Dear Dude,

I love your column. Read it every week. I’m just curious about the “dude” insight on my situation, because it’s so complicated, like…I can’t even.

My story: I am newly single after a year long semi-hellish long distance relationship. Not really looking for anything serious, a little jaded, but if I met someone who I thought was good enough I wouldn’t turn and run away from it. I’m a big believer in the “He’s Just Not That Into You” philosophy that if a dude really wants to date/be committed to someone, he will. That was until I met this guy.

He’s 23, I’m only 20, and we met at a party about a month ago. We always have a great time together, and uh…well the hooking up is nice (read: amazing). I mean it’s at the point where he just assumes I’m staying the night if I come over. After our first time hanging out, he mentioned that he’s all “dead inside” and basically turned off to the idea of dating right now because some vapid woman broke his heart a year and a half ago, and at the time so was I – I mean my ass had just got dumped. I wanted to be a single hot mess for a while, but the constant texting/hanging out is leaving me very confused. Plus, I’m like – dude it’s been a year and a half, it’s time to get over it. Read More »

Hi Dude,

I’ve gotten so much conflicting advice from all my friends, so maybe you can offer some wise guy-insight in how I can help someone I really care about.

I’ve had a really long FWB relationship with this guy since freshman year of college (we’re seniors now). We’ve gotten increasingly closer to each other over the past 3+ years and I’ve made it known during most of it that I wanted a more serious relationship out of our friendship, and he has shut me down about half a dozen times, saying he doesn’t want to date me in the long-run, so we agree to be friends but always end up getting close anyway and acting like a couple and spending just about every day and night together. This past summer we agreed to be exclusive for awhile (without seriously dating), and it’s been going really great, we both seem to be enjoying it, or so I thought…

Two weeks ago, we were sleeping and he got up in the middle of the night to go sleep on the couch. I was obviously worried and so I asked him what was wrong and he said he has just been really stressed lately and couldn’t sleep and it was unrelated to me. A day or two after, I tried to talk to him about what was going on and he just got upset and started crying and saying he couldn’t handle his stress and needed space and that I wasn’t helping him and I could tell he was really troubled. I sent him a long email the next day explaining my confusion over what had happened. He emailed me back and apologized for putting blame on me and explained that he’s just been depressed and has had a lot of anxiety this semester, and that this is the worst he’s ever felt for no apparent reason, and he needed time to get himself back up and learn not to hate his life and himself anymore, as he put it. He said that while he still cared about me, he doesn’t think we can see each other that much because he needs to be alone to figure out his life and that he doesn’t think we’ll work out in the long run. He’s afraid of us getting too close again and then having to go through “breaking up” again, but would still like to see me and be friends with the possibility of hooking up (which I offered in the email I sent him).

However, since then, he’s just completely shut me out basically all week I’ve realized that I shouldn’t take his ignoring of me so personally and that he does need space and time, but my main concern right now is that he seems genuinely depressed and not himself and it doesn’t seem to be getting better…I want to help him, but I know I’m probably not the best person to do so, and I really think he should talk to a counselor (which I have planned to do for myself because I can’t handle the stress this is putting me under), but I’m not sure how to even suggest it to him.

Can you please give me any advice on how I could help him? Or if I should back off? I’m worried that if left untreated, his depression could get worse. Also I know he says he doesn’t want to date me in the long-run, and I’m okay with it, so how can I show that I still want to be here for him as a friend?

Thanks so much,
Completely Frustrated and Sad

Dear Completely Frustrated and Sad,

You sound like a really good friend to this guy. Depression’s a bitch to deal with. It’s not easy to watch someone you care about go through it, especially when he seems resistant to any help you offer, and even harder when you feel like you can’t help at all. I think your instinct about suggesting he make an appointment to meet for a counselor is spot on. But there will come a point where you’ve done all you can and just have to keep being there for him, accepting that he’ll get help when he hits the point where he feels like he has to get help.

Besides being a good friend, you also sound a bit like you’ve let him take advantage of your feelings for him. But that’s the Yin and Yang of wibbly wobbley webs we weave with a FWB. There’s a point where it’s like: “I really care about you. I want more. You don’t believe we can have more so this is the best I’ll get and I guess I just have to make due with it.” And that sounds like what you’ve done. Settled for what you can get out of him and are trying to deal with a crisis he’s in. Does that situation sound okay for you? If it is, then okay. If not, then you might want to reconsider how much you’re willing to put in a place you don’t want to be in. The more you invest in something that you understand isn’t realistic, the more you close yourself off to the possibility of finding something more fulfilling. Food for thought. ‘S’all I’m sayin’…

People, well I should say most people, go through bouts of depression. And believe it or not, a lot of bouts come during college, especially freshman and senior years. Why? Well, there’s a theory that it’s because during those particular times in a person’s life they are at a point before, during or right after a major transition. Transitional times are scary times. Scary times can trigger depressive episodes in people. But it can hit you out of nowhere before you consciously understand what’s going on.

I’ve been in this spot, as far as dealing with the Debbie-Downers. Bottom line is you can offer all the help you want and be a good friend, offering him an ear and a shoulder, but you can’t make him take it. The less he’s willing and the more he pulls away from you, the more helpless about the situation you’re likely to feel. Which is going to increase your stress and make you feel crappy about yourself. Which you shouldn’t. His decisions have to be his decisions. You can’t push him towards healthier ones, just make offers and follow through, and be there for him if you’re willing to forgive the assholishness he’s throwing at you.

Chin up. Reassess. Change what you can, accept what you can’t. And he’s one of the things you can’t. But how much you allow his issues to weigh you down is something you can. Take care of yourself first and foremost, otherwise you’ll be in no shape to help anyone.

Here’s to good mental health,

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Dear Dude,

I have an awkward situation. I’m in a relationship with a guy I really like. However, he has never been comfortable about the amount of time I spend with one of my guy friends (let’s call him Brian). Brian and I were friends with benefits for awhile in college and are still good friends, although we never hook up anymore. My boyfriend knows I love him and wouldn’t cheat on him, so he accepts that Brian and I are friends, even though he doesn’t like it much.

Read More »

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’m going back to college in the fall and I wanted to re-invent myself, still stay the same but have a total new outlook on life and a new attitude. Back as a freshman guys would make fun of me and torture me, and it was horrible. I wanted to go back in the fall as a new person, and have those guys who made fun of me not know what hit them. Also, I had a friends with benefits situation with one of my guy friends, and when I had asked him why he hooked up with me, he said along the lines of, ‘We’ll I was bored and I knew that you’d hookup with me.’ It was something much worse along those lines but it’s too embarrassing to disclose. SO, I wanted to know how do I show my ex-hookup buddy and those other guys that I’m tougher than ever and started a brand-new attitude?

Thanks for your help in advance,
Looking to find a new me

Read More »

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have been hanging out with this guy, Jake,  for the last year, we have gotten intimate, but he hasn’t asked me out.  His crazy ex-girlfriend, Alexis, has been “stalking” me on Facebook and sending me messages about him, which he says are not true.

Recently, I went to a party with Jake,  and Alexis was there.  I figured she’d come up to me (like she did at the last party, where she grabbed my head and told me that Jake was all mine if I wanted him), but she did not.  At the end of the night, I went to go say good bye to Jake and saw him and Alexis making out..I literally ran to the bathroom and started crying.  Jake tells me he likes/loves me all the time, but now he goes and runs off with Alexis.  I don’t understand it!

He knows I have feelings for him, but he keeps jerking me around and not asking me out or telling me that he wants to be with me.  We have, for about the past 5 months, not been with anyone else and were seeing each other exclusively.  At this party he and I were both drunk, but Alexis hadn’t drinken anything…I can see where he would maybe talk to other girls because he was drunk but I can’t justify this in my head why he would make out with her.

That night after the party, he said bye to me and I just shook my head at him (with tears in my eyes, I might add).  The next day he texted me saying thanks for coming and everything, and I never texted back.  It was like nothing had happened..like it was just another day.  I love Jake, I really do, and it hurts me to see him “cheating” on me.  I know he loves me too but I don’t know why he would want to go back to Alexis.  And if he does, why doesn’t he tell me this?

Another thing is that I am 22 and have never had a boyfriend before, just flings, and Jake knows this….he is my first love and  he just treated me like I was nothing that night.  Any advice???

Thanks so much,

–Heartbroken

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I’ll be upfront. I’ve only done the friends with benefits thing once, and it sucked.  I’m a serious commitment kind of girl. If I’m going to date someone, I want it to lead somewhere. That said, I understand that not everyone feels the same way, and sometimes you just want a consistent hookup who will treat you like a human being. It sounds simple, sure, but we like to make things far more complicated than necessary when sex is involved. Friends with benefits can be a healthy, fun, enjoyable situation for everyone involved, as long as you keep a few rules in mind.

1. Be on the same page.
My ill-fated FWB fling was awful because we didn’t really define our relationship as such. We had started off as acquaintances, and ended up making out at a party. Then he texted me saying he wanted to see me again.  And suggested dinner and a movie. Naturally, I assumed that meant he was laying the groundwork for dating. But after the “date”, I didn’t hear from him for another week, and didn’t see him until a week after that. You’re probably reading this and rolling your eyes at my naivete. Like, duh, I should have picked up on the fact that he just wasn’t that into me. I should have asked him what it was that we were doing, and saved myself a whole summer of insecurity, instability, and hurt feelings. Communicating can save us a lot of turmoil, so sometime in the beginning stages of your FWBship, define it.

2. Keep it shallow.
FWBs are supposed to be stringless, carefree, and fun. So it’s probably not the best idea to make your FWB someone you’d be  comfortable sharing your deepest problems and secrets with, or heaven forbid, an ex.  Distant acquaintances are the best candidates, and keep your non-sexy time activities minimal. It’s fine to do dinner and a movie, but don’t start integrating your FWB into your daily life – a successful FWB situation is heavy on the benefits, light on the actual friendship part.

Read More »

Q?! A. Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
Girl, I need your all-knowing wisdom BAD!! I have two boys…and it’s come time for me to choose between the two. Here’s the problem: they’re opposites!

On one hand, we have G. The sensitive, intelligent musician. After meeting just a couple months ago, we went through a period of hanging out everyday and frequent (no-sex) sleepovers, but we’ve since cooled down. I suppose you’d call us glorified FWB, although we actually like each other! (LOL?) This was fine and good, until I realized I was starting to blow him off to hang out with what I affectionately call “my boys,” my group of all-male best friends. Which leads us to….

B. The guy’s guy. We’re only friends at this point, but since we first met (through our mutual male best friend, C), there’s been this crazy sexual tension and the other guys in our group are constantly picking on us. He’s not the smartest fella in the world, but we have the same sense of humor, and he’s incredibly protective and sweet!

My question for you is: do I take a chance on B or remain with my current guy, G? Which would you choose?! Please help!!

Sincerely,
Torn Read More »

Question?! Answer. Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Confidential to Almost Sexually Active Band Geek: WAIT. He doesn’t mind. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen later–when things work out.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I have been hooking up with a long time friend recently but we have never been anything official. He acts like he likes me, takes me out, says he thinks he is falling in love with me and says how he thinks we should be together. He has quite the playboy/bad boy reputation and for a long time and I couldn’t let myself be anything more than friends with benefits, so I have denied his requests that I be his girlfriend in fear of getting hurt.

I had a change of heart about 2 weeks ago and we had a conversation where we both decided to try and make a relationship work. Nothing really changed, we just gave it a label. However last week, only a few days after we became official, he slept with my best friend. Now things are beyond awkward between said friend and I and my “boyfriend” thinks I am making a big deal about nothing.

Dear Dude,

With summer quickly approaching I started to think about what has happened in my love life over the past year and realized something major… I keep hooking up with my guy friends. I’ve always been the “single” girl in my group of friends and have no issues with that. Also, I’ve always been a “guy’s girl,” I just get along better with boys. But last summer (after graduating high school) I ended up hooking up (ranging anywhere from just making out to the full monty) with seven guys. SEVEN. Some of these boys I have known since elementary school! I though that this pattern would end after the summer, but it didn’t. I have seen them on breaks and even visited some of them at their own schools, and every single time, even if I am not planning on it, we end up fooling around!

What I want to know is why. Why did they suddenly start wanting to make out with me instead of just hanging out? Is it because they trust me?

I’m so confused about this and need to know why. I love my boys, I really do, but I really am looking for a man who is willing to commit to me. I don’t really want a romantic relationship with any of them, I want to find someone new, outside of our group of friends who I connect with. But how can I do that while they still want to be my friend with benefits?

Help!
– Can We Just Be Friends? Read More »