Reason 798 why the Internet creeps me out: (which is even weirder than reason 797: the government probably reading everything I’ve ever put on here), people not being who they say they are online.

Wired Magazine recently featured a story that is the mother of all mistaken Internet identity tales, and reads like some kind of psychotic Lifetime movie of the week. Stay with me now.

Thomas Montgomery, a 45-year-old husband of 16 years and father of two teenage girls was living a pretty uneventful life in upstate New York. After spending 12 years at the same boring job, something inside Montgomery must have snapped, causing the man to live a monotonous life no more—at least in cyberspace. Deciding to log onto the game and chat site Pogo.com as a “19-year-old marine” named Tommy who was getting ready to ship out to Iraq, stood 6 feet tall, and had a “9 inch dick”, Montgomery set out to live a double life.

And live it he did, once he began talking to a 16-year-old girl from Virginia named Jessi. Jessi fell in love with Montgomery’s Tommy, talking to him for hours at night and sending him G-strings in the mail.

Sometimes, just to shake things up, Montgomery would pretend to be Tommy’s father, admonishing Jessi for making mistakes in the relationship.

Eight months after instant messaging every day and speaking on the phone, Tommy proposed to Jessi. Jessi accepted. In a bizarre New Year’s Eve resolution, Montgomery wrote “On January 2, 2006, Tom Montgomery (46 years old) ceases to exist and is replaced by an 18-year-old battle-scarred marine”.

But the only thing that really happened was Montgomery’s wife finding his secret stash of G-strings and realizing her husband was cyber cheating with a girl as old as his daughter. Being a mother, and a sane individual, Montgomery’s wife contacted Jessi and let her know Tommy didn’t exist.

Distraught, Jessi contacted a friend of Montgomery’s who also frequented Pogo.com, 22-year-old Brian Barrett, and asked him if Tommy was indeed a fake. Barret told her he was. A disappointed Jessi began messaging Barret in place of Tommy, and the two began their own online relationship.

A relationship Montgomery found out about. A relationship that pissed the delusional father of two off so much he (allegedly) followed Barret to work and shot him three times.

When Jessi was contacted about the crime, her mother answered for her, saying her daughter wasn’t around. But as cops pushed, they noticed something odd about Jessi’s mother. She acted strangely, nervous, like she knew something.

Turns out, Jessi’s mom, was Jessi.

The icing on this freaking weird cake, Jessi didn’t exist at all. Jessi was really a housewife named Mary, using her daughter’s profile.

I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

…And I don’t think I’d ever want to.

No matter what the situation, you’re faced with one uncertainty: to go commando? That is the question.

A question that now every lady can fix with a brilliant answer. Disposable underoos!

Handbag friendly and wrapped up tightly, these surprisingly cute panties could easily be mistaken for your tube of lipstick (wouldn’t that be mortifying?).

Looks like the lovely people at Tagalongs are finally understanding all our unsatisfied womanly needs.

Besides, even if you did remember to pack extra underwear, let’s say your feisty drive (and unfortunate dry spell) had given you the courage to finally seduce that cute guy in your Lit class. Still, who wants undies floating around your purse? It’d be asking for potential humiliation. Or your drunk best friend fumbling around inside your bag for some lip gloss and…wallah! Your polka-dot thong is dangling from her fingers up in air. “WHAT ARE THEEEEESE?,” she slurs. Ah, not that this has happened to me or anything.

Regardless, I’ve already ordered ten pairs. One important thing to remember though, if the ‘roos are being used post-sleepover, make sure to locate your other pair…I only say this in accordance to two guys down the hall freshman year, who made it a game to add all scored pairs of panties to a “museum” on their wall. Don’t let your sloppy rendezvous become an artifact! Better to go commando.

For some reason, I thought this trend was merely among the rich and famous. Boy, was I wrong. During a recent get together with friends, I found out that many girls I know opt to never wear underwear, even with clothing like jeans.

“It’s a very freeing feeling,” said one girl.

“Yeah, my doctor told me not to wear underwear because of the risk for bacteria and infections,” said another friend.

Really? My immediate thought was, what kind of sham doctor do you go to?

Maybe I am just being a prude and have become too attached to that extra layer of cloth between my private parts and the world. But really, no underwear, EVER?

Once I looked into it, my friends may not be so crazy after all. First of all, there are tons of reasons to be careful when wearing a thong because of the problems it can cause your nether-regions.

“Thong underwear comes (in direct contact) with the crease of the buttocks, and for those women who wear very tight-fitting thongs, it can promote bacterial vaginitis and urinary tract infections…Thong panties can also cause chafing and lacerations on the anal area, causing infection.”

So, for all young and fashion conscious women, this creates a Catch 22 (at least I learned something in high school English class). On one hand, you don’t want gross vagina infections that come along with thongs, but on the other side, you wouldn’t be caught dead in granny panties that show massive underwear lines.

The solution? Ditch underwear all together.

Maybe I should take a cue from my friends and go au naturel from now on…

I went commando to my high school prom.

This wasn’t an attempt for post-prom easy access. And I wasn’t trying to be sexy for my date.

It just so happened that I couldn’t find a single thong or no-show panty that didn’t expose a visible panty line in my dress. Under certain material, even seamless panties won’t do the trick.

So what’s a girl to do?

Fortunately, some European designer loathes panty lines just as much as I do and has remedied this chronic problem. I introduce to you… the C-string!

LoveHoney—the makers of the C-string—describe their product as invisible underwear. The website says “C-String has a flexible internal frame that hugs and holds it to the body both securely and comfortably. Your modesty remains safely covered at all times.” Basically, it’s a thong sans side-straps that is shaped like the letter C. Awesome.

While I’m the #1 cheerleader for anything that diminishes panty lines, a few skeptical thoughts came to mind when I saw this nouveau thong:

• Uhh… is it just me, or is that a headband? I don’t know about you… but I’m not really down with wearing a headband as a thong. I’m all for versatile clothing, but that’s pushing it.

• Could that possibly be comfortable? There is basically a cotton-covered wire in your crack. Hmm. Questionable.

• Would guys even find it sexy? Yea, I know, guys think thongs are hot. But the C-string looks kind of awkward.

That being said, the sole review of the C-string on the product website claims that it’s both sexy and “surprisingly comfortable.”

I was considering ordering it until I realized that one C-string would cost me nearly $50 (including overseas shipping and handling).

I think I’ll let the rest of the world feel the C-string out first. If I can get a few people to promise me that it didn’t fall off in the middle of the street, I’ll give it a shot. Until then, I’m going commando. Or maybe I’ll wear a headband of my own.

I even overlooked the horrifying comment that, “We should pretend to shop for wedding rings.” That was a tough one. I stood there all agape like he was wielding an ax or something. Yuck. Sorry about the tangent, I had to get that off my chest. It has been freaking me out all day. If you have any advice about this one, please feel free to comment.

However, we can talk about Mary’s adventures in sheer terror later, right now I want to share what I learned about boys and lingerie at the mall….in New Jersey. I pulled the boy into Victoria’s Secret for two reasons, the first being to distract him from the fact that by this point I was sweating heavily, secondly I had a yen for some “Sexy, Little Things.” While I had him in the store, I took the opportunity to ask him about kind of lingerie got him all hot and bothered.

“Uh, I like everything you wear Mary.” I rolled my eyes.

“So you’re saying that guys don’t care about what kind of underwear you wear, it’s more about taking it off?” I prodded, while admiring a ridiculously expensive camisole designed by Anna Sui. I took all my willpower not to beggar myself by purchasing it.

“No, no.” he said, “I really liked the pink panties you were wearing the other day. The way they made your butt look…” Apparently he was starting to sweat too.

So it took me about twenty minutes of asking and parading around slips of brightly colored satin, barely there g-strings, and garter belts galore before I was able to come up with these two truisms about the male mind when it comes to underwear.

1.“I like it when the tops and bottoms match.” Words of wisdom if I’ve ever heard them…at least that makes our job a whole lot simpler. I’m not a fan of g-strings, crotchless panties, pleather, or anything else I assumed guys thought was sexy. However, I can match with the best of them. For all his “deep thinking”, especially in such a stimulating environment, I brought a matching aqua blue bra and little lacy panties. Funny how he seemed in such a hurry to go after we checked out…

2.He really wanted to be with a woman who owns one of those over-the-top black lace sets, complete with a garter-belt and thigh-high stockings. I think that goes for most guys too.

So there you have it ladies, guys like it when you match. How easy is that? It’s almost too easy….Plus, now you know what to get your boyfriend for his birthday—you in a garter-belt. Happy stripping.