Dear Tuffy Luv,

I hate my friends. What do I do?

Miserable in College

Dear Miserable,

Grow the floop up.

Okay, no, I mean the thing is, you didn’t give me enough information to give you a really personal answer. Which is totally why I chose your question. Because Tuffy likes it broad. Yeah, baby. Okay, look. Everyone gets annoyed by their friends. That’s super normal, so don’t get excited. I surmise from your name, Miserable in College, that you are in college. I’M SMART.

This probably means that you just need to make new friends! No big deal, right? Probably you started college and made friends right away with the most convenient people. Which is totally the right and easiest thing to do. The problem is, sometimes the most convenient people don’t end up being the people we like best. So, Miserable in College, if that’s the case, I suggest you continue to be polite to these shoops and begin to distance yourself. Join a club or make an effort to hang out with new people after class. You’ll meet new people and find friends you actually connect with.

If, however, you hate your friends because you’re in a bad place, then, giiiiiirl! You’ve got to wait it out. If things are hard and your friends are getting on your nerves just because they’re close by, then I suggest you hang tight. Improve your mood by doing things you like and/or trying to solve whatever’s bothering you, and then you’ll be happy to see your friends again.

And, you know, these people are your friends. You could try actually, oh, I don’t know, TALKING TO THEM?! Tell them what’s bothering you,  but rationally and without judgment. Maybe there’s some kind of misunderstanding. If they’re friends, they’ll want to work it out.

BUT!!! If your friends are mean girls (or guys) — DUMP THOSE ASHHOLES!!! Forget that. Don’t you EVER be friends with someone who doesn’t want to be friends with you. That is the dumbest thing in the whole flooping world.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

“Whose Side Are You On?”

I’m not talking about Captain America vs. Iron Man. I’m talking about friends who’ve been in a relationship and now have reached their final destination: splitsville. Once the two of them go their separate ways, which one of them gets you in the proverbial divorce?

It’s not always as clear cut as saying, “well, I was her friend first” or “she was the one who cheated on him with the train conductor.” Sometimes break ups are more complicated than that. Every now and then, they’re reasonably amicable. Every once in a while there’s the exceptional parting where you empathize or sympathize with both sides. Whose friendship do you keep? Or…can you stay friends with both of them?

My answer to you all is YES. You can absolutely maintain friendships with both parties if you adhere to a little common sense and the Golden Rule. There’s no reason to lose a valuable friendship if you don’t have to. There are boundaries to every relationship in every stage. This is just another challenge to rework and redefine what those boundaries need to be, between you and them and they to each other.

It all comes down to keeping the individual trust of both people. You have to do your very best to keep your friendship with each person, with each person. They confide in you, you don’t break that trust. You keep your opinions about the other person to yourself, and you don’t pry about what happened between them. It’s a little bit like dancing: let them lead and do your darndest not to step on their toes.

Of course, there comes the inevitable moment when she discovers you’re still hanging out with him and she asks the question: “why didn’t you tell me?” And the answer’s a simple but potentially hurtful one: “because our friendship is separate from mine and his.” Now that’s a tough f*cking egg to lay on them, especially if they’re still somewhere in the process of moving on. On the other hand, that might sound a little more devious than it’s meant to be…

I’d also suggest speaking to each of them personally and letting them know: “hey, you’re my friend and that’s not going to change. But she’s also my friend and that’s not going to change, either. This doesn’t mean you can’t trust me as you always have and vice versa. This means that you need to accept the fact that while your relationship ended, mine isn’t going to, with either of you.” Then from there on out, separate corners. No updates, no heads ups, no accountability, so long as you preserve trust on both sides and stay out of their issues. Sounds tricky. And it might be. It’s also…possible.

If you’re willing to work on keeping that trust and letting it evolve, then it’s possible. If you’re willing to understand that when the big reveal comes that you’re talking to their ex that they might NOT trust you quite as much, then it’s possible. Your friendships will change. They have to. The relationship between two people affects far more than just two people. But the change for you is parallel to the change they’re going through: redefining what you have without the context of that other person.

Breaking up’s a process, for you and friends and friends of friends-let’s not leave out family, either. But if it’s amicable enough, if there’s enough willingness on all sides to move in separate directions, peacefully, the breaking of one bond doesn’t have to mean the end of three.

Watch out for that first step, it’s a doozy,

The Dude

Is being friends with your ex even possible? I mean, you’ve seen each other naked many, many times. You’ve opened up to each other about some weird stuff. And you once didn’t know how you could live without him. I’m still pretty much trying to figure out the real answer to that question, but I’d like to think that, yeah, sometimes you can be friends with your ex.

But let me be clear: being friends with your ex is usually really hard and can only be done in certain circumstances. I’ve watched couples try the friend thing, only to end up in this weird hooking up relationship that made both people miserable. Or one of them couldn’t handle it and the jealousy and hurt feelings destroyed any kind of friendship they could ever have. But I’ve also watched couples who totally rock at being friends after they break up – and I’ve even done it myself. So here are some tips on how you can be friends with your ex. Because, let’s face it, they were a big part of your life for a reason – it isn’t always necessary to completely push them away.

1. Honestly consider whether or not it’s worth being friends with the guy. Because let’s face it, it’s not going to be that easy. For example, if you guys dated for a few months and things ended really horribly, but you just can’t get over him, this is not a reason to be friends. Being friends doesn’t mean it’s going to lead to you guys getting back together. I’ve seen so many girls, and been one of those girls, who have agreed to be friends with an ex just because we’re kind of hoping they’ll change their minds and go back to dating us. If that’s why you want to be friends, or if you think that’s why he wants to be friends, run away, fast.

2. Give yourselves a little time. You can’t try the friend thing immediately after breaking up — it just won’t work. The feelings are too fresh and neither of you are going to be able to handle it. You need to give each other a little bit of space. No matter how hard it is, don’t talk for a few weeks. Get over each other on your own without the booty calls and the unnecessary fighting. Those things just make the situation messy and awkward, and only lead to hurt feelings. You have to be over your romantic feelings for each other before you can try a platonic friendship, or it’s just not going to work.

3. When you do decide to be friendly with each other, you still shouldn’t rush things. I know this person was probably like your best friend while you were going out, so it’s easy to want them around all the time. But don’t quickly jump into talking and hanging out as friends 24/7 — all that’s going to do is make it easier for both of you to fall back into the same pattern you were used to when you were dating. Hang out in groups of mutual friends at first, because if you settle down in your room to watch a movie together, I can guarantee you’re probably not going to watch that movie.

4. It’s probably not the best idea to over-share. Start out by calling him once in a while to chat about random things and avoid any topic that might make either of you emotional — like, it’s not a good idea to let him know about your crazy drunk hook-up, just to prove that you don’t have feelings for him anymore. If you guys feel comfortable talking about other boyfriends/girlfriends/hook-up buddies, then go for it. But if not, just avoid the topic a little bit.

5. Don’t discuss your old relationship. Now that you guys are buddies, it might seem like the perfect time to bring up the reason you broke up and analyze it. Um, don’t. It’s only going to bring up crappy feelings and probably lead to a fight. The breakup happened and it’s done, and you two have both moved on, so there’s really no reason to continue to try to prove your point.

Just remember, being friends with an ex-boyfriend can be kind of hard. Your relationship probably won’t ever be the same as it once was, and it can be weird to adjust to that. But sometimes you guys can end up having a totally amazing friendship, and it’s so worth it.

Have you gone from ex-ship to friendship? Tell us below!

Hey Dude,

I’m a huge fan of CollegeCandy and this blog, so I thought I’d write in for advice.

I’m a senior in college, and met this guy my age who goes to my school over the summer. We hit it off right away, with tons to talk and laugh about. The second or third time we hung out, right near the beginning, he told me he “liked me but wasn’t looking for a relationship.” He explained that he had been through a lot with past girlfriends that kept him from wanting to date again right now and that he has a lot going on in his life right currently: he pays for school by himself and is financially really stressed and has a lot of pressure from his parents, as well.

Anyway, that was fine. I was glad that he told me upfront and was honest about it rather than stringing me along. Unfortunately, we couldn’t really stay away from each other. We kept hanging out and talking even when we left to go to our respective homes, and when we got back to school we started hooking up. Each time it got too “relationship-like” one of us would try to back up: he because he doesn’t want to date, and me because I know he’s not going to commit and I don’t want to let myself get in too deep without that.

Right now, we’re just friends – no hooking up. The thing is, he treats me really well. We still get along so well and have a great time together. He compliments me and is nice to me around his friends, and says things like “everyone thinks we’re dating, we sort of act like we’re dating, I like you… so what are we really doing?” The problem is, I still want more. I miss him when he’s not around and it hurts me when we go a couple days without talking.

What should I do? Should I hang in there and see if the situation changes once he gets a job and is less stressed and maybe willing to date? Should I just learn to be okay with being his friend and not wanting or expecting any more? Or should I realize that maybe I’m not cut out for that and back off from being his friend and go for a while without talking to him until I get over it?

Any advice you could give me would be so helpful!

Tired of being just a great friend

Dear Tired of being just a great friend,

Maybe. No. Maybe.

More? Alright…

You’ve got all the right options on the table (mostly). When two people say they can’t commit but act like they’re committing, they’re setting themselves up for trouble. It sounds like you two have got a spark and it’s exploding into more than he was expecting. Which is generally how it happens when you meet someone that you really connect with: you weren’t planning on it.

I don’t mean to get off on a rant here, but sometimes I wonder if people are just “grass is greener” prone. A lot of us begin with the expectation that this person is going to be someone we have a serious relationship with. And we do! And then we wish we didn’t! Flip it and you get folks who ink it in blood right from the get-go that “we’re not going to date, that’s not what this will be” and then before you know it they start thinking, “but I want us to be a couple.” Just an odd observation, not necessarily the case with you. Not much ranting was accomplished, was there?

What if the case is that you want more, he wants more but is scared of wanting more, and you’re both sticking to some outdated boundaries set way back when Chuck was still the one and only Intersect (River Song: “Spoilers”)?

I’m not a big believer in keeping things bottled up. However, I’m not necessarily one of the faithful when it comes to pushing someone into doing what they don’t want to do. Which he didn’t and still might not. His life, being the way it is, doesn’t sound like it’s changing immediately. If you do decide to wait for him to come around, at what point do you have to stop waiting? How many more times can you convince yourself it’ll happen if you “wait just a little longer”?

There’s no doubt in my mind that you should be up front with him about what you want (an option you didn’t really list, did you?). Why not make another attempt at moving things forward? Especially if he’s asking things in the arena of “what are we doing here?” It’s not easy to give in and let go of what you thought was the perfect plan. There are times when we’ve got to be coaxed out of our shells. The trick is to qualify your statements with phrases like, “I’m not trying to pressure you, but I want you to know…” Yeah, it might sound like BS, and it might actually be BS, but if you want to broach the subject you’re going to have to back into it. Do you want it bad enough to go after it?

I don’t recommend just waiting around forever and hoping he gets his priorities straight. That’s just a self-destructive road to Haagen-Das. And don’t just sit quietly in the friend zone either. If you want to change things so that they’ll only be strictly platonic then a little distancing is in order. You’re wrapped up tight in this. You’d need to unwind and be on your own for a bit in order to move on.

Expectations and rules about falling for people, or how fast a relationship can progress need to be flexible. Card is subject to change as far as I’m concerned. Trying to control what should happen and how it should happen never ends well. The hardest part of falling is closing your eyes and spreading your arms. He needs to let it happen. But he won’t unless you tell him what you want, need, and aren’t getting. There’s no reason you shouldn’t try. If he won’t, then I’d take some space to get perspective and ask yourself: “What do I deserve?” The answer probably is: “Someone who’s willing to take the leap with me.”

Flash!

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Dude!

A few months ago, I finally built up every shred of courage in my being and told one of my closest friends of several years that, well, I didn’t just want to be his friend.  To be fair, I was pretty certain that his response wouldn’t be what I wanted it to be.  The problem was that I had reached a point where I needed him to know so that I could move on with my life. The hardest part was the thought that it would negatively impact our friendship.

Despite the expected response–kind, but painful to hear–he assured me that absolutely nothing would change.  A not-so-gradual distancing began to occur, and there I was again, stressing over this friendship that had meant so much to the both of us. We had one follow-up conversation, which turned out to be extremely helpful.  I got to say the things that I hadn’t clarified the first time around, and he got to confuse me further about how he really feels about the situation.

Welp, here I am, around six months later, wondering how I can possibly mend this friendship that he himself told me multiple times would last the rest of our lives. We’re still good friends, but there’s not near as much communication or connection as there used to be.

It’s hard for me to face the very possible reality that I will never move on as long as we’re friends. He’s made it perfectly clear that he does not want me to cut off communication or “give up on him,” as he calls it (cryptic, right?).  These days it can be upsetting to be around him even in a group setting and think about how we used to be attached at the hip at social gatherings.

Dude, is there any way for me to salvage this?  It feels like too much to bear to lose each other once and for all.  Thanks!

Sincerely,

Sad and Confused

Dear Sad and Confused,

Forever is a very, very, long time. In fact, it’s so long, that it’s impossible to have genuine objective perspective on its infiniteness. Especially, when you’re considering forever in the midst of an immediate emotional crisis. That’s where you are, in the middle of a storm, and I’m going to do everything I can to help you find your way out of it.

Friendships are the most precious of relationships. It’s the family you choose, after all. The people you willfully give your trust to and receive in kind. One night stands, bad boyfriends, and random mistakes will come and go but friends have a greater place of permanence in your life. So, it’s hard to accept when a friendship is evolving, or devolving, into a new phase. Which is exactly what’s happening to you.

You can’t go backwards. It’s not going to be exactly like it was. You changed the ground that your friend zone was made out of. And I applaud you for doing it. Keeping yourself bottled up is a hell of your own making that you took the necessary steps to escape. If I were wearing a hat (and I might be, you can’t be 100% sure), I’d tip it to you. But you made a move in a new direction, which meant your relationship had to move in another direction. Unfortunately, you’re not the only one steering it.

I’ve had friends that at one point in my life I didn’t think I could live without. Now, we’ll talk once a month and see each other once a year, if we’re lucky. Not because we care about each other any less than we did when we were younger but due to the fact that the courses of lives lead people in different directions to different places. It’s a hard but essential part of continuing to grow as an adult, you don’t have to lose your friends forever, but life brings with it a distance for periods of your lives.

However, here’s what’s irking the sh*t out of me. The phrase you said he used about “giving up” on him. That’s just a mindf*ck. His confusion is something you’re allowing to torment you. Don’t. You have to move forward from this. His indecision is a decision that you can deal with. So, deal with it.

There’s no reason you’ll be out of each other’s lives FOREVER. There’s every reason, good reason, too, that you’ll keep distancing yourselves from one another for a while. It’s because you need room to open yourself up to other people, to discover new things about yourself and find new strength you didn’t even realize was there. You’re not losing a connection, necessarily, I mean you might be, but rather the kind of connection you’ve got is going through some changes that it has to. Which sucks.

Look, it’s not easy, it’s scary, and feels unfair. Maybe it is. But it’s also practical and natural for the situation. You’ll make new friends and you’ll keep in touch with old ones. You’ll be okay. I promise. All it takes is the bravery to let go for now in order to hold on to each other in the long run. Seems counterintuitive, doesn’t it?

Don’t let his confusion keep confusing you about what you need to do. You’re in two different places as far as what you both want and what you’re both able to give to each other right now. That’s not a bad thing. Him leading you on, that’s a bad thing. You latching on to his indecision with false hope, that’s a bad thing. You letting the friendship take whatever shape it needs to, that’s taking care of yourself. You’ll always care about him. That’s the most important aspect of all of this. That means that even if you go 10 years before you see him next, you could sit down and pick it up again. That’s the power of being a friend.

To infinity and beyond!

Dude Lightyear

I think I blinked three times during the entire 147 minute showcase of Sex and the City 2.  I didn’t want to miss a single drool-worthy second of high fashion, I couldn’t stop fathoming how well Aiden had aged and I didn’t want to miss any of Carrie’s one-liner snippets of advice. And while soaking it all in, I noticed something else.

As we all know, each woman in SATC is incredibly different. You’ve got Samantha the sex-fiend, Miranda the serious one, Charlotte the traditionalist, and Carrie the un-traditionalist. They’re opposing forces, but they come together to make something wonderful and long lasting.

Without the extreme diversity of each woman, would the friendships embedded in Sex and the City be as interesting and strong? What if the show was based off of four friends like Samantha? Besides there being lots of ‘she-banging’ would it work?

Nope.

Think about your group of friends. If it’s anything like mine, you are all very different from one another. And that’s why you love them. We need diversity in our friendships because everyone brings a little somethin’ different to the table and you take a little from every single one. Knowing what every college girl needs in her life, I’ve compiled a list of the 6 friends every girl needs to keep around for the long haul:

1. The Motivated Friend
We all need a friend like this when you’ve been sprawled out on your couch watching E! Network all day.  You can spot this friend right away Freshman year of college. She’s the first of your friends involved in clubs on campus.  Sophomore year, she’s become the president of a club. Junior year, she has an awesome internship. Senior year, she’s landed a sweet job before you’ve even graduated. Sure, she’ll probably make you feel a little less than along the way, but she’ll also light a fire under your ass to succeed.

2. The Rock Solid Friend
She’s your BFF. The ‘go-to-gal’ you find to whine to, talk to, cry to, and who will love you and shove a bag of Doritos in your face when you need it most. She’s trustworthy and loyal.  She has so much dirt on your life you could plant a garden of your secrets (sorry, bad analogy).  You went to your first frat party together and shared your last. If all goes well (and she keeps those secrets to herself) she will be winking at you during her bridesmaid speech at your wedding.

3. The Party Friend
I also like to refer to this buddy as your wing-woman.  If you’re sitting restlessly in your room craving a night out in the town and all of your other (boring) friends aren’t going out on a Tuesday night, she is your girl. After you shoot her a ‘out tonight?’ T-bomb and wait for the ‘DUH’ response, she will be at your place, donning a mini-dress, in 30 minutes flat. She’s always up for anything, be it shotgunning beers, scoping out dudes, singing karaoke, or whatever other ridiculous ideas (“Let’s jump in the foutntain!”) you come up with as the night unfolds.

4.The Wise Friend
She may not be Buddha, but she knows pretty much everything.  She knows how to cook raw chicken, exactly what to say to the boy in a text message, and how to perfect a seriously beautiful resume. She takes you to the best happy hours, shows you the coolest internship opportunities and knows all about red wine.  She seems well beyond her years as a college student (and sometimes makes you feel like you have the IQ of a toddler), but when she’s dishing out her latest advice, it’s totally OK by you.

5. The Gossip Friend
She’s got the dish on everyone. And you want to know the dish on everyone. Match made in heaven.

6. The Warrior Friend
She will stick up for you in any situation.  She will scream at the bouncer after you got caught sneaking your own flask into the bar. She will never forgive the a-hole who stood you up back in high school. She will get up in anybody’s face for you and has pulled you out of more holes than you can count on one hand. She’ll be there through thick (think: bouncer’s necks) and thin (think: super skinny bitch who stole your man), no matter what.

Wit these six girls, you can get through anything, from the wildest party night to the worst breakup in history.

Which friend are you?

[This story was originally posted by Brittany - University of Saint Thomas.]

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’ve always admired that you don’t hold back with your advice.  I can tell by reading your columns that you are strong, thoughtful, unafraid, and independent.  These are all things that I can be, that I consider myself to be – but sometimes, it feels like all that my independence and strength is really getting me is a lot of pain.

From friends to boyfriends to ex-boyfriends, I am a huge fan of forgiveness.  I forgive people in my life partially because I’m very religious and that is a part of my faith, but also because I’ve always been able to, and shouldn’t that be a gift that I embrace?  When I can, I forgive, even if that means that I can’t throw a satisfying fit and demand that people treat me better.  However, I don’t make the mistake of forgetting.  I acknowledge the flaws of the people I love and love them in spite of those flaws, as I would expect them to do for me.  Sometimes I wonder if this mindset makes my emotions easy to ignore.

I was just broken up with two weeks ago (we dated for only 3 months), and I have been trying very hard to work towards a friendship with him, because that’s something we both want.  However, it has been very difficult for me to move forward because he repeatedly makes me feel as though what I am going through does not matter to him.  When I told him I needed to talk with him, he shrugged me off and asked if it could wait, then, a few days later, allotted me 20 minutes to talk to him – which he didn’t show up for.  I’m disturbed by his treatment of me, and worried that I have somehow unintentionally “taught” him to treat me this way.  I was very patient while we were dating, would gently tell him when he was making me feel uncared for, and accept his apologies as long as I felt that they were truly meant.  He always genuinely cared, and even though he can occasionally be oblivious to others’ needs, he is always ready to help his friends when he is aware that they need or want support.

This is why his attitude and actions towards me at the end of the relationship and now have been so off-setting – and made even more so by the fact that he told me, when he broke up with me, that I was a “phenomenal girlfriend” because I was “always easy to deal with” (we broke up because he’s graduating).  I worry that, even though I consider my ability to forgive to be a strength, it is seen by others as a weakness.

If this was an isolated incident, I would be less concerned, but I often worry about similar things with my friends.  Sometimes I just want a friend who can support me the way that I support them.  I just want to talk to someone about the tough times I’m going through with my ex-boyfriend without them expressing confusion as to why I’m still wrapped up with being upset with him, or lean on a shoulder for more than a few minutes before they find something else to do.  I see them support each other, and wonder why they won’t do that for me.  They will run to my aid, and be on my side, but it’s always very short-lived and then I can feel them rolling their eyes and wondering why I’m being such a drama queen.  This even happened when a friend of mine from high school committed suicide last August – my roommate expected me to be better the next day, and couldn’t figure out why I was focusing on how different he looked in his coffin.  After these comments, I turned inward for support.  I cried in the shower instead of where people could see.  I don’t want to do this all the time, because it makes things even harder to deal with.

As I said earlier, I can tell that you are a woman who projects strength and confidence.  Am I somehow allowing the people that I love to walk all over me by being forgiving and self-sufficient?  How do you gain respect and care from the people that you love?

Sincerely,
Independent & Alone

Dear Independent & Alone,

You did not “teach” your ex-boyfriend to be a jerk. I have a feeling he had that covered waaaaay before he met you.

I agree that your ability to forgive is a strength. Girl, when you’re mad the easiest (and weakest) thing to do is blow up at the person you’re mad at or to take it out on someone else. But you’re able to take your upset and turn it around into something positive. That is so, so amazing. We should all learn to do that.

However, there is a difference between “forgiving” and “ignoring.” When these “friends” of yours do something that upsets you, are you just pretending it didn’t happen? I mean, yes, in that way, you ARE training them to act badly.

BUT!!! This is still NOT your fault. Just because you don’t act ruffled doesn’t mean you’re not upset, and people who care about you should know this. Your example about your friend committing suicide (I’m sorry for your loss, by the way–that’s awful) is really disturbing to me–there is no way in HELL your roommate honestly thought that wasn’t a big deal, especially ONE day later. This is a person who doesn’t want to deal with your stuff, even if your stuff is rare.

Which brings me to my point, honey: You’re making the wrong friends.

I mean, okay. Let me rephrase. The friends you have are being completely insensitive. You should give them another chance, however, because, well, you’re right–you’ve been letting them think that’s okay. If there’s something bothering you, TELL THE PERSON. Explain that they’ve hurt your feelings, and THEN forgive. But don’t just ignore the whole thing and steam in silence. These people have come to expect a certain kind of behavior from you; you’ve got to TELL them when there’s a problem.

After you’ve told them and forgiven them (after they’ve apologized!)–well, that’s it. If they act insensitive to you again, you know this is a person who honestly can’t be bothered to care about your feelings. And that’s the end of that.

Don’t keep being friends with people who don’t care how you feel. Really. There’s no point. It’s like eating a raw egg that you know has salmonella.

You need to start thinking about the QUALITY of your friendships. Does someone clearly not care about your feelings? Stay acquaintances but begin to distance yourself. There’s no need to make a scene or have a huge blowout. Just start thinking about what you want in a friend and start looking for it–and stop taking substitutes.

And by the by, stop forgiving everyone just because you can. You’re not a saint, yes? Forgive people for YOURSELF if you need to–no reason to stay angry–but don’t let it become self-righteous. Because you SO do not want to be a martyr, hanging around people you’re secretly upset with. Clearly the people you’re talking about are taking advantage of your good nature and you know it, which is why you wrote. Staying close to them because you say you’ve “forgiven” them but still being secretly upset doesn’t count.

Seek out people who care about people, like you do. You’ll be SO much happier. You are just as deserving of respect and support as everyone else. Find friends who WANT to give it to you. Ashholes need not apply.

Speaking of which, your ex? Don’t be friends with him. Poop in his sock drawer and get on with your life.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Get more Tough Love right here. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.

It wouldn’t just be one friend that it would be hard to meet up with, it would be all of my friends.

College isn’t just about the classes. We’re here for four years. We make lives for ourselves. The people we spend our days with, eat lunch with, sit in class with, they become family. And next year that family will be scattered across the country. People move back home. People go to grad school. They make plans and they move on. And that’s what they’re supposed to do. That’s what they are in the process of doing. It’s what I’m in the process of doing.

But sometimes, we put so much emphasis on getting there, that we don’t stop and think about what will happen when we are there.

Relationships of all kinds are about convenience. It’s easy to stay friends with someone when you see them every Tuesday and Thursday from 9:40-11:10. It’s even easier to stay friends with someone when they live down the hall from you, eat dinner with you, take all the same classes as you. These people are a part of your life. They part of my life. Will they still be a year from now, ten years from now?

I know what you’re thinking: you’ll still be friends with the people that really matter. That’s what I’m thinking too. I’ll stay in touch with the people I care about. If both people make an effort, there’s no reason why two friends can’t stay in touch even when they barely see each other. Facebook and Twitter, texting and BBMing, and instant messaging and e-mailing have all made that possible. But think back a few years, back to the last time you graduated. Are you still friends with all those people you were hugging in your high school prom pictures?

I had a big group of friends in high school, but after we graduated, separated, became interested in different things, those friendships changed. I’m still in touch with some of them, but I’ve completely lost touch with others. It’s expected. It makes sense. Still, I can’t help but feel a twinge of disappointment every time I think about these people no longer being a part of my everyday life.

These are the friendships I’ll try to preserve. There will be late night phone calls, commenting wars, gatherings that will make up for lost time. We won’t see each other every day – it won’t be like it always was – but we’ll still be friends. I’ll make sure of it. There will be other people, though, that I won’t stay in touch with, and neither will you.  That guy in your psych class? The girl you share notes with in calculus? Those people you see every Dollar Pitcher night at the bar? You may not make plans with them or even have their numbers, but they are still there, in your life, every day.

But they won’t be for much longer

Senior year, I’m realizing, is all about the changes. As I take the necessary steps to make those changes, I can’t help but look back and think, why exactly do things have to change? Why can’t we just stay here forever?

But maybe I’m just being sentimental… or overdramatic. (I’ve been told I have a tendency to do that.) Or maybe it’s PMS?

What do you think, College Candy readers? Are friendships all about convenience? Will I stay in touch with my college friends? Or will my friendships start to dwindle as the distance between us increases? Does it matter?

Freaking out? Not ready to graduate? Let one of our resident post-grad’s give you a little real world (gr)advice.

This week, as I caught up on my favorite fall shows (and watched some Sex and the City reruns) I couldn’t help but notice a running trend: female friendships. Sure some shows were about shopping (or singing while shopping) and some were about saving lives, but at the heart of it all, were some pretty cool chicks.

The kind of best friends every girl wishes she had.
The kind of best friends that will risk their lives to help you, the kind that will stand by you through anything, the kind of best friends that will…let you raid their closet. (Hey! It’s the little things that matter.)

These girls aren’t real, but we all wish they were. So, in my first ever Weekly Ten (yeah, I’m new so get used to me!) I’ve decided to pay tribute to what I consider to be some of the best fictional BFFs out there, past and present.

10. Santana Lopez, Glee
She stood by her BFF as Brittany came to terms with the idea that Brittany S. Piers could be just as fierce as Brittney Spears. And she shared a dream sequence with her. And it was hot.

9. Phoebe Buffay, Friends
Come on, you know you want her to write an out of tune, off-key song about you.

8. Elle Woods, Legally Blonde
Even though she was in law school she still managed to take time out of her day to teach her friend the bend and snap. Now that’s true friendship.

7. Caroline Forbes, The Vampire Diaries
Did you see last week’s episode? The newly turned vampire kicked some werewolf butt while saving her best friend’s vampire boyfriend. Who does that!? A BFFAEAEAE, that’s who.

6. Veronica Mars, Veronica Mars
When her best friend was brutally murder she didn’t just get mad, she got even.  Nothing stopped her from knowing the truth, not even being trapped in a freezer and left to burn.

5. Hermione Granger, Harry Potter
The girl leaves behind her family and her friends to help Harry fight the Dark Lord. (Shut up. No, I won’t say his name. And yes, I know my inner geek is showing.)

4. Cristina Yang, Grey’s Anatomy
She operated on her best friend’s husband while there was  a gun to her head. Best. BFF. Ever.

3. Lorelei Gilmore, Gilmore Girls
Not only was she Rory’s best friend, but she was also the coolest mom a girl could ever have. She did everything for her daughter, from helping her study Shakespeare to helping her find her favorite hangover food. That’s love.

2. Blair Waldorf, Gossip Girl
Okay, so maybe you don’t want to be one of her minions. Or on the receiving end of her “Blair Waldorfing.” But she and Serena? They’re the real deal. Next time Blair heads off to Paris for the summer, can she take me with her instead?

1. Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City
Big said it best when he told her friends, “You girls are the loves of her life. A guy’s just lucky to come in third.”

Who are your favorite TV/movie BFFs?
And is it just me, or do you want to find your own BFFs and give them a big ol’ hug?

Got a special place in your heart for top 10 lists? We do and we’ve got some doozies.  Get ‘em all out right here.

Question for La Tuff? Send it to TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have found myself in a tough situation. My best friend of three years recently sent me a Facebook message out of the blue telling me that she no longer wishes to be friends or in contact with me. Her reasoning was that being friends with me causes her “too much stress” and she has been thinking about it “for the last two months.” The two examples she gave of me causing her stress were when I got annoyed at her at a party (when she was being rude to the host) and when I got angry at her for, at the last second, choosing to go to a job over helping me move (she had only told me that if I wanted her help, I would have to pay her $200, a statement which I found childish).

Tuffy, these were two small fights that we had already discussed and (I thought) had resolved. I had thought everything was fine up until a week ago, when she stopped contacting me. My mother had even treated us to see a musical in the city the Sunday before! Until now, she had always discussed when she was getting irritated at me; she’s a very frank and open person who has never hesitated to tell me when I’ve said or done something stupid, so I have been completely blown out of the water at this sudden change.

I’ve been very confused and hurt, and it’s been sending me into a depression. I had a lot of problems with depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies when I was younger, and basically had no real friendships until around the time I met her, all of which she has known for years. She told me that I should no longer contact her, and even told our other friends not to tell me about a party she was having (one she had already invited me to, before she stopped contacting me). We had plans to travel abroad over winter vacation and she was going to come to my family’s Thanksgiving (for the 3rd year in a row). Why continue making plans with me if she had been thinking of dropping me as a friend? Why pretend everything was perfectly fine, then drop a bomb on me like this? I’ve never been in such a confusing and hurtful situation like this before, and have no idea where to begin to handle it if she refuses to even speak to me.

-Confused, Hurt, and Betrayed

Dear Confused, Hurt, and Betrayed,

What kind of “BEST FRIEND” sends a FACEBOOK message to end the friendship?! Who she think she is?!

Floop her. Floop her right in the ear. This is a totally ridiculous situation. I mean, I get a lot of emails similar to this one about friendships not working out. But ending things with a best friend via Facebook is a new one for Tuffs.

Okay, let’s back it up.

This girl is a person, right, so she’s allowed to end friendships with whoever she wants. I mean, it’s up to her who she wants to be around. But if you’ve been best friends for years, she owes you more of an explanation. Out of the blue, after making future plans with you, she says, oops, never mind, don’t wanna be near you any more, don’t look at me, don’t contact me, hell, don’t even think about me. That is NOT adult behavior. She should have at least talked it out with you over a coffee or something.

Buuuuut she didn’t. So. There that is.

You know, it’s especially messed up since she knew about your trouble making friends. She knows this will really hurt you, and I bet that’s why she’s doing it this way. For whatever reason, she WANTS to hurt you.

Which, of course, brings us to the part of the answer you DON’T want to hear. I gotta be honest with you, chances are you did something to really piss her off, and it was probably your fault. It’s a pretty major thing to tell your former best friend you don’t even want to have CONTACT. Try to think–is there anything you might have done that offended or upset her?

And, again, you do have trouble making friends. At a certain point, you have to ask yourself: what am I doing wrong and how can I fix it? What keeps you from making friends? Chances are, it’s related to what made this girl throw a Facebook restraining order at you.

Which is not to say this is your fault. Because it’s not. Girl’s a meanybeany. But I think you should let this friendship drop and try to use it as a learning experience to help you meet better friends. Which, by the way, you can only do by being a good friend yourself.

Bottom line: Leave her behind, do a little thinking about what you might have done and what you can do better next time, and move on with your life.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv