I love food.

I also really love sex.

What can be better than enjoying my two loves at the same time? (The answer is: nothing). That is why I have compiled a list of sex-edible items – some conventional, some a little less so – for your holiday enjoyment. Disclaimer: I have not personally tried all of these, so you may want to try them out on a stain-proof surface such as a tarp or your grandmother’s plastic-covered couch. I’m just sayin’.

Whipped Cream

Pro: It’s a simple, fun, classic sex food that leaves minimal mess.

Con: Too much consumption may give you or your partner a tummy ache.

Hot Fudge

Pro: It’s warm, gooey, and absolutely delicious.

Con: I tried Hershey’s syrup once, and it stained my sister’s sheets. Also, it takes an unusually high number of licks to get it off your partner’s body. You can decide if that’s a good or bad thing.

Sushi

Pro: It’s easy to pop in your mouth and doesn’t leave much behind. Plus, Samantha tried it in the Sex and the City movie, which is just cool.

Con: Two words: fish smell. And there’s always the looming possibility of food poisoning if you leave it out too long.

Candy Jewelry

Pro: Having your partner nibble on your neck – or thigh, if you wear it as a garter – is always a good time.

Con: There are limited locations where candy jewelry can be placed. At least until they patent my friend Jordan’s invention of candy-clasped bras and underwear (genius, right?).

Ice Cream

Pro: Temperature sensations are always good, especially cold ice cream in a warm room. And you can pick any flavor you want!

Con: Sticky icky icky. And once it melts you have no idea which direction it’ll run.

Hershey’s Kisses

Pro: They’re delicious and they melt in your mouth, not on your bod. Make a trail with them and find your way back, Gretel. (Not exactly bread crumbs, but they work.)

Con: Candy (and other) wrappers leave a lot of evidence.

Cookie Dough

Pro: Everybody loves cookie dough. Also, you can chill or warm them up depending on your temperature preference.

Con: Like sushi, food poisoning may be a risk. Salmonella, anyone?

Frosting

Pro: It’s sweet, spreadable, and lickable. This is the top of my list to try over the holidays.

Cons: Like anything else sweet, it may be sticky. You may just have to take a shower afterwards. Now that I think of it, that may be more of a pro than a con….

Men are always complaining about women and PMS and all that jazz. To which I respond by hitting them…and then eating a candy bar. They just don’t understand; it’s not our fault that our hormones go completely nuts every month and make us want to scream/laugh/cry/murder someone/eat a cake in the span of about 4 minutes.

But maybe now they do?

According to Jed Diamond, there is a new syndrome being seen in men with symptoms similar to those of a PMS-y woman: Irritable Man Syndrome. Diamond claims this disorder sets in at about the same age as women go through menopause (40-55), but I am convinced it is affecting our college boys too…and not just on those days when their favorite football team just lost a big game.

While you may be tempted to dump this dude’s ass for his strange (and pathetic) behavior, you should be patient: it’s clinical and he, like you, just can’t help it.

Below are 5 signs your man is in the throes of Irritable Man Syndrome.

1. You find him next to his mini fridge eating frosting out of the tub with a spoon. He may or may not be crying.

2. He weeps silently at Jiff commercials.

3. He snaps at you when you offer to help him with his Stats homework. “WHAT?! You think I can’t handle it on my own!?”

4. He’s never in the mood for sex anymore. Not even on the dryer. Not even when you are wearing that sexy low-cut top he used to love so much. Not even when you invite another girl into the mix.

5. He would rather watch The Notebook alone than go to a football game with you.

If you find your man in any or all of the above situations, just sit tight. It will all be over soon….at least for this month.

Sure, people may run away screaming in horror, but there are just some weird food combinations that you can’t help but want. Stop hiding out in your bedroom dipping the pretzels in frosting; embrace that delicacy! (Seriously – that sh*t is good!) Your friends probably have some weird cravings too.

Gross Foods That Are Actually Delicious

1. Ketchup With Everything. To me, ketchup is its own food group. And while I slather this tomato paste on fries, hamburgers, and hotdogs, I like eating the stuff with mashed potatoes too. My friends think it’s disgusting and can’t stand to watch me eat it, but ketchup and mashed potatoes together are seriously delicious (and it is not that far off from putting that stuff on fries!). I have also seen people put ketchup in chicken noodle soup and or those who slather it on a slice of pizza. Delish.

2. Unnatural Dippers. One time when my friends and I were drunk we began a rabid scavenger hunt throughout the house in search of food. Since none of us could drive (drinking and driving is always a no), we were forced to eat whatever we could find. In this case it was some Teddy Grahams and McDonald’s barbeque sauce.  We could have used the excuse “Oh, I was drunk” when we found the leftovers on the counter the next morning, but instead we just dug right in again. And it was still good. Also good: chocolate chips in salsa and just about anything dipped in buttercream.

3. Anything That Can be Made Into a Sandwich. I think my sandwich eating habits are pretty normal. I occasionally dip tuna salad sandwiches in ketchup, but that’s about it. My boyfriend, however, loves putting roasted peppers and cheese on a bagel sandwich. I’ve also seen people mix tuna sandwiches (delicious) with peanut butter (not so delicious), and someone even pour a Wendy’s Frosty onto her hamburger. I haven’t really tried the last one, but Frosty=good, so how bad could that be?

Now that I’ve admitted to some weird eating habits think what you want about them, but don’t knock it till you try it. With an extra side of ketchup.

What are some of the weird foods you love?

And then…the morning sets in.

Hellooooo hangover.

What the hell? Why create something so great that turns into something so…painful? If only there were shots out there that would be totally delicious and wonderful but not cause my room to spin/head to pound/body to crave bacon the next morning.

Good news!

I know you won’t believe me when I tell you this, but there are! Just read on, little ladies.

Frosting shots, the newest wave to hit the bakery scene since the cupcake made its return, are here! Sure, they aren’t quite the same as your favorite barside beverages, but they are small, delicious and make you feel super-dee-duper the next morning. No hangovers here – just sugary bliss.

There IS a god.

I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who doesn’t love funfetti. Whether it’s in cake form or cupcake form, there’s just something about the colorful cake and frosting that’s enough to bring anyone back to their childhood. But now that we’re a bit older, maybe it’s time for us to set aside the box and start making baked goods from scratch. Right?

When I found a recipe for funfetti cupcakes, I was extremely excited and made them immediately.

What you’ll need for funfetti cupcakes:

1/2 cup milk

3 large egg whites

1 tsp vanilla extract

1/4 tsp almond extract

1 1/4 cups all purpose flour

1 cup sugar

1/2 tsp salt

2 tsp baking powder

6 tbsp butter, soft

2 tbsp rainbow sprinkles

To make the cupcakes:

Preheat oven to 350F.

Line a 12-cup muffin tin with paper liners.

In a measuring cup, whisk together milk, egg whites and extracts. Set aside

In the bowl of an electric mixer (or a large bowl if you prefer to work by hand), combine flour, sugar, salt and baking powder. Stir to combine. Cut in butter with the paddle attachment at low speed (or cut in by hand), until mixture is coarse and sandy. Add milk mixture and beat at medium speed for 1 1/2 minutes. Scrape sides of bowl and continue beating for 20-30 seconds. Stir in sprinkles.

Divide batter evenly into prepared tin. Bake for for 15 minutes, or until a tester comes out clean.

Remove from pan and cool completely on a wire cooling rack before frosting.

Makes 12.

*Special note — use the elongated sprinkles and not the round ones. The round ones will bleed into the batter, creating a colorful cake, but no funfetti effect!

What you need for the marshmallow frosting:

1 1/2 cups sugar

2 large egg whites

1/3 cup water

2 teaspoons light corn syrup

1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

And how to make the frosting:

Whisk sugar, egg whites, 1/3 cup water, light corn syrup, and cream of tartar in large metal bowl to blend. Set bowl over saucepan of barely simmering water (do not allow bottom of bowl to touch simmering water). Using handheld electric mixer, beat on medium speed until mixture resembles soft marshmallow fluff, about 4 minutes.

Increase mixer speed to high and beat until mixture is very thick, about 3 minutes longer. Remove bowl from over simmering water. Add vanilla extract and continue beating until marshmallow frosting is completely cool, about 5 minutes longer.

When cool, frost cupcakes and add more sprinkles, if desired.

And voila! You’re transported right back to your childhood with these fun, rainbow sprinkled cupcakes. And oh. my. god. the marshmallow frosting is out of this world.

As if I needed a reason to add another candle to my Sedaris shrine, Amy has also got the best recipe for cupcakes, ever. The directions are easy, the cupcakes taste good, and the way the recipe is written is pure Sedaris.

Amy Sedaris’ Cupcakes

1 1⁄2 sticks of unsalted butter

1 3⁄4 cups of sugar

Beat well, then add:

2 large eggs

2 Teaspoons of pure vanilla

1⁄2 teaspoon of salt

2 1⁄2 teaspoons of baking powder

2 1⁄2 cups of flour

1 1⁄4 cups of milk

Beat well, fill cups, and bake at 375 degrees for 18-20 minutes. You should get 24. I get 18, ’cause I’m doing something wrong.

Frosting

1 stick of unsalted butter

1 box of Domino confectionery sugar

1⁄4 cup half-and-half

1 teaspoon of pure vanilla

Whip for a while, color if you want.

I have a dating nightmare story that is, I think, something of a urban legend. That is to say, I’ve never actually met anyone else to whom this has happened; sure, I have friends who have friends who know someone who has gone through this, and I’ve no doubt they exist, but I’ve never encountered these people personally.

I always sort of had the feeling that my ex was still in love with his ex girlfriend, but it would never really sink in. I suppose that I felt like I was the heroine in the movie version of my relationship, not the other woman (or, I guess, man)-that’s-totally-wrong-for-him-but-still-has-a-good-heart (AKA, James Mardsen in The Notebook, James Mardsen in Superman Returns, James Marsden in Enchanted and James Marsden in X-Men). But I was so the James Marsden and therefore I wasn’t at all surprised when I let myself in to my ex’s house (with the key he had given me with the understanding that I would meet him at his house that night–great timing, douchebag) to see him doing the mommy-daddy dance with said ex-girlfriend.

I turned around and left without screaming or throwing anything and felt myself crying but I couldn’t really make my heart feel what my mind was obviously feeling. “What the f*ck is wrong with you?” My brain would scream, “You just walked in on him having sex with another woman. A woman he obviously cares about way more than you.”

I did cry as I called my best friend and even went out and got drunk and cried some more but still, something was strange, I felt strange. I didn’t realize what it was until the next morning.

I wasn’t devastated. I was relieved. My suspicions were confirmed, I was so right and I was so…free. I had been holding on to this guy, trying to prove to myself that I could be special and make him care about me and I had been so, so wrong. And he, in his infinite wisdom, I’m sure, had given me a clean out.

It’s still a fun story to tell at parties and people have a hard time believing me when I tell them how great the experience was, as a whole. I think it speaks to this mindset that women have, that we are already pre-wired to react to certain situations in certain ways. When we see our exes bumpin fuzzies with someone else, it is supposed to be a life-stopping event. We are supposed to lock ourselves in our rooms with a can of frosting and watch James Marsden being cuckolded until we feel better about ourselves.

But why can’t these stereotypically devastating events be cathartic? A relationship baptism? I felt better after seeing my ex do the humpty dance with his ex (who he was really meant to be with) than I ever felt in our actual relationship.

I think it’s because I realized that all those feelings of inadequacy, of self doubt that the relationship had instilled within me, were all self imposed and therefore somehow less true. He didn’t want to be with me because of me so much as he was crazy about someone else. And even if he wasn’t crazy about me, that was his problem, not mine.

Am I saying that everyone should go out and get slapped across the face with their lover’s infidelity? Not at all. In fact, it’s not something I would ever wish on anyone else. I am saying that these horrible moments in our relationships have good sides too, sides we shouldn’t be remiss in noticing.

[have you had an experience like Jessica? Did you come out on top, or on the emotional bottom?]