed it made HIM think about her. But was it OK for me to ask him to get rid of his favorite book just because she happened to give it to him? No. Yes, her clothes have to go, but his books do not. Pretending he or she never existed will help nothing.

2. Know What You Must – And Nothing More
The question of exes always comes up, be it as a side note in conversation or the topic itself. It’s only natural, in the process of getting to know one another. That said, learn what you must, but be careful what you ask for, and make sure you are ready to hear it. I was dying to know the details of a breakup once, because I was certain that he wasn’t telling me the whole story. It took a very, very good friend to ask me, as I agonized about whether to bring it up: “but…why?” And she was right. I didn’t need to know when she moved out, where she went, and so on, mostly because it has NOTHING to do with me and my relationship. So, lesson learned. Don’t over-pry. This ABSOLUTELY includes internet stalking. Don’t hunt them down on MySpace and Facebook! Stop it! Right now! It it a seductive prospect, and far too many people fall prey to the temptation. If you can’t ask it in person, you know it’s not a healthy activity.

3. Don’t Compare!
When dealing with a long term ex, women especially seem to have a hard time distancing themselves from certain information. Was she taller, shorter, fatter, thinner? Am I prettier than she is? Are there pictures of them on a beach in a part of the world you have always longed to go? These are not things you really need to know, nor, I imagine, do you really want to. What you want is validation that you are the best, loveliest thing that has ever entered his world. When the urge strikes for that validation, remember that you are. He’s not with her anymore – he’s with you!

4. Remember: You have Baggage Too
I have photos of old boyfriends. I have letters, and postcards, and mementos (carefully stashed away, of course). And I have friendships, many of them, with ex-boyfriends, and I am happy to have them. None of these things mean I am still in love with someone in my past. We all have exes, and they are all exes for a reason. Simple though it may seem, remembering it is the quickest way I have found to jar myself back to emotional equilibrium.

Whatever your past, whatever your partner’s past, the truth is you are together now. Appreciate your relationship for its own unique beauty, and respect the experiences that made you who you are and brought you where you are. Don’t ignore the past, but don’t live in it. My parents have been married for 30 years, and frankly, they’ve set the bar pretty high. They make jokes and kissy faces, and seem to still genuinely like each other.  And yet, over a glass of wine, as my sister and I ranted about the women who still haunted us from time to time, my mother narrowed her eyes and said “Jane Raymond.” Seems the sting never quite wears off, but it also never gets in the way.