Unfortunately, your favorite pizza/ burrito/ burger/ neighborhood CVS closed 30 minutes ago and you are left to fend for yourself. Right. Because you could barely get your key in the front door, let alone boil water for some mac and cheese. (Mmmmm mac and cheeeeeese.)

Even a frozen pizza is much too difficult to figure out right now. Turn on an oven? To 350? Then wait 30 minutes? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!

Lucky for you, the food industry has been busy creating products for people on the go, which also happen to work quite well for people who are too-drunk-to-function. Yes, that would be you. Just stock up on any and all of these little guys and you are good to go when the Beer Pong tourny is over and you can’t remember your name (or how you made it home with one shoe and a missing bra…):

Uncrustables:

Because making a peanut and butter jelly sandwich requires you to find bread, find peanut butter, find jelly, and then use a sharp object. Uncrustables simply requires you to open your freezer. Done and done. Peanut butter and jelly bliss.

Peanut Butter Slices:

If frozen PB&J isn’t your thang, maybe a slice of peanut butter is better. Easy to slap between two pieces of bread? Absolutely. Gross? Totally. Not quite as gross when you are drunk and just need something to soak up all that Jaeger? Yes please!

Mac and Cheese Crackers:

Back in my day we had to pour water into a bowl with noodles and microwave it for 2 minutes if we wanted some late night Mac and Cheese. Oh the horror! Not anymore, people. Now if you are craving a cheesy post-bar delicacy, all you need to do is open a box. These crackers taste just like the real thing without all that pesky work. No measuring. No cooking. No waiting.

Bagelfuls:

Just like its cousin, the PB&J sandwich, the bagel and cream cheese is just really hard to master after hours of deblitating debauchery. Ever tried to cut a bagel sober? Yeah, hard enough. Thank you, Kraft! You took the work right out of this so drunk kids everywhere could carb up without fear of losing any fingers.

Cereal and Milk Bars:

Because we all love a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch after the bar, but can’t quite get the milk into the bowl/not all over the floor. Thankfully, General Mills fixed that problem by putting milk and cereal together into one delicious late night bar.

Now if only we could get some pre-packaged Vodka Tonics.

You have to admit, it’s a lot easier to get out of bed every day when you know a bowl of marshmallows and milk awaits you. Of course kids and adults alike are hooked on this crap — it’s got freakin’ crack in it. And I don’t care that everyone and their mother is outlawing it and forcing kids to be healthier…there is STILL something to be said for eating a bucket of sugar for breakfast, so here’s my shout out to the top 5 most unhealthfully delicious cereals:

LUCKY CHARMS

They’re magically…charming. They say their serving size is 3/4 a cup..and yet most people, myself included, eat at least twice that amount. So…24 grams of sugar in one sitting? Ah. Who cares. They’ve got rainbows and marshmallows and sugar dripping from the cardboard box.

FRUITY PEBBLES

They’ve got fruit in them…right? Right? Okay. Maybe they don’t. But they’re still awesome. PLUS, they’re accompanied by awesome front-of-box graphics.

COUNT CHOCULA

Why is having dessert for breakfast such a sin? It’s probably the general assumption that sugar is not something you want swimming in your system so early on in the day. BUT, Count Chocula just can’t be denied (Mouth watering at this very moment). Remember this cereal? Pretty much any kid who got to actually eat it in the morning was admired by all — and probably wearing a mouth full of fillings today.

RICE KRISPIE TREATS

So you like rice krispie treats? Well, heck! Why not crumble ‘em up and throw ‘em in some milk and call it cereal? Sounds good to me…and millions of other kids out there, too. This cereal makes the list for its sheer audacity alone. These guys didn’t even TRY to make cereal with this one…they really just threw a dessert in some milk.

FROSTED MINI-WHEATS

These make my list because, to many, they give the ILLUSION of being a healthy cereal. I mean, c’mon, ‘wheat’ is in the title. What they should really call them is : ICING CAKED WHEAT THINGS. I think that would get the point across a little better. But hey, what do I know?

I am a firm believer in health. After all, I did get the Kashi cereal. BUT, let me ask you this…would it be easier for you to wake up in the morning if you knew you were waking up to these kinds of treats? Think about this one, folks.