Abs like these by Sunday? OK, Self Magazine.

So Chicken Finger Wednesday at the dining hall has been less than kind to your mid-section this year. Maybe you’re a freshman, maybe you’re not, but whatever the case, you’re definitely seeing those fifteen extra pounds. Think that because you’ve got a little extra pudge, you can’t wear a midriff revealing, sexy costume?

Well, SELF Magazine would like to tell you that no, muffin tops and French Maids don’t really mesh. But they’ve got a little workout called the Witches Brew that’ll give you abs of steel by Halloween. As in this Halloween. As in October 31, 2010. As in three days from now.

While you’re stirring away at that cauldron of false dreams, we’d like to offer a few goals that are more realistic to achieve in seventy-two hours.

1. Track down Brad Pitt and convince him to marry you.
It can totally be done. Just look for a dude surrounded by ten kids and a skeletal superstar girlfriend. Convince his bodyguards he recently adopted you from an impoverished coal-mining town in West Virginia. And finally, get close enough to Brad so you can use every pick up line in your extensive collection. One of them is bound to work.

2. Build a car to take you trick-or-treating all over town.
And I’m not talking about some clunker. Italian sports cars are really the only way to go when you’re DIY-ing. Collect the necessary pieces from the junkyard and lay them out in your dorm room. Close your eyes and start hammering parts together. Sooner or later, a car should appear.

3. Graduate
Speed read the required textbooks, convince the necessary professors to fax you the tests, then set up a special you-only graduation ceremony with the university. They’ll agree. No worries, it happens all the time.

4. Celebrate Halloween in Paris…by swimming there.
Totally realistic, and no need for training. Just jump right in that ocean and start kicking away. Who knows? Maybe by the time you reach France you’ll have a little more muscle definition, too. Score!

5. Sell more records than Taylor Swift.
All she writes about are boys, breakups, and kissing in assorted romantic locations. Please, with all those one-night stands and walks of shame under your belt, you could totally relate to the masses like Taylor. Put pen to paper, then burn some CDs, kiddo. You’re going quadruple platinum with this baby!

Hate how all the guys you know only lift weights a few times a week, skip the treadmill, eat twice as much as you, and still manage a 6-pack while you struggle to reveal any pack at all? Maybe it’s time to take a few tips from the boys!

As members of the fairer sex (holla!), we have some major obstacles to staying slim that guys will never have to deal with. The bloating and hormonal changes that come every month obviously suck. And the cravings don’t help us lose those extra pounds, either. While it’s true that both guys and girls get cravings, women are more likely to crave chocolates and sweets, whereas guys are more likely to crave meat (which happens to be filled with protein, makes you feel full longer and is generally better for your body). See the problem here? We should take a hint from the boys and switch to more protein-oriented snacks! Before reaching for the chocolate, go for some string cheese, a turkey and cheese wrap, or cottage cheese with fruit. If you’re still craving sweets after that, try mixing some protein with it – like almonds and chocolate chips.

While most ladies prefer free weights (or just skipping weight-lifting entirely), guys opt for the larger machines and weights. Unfortunately for us, this means that most guys burn 30% more calories every day because they have more muscle mass. If you’re still under the misconception that you will get larger and more masculine from lifting, never fear. They’ve done tons of studies that show no increase in size – only an increased muscle to fat ratio, which translates to more calories burned while you’re just sitting there! Again, more muscles = more calories burned. So how do you know how much weight to lift? You should only be able to do 10-12 reps at a time with a weight. If you can do more, it’s too light. If you can do less, it’s too heavy.

But it’s not just our hormones and our workouts that differ from the guys – it’s our overall mindset, as well. The MSNBC article says women are more likely to try to become “perfect overnight” and give up everything cold turkey. Guys tend to stay away from perfection. If they accomplish 80% of their weight loss goals for the day, they are satisfied. And allowing themselves the chance to “mess up” now and then is what keeps them successful in the long run. If we ladies can accept the fact that some days will be great and others will just be OK, we’ll see more success (or leaner, more toned bodies) in our future. Stop feeling guilty after eating some junk food – no one’s perfect. Enjoy the flavors and tastes, and get back to trying to eat healthy right after! The all-or-nothing mindset will backfire, guaranteed.

Finally, the way we women tend to look at food is also holding us back from our goals. For many women, eating is a more emotional experience. A University of Minnesota study found that “women are twice as likely as men to binge because they’re depressed.” This becomes even more important when you also know that “women are also twice as likely as men to be depressed” in general!  I blame those stupid yogurt commercials… Either way, food means comfort for a lot of women. Guys don’t view it in the same way. Food is for sustenance and other activities – like playing basketball, running or playing video games – are for entertainment. Take a hint from the boys and find something active to do to lift that mood. Take a dance class, go for a long walk, read a book… Whatever you do, stay away from the kitchen!

If you want to lose weight like a dude, you need to think, eat and exercise like a dude. It’s that easy.

Your cheat sheet to losing weight like a dude:
1. Don’t deprive yourself
2. Do something active when you’re upset
3. Eat protein when cravings hit
4. Lift weights

1. Get in Shape

Whether it’s the fact that spring break is weeks away or that people over-indulged on holiday dips and homemade cooking, everyone comes back to school with overly-optimistic gym ambitions. Ellipticals that haven’t been used in months are suddenly turned on and counting calories. Everyone tries out the stairmaster once and a few braver people venture to the other side of the gym to lift weights. It’s always easy to identify the new-years-resolution-workouts; they are the people with the too-well matched gym outfits who do an amazingly intense workout for the first five minuntes and then spend the next 35 minutes walking and talking about being really serious about getting into shape. They chug their water, wipe off their nonexistent sweat and they’re never seen in the gym after January 31st.

2. Get Involved

There is always that one friend that comes back after winter break and really wants to go get involved this semester. While this person’s enthusiasm was inspirational freshman year, they’ve just become downright delusional by senior year. Despite signing up for more than 45 listservs throughout the past few semesters, this person has yet to find time to attend one meeting. However it does not stop them from telling you how they really want to do more this semester, really want to bulk up that resume. Whether it’s building houses for Habitat, joining the winter festival committee, or taking a deeper look at Buddhism, they convince themselves that this year will be their year. However homework builds up, new shows start, and before they know it the semester is over and the only thing they got involved with was talking about getting involved.

3. Get Good Grades

The smell of fresh textbooks and bright highlighters often have the unfortunate effect of making people believe that they really will work hard this semester. Your roommate’s once blank walls are now filled with large color-coded calendars and law-school admission stats are taped onto the bathroom mirror for daily inspiration. Instead of staying quiet during syllabus week and getting out of class 58 minutes early, they’re the person who asks the professor questions about MLA format preferences and possibilities of additional office hours. They spend their spare time calculating their possible GPA after their semester of straight A’s. But as the semester wears on they remember why they didn’t have straight A’s last semester; classes are boring, homework is tedious, and studying kinda blows.

Instead of making that vague “I’m gonna work out this year!” resolution that never works, why not take a more focused approach? Here are a few resolutions that will get you on track for actually fulfilling your fitness goals in 2009. My opinion: start small:

- Start a Workout Program: If you don’t work out regularly, make it a point to do so. Join a gym (many have holiday specials still going on until Jan 1st!) and get into a routine where you hit the gym a few times a week. Don’t set an unrealistic goal (“I will run 10 miles, 4 days a week.”) – even if it’s just to start walking on a treadmill or taking a pilates class or two, you’ll never believe the difference it can make!

- Increase Your Workout: If you’re a regular, every day worker-outer like myself, start increasing your daily dose of exercise. For example, I normally run 1.5 – 2 miles a day and do ab work for about 15 minutes. Starting this week, I am upping my workouts to at least 2.5 – 3 miles a day with increased stretching and core focus on my abs to get that six pack (wishful thinking!) by the summer.

- Add Weights: A lot of people who work out think running on a treadmill or biking a few times a week is enough. It’s not. While cardio is the best way to burn calories, it leaves your body thin and lean, but not defined. Adding weights into your routine will tone your lean body and give you a nice, tailored and fit shape. Make an appointment with a trainer to set up a weight training program, or go to FitSugar.com to learn some fun workouts for toning that bod.

- Add Classes: If you’re a cardio gal like myself, adding some strength or dance classes will up your workout regime and give you some new exciting ways to look forward to working out. Pilates and yoga are great for strength and toning, and dance classes (salsa, hip hop, Zumba, or even, pole dancing!) are great ways to get cardio on a different level. Bring your friends along to help them with their weight loss resolutions (and make it more fun for you).

- Think Outside the Box: If you’re bored with your normal workout routine, take up a sport that will give you a new and fun way to workout. Have a bunch of girlfriends who want to all get fit? Start hiking on the weekends or playing softball with them; it’ll be a bonding experience, PLUS a workout!

By increasing your intensity, or starting a new workout plan, you’ll shed those holiday pounds in no time!

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