To unnamed questioner from VTEXT: I wanna help you out, but I need a little more information. Mo’ details, pleez.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have a close friend in college who is seriously concerned about her likelihood of getting married. She’s never been in a relationship and constantly worries that at the rate she’s going, she’ll never get married before she’s 30! She’s under the impression that she needs to start seriously dating now (at age 20) in order for her to have a family by the time she’s 28. Her mentality seems ridiculous to me since we’re so young still, but she just doesn’t understand that we have plenty of time. I think she’s mostly worried because she doesn’t want to end up like her 25 year old brother who can’t get into grad school, lives at home with their parents, and doesn’t date.

Recently, a close mutual friend of ours had a surprise romantic encounter with this amazing guy and it happened without her even expecting it. This made my other friend feel down that she wants a relationship so badly and can’t make it happen with anyone while my other friend has had smooth sailing.

So Tuffy, what should I do or say to this friend of mine? Should I try to set her up with someone or let her find somone on her own? She’s the most considerate person I know, and I know some lucky guy will see that in her someday, but she thinks that she’s running out of time. She’s been really harsh on herself lately and I can’t stand to see such an amazing person feel so low. Any words of wisdom that I can share with her?

Sincerely,
Helpful Friend

Dear Helpful Friend,

You really are a good friend. I chose this question to answer this week because it’s so heartfelt. Refreshing for ol’ Tuffy to see someone caring so much about someone else. Hearts to you, Helpful friend, hearts.

So, onto your question.

Your friend really is being redonk. At 20 she’s a failed cat lady with purses full of stolen Splenda?! Please. She’s just gotta stop getting so down on herself.

See, guys like confidence. You’ve heard this before. But, kids, you’ve heard it because it’s true. The only kind of men who like insecure women are the unfortunately ever-present creepy controlling asshoops. If you want a real man, you can bet he’s looking for a real woman.

It sounds to me like your friend is just suffering from some major insecurity. Why doesn’t she think she’ll meet anyone? Because she doesn’t think she’s good enough/pretty enough/whatever enough to meet someone who will fall in love with her. But girl, that’s so not true! Judging from how kind you are and how much you like her, I’d be willing to bet your friend is a total sweetheart. That should really help move things along, once she gets more comfortable with herself. But even if your friend was awful and a heinous borscht, she would STILL find the right guy for her eventually. Most people don’t end up alone, kiddo. Almost everyone eventually finds a match.

So help your friend get some confidence. Be her wingwoman! Go out together and have some fun: get dressed up, go dancing (or whatever you crazy kids do these days), and talk to some guys. Once she gets comfortable being herself with guys present, she’s bound to attract some good ones. Remind her that it’s not about finding a HUSBAND–men can smell that kind of desperation a mile away. It’s about just having fun and meeting someone she genuinely clicks with, which she’ll only know when she’s able to drop the insecurity and start enjoying meeting people, even when she knows he’s not The One.

And if she’s not married by 28–so what?! There are SO many happy singles out there who don’t get married till their thirties. It’s a new world, baby! Go do it!

Good luck to you, Helpful Friend, and good luck to your Lucky Friend To Have You As A Friend. I hope you can help her get over her insecurity–and have some fun in the process!

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

To me, Glamour was elegant. It was sophisticated. It was legitimately cosmopolitan. They only featured 68 ways to please your man, in stark contrast to Cosmo’s 168, and I’ve always valued succinctness. Their cover ladies were more erudite and high-class than the typical B-listers that graced Cosmo’s covers. It took a fairly ridiculous amount of time to realize that Glamour’s articles can be just as tacky and misguided and silly as Cosmo’s.

For example, take this month’s article “What No One Ever Admits About Marriage.” Apparently, once you commit to infinite monogamy (but let’s be real, in this day of age, that means, like, 5 years, tops), all conceptualizations of open communication go out the window, and it’s like you’ve entered Fight Club. Thankfully, Glamour decided to uncover

Glamour secret: Once your BFF gets married, “the relationship confessions stop. Forget TMI, she won’t even give you ‘I.’”
Jasmine says: There are married ladies on my Facebook feed who I haven’t seen since Nick Lachey was relevant (post-split with Jessica Simpson), and yet I am beyond intimately familiar with the minutiae of their domesticated bliss. In this era of blogs, Twitter, and Facebook statuses, I don’t think there is such a thing as a “private life.” Especially in regards to your BFF. If she suddenly shuts down relationship talk, that’s what a Sunday brunch loaded with mimosas is for.

Glamour secret: “I have a habit of hiding money from my husband…I treat myself to massages, facials, lunches – basically anything that doesn’t come in a shopping bag that I’d have to explain.”
Jasmine says: Wait, what? Okay, I totally understand not wanting to surrender total control of one’s finances to one’s husband, especially if you’re a Miss Independent who makes her own dough. However, I’m going to need the husband to be aware of, and accept the fact that their wife loves to shop. If a woman is able to support her shopping without running up a zillion dollars in debt, she should be able to do so shamelessly and without fear of judgment from her husband. Unless she’s ordering from JWoww’s clothing line. In which case, that deserves to be on lockdown.

Glamour secret: “My man is not the most motivated guy in the world so I bribe him to do things around the house by giving him blow jobs.”
Jasmine says: Oh. Let me make a mental of note of that. I like it.

Glamour secret: “My husband and I shower together a lot…but when we’re in there, I almost always pee.”
Jasmine says: How rude! No, but seriously, one-sided watersport action is pretty shady. Or, potentially limiting. Who knows, he might actually enjoy a golden shower?

Honestly, I don’t know if this list is typical of marriages or not, if it makes me want to get married or not, or how I really feel about anyone peeing in the shower. I just know it’s all sorta ridiculous.

I’ve never been the girl to think about my future too much or obsess over meeting Mr. Right. I’ve met a whole lot of Mr. Wrongs lately so I’ve been happy hanging out with Mr. Right-Nows instead.

Even when I was little, unlike many other girls, I never ever fantasized about my future wedding… until now.

I’m 21 and I’ve got the bridal bug. It’s all I can think about! I don’t know if it’s all the “Say Yes to the Dress” episodes I’ve been watching (I’m obsesssssed) or if my biological clock is fiercely ticking faster, but all I can think about is weddings, weddings, weddings.

Over the past few months I’ve gone from an I’m-never-getting-married mentality to I-want a-short-ceremony-on-the-beach-250-guests-top-and-a-Monique-Lhuilier-dress-from-the-2010-spring-collection mentality. And my sudden interest in floral arrangements and color palettes is starting to freak me out.

I realize a wedding and a marriage are two completely separate concepts: a wedding lasts a day, while marriage is supposed to last forever. But I realllly want to have that one day of planned perfection right now.

Does anyone else feel this way? And should I feel bad or pathetic for feeling the way I do?

I’ve always been a huge supporter of single womanhood and feeling complete without the presence of a man or relationship, so why all of a sudden do I feel that I need a WEDDING to feel whole?

Am I starving for some attention? Is this just the natural effect of a society that has us believe from a young age that women aren’t fully complete until they’re married? Or is my uncharacteristic desire for romantic bliss a sign that I’m desperate for a relationship?

These are all questions that I just don’t have the answers to. But Dr. Phil does, obviously. According to him, if a woman is feeling any type of pressure to get married or the desire to get married (without the presence of a boyfriend…let alone a fiancé) she has lots of issues that can only be solved by these types of self-probing questions.

I’m not too keen on Dr. Phil (he seriously creeps me out), so does anyone else have better advice for me? Help me, and fast, before I pack an overnight back and camp out for Kleinfeld’s next blowout sale.

This will make you happy.

Meet Lori Gottlieb. She’s a 40-year-old single mother—she got artificially inseminated because she wanted to have a baby but didn’t have a boyfriend—who has discovered the secret to why more women aren’t married: their standards aren’t low enough.

No, seriously. Gottlieb recently expanded this 2008 article from the Atlantic into a full-length book called Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. Her basic premise? Modern women all have “checklists” for their potential life partners, and we’re too quick to dismiss guys who don’t necessarily satisfy all of those requirements. So in order to avoid being single and, therefore, miserable in our 40s, women in their 20s like you and me should forget searching for Mr. Right and, instead, make do with Mr. Good Enough.

Don’t worry if this advice sounds ridiculously retro—Gottlieb freely admits that she’s telling women to ignore modern ideas about male/female relations because, as she says at the beginning of her book’s third chapter, “feminism has completely f*cked up my love life.” All that talk about “freedom” and “choice”—yes, she actually puts those words in quotation marks—is a bunch of hooey because, as opposed to what Gloria Steinem and Betty Friedan would have you believe, women really do need to get married and have lots of babies in order to be fulfilled: “The truth was, every one of my single friends wanted to be married, but none of us would admit how badly we craved it for fear of sounding weak or needy or, God forbid, antifeminist,” Gottlieb writes.

Excuse me for just a minute—AAAARRRRGGGGG!!! This crap is so ludicrous that I can only express my anger in capital letters and multiple exclamation points. I can immediately think of about fifty things that are totally wrong with Gottlieb’s thought process, but I’ll spare all of you and just mention what I think are her most glaring errors:

1) How can this lady seriously make a blanket statement like “If you say you’re not worried [about getting married], either you’re in denial or you’re lying”? How can she possibly believe that every single woman on the face of the Earth must, without exception, ultimately aspire to be a wife and mother? Her most basic assumption is incredibly insulting—especially to girls our age, who are in a better position than any women before us to really do whatever we want with our lives. (That is, unless your dream is to be a print journalist…)

2) And on that note—do any real women really keep the sort of extensive checklists Gottlieb assume we all have? I’ve got maybe three qualities that I look for in a guy (reasonably good-looking, not dumber than me, good sense of humor)… and I might even be able to let two of them slide if a dude was funny enough. Gottlieb hews closely to the age-old stereotype that women are uniformly demanding, stubborn, and delusional. What year is it, again?

3) Just like that Cosmo article I talked about last week, this book makes lowering expectations and learning to be content with what you can get the woman’s burden exclusively. Women have to settle, says Gottlieb, but men—even the fat, balding, boring dudes the author is recommending we settle for—can get with whoever they want because all chicks are desperate. Again: so insulting I can barely find the words to describe it.

4) Maybe the craziest part of all this is that for all her sage wisdom, Gottlieb herself isn’t married. She’s basing her entire philosophy on a hypothetical idea: if she had settled, maybe she would be happier now because maybe she would be in a dull but stable relationship. Gottlieb is talking about marriage like she understands it intimately, but how much of an authority can she really be? Would you ask someone allergic to dogs for tips on how to train your Weimaraner? Yeah, didn’t think so.

The bottom line: I would never want to be in a relationship with someone if I found out that we were only together because he had decided to “settle” for me—and I’m guessing that a guy would feel the same way. Imagine how devastated your boyfriend or fiancé would be if he found a copy of this book on your bedside table. I’ve got an idea for a title for your next book, Lori Gottlieb: The Case for Modern-Day Misogyny.

Unfortunately, it’d probably be a bestseller.

"So....Emmy....where's your boyfriend?"

Like nearly every other college student on the face of the planet, Thanksgiving Break is something that I am eagerly anticipating. The dorms are always busy and fun, but everyone appreciates a little break now and then. There’s nothing quite like going home, eating my dad’s brownies, watching movies with my sister, and taking my dog along on runs.

I do love the holiday of Thanksgiving as well. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, pie, and my little cousins dressed up as pilgrims, all my extended family gathered into my Grandma’s kitchen to say grace. I am blessed with a crazy bizarre extended family, the best kind to have in my opinion, and they are always the highlight of my holidays.

But as much as I love them all to death, sometimes their questions can be a bit too much. While I appreciate their interest in my life, I don’t feel the need to explain the details of the break up with my long term boyfriend to my uncle while waiting in line for cranberry sauce. Similarly, having my conservative aunt question me about boys that I might marry while she calmly serves out pumpkin pie just takes away my appetite!

Now, I understand that my aunt grew up in a very different culture than I do. Yet it truly does make my stomach full of turkey turn to hear this woman I am related to tell me that the most important thing for me to do in college is to meet the man I am going to marry. I love my aunt, but this idea of success disgusts me.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I definitely picture marriage eventually in my life plan. And I have nothing against people in long term relationships. Up until recently, I was one of them myself!

What I do have a problem with is the notion that success must come from somewhere outside of one’s self. I very much believe that in order to be able to contribute to a healthy relationship, you must be a strong confident person in your own right. And in the 21st century, no strong confident woman spends her college years desperately seeking a man. I realize that my aunt might never understand this, but I’m already a success, which for right now includes academic and extracurricular achievement, as well as maintaining healthy relationships with my friends and family.

I know that in the end, all my aunt wants is for me to be happy, so I’m sure she’ll be thrilled to hear about all the fun things I’ve been up to at college. Deflection is my new technique for distracting my relatives from topics I don’t care to discuss with them. (“No, I don’t have a boyfriend… but I did just get elected to student government! And my best friends and I are planning a road trip for spring break!”)

So this year, instead of letting my stomach turn in anger at another one of my aunt’s lectures, my stomach will be happy and full of turkey and love. At least that’s the plan. Let’s hope my aunt takes the hint or I may end up skipping pumpkin pie entirely this year.

And no one should do that.

Originally, I was going to write an empowering and witty article about all the physical and mental benefits of being single.  Then I started my research and found…there were none.  Seriously.  Every study points in exactly the opposite direction.  Apparently, the healthiest thing we can do is get married.  Like, immediately.

Not gonna lie, I was kinda disappointed when I found out.  But then I reconsidered…maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to get married right now, especially considering all these health benefits.  I could even print out the list and slap it down on the desk of that gorgeous guy in my photography class, saying “Eh? Eh? C’mon, it’s healthy.”  He won’t be able to resist, obviously.

In case you plan on executing a ninja-style attack on a cute guy like I do (that is, in fact, how I pick up all my boyfriends), I’ve made you a handy-dandy list of reasons to print out and share with your friends and crushes.  So here you go – all the reasons and benefits of getting married NOW!

Decreased Risk of Alzheimers/Dementia – Your risk of developing alzheimers, dementia, or any sort of cognitive impairment is halved when you’re married (compared to if you are single, divorced, separated or widowed).  Can’t argue with that…or, actually, you can ’cause you’ll be married and still have all your cognitive thought processes in place.

More Money – If you’re a modern woman, you’ve probably thrown a few bucks into the pot when you’re out on a date.  It’s just polite and what’s a few nights of paying for dessert or drinks gonna hurt?  Well, your bank account, for one (or at least mine).  When you’re married, you’ll have a larger pot to pull from and will therefore be able to save a lot more, too.

Less Smoking/Drinking – When you get married, you’ll obviously spend way less time at the bars because you’ll have already snagged yourself a winner.  This means less drinking and smoking (supposedly).  Also, there will be less Bridget Jones-esque nights spent on your couch in your flannels, drowning your sorrows in tobacco and wine while watching the Lifetime network (again, supposedly).

More (Safe) Sex – Assuming your ninja attack on the hottie who sits behind you in class works out, you’ll have free reign on bedroom fun time.  Who could resist?  Also, you’ll be doing less of the skanking-it-up-at-the-bar move (hopefully), which means less of  chance to catch herpes and whatnot while still getting laid on a regular basis. Win!

Less Physical Pain – If you’re married, you tend to suffer less from back pain and headaches. Awesome!  I’m assuming this is because your husband will do all the heavy lifting for you while moving into your new dorm room in the fall.  Also, they can take your finals for you because you will be legally one person.  So many benefits, it’s almost like having a personal assistant (or EXACTLY like having a personal assistant!).

Got a question for the Tuffster? Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and get that shiz answered!

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’ve been with my boyfriend – let’s call him P – for three and a half years. We graduated college together and have been dating since senior year. We moved in together right away – our college was in a town that neither of our families live too near – and we both have decent jobs with salaries. My question is, I really want to get married soon, or at least get engaged, but he doesn’t seem like he has any plan to do that. I don’t want to ask him to marry me so please don’t suggest that, because I want it to be traditional and because HE wants to! What should Ido?

Clare

Dear Clare,

Well…

Okay, I’m just gonna say it. TALK. TO. HIM.

I know, I know. It seems like such an easy answer, and I know you don’t wanna do it. But, honey, there’s no other way to know. Does he know you want to get married? I mean, let’s face it, men are not exactly the most perceptive of beings. (No offense, menzos, but let’s face facts.) Maybe the thought genuinely honestly has not crossed his mind. Gently, maybe over dinner or something equally neutral and nice, be all, “Hey, babe, you ever give any thought to getting married? Not right now–but, like, what’s your time line?”

And, of course, he’ll freak out. BUT! At least you’ll have opened the door. My advice to you, girl, is that on this particular occasion when you first bring it up, do NOT press the issue. Let him think about it, say whatever freaked out thing he’s gonna say, and then drop it completely. Then you can bring it back up maybe a couple of weeks later, again in a very nonchalant way. If you make this at all stressful, you’ll have ruined the whole thing for yourself for at least a year. The way to do this is gently and little by little.

On the other hand, he may have given it thought and realized (a) he’s just not ready, or (b) you’re ultimately not, for whatever reason, the girl he sees himself ending up with. If this is the case, it is going to suck ass for you. But better to know now, right? Especially if you want to get married soon. If he doesn’t see himself with you, like, ever-ever, then it’s time to let it go.

Hopefully this ain’t the case. Let me know, girl!

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Marriage isn’t a right; it’s a privilege. Depending on the time, place, and partner, getting married could be harder than getting into Harvard, if not downright impossible. As recently as fifty years ago, miscegenation laws would have forbid me from marrying my boyfriend (or any man not my race) in certain areas of the United States. Before that, the legal and social benefits to getting married were denied to minorities, immigrants, and the poor for centuries. Marriage is, for lack of a better analogy, membership into the biggest country club in the world.

For me, getting married would be a personal endorsement of some of the worst societal norms in existence.

The supposed “right” to marry has never been much of a right at all, and our understanding of marriage as a basic liberty is unique to contemporary times. Thanks to my predisposition for heterosexuality, it’s a liberty I could easily exercise, but I’d much rather march in a rally than down an aisle, because I find it difficult to take part in a practice that is denied to others (plenty of them my friends). Even with the best of intentions, I can’t imagine that my own wedding will serve any purpose but to reinforce existing norms, such as the idea that a relationship is only valuable if recognized by a third-party institution.

It’s ironic, then, that I consider marriage equality an extremely important political issue, and the only one to which I’ve devoted significant time and money. Why should a feminist support the inclusion of queer people in what is historically a sexist institution? Besides the “separate but equal” disaster that civil unions would create, I think same-sex marriage might just be the only way to save marriage as an institution.

Critics of marriage equality often claim that it will lead to the demise of traditional marriage, while supporters insist that nothing will change by allowing queer people to marry. Though I share little else in common with them, I agree with the former group. It’s disingenuous, or at the very least, naive, to suggest that legalizing same-sex marriage won’t threaten traditional marriage. It absolutely will, and I hope it does. Traditional marriage is an institution that has historically treated women as property and men as property owners. It has fueled our culture’s obsession with virginity and female purity, while justifying the rape of child brides and the battering of women who dare to not serve their husbands. A half-century’s worth of gender equality under Western law neither creates equality in practice nor does it negate thousands of years of subjugation.

Recognizing same-sex relationships may very well be the only thing that can keep marriage a relevant social institution. Same-sex marriage subverts the gender roles that have dominated marriage — and by extension, society — for the great majority of human history. Every gay marriage is a statement against antiquated roles and practices we’ve come to take for granted. (Who, for example, walks down the aisle in a gay wedding ceremony?) Marriage is far more appealing a notion when I think of queer couples getting hitched without white dresses and gendered proposals. Accepting gay marriage also means rejecting one of the most enduring aspects of traditional marriage: its exclusivity. No longer would marriage be a privilege of the appropriately heterosexual.

I’m not holding my breath, but if this long-suffering institution changes, then perhaps my opinion of it will too. Because frankly, I wish I could get married. I wish I could don a white wedding gown without having to think about its sexually repressive implications as much as I wish I lived in a society without prerequisites for legal recognition of romantic relationships. Unfortunately, that isn’t this society, at least not yet. Perhaps we’ll never get there in my lifetime, but if that’s the case, then to paraphrase Groucho Marx, I wouldn’t want to join a club that would have me as a member anyway.

She’s so serious that she has actually made her own website to get her name out there.

Before you throw things at your screen and start talkin’trash about what a crazy bia Neenah is, take a moment. This isn’t much worse than what many of us do in relationships. Ok, maybe the website thing is, but still; there is a wide spectrum of ridiculous deadlines we put on ourselves to find a relationship. Here is just a smidgen of some of the…interesting…declarations that I’ve heard thus far…

I haveee to get married by the time I’m 23 – I have a friend who strictly believes that she has to get married at the age of 22. Her mom and her grandmother got married at the age of 22, which obviously means that she has to get married at 22 too, right? Did I mention that she first told me this when we were in 7^th grade? Unfortunately, this sort of hasty deadline can lead to nothing less than a complete disaster. What if you happen to be dating a 53 year old garbage man when you’re 22? Okay, that’s pretty unlikely but you get the point – wait for the one that you actually want, not just the one that’s around at the right time.

I’m not getting married until my looks fade…at the age of 65 – No lie, I used to tell people this allll the time. (Super embarrassing, I know). For most of my adult-ish life, I have been the blissful single girl. I did not want a relationship and honestly, I wasn’t really expecting to find one for a while. Uhhh until I did. Seriously, this ish creeps up on you faster than a pimple on prom night. And when it does, no matter how hard you try, there will be no way you will be able to pass it up.

I don’t want to be tied down until I’ve settled down – Now this one seems a tad more rational than my “looks fade” guideline. You are an ambitious, college-educated woman that has a lot of goals. And let’s face it, often a man doesn’t really fit into that equation. Whether you want to travel the world or establish your own law firm, you need the freedom to be able to obtain your goals. Like I said, however, you can’t easily ignore an opportunity when it comes flying at your face. So which one should you choose? Both, duhhhh. If you find “the one” and he doesn’t support and encourage your goals, then he really isn’t “the one,” is he?

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that you can’t put a deadline on anything. Sure you can take your love life into your own hands like Neenah by putting yourself out there, but you really can’t do much more than that. And I’m not sure any man will find that sort of desperation attractive.

Just live your life, go for everything you want, and when you least expect it, you’ll run into a relationship like a brick wall. In a good way, of course.

Do you or your friends have embarrassingly peculiar deadlines?