Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m almost 21 and have never had a boyfriend! I went to an all-girls high school and never socialized with guys. My circle of friends consisted of girls and this carried on as I entered university.

It’s not that I’ve never been approached before. I just think I have never met a guy I’ve genuinely been interested in. Of course there have been the occasional crushes, but those never went beyond physical appearances. I think I have high standards and easily pin point flaws in guys that immediately turn me off from the idea of being with them (eg: they lack manners or smoke), but it’s because I’m not interested in anything casual. If I am going to commit to a relationship, I have to be convinced we can make it last. Is it too much to ask for a guy who is kind and makes me laugh? (And who accepts me and my quirks?)

I don’t think I lack confidence and I don’t think I’m hideous looking. I think my problem is I don’t know how to act and talk to guys. I can be myself, but sometimes I can be blunt and lack empathy. My friends find my deadpan humor funny, but I think others don’t get it and it turns them away. To give you a better idea, I believe I may have Asperger’s Syndrome. I haven’t been diagnosed, but when I read about it, I can relate to, 95% of the signs and symptoms! I find whenever I talk to guys and people I don’t know very well, I have a difficult time holding my end of the conversation. I either don’t know how to engage the person or don’t know the appropriateness of the topics I can share.

I guess what I’m trying say in all of this is that I have issues with how to act like a normal and appealing young lady while still trying to be myself. I need some advice, pointers, and conversation topics that will get things rolling. Anything! Your opinion, stories you may have, etc.

Sorry for the long email. I’m sure I could have written this in five sentences, but I felt it was probably important to give you a sense of my history and personality to avoid the vague and typical answers.

Thanks,
Ass Burgers

Dear Ass Burgers,

Well, okay, first of all, let’s not diagnose you on an advice column.

[Lead image via CREATISTA/Shutterstock]

For those of you not in the know, Mayo Clinic sez: “Asperger’s Syndrome is a developmental disorder that affects a person’s ability to socialize and communicate effectively with others.” It’s sort of like really high functioning autism, in Aunt Tuffy’s understanding of it.

That being said, Aunt Tuffy ain’t Doctor Tuffy. And you ain’t Doctor Ass Burgers. Soooooo…

If you really think you have Asperger’s, get thee to a doctor, honey!! Said doc can help you understand your symptoms and give you various therapies to make life so much easier. In the meantime, while you’re still undiagnosed, let’s assume you’re just, like, a little socially awkward. With that being the case, there are so many ways you can help yourself.

Numero uno, of course, is developing those listening skills. This is a talent our society seems to shoop upon, but listening to other people–like, truly, actually LISTENING to other people–makes them *GASP* like you.

So when you meet guys, if you find yourself blabbering on, let them get in on the action. A conversation should generally be 50/50: you talk half the time, they talk half the time. Be engaged in what you’re saying AND in what the other person is saying.

And be more sensitive. If they tell you something that’s important to them, don’t make a joke about it. This, my dear, is just common decency. Yes??

As for your high standards–yes, of course you should have them!!! And, yes, absolutely, you deserve to be with someone who is kind and who makes you laugh–as long as YOU are kind to THEM and YOU make THEM laugh. You get what I’m saying here?! It’s give and take. 50/50.

And sometimes you don’t know if a guy is going to be good until you get to know him better. So a first date here and there is in order. I think your idea that you’re “not interested in anything casual” is just an excuse to opt out of dating. How the floop do you know what someone’s like before you’ve hung out with them?! Seriously. A dinner here and there is not a big deal. That is really not worth whining about how you don’t want to “commit.” You can’t “commit” to salad AND an entree?! Just have coffee, then. It’s really not so much to ask to give the guy a half hour. GEEZ.

Okay, and so, on to topics. Let’s get back to this 50/50 idea, right? Ask him questions about himself. That is 100% guaranteed to get the conversation going. Hopefully you’ll find out something you have in common. If not, hopefully he’ll have something interesting to say about stuff he likes. So, questions you can ask:
-What kind of music do you like?
-Have you seen any good movies?
-I just read about [topic]. Have you heard about that? / What do you think?

Or you can take the route of telling him something about yourself and seeing if there’s any common ground there. For instance:

-You know what I just got into? [thing you got into]
-I’ve been watching [thing] and I thought [stuff]…

And if you’re really brave or really bored:

-What do you think about the government / religion / gender roles?

Good luck, kiddo.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Qvestion?! Ansver: Ask Tuffy Luv by emailing us at TuffyLuvCC [at] gmail [dot] com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

My best frenemy is getting married. Ok, fine. I was happy for her. The problem is she asked me to make a speech. Tuffy, this girl is not someone I can say something nice about. We have a lot of the same friends so I can’t back out of giving the speech, but we have had a lot of problems in the past.

She dated my ex boyfriend after I broke up with him even though I told her I wasn’t ok with it. She caused a lot of drama with our mutual friends in the past. I dont want to even go in to it here, but trust me this girl is not nice.

But we have a lot of the same friends. And we have been friends since the beginning of high school.

Tuffy, I honestly do not have any thing nice to say. What should I do?

Frenemy

Dear Frenemy,

Welp, I think you’re stuck making this speech. Girl obviously doesn’t consider you a frenemy or she wouldn’t have asked you to talk. So, um, there’s that. Is this chick oblivious, or is this state of freneminity on your side only?! Whatever. It doesn’t matter. The point is, you don’t care for her, but you have to pretend you do. Except, actually, like, you HAVE been pretending you do. So, um, that’s sort of phony, isn’t it?

Girls of the Internet: STOP HAVING FRENEMIES. What the floop is the point?! If you don’t like someone, don’t hang out with them!!! If they’re friends with your friends, try to be nice but, for crying out loud, don’t act like you’re their actual FRIEND!!! Haven’t you ever heard of “acquaintances?!” You can be perfectly polite and kind to someone WITHOUT making them think you want to GIVE A SPEECH AT THEIR WEDDING.

But, bygones. Okay. So. You have to give this speech, yes?

If I were you, my little Frenemy, I would talk to all your many mutual friends. Get quotes from them about things they like. And quote them in your speech. Show her how many people love her. And tie it together by saying (I HOPE truthfully) that you hope she and her betrothed have a wonderful future together. And then stay out of it.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

[Lead image via auremar/Shutterstock]

Aww, friends. They’re great. So great, in fact, that there are tons of super cheesy quotes floating around about them on the internet. I have to admit though, I was laughing when I first started making this gallery, but by the end I was tearing up just a little. I guess friends really are as great as the internet says.

Check out our favorite warm and fuzzy friendship quotes.

[Lead image via oliveromg/Shutterstock]

Dear Tuffy Luv,

My boyfriend of three years just had a falling out with one of his closest friends. I don’t want to go into it here, but it was over something really stupid, neither of them will apologize and now they’re not speaking.

I want to help him mend it, but it seems like it’s just making us fight. I’ve tried talking about it with him and he says he doesn’t want to talk about it. I even tried getting them together at a party, but they wouldn’t speak to each other and my boyfriend just got upset and asked me not to do that again. He says he doesn’t want to be friends with this guy anymore, but I know it’s hurting him.

What can I do to get them back together?

Worried

Dear Worried,

Back off!!!

Look, it’s sweet and all that you want your guy and his friends to get back to being BFFS. But it’s SO none of your business. You need to be available to him, in CASE he wants to talk. Stop trying to force him to talk. All that is going to do is shut him down completely. I assure you, Worried, boy will talk when he’s ready. In the meantime, be there for him. Don’t mention the friend that he’s all secretly wounded about.

Maybe they are actually done being friends. Maybe there’s something deeper and more secret going on that you don’t know about. Or maybe they’re going to get back together but just need a little time apart. Any which way, it’s not your problem to solve. The more you bug him, the more annoyed he’ll be. The more annoyed he is, the less likely he is to confide in you. The less he confides in you, the less likely he is to find a way to work it out.

Just…leave the guy alone, okay? I mean, not alone. Hang out with him. Be cute with him. Do your usual lovebug things. Just, geez, stop mentioning the thing that’s got him upset!!! Why rub salt in the wound? Let it heal, for garshsakes. And why let that friction find its way into YOUR relationship? You’re just making him feel worse. He’s an adult, you know? Trust him that he can handle it and that he’ll come to you when he’s ready.

Make love, not irritation.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

[Lead image via olly/Shutterstock]

Hi Dude,

I could use a little guy advice!

So I’m friends with a great group of guys, and we hang out all the time. I’ve never thought of most of them as anything more than friends, but there is one that I’ve started to have a crush on. He’s more of a friend of the guys than a close friend of mine, but we know each other and have hung out a few times. I don’t want to get friend zoned by him accidentally though. There are a ton of girls out there who are sexy or gorgeous and I don’t think I’m one of those. My friends call me cute or pretty. I’m a little self conscious of my noticeable chest (32DD), and sometimes I get a little shy around guys I like (such as this guy) or I feel it’s just easier to not cross that line because I don’t want to screw anything up. As I read in your blogs, I know I keep things pretty close to the chest since I have a fear of rejection. I’m really comfortable with this group of guy friends, but I just don’t want to screw up the dynamic of my friends if I make a move on this guy. I don’t even know how I’d approach this situation in the first place.

Your thoughts,

One of the Bros?

Dear One of the Bros?,

Upsetting a safe dynamic is a scary proposition. After all, you don’t want to end up losing ground you’ve already gained by shaking things up. Unfortunately, that’s EXACTLY the risk you have to be willing to take. Here’s the kicker: you may find out that it isn’t much of a risk!

Oftentimes we end up overestimating how big of an impact something will have. It’s a consequence of our own fears and insecurities. To us, we’re tempting the end of the world, realistically the earth’s probably not going to move (I try not to say too many things with absolute certainty. You can always be wrong. Plus, certainty’s boring, and sexist, like Whitney). I would take a hard look at the situation and really try to see what you’d actually lose by approaching him. Your friends? No. His friendship? Probably not. Your dignity? You might gain some more for the bravery. In actuality, there’s far less to fear here than you’re thinking. But that’s easy to know and harder to believe.

Does attempting to switch the dynamics put a little different coloring on a relationship? Sure. Does that mean you’ve done irrevocable damage the relationship? Often times, no it doesn’t. The trick is how you do it. If you just say, “hey, want to go out sometime and get dinner?” I doubt it’s going to shatter the foundations you’ve got with him or his friends. If you said “I think we were destined to be together and now is the time fate has deemed our paths to cross.” Okay, that, yeah, I’m not saying I’ve done that and it destroyed one of the most important relationships of my life. I’m not. I didn’t. Pinky swear. But that’s the kind of thing that tips the boat over when all you want to do is see if you can steer it in a different direction.

The best way is to take a deep breath, send him a text or get him for a private word the next time you see him, and ask if he’d want to hang out sometime. Be chill. Be yourself. Cute can be sexy. Cute can also be endearing and very attractive. Think of it as an asset, not a hindrance. Because it’s not! It only is if you treat it that way. You can also prepare and come up with an idea for where to go or what to do. You could also just simply throw the vague suggestion out there and let it develop as it may. But what you say is going to be less important than how you say it.

Treat it for what it is: a new possibility, not something that could make or break a friendship. Because it’s not that. It doesn’t become that until later.

There’s no shame in the shyness or your self-consciousness about your chest size, either. I’ve known a fair amount of well-endowed women who curse their chests rather than savor them. Back issues, constantly fighting for a guy’s eye contact when you dare wear anything low-cut and the soreness of being bumped into by things; I can’t imagine it’s worth it, especially if you’re not inclined to be the most outgoing personality in the first place. On the other hand, they can be a source of power! And a tremendous tool to build up confidence. For example, this boy, if he’s not blind, you need only approach him and you will have his attention until you leave. Like a dog. Because we share traits the canine species, like mouthing off at strange noises and chasing down men in uniform (well, some of us do).

Despite some lollygagging in this to put you at ease, the point is to relax and go for what you want, if you want it. You make a choice and that will lead to other choices. You can choose to let the fear of rejection rule you or you can choose to overcome it. You’re at the point where you are self-aware enough to do that. He’s not the first guy you’ve liked and he probably won’t be the last. So no matter what happens, keep things in perspective. That’s the most essential element when assessing risk and rewards to actions we weigh taking: perspective. As far as this dude’s concerned, it sounds like you’ve got a lot more reward waiting for you with a lot less risk than you’re worried over.

And as far as your group of guy friends go, they don’t have to know sh*t unless one of you wants them to. And if they find out, depending on the bunch, the two of you going out might become an in-joke or they might just forget it happened five minutes later. Groups are fickle. You won’t be ostracized from the pack. And if there’s a little awkwardness, it’ll pass with enough time or else they’ll prove themselves to not be such loyal friends in the end. In which case, f*ck ‘em.

Unleash Hell,

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

When the grey clouds start becoming a regular appearance in my weather pattern, I always find it harder to get out of bed, harder to smile and harder to step away from the pint of ice cream and brownie sundae waiting in my freezer. It’s days like these when not even Starbucks can cheer me up. So, because I always think ahead, I bought a day-by-day calendar all about being assertive and basically saying “No, thank you” more (but without the ‘thank you’ part).

And by “assertive,” I mean it’s filled with hysterical quotes about how it’s okay to be super-bitchy, because we all have those day/moments/weeks/lifetimes…when we need to insert an extra NO! into one thing or another. Or because we just need an excuse to make fun of the people still wearing leggings as pants.

So to help you out of this grey funk we all are stuck in, here is a weekly dose of the daily bitch. If this can’t encourage you to get out of bed and  go make fun of someone…I’m not sure what will…

initiating the gallery...

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I hate my friends. What do I do?

Miserable in College

Dear Miserable,

Grow the floop up.

Okay, no, I mean the thing is, you didn’t give me enough information to give you a really personal answer. Which is totally why I chose your question. Because Tuffy likes it broad. Yeah, baby. Okay, look. Everyone gets annoyed by their friends. That’s super normal, so don’t get excited. I surmise from your name, Miserable in College, that you are in college. I’M SMART.

This probably means that you just need to make new friends! No big deal, right? Probably you started college and made friends right away with the most convenient people. Which is totally the right and easiest thing to do. The problem is, sometimes the most convenient people don’t end up being the people we like best. So, Miserable in College, if that’s the case, I suggest you continue to be polite to these shoops and begin to distance yourself. Join a club or make an effort to hang out with new people after class. You’ll meet new people and find friends you actually connect with.

If, however, you hate your friends because you’re in a bad place, then, giiiiiirl! You’ve got to wait it out. If things are hard and your friends are getting on your nerves just because they’re close by, then I suggest you hang tight. Improve your mood by doing things you like and/or trying to solve whatever’s bothering you, and then you’ll be happy to see your friends again.

And, you know, these people are your friends. You could try actually, oh, I don’t know, TALKING TO THEM?! Tell them what’s bothering you,  but rationally and without judgment. Maybe there’s some kind of misunderstanding. If they’re friends, they’ll want to work it out.

BUT!!! If your friends are mean girls (or guys) — DUMP THOSE ASHHOLES!!! Forget that. Don’t you EVER be friends with someone who doesn’t want to be friends with you. That is the dumbest thing in the whole flooping world.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Enter, the Wingwoman.

Wingwomen are the future.  Whereas most women are hip to the movements of wingmen, wingwomen are the stealth operation of the “game,” and the key to successful mingling between the sexes. And not just for the guy we might be wingin’ for; for ourselves, too!

For all of you skeptics out there, I have here for you, the five reasons that wingwomen rock:

1)   We are better with the grenades. So let’s say that this skanky girl is chasing your guy friend around the bar and he can’t seem to shake her loose.  Trying to pawn her off on one of his bros has proved futile, either because she only has eyes for him or because even they won’t take that hit.  What’s a bro to do?  With the wingwoman in their arsenal they need not do anything at all. She just stands near him performs a simple neck stroke or arm-around-the-waist maneuver and that hippo knows this guy is not for the taking.

2)   We know the enemy. We are girls, you know.  So for ladies who have a general mistrust for the opposite sex, it always helps to have someone with a foot in both camps.  A guy who says, “trust me, he’s such a cool guy” definitely has an ulterior motive behind the movement, while a girl who says “no, believe me, he’s the nicest guy” is way more trustworthy.  We tend to believe it when girls say it, since we believe them to actually have our interests at heart.  And if a girl says it, it also tends to be true.  There are very few wingwomen out there vouching for guys who are total scum.

3)   We have girlfriends. If a guy already hangs out with us, he knows that we’re awesome. And since birds of a feather flock together, well, he knows our flock is pretty awesome too. And that goes both ways, meaning our girlfriends and our guy friends now all have some new (totally rad) people to mingle with.

4)   Their bros will be impressed. Girls who hang out with groups of guys are able to tap into a whole different side of the game, shocking guys everywhere.  Guys love finding out that girls are into sports and outdoorsy activities while being hot at the same time, and what better way to show your Giants love (I still love them even though they were miserable failures this season. Sore subject) than by hanging out with your guy friends and talking about the grief that you now feel following the G-Men’s heinous showing this year?  Their bros will be crazy impressed that your guy friend has such a cool girl friend, which ultimately raises your status as well.  You’re welcome.

5)   We are cool people.  Guys wouldn’t hang out with us in the first place if we didn’t rock, so not only are we extremely useful in the battle that is modern day dating, but we are also sweet people to hang out with in general.  Having a girl who is a friend seems lame in theory to most guys, but in practice we are the bomb.  We know the game and are a wealth of information about the opposite sex, as well as hold many interests that they had know idea we shared.  We are also the people guys come to to share guilty pleasures (perhaps your SECRET Lady Gaga love?  I know your game…) and talk to about things they can’t talk to with their bros. Guys need us!

See? Flying as a wingwoman for the evening really is the best way to go. For everyone involved.

[This post was originally written by Sammie-Fordham]

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’m a college sophomore girl and I seem to have a major problem with boys — I am CLUELESS when it comes to them! I just got out of a short relationship (actually my first one) and what it made me realize was I gravitate toward guys who express their interest in me FIRST because I feel unworthy of the guys that I have a crush on (like they’re too good for me or something along that line). Now, I have my eye on a new guy right now, but these questions are mainly for any guy I’m interested in, in the future. But as for this guy, I’ve gotten his number and we’ve talked a few times, one of those times being with my roommate and his roommate, and the talks were all pretty short and “meaningless.” Now first of all, if I just simply want to get to know a guy better, how much is too much as far as texting goes and how much should I go up to his room to talk to him (we’re in the same dorm)? I’m really focused on just getting to know him better before I start to dive into something, if it’s there. BUT when/if I do get to the flirting part, HOW DO I DO THAT? How much is too much?

Sincerely,

Boy-Inept

Dear Boy-Inept,

Honey, I’m gonna be honest with you: I think you’re just chicken. Texting?! OMG. How NOT effective can you be. No! Girl!!! Go to his room once. Ask him if he wants to grab coffee. And THAT’S how it’s done. Confident. Cool. Fun. THAT’S what guys like. And you can so be those things. It’s all about working up the courage. Anyone can do it. So listen up, the rest of youse:

(1) Decide on a day and time you will make your (very casual) move.
(2) An hour before you do it, have a dance party by yourself. Put on your favorite music and dance that shoop out.
(3) A half hour before, get dressed and spray yourself with perfume. No changing.
(4) Five minutes before, look yourself in the eye in a big mirror and say eight times out loud: “I am awesome.”
(5) Go say hi to him and ask him if he wants to grab coffee.

Wow. So easy. You can totally do this.

Because, like, what’s coffee?! Chances are, he wants to hang out with you ANYWAY. But no matter what, it’s a totally tiny commitment. And once you have coffee with him, you’ll know if you’re even interested in trying again. It’s so win-win I could vom.

I’m rooting for you, girl.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I love the advice you give and right now I’m in need of some if you don’t mind.

My boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me about 3 weeks ago after sitting me down and saying that he wasn’t ready to commit and that he felt as if he wanted to be alone. I didn’t agree with the breakup but I told him that I supported his decision. We decided to remain friends despite everything and I’m totally fine with that.

This past weekend, we took a trip with some mutual friends to Miami. It was supposed to be a little romantic getaway for couples when it was planned, but it wasn’t since we broke up beforehand.

Once we were in Miami, he operated as a single guy and damn near ignored me while we were there.

When we broke up, he said that he wanted me to still be in his life and was completely honest with me about everything. I still want him around as a friend, but I’m so confused. What should I do?

Miami Hopeful

Dear Miami Hopeful,

Well, you should accept it.

I mean, he told you he was breaking up with you. You understood it. You agreed that you were broken up (even if you didn’t want to be). So why would he PRETEND to still be with you when you were in Miami?! This, girl, is a case of wishful thinking. You were hoping Miami would turn things around, or at the very least you could have a romantic time in spite of everything. But it sounds like he was pretty clear with you that you were no longer a couple.

Friends is…unlikely. But actually, the fact that you were both still able to go on the trip makes it seem possible.

I mean — what do you want from him? He’s being true to his word: he’s keeping you in his life, but he is no longer dating you. Sounds like he did everything he said. He’s been quite upfront. So you have to let go now, yes?! YOU GUYS ARE BROKEN UP. What are you confused about?! He acted like a single guy, because he IS a single guy.

Clearly your feelings were hurt by this. But he was totally upfront with you. So, honestly, that’s not on him.

Look, if I were you, honey, I wouldn’t talk to him for a while. You need a break so you can remember that you don’t need him and that, hey, sometimes 5-month relationships end. When you’re feeling okay about this, then you can try to be casual friends. But I really think that’s the best you can hope for. He’s made his position pretty clear.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.