Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so take off those (faux) Burberry ear muffs and tune in.

(Two guys, on a day trip to farm)

Guy 1: Look! A bunch of cows!
Guy 2: Herd of cows!
Guy 1: Of course I’ve heard of cows!
Guy 2: No, no! A cow herd!
Guy 1: What do I care if a cow heard? I never said anything I shouldn’t have!

(Girl and guy, walking.)

Girl: I’m starving. Let’s get burgers.
Guy: Fur burgers?

(Guy, girl, in a restaurant.)

Guy: I’ve heard from Davis and Florida State.

Girl: Wait, Florida State? Where’s that?

(Two girls, walking around an art museum.)

Girl 1: I didn’t think people wore dresses like that back then.

Girl 2: I didn’t know people knew what boobs were back then.

(Two guys, waiting in a restaurant.)

Guy 1: Man, if I don’t eat something soon, I’m gonna eat someone.

Guy 2: S—.

Guy 1: Didn’t say it had to be you.

(Girl, on the phone at a bus stop.)

Girl: Why are you apologizing? I’m the one who’s making out with your roommate!

(Two girls, watching women’s basketball in the lounge.)

Girl 1: I don’t think we can lose.

Girl 2: Depends. Can they shoot 3-point shots from the bathroom?

Girl 1: That’s gotta be a euphemism for something.

(Two girls, browsing a bookstore.)

Girl 1: … Yeah, me too. We fit like hand and glove.

Girl 2: Like Batman and Superman.

Girl 1: Like Batman in Superman.

Girl 2: Yes.

(Girl, on the phone at a party.)

Girl: Look … okay, I’m really too drunk to break up with you right now. Can we just do this tomorrow? Okay. Love you, bye.

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so take off those (faux) Burberry ear muffs and tune in.

(Middle-aged lady on the phone, at a bus stop.)

Lady: They fed me. It was like … an orgy. And it was like a lighthouse, guiding all the ships through the night. I was one of those ships.

(High schoolers, playing cards at a coffee shop.)

Girl 1: Okay. What’s on that one?

Guy: Tampons.

Girl 2: What? Why the hell would pirates want tampons?

Guy: To go with the weasels.

(Loud cheering, outside a window.)

Guys: Vinny … P! Vinny… P! VINNY… P! YEAH!

Other guy: Yeah! Who the f— is Vinny P!

(Girl, talking to her friends at a party.)

Girl 1: I can’t believe Jersey Shore is so popular.

Girl 2: Oh my god, are you kidding? That show makes me believe in god.

(Girl, texting in class.)

Girl (checks phone): Oh my god, I hate my boyfriend.

Other girl: What’d he send you?

Girl: “Quarter pounder with large fry.”

(Girl, singing along to karaoke in the student union.)

Girl: Gettin’ pretty hungry, gotta go to that McDonalds. Sh*ttin’ in my Yankees cap like no one but a Yankee can. … In NEW YORK!

(Two girls, in the movie store.)

Girl 1: I thought Batman wasn’t allowed to kill anyone.

Girl 2: He doesn’t. He just caresses them gently, in his strong arms, until they go to sleep.

(Girl, on the phone.)

Girl: Uh, just so you know, that pee in the bed last night was yours, not mine…. Yeah I’m sure…. No as soon as I heard that coming out I grabbed my pants and ran out…. Yeah, I’ll need to come get my bra later.

(Group of guys, eating dinner in a dining hall.)

Guy 1: Oh, ew. What is that?

Guy 2: I’m covered in stink wax.

Guy 1: What?

Guy 2: I farted.

(Two guys, checking out at a grocery store late on a Saturday night.)

Cashier: Just juice, huh? Seems like everyone needs juice tonight.

Guy: Yeah. That’s it.

Cashier: Got lots of vitamins. Good for you. Not sure why ping-pong’s always so popular on weekends, though.

(Two guys, watching a computer monitor in an office.)

Guy 1: Well, that’s not that weird. I mean, my mom would probably do that if she had a camera.

Guy 2: No, no, wait. Just wait.

Guy 1: Oh. Oh, wow. Okay.

(Loud girl, loud guy, at a party.)

Girl: They call me Funny Erika!

Guy: I don’t get it.

Girl: ‘Cause I make people laugh.

Guy: Huh. Okay. Waiting.

Girl: Sorry, let’s talk after I get a few more shots in me.

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so get listening.

(Girl, guy at a basketball game.)

Girl: Oh, man, I can almost taste that KFC.

Guy: No. No, do not taste it.

(Girl, two guys at a party.)

Guy 1: Well, I mean, like, I’ve never done … water sports.

Girl: Water sports? What’s water sports?

Guy 2: You know, like, swimming, diving, water-skiing.

Guy 1: Uh, dude.

(Girl, taking a call outside a party.)

Girl: That porn star isn’t even cute ! . . . I mean I bet she knows what she’s doing, but no way.

(Two girls, eating dinner in a Chinese restaurant.)

Girl 1: There once was a man from Nantucket.

Girl 2: Who got his head stuck in a bucket.

Girl 1: Then he died in that bucket.

(Girls, talking during lunch.)

Girl 1: Apollo.

Girl 2: How about Poseidon?

Girl 1: No, I feel like that’s asking for trouble. Achilles.

Girl 2: Even worse.

Guy (coming over): What’s up?

Girl 1: Naming vibrators.

(Two guys, in the lunchroom.)

Guy 1: I’ll give you a hint. His name rhymes with Awesome.

Guy 2: Plawsome.

Guy 1: No.

(Guys, watching TV in the dorm lounge.)

Guy 1: I like this commercial. It’s cute.

Guy 2: How about “There will always be babies. There will always be … death. See this baby? It’s gonna die.”

Guy 1: “You will also die. Thank you for your attention.”

(Girl and a guy, eating in an Italian restaurant.)

Girl: Remember all those friends from home?

Guy: You know, I realize they weren’t my friends really.

Girl: Yeah, more like big drugs with legs.

(Two girls, in the grocery store seafood section.)

Girl 1: I don’t know. How do you even sedate a lobster?

Girl 2: Boil it for a few seconds. Just give it something to think about.

(Girl, guy, talking in a coffee shop.)

Girl: Can you even have a lint fetish?

Guy: Yeah, sure. You know what, let me check my belly button right now.

(Girl, other girl, at a basketball game.)

Girl 1: Can we trash-talk something nice? I don’t wanna be mean.

Girl 2: Hey Duke! Your coach looks like Sam Eagle!

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over to us to put in next week’s post.

(Guy, two girls, at dining hall breakfast.)

Guy: You girls don’t need your buns toasted, do you?

Girl 1: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.

Girl 2: Heh heh. No.

Guy: I was talking about the hot dog buns.

(Girl, on the phone, on a campus thoroughfare.)

Girl: I wish you didn’t have a penis!

(Beat)

Girl: Well, then I wish you would stop jerking off in the shower!

(Girl, talking to other girl, outside classrooms.)

Girl: He’s my boyfriend. So cute!

Girl 2: He’s my boyfriend too. I just wanna eat him up, spit him back out and eat him up again.

(Girl, complaining to other girls about something.)

Girl: Are you kidding me? That bitch! I’m sick of her. That bitch, be like, ‘bitch! Your head’s gone!’

(Guy, girl, shopping in an electronics store.)

Guy: If there were a game I’d have sex with, it’d probably be this one.

Girl: That’s gross.

(Beat)

Girl: I guess I would too, though.

(Guy, before class.)

Guy: You know, I just love it. Ribbons of blood! It’s a beautiful thing.

(Two guys, at party.)

Guy 1: Who wants do a shot with me!

Guy 2: Of what?

Guy 1: Wait, let me read the bottle. It’s … my urine!

(Two guys, talking at a concert.)

Guy 1: I don’t really like Rihanna. I’ve always like Chris Brown better. I guess that’s pretty insensitive to say, though, huh.

Guy 2: I don’t think so. I think it’s only insensitive if he’s sitting in the car behind you.

(Girl, guy, walking around a Barnes and Noble.)

Guy: I don’t get what’s so special about Josh Groban.

Girl: *chuckle*

Guy: I mean, what?

Girl: Ask your parents. They can tell you when you’re older.

(Two guys, shopping for groceries.)

Guy 1: How’s your meat.

Guy 2: Pretty spongey.

(Two girls, talking at a party.)

Girl 1: He was kind of a third wheel, right?

Girl 2: Fifth wheel. Seventh wheel. That wheel that goes flying out of the car wreck on fire after everyone dies.

(Three guys, at the bar.)

Guy 1: You going to the show with us tonight?

Guy 2: Not sure. Dunno.

Guy 1: What, you wanna stay here? And let this loser get you sick?

Guy 3: Oh, he told you about that?

Guy 1: What?

Guy 3: I’m sick. I’m dying.

Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!Leave your own overheard convos in the comments or send ‘em over!

(Guys, walking through a grove on-campus.)

Guy: Nice day… birds, blue skies, not a cloud in sight. Yup. This rock looks pretty good to take a crap on.

(Older student, talking to high schooler on campus tour.)

Student: There’s actually a statistic, I think, something like 30 percent of the liquid of water parks is urine.

High schooler: Yeah, that sounds pretty reasonable. That’s about right.

Student: What the f***? No it’s not! That would be disgusting!

(Guy, preparing Mexican food.)

Guy: I love cilantro. It makes everything taste like it’s just been rinsed in a mountain waterfall.

(Old lady, talking to students at the thrift store.)

Lady: That foot locker can be used as both storage and a coffee table!

Student: I’m sorry, but it’s hideous. We’re not buying it.

(Crowd of girls, playing Jeopardy.)

Girl: Wait. Chinese god of war… who was also a god of literature. That must be Gandhi, right?

Girl 2: Yeah, I think so.

(A guy, losing it on the phone.)

Guy: No, no. That’s too late. I need to get tested now.

(Guy, alone on a computer.)

Guy: Hey! You can’t say “boobs” on the Internet!

(Two guys, talking in the Student Union.)

Guy 1: So how was the camping trip?

Guy 2: It was fine. The deer stole all our graham crackers.

Guy 1: The cutest little larcenists!

(Girl, furious.)

Girl: Damnit! I have to Tide-to-Go my boob.

(Middle-aged man on the phone.)

Man: Fir trees are the only type of tree known to give live birth.

(Father and children, talking to a park ranger)

Father: It was like, you know, poop – kinda mushy, but with some green bits in it. Berries, maybe seeds.  Do you think it could have been bear poop?

Child: Dad, please, just show the ranger our permit.

Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!Leave your own overheard convos in the comments or send ‘em over!

(Girl, gesturing wildly to her friends.)

Girl: It’s Reverse Nursing! You suck babies in through your nipples!

(Guy, talking to his angry girlfriend on a park bench.)

Guy: What’s wrong with “Royal Buffet?” That’s where I went on my 21st birthday.

(Guy and a girl, talking in a bookstore.)

Guy: I checked it out, and it’s bigger than the girls’.

Girl: “Bigger than the girls” sounds like some terrible euphemism for something.

(Two guys at the Salvation Army.)

Guy 1: That old woman took the ugliest chair in the universe.

Guy 2: Maybe she needed it for fuel.

(Two guys, looking at a very tall rock.)

Guy 1: I don’t know, I think I’m counting on adrenaline to get me over.

Guy 2: Like, you’ll shoot adrenal fluid out your butt so fast that it causes you to fly?

(Two girls, at a sobriety checkpoint.)

Officer: Where are you girls off to?

Girl 1: Nowhere. Just carrying tons of booze around in our car for no reason.

Officer: That’s not funny, you know.

Girl 1: Sorry, Officer.

(Man waiting in an office.)

Man: *points at desk picture* Is that your son? I think I’ve seen him somewhere.

Woman at desk: I’m sorry? Yes. It is.

Man: I’m not sure, I only got a glimpse before he turned around and started making out with some girl. He’s very attractive.

Woman: … Thank you?

(Girl, making plans on the phone.)

Girl: We’re trying to do a beach trip on Saturday.

(beat)

Girl: No, I don’t know what the weather’s gonna be like. Can’t we check it when we get there?

(Big, bearded guy walking by another guy in a hardware store.)

Beard guy: *leaning over, muttering* Hey… hey. It’s insanity.

Other guy: What?

Beard guy: *keeps walking*

(Girls hiking on a forest trail.)

Girl: Doesn’t it seem like everything fun is illegal?

Girl 2: Yeah, or else it’s already on fire.

(Guy on the phone.)

Guy: My roommates are just such… big, mean, round gay monkeys!

[Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!Leave your own overheard convos in the comments or send ‘em over!]

(Two guys, relaxing in a student lobby.)

Guy 1: Hulk Hogan is a country.  He’s the world’s largest importer of rice paper shirts.

Guy 2: Guess that explains everything.

(Older woman, on the phone.)

Woman: What could we buy Dad that he doesn’t already have? … How about a loving daughter?

(pause)

Woman: Oh, honey, I was kidding.

(pause)

Woman: Hey! I said I was kidding! It was a joke!

(pause)

Woman: No. Don’t hang up. I’ll apologize. I’m sorry, honey.

(Guy chasing a mosquito around with newspaper. Girl watching.)

Guy 1: Get back here, mosquito. You’re going to mosquito school. At mosquito school, you die.

Girl: He paid a lot of money to go to mosquito school!

(Two girls, looking at each other’s cell phones.)

Girl 1: What does it do?

Girl 2: It doesn’t really work. The battery sucks and I get service, like, nowhere. It cost 80 bucks, and it plays the Tootsie Roll song.

Girl 1: Totally worth it.

Girl 2: It’s funny how true that is.

(Guys turn around as another enters a party.)

Guy 1: Oh, sh*t, it’s chili schnapps guy. Don’t bring that sh*t here.

Guy 2: What are you talking about? This is peach schnapps.

Guy 1: No foolin’ me, man. That’s straight up chili .

(Guy on the phone in a Chinese restaurant.)

Guy: Yeah, brother, get ready to whip it out. We’re gonna play some video games.

(Heard in the background of a cell phone conversation.)

Drunk guy: Who are you calling? Is he a slut? You’d better be calling a slut, honey!

(Two girls at a sexual consent workshop, oddly enough.)

Girl 1: No Hulk Sex.

Girl 2: Definitely not.

Girl 1: Like, that’s some scary stuff. Huge muscles.

Girl 2: Uh-huh.

Girl 1: Because, you know, it’s like what the Hulk does. When he Hulks out.

Girl 2: Right. I get it. Can we stop talking about this?

(Girl, walking in a group by the road.)

Girl: Holy s***! The trees are taking off! They’re f***ing flying away!

(Girl in Starbucks, talking earnestly to two male listeners.)

Girl: Bodies are crazy. You know, they can move, breathe, even talk for days after dying.

Guy: S***.

Girl: Yeah, it’s weird. Mozart actually composed his last symphony while clinically dead.

Other guy: Geez. Wow.

[Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!Leave your own overheard convos in the comments or send ‘em over!]

(A crazy guy on campus trying to sell joke books.)

Crazy guy: Does college make you want to sh*t your pants?

Scared freshman: Um … no?

(A professor, reminiscing in-class.)

Professor: I just, you know, kinda grab nearby papers sometimes. I have many squirrel-like tendencies. That’s what my mom said.

(Girl, angry, on the phone.)

Girl: … because you’ve got the personality of a tennis ball! A tennis ball with acne!

(Girl, complaining to her friends.)

Girl: I mean… okay, how often do two sorority chicks turn into one Asian guy named Steve?

(Students reading papers.)

Guy 1: Oh, cool. Campus Cargo Cults for Christ. Check it out.

Guy 2: Oh, woah! Seriously?

Guy 1: No, dumbass.

Guy 2 (crestfallen): Oh. Too bad.

(Girl, poking her head out of a bathroom door)

Girl: Hey! Does anyone want to join me in the bathroom?

(Professor and students in a class.)

Professor: Are you going to be taking a seat?

Guy (leaning on windowsill): Nah, I think I’m fine here.

Professor: Okay. You know, you’re going to do great things.

(Guy, at a birthday party.)

Birthday Guy: I can’t believe I’m 23. It’s like, this … this pudding, right here, with a cookie in it. That’s 23. Cookie pudding.

(Two guys on an apartment balcony.)

Guy: It’s true. Watch this. (Yelling.) I JUST JIZZED ON A BOAT! (Turns back to friend.) See? I’m totally safe.

(A woman, on the phone in the parking lot.)

Woman: I don’t want my neighbors to think I’m creepy. All I do is sit in my car and smoke boys up.

(Girl and guy, yelling in a noisy gym.)

Girl: Woman climbers usually use their legs more, since they don’t have the same arm strength.

Guy: Yeah. Oh, I get it. You guys always need to be tied up.

Girl: Excuse me?

Guy: Sorry, I’m not sure what you said.

(Two guys, walking through campus.)

Guy 1: You eating anything exciting tonight?

Guy 2: Nah, you know. I’m gonna wrestle a manatee.

[Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!Leave your own overheard convos in the comments or send ‘em over!]

(At a Starbucks.)

Girl: So this is the only gin joint in town, huh?

Barista: No. This is a Starbucks.

(Two guys on move-out day, carrying cases of beer.)

Guy 1: Man, we’re gonna fill up an entire recycling bin.

RA, poking head out of room: Excuse me?

Guy 2: No, don’t worry, it’s okay. These are full of urine.

(Guy, in a bookstore cafe.)

Guy: Agh, this isn’t iced coffee. This is … nice coffee. And by that I mean not-nice coffee.

(In a sociology class.)

Professor: I know I say all these bad things about corporations, but I’m telling you – I’m not a Communist!

(Two guys, in front of a computer.)

Guy 1: So wait, who gets out alive?

Guy 2: Well, not No-Legs. He’s probably screwed.

(Girl, leaving a party.)

Girl: Picking people up should be an Olympic sport. I’d be the equivalent of, like, a 13-year old Chinese gymnast.

(Two guys, at the gym.)

Guy 1: Okay. What should I do now?

Guy 2: Well, that depends. Where don’t you hurt yet?

Guy 1: My penis. I’m kidding. Well, not really.

(Guys in the hallway, one with a grocery bag.)

Guy 1: They’re doing a food collection in the lobby.

Guy 2: Oh, cool. Do they take mold?

(Two girls in front of a mirror.)

Girl 1: My chin is huge.

Girl 2: No, that’s just a bad angle. Turn a bit. You don’t even notice it!

Girl 1: You’re looking at the back of my head.

(Girl, walking down the street.)

Girl: Any homeless people around? I got extra teeth in my head!

(Three guys at a dance.)

Guy 1: Yo, check out the guy in the khakis and New Balance. That’s rough.

Guy 2: Yeah. Like, I don’t want to watch, but I have to, you know?

Guy 3: Mm, yup. That’s my little brother for you.

(A woman sitting in the corner booth of a diner.)

Woman:  I came home, and someone replaced all the squirrels in my yard with chipmunks! Overnight! They’re way cuter, I guess, but maybe I should call somebody.

[Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!Leave your own overheard convos in the comments or send ‘em over!]

(Guy, stalking around office, exasperated.)

Guy: And nobody here knows what a cloaca is? Seriously? You guys need to get out more.

(Two girls at a dining hall table.)

Girl 1: It’s not like that. If you put anything in a crust, it’s a pie. That’s a pie.

Girl 2: What about cheesecake? Cheesecake has a crust.

Girl 1: No it doesn’t.

Girl 2: Have you ever had cheesecake? Have you even seen a cheesecake? This is a problem, like, for us. For you and me.

(Guy, bothering another guy outside a door.)

Guy 1: No, dude, no, that’s not cool.

Guy 2: C’mon, man. I gotta be your guest. Just for like, thirty seconds. You gotta let me be your guest, c’mon.

Guy 1: No! That’s stupid! Crazy!

(Girl, on the phone.)

Girl: Okay, what’s the office rule? No drinking? Or was it two people… only two people? Oh. Two people have to be sober. Okay, I’ll be there in a minute.

(Girl, reading paper, incredulous.)

Girl: Six shots? Over fifteen hundred calories? What are you shooting, Kahlua?

Girl 2: Pure chocolate fudge.

Girl 3: Deep-fried fudge-flavored lard.

(A guy slams his hands down on a table.)

Guy: No! Your life sucks because you couldn’t do a barrel roll!

(Guy, in line at Starbucks.)

Guy: Okay, not to hate on my boss, you know. No offense. But she’s an idiot, she gets distracted, she’s loud, she has no sense of humor and I can’t stand working with her. She makes my job so much harder than it should be. No offense.

(Guy, talking to a girl.)

Girl: They had those four-liter things. You want that?

Guy: Jeez. Four liters of wine. Why don’t we stop measuring in liters and start measuring in ‘how many couches I’m gonna light on fire.’

(Two guys in dining hall.)

Guy 1: Check it out. Steroid burger.

Guy 2: What?

Guy 1 (Completely seriously): Steroid burger. Like, with steroids.

(Submitted from a reader: Two girls reading a sign.)

Girl 1: What is EasyMac

Girl 2: A really easy Mac computer