Sir... that's not what that's for...
Your resume will never be this good.
"You have to buy me food."
"I am a bone-idle and unreliable individual who is always on my phone..."
These are pure gold 👏👏👏
We’ve all been on a really bad date. If you’re brave enough to stick it out, good for you. But...
Can we be best friends?
Some things never change.
This text "exchange" is actually pathetic.
Well, that's one way to spice up afternoon classes.
Two words: Shopping spree.
This is true love.
"WTF are wings?"
Finger lickin' awful.
This makes me really glad that I don't have any brothers.
Maybe not a good choice for karaoke, though.
Are you an under the roll or over the roll person?
"Your looks are distracting to male coworkers. Move back two spaces."
Duck face and mirror selfies galore.
There's other Marlins in the sea.
Screenshots will come back to haunt ya.
"Good vibes only."
And HIS friend gave him up.
You can't make this up.
Lesson learned: Do NOT drink coffee before a date.
"'The thing with stand up comedy is it's just like sex with your misses - it is just better if you let her get on with it on her own."
This is my new favorite Twitter account.