When it’s over, is it over forever? Can’t there be a way to forgive and forget? Forgive and move forward? There’s no question that a lot of people do attempt to cultivate a second, third…twenty-fifth, chance with an ex, but it never seems to work out. This isn’t rocket science (though I’ll bet rocket scientists would have a hard time identifying all the variables in this equation), whatever the problem, so there has to be a way to solve it. Well, dear readers, I give you a bit of a cautionary — yet hopeful — guide to the risks and rewards of getting back with your ex.

Motivation. The why. Before you’re rushing back in, you’ve got to look at what’s got you so eager. If it’s loneliness, don’t. If it’s fear of being alone, don’t. If it’s because you’ve got nothing better on your plate, don’t. You broke up for a good reason, perhaps several. What’s changed since? 99 times out of 100 you can’t, and shouldn’t, jump back to the place you left things, after all it was the place you left things…the bad place. No one wants to go to the bad place! There was something you wanted and didn’t get, or something you needed that you hadn’t had, and the question is whether or not you’ve gotten it on your own and can move forward, or you’ve compromised on how to attempt to fill those voids for each other.

Nostalgia kills. There it is. You can’t “go back to the way it was.” There were good times but that’s not where you would be picking things up from, and you two won’t be the same people who left things the way they were. People change, or should change, after a break up. They need to reevaluate who they are, where they’re at, where they want to go, and how they want to get there. If two people who couldn’t make it work attempt a second life, but try to be who they were before, well, that’s just a dangerous delusion. There are no re-dos or rewinds when it comes to relationships.

It can never be said enough: COMMUNICATION IS KEY! If you’re going to jump back into the emotional sack with your ex, you better have a few long f*cking conversations, that may or may not involve actual f*cking. You’ve got to redefine the boundaries. For example, if you’d been living together for a few months, don’t just move back in. If one person cheated, you might have to establish some new communication rules (calling each night, being aware of each other’s schedules, etc.) for a while. See, I’m making it sound like a lot of work and, really, IT F*CKING IS, DUH! You’ve got to rebuild trust. If you don’t think that’s going to take work and awareness, then don’t even bother. There may be parts that feel uncomfortable or like an obligation for the first month or two, but this is a marathon and not a sprint. When you’ve proven you’re competent at showing the kind of respect, awareness, sensitivity and effort that the other person needs, things will evolve beyond that point. But you’ve got to get there first!

Some will argue it’s easier if it’s been only a little while since things ended and some will argue the more time the better in terms of being able to build a new trust with an ex. I don’t know. Honestly, it’s a case-by-case basis. A large part having to do with why things ended in the first place and how much personal growth has been accomplished since. Those don’t possess fixed rates and values.

There are lots of great couples out there that break up. We’ve all watched perfect couples plotz. Should they ever get back together if they want to? Why not? Seriously, ask yourself that question: Why not?

I’m all for people giving it another chance. You were drawn to each other for some reasons, hopefully healthy ones. If there’s something there, it’ll always be there, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, which will provide plenty of fertile ground to grow something new. And that’s the best way to look at it: a new relationship.

Wounds can heal. People grow. Circumstances change. Needs evolve. There’s always hope. Just realize it’s a new day, it’s a new dawn, it’s a new chance, that the old rules don’t apply, and, yes, he probably still does that annoying thing that used to drive you crazy.

So, this weekend I decided that I was going to get a little taste of the other side – the other side of my ex-boyfriend’s door, that is.

I blame it on being a Scorpio. Word on the street is that we know exactly how to work our sexy Scorpion magic: We will sit back and wait, silently, passively – no matter how vehemently we really desire something- for the right moment to attack our poor, vulnerable prey (which was, in this case, my unsuspecting, man-whore of an ex).

See, after I broke up with the sleaze (and felt absolutely miserable about it and watched him act like he probably couldn’t have cared less) – I waited. And waited. And waited. Even though we hang out with the same group of drunk, dreadlocked, alcoholic idiots and saw each other at least once every two weeks, I kept my mouth (and legs) shut.

I watched him take other (stupid, naïve, slutty) girls to his bedroom. I listened to him flirt with my prettiest girlfriends. I did my best not to stalk his Facebook more than twice a day. I faked a smile and pretended that anything and everything he did or said meant absolutely nothing to me.

I let him have his fun (with girls much less attractive than myself, might I add), and then, ladies – I attacked. And by attacked, I mean I got extremely intoxicated and asked him to buy me a drink at the bar for our friend’s 21st. The rest is history.

Our weekend was amazing – just the way it used to be. It was passionate, it was hot. I was unbearably sore. The usual.

But, I was also something else. I realized that I….was over it. Over him.

All those months I had spent fantasizing about running my hands through that thick mess of blonde curls, staring into those baby blues, were basically just that. Fantasies. Our real relationship wasn’t that great. He’d actually been quite an ego maniac. He was basically a “woman-loving” (his words, not mine) piece of crap. I had broken up with him, after all.

However, that grass-is-always-greener syndrome took hold right after the break-up and I created a fantasy ex-boyfriend in my head. Fantasy Ex was sexy, intelligent and living a fabulous life full of other women he was totally enamored by. He was the most amazing guy on the planet and I was never going to find another one who loved The Beatles and The Colbert Report as much as I do.

Ha.

Normally, I wouldn’t condone having any kind of sexual relations with someone you once had romantic relations with. I’ve heard that this can get super-messy. Alright, who am I kidding…I’ve experienced this messiness firsthand.

However, I’m now a firm believer that the only reason people pine after their exes is because humans, by nature, want what they can’t have. I thought I couldn’t have him again and it made me feel inadequate, unattractive and down right depressed.

It’s hard to walk away from someone who was so important to you and who you spent every waking moment with. When you don’t know exactly what’s going on in their life at all times, it’s easy to build them up to be someone they aren’t – and never were.

I know it doesn’t work out this way for everyone, and I think that if you’re gonna have ex-sex, you have to understand your reasons for doing so. If you think it’s going to – or want it to – lead to a relationship resurrection, it’s probably best to find a random bar guy to satisfy your sexual urges. However, if you’ve had a little time apart, ex-sex can be exactly what you need to finally detach yourself emotionally – and see this guy for what and who he really is.

Going to bed with my ex was probably the best thing I ever did. I “got” him and because I now know I can – like, whenever I want – and I don’t feel like he thinks of me as complete scum. I was able to see him objectively for the first time in months. I know that he’s not on some “higher” level than I am. I realize that the life I thought he was living, the life I was so ridiculously jealous of, was actually just the way it was when I left it six months ago: full of random girls in low-cut tops, ounces and ounces of marijuana and Trojan Magnums.

And I’m proud to say that those Magnums are probably the only thing I’m gonna miss.

Join the club.

I think a lot of us fear that there might be something wrong if we still have feelings for an ex, even years later.

Society tells us that we’re supposed to kick it and move on, that we should say “tough luck” if somebody dumps us, and that we should never again be tempted to kiss somebody we’ve ended a relationship with.

…For real?

Even though I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost two and a half years, and I can’t imagine any scenario in which I would break up with him, I still feel a little wishy-washy about a few of my exes. Doesn’t everybody? Sure, there are a couple I’d just as soon never talk to again, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about them every week or two (even if it is just in passing).

There’s one I think about almost every day, even though I wouldn’t date him again if somebody paid me ten million dollars. And then there’s the guy that I could swear still has a thing for me, because he’s continually trying to get us to meet up—and whenever we do see each other, he looks at me with Those Eyes.

So, the question that I have is: How can anybody be expected to “move on” so quickly when we leave such an extensive trail of emotions behind?

I know that it’s best for relationships to come to an end sometimes. But there are some things I will never understand, like how someone who breaks up with you can love you just the same as always one day and then not love you enough to continue the relationship the next day.

Romance is hardly a color-within-the-lines activity, I know. But I think if people stopped telling us to move on and started telling us to accept our conflicted feelings and work through them instead, we’d end up moving on much more quickly and easily.

CC readers, what do YOU think? Is it possible to just “move on”? What are some things you do to help yourself sort through feelings about an ex?