It’s not easy being a woman. We only earn $.78 for every dollar dudes earn, we have to put up with things like periods and high heels, and—maybe worst of all—we’re constantly being bombarded with advice from lady mags, lady sites, and lady-oriented talk shows that purport to know what we should be doing to get thinner, sexier, and happier. Too often their tips are questionable at best and downright moronic at worst.

So every week I’m taking a look at the advice that falls into the “moronic” end of that spectrum. If I can convince even one girl to reconsider whatever’s being professed in her glossy of choice, I’ll sleep a little better at night.

In the relatively small pool of article templates that women’s magazines turn to month after month (find the best jeans for your body type! Learn how to make a smoky eye! Consider swinging—wait, whaaa?) there are two perennial models that will never go out of style: tips on how to lose weight and tips on how to snag a man. Knowing this, the editors at Women’s Health have come up with a genius idea for an article that combines both topics. It’s called “Prevent Love Chub,” and it’s about how your S.O. is making you fat.

Yes, even though ladymags believe any female who isn’t constantly attached to or trying to become attached to a man is kind of sad at best and totally pathetic at worst, now Women’s Health is also saying that boyfriends are any body-conscious chica’s worst enemy.

See, men sabotage our toned limbs and flat bellies in five distinct ways—they love eating out (… at restaurants! Get your mind out of the gutter!), they prevent us from being physically active, they encourage us to eat more in order to keep up with them, they buy unhealthy food, and, worst of all, they make us happy. And as author Jill Waldbieser says, “Research shows that what’s good for your heart may be bad for your hips.” More specifically: “A study published last year in the journal BioPsychoSocial Medicine found that happy people were less likely to succeed at losing weight than those with a ‘slightly negative and cautious outlook.’”

Uh-oh! Somebody better call the diet police, stat! There’s got to be a way for women to be both perfect girlfriends and perfect stick figures at the same time. What say you, Women’s Health?

Well, to begin, the magazine suggests that fatties like you should eat “a healthy snack that contains protein and fiber a few hours before your meal,” if you and the boyf are planning on grabbing dinner out. Yup—eating in secret before you eat in public with your boyfriend. That sounds healthy.

It also advises women to eat “about three-quarters of what he’s eating”—but not if he’s eating something fatty. In that case, Waldbieser suggests having “portion-controlled, lower-calorie alternative[s] on hand to munch while he takes down that bag of chips or pint of ice cream.” Because a guy certainly wouldn’t think there was anything odd about you breaking out a plate of celery stalks while he’s chowing on Doritos—and that low-cal alternative snack will definitely be as satisfying as whatever he’s snarfing. Relying on “popchips” or Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches, as Waldbieser suggests, seems like it’d just encourage women to eat more of those supposedly healthier options—which makes this whole thing a zero-sum game.

Finally, to make sure that you don’t balloon up just because you’re feeling confident and loved—the horror!—the article makes its craziest proposal yet: “regular weigh-ins.” It’s unclear whether Waldbieser means that you and the boyfriend should weigh each other regularly or whether you should just be obsessively monitoring your poundage on your own. Either way… come on!

Maybe women who are in relationships do tend to gain a few extra ounces in comparison to their single friends. Even so, “Prevent Love Chub” creates a mountain out of a molehill. It acts as if gaining weight is equivalent to murdering puppies, something any sane girl must prevent from happening at all costs—no matter how crazy it makes her look to that boyfriend she worked so hard to find.

It seems that according to Women’s Health, we just can’t win—you’re either skinny and lonely or happy and chunky. And if you’re in the latter camp, and you take this advice in order to try to get thinner, chances are your hard-won BF is going to think you’re completely bonkers and dump you in favor of a girl who isn’t so insecure. Ugh. Stay classy, Women’s Health.

I gained ten pounds during that relationship and while he didn’t care – he loved seeing me in the buff despite the extra junk in my trunk – I was ready to take back the control of my life, shed the extra weight, and hit the single scene with my svelte new frame.

Only the reality was so, so different.

Not only is the single scene rather sad and over-saturated with douche bags, but being single is actually making me fatter!

There is something to be said about having someone around, and not just for the comfort and companionship that comes with a boyfriend. Passing the time with someone else keeps your mind occupied so you’re talking and cuddling and giggling instead of mentally surveying what’s in your fridge. And, not that I care about eating in front of a boy (trust me – I ate a burger and fries in front of some models once), but having anyone around forces me to check myself before I start grazing through the cupboards and housing anything I can get my hands on. Now that I’m alone I’m to my own devices, and apparently those devices involve dipping everything into peanut butter, whether I’m hungry or not.

And forget the gym. Since I don’t have anyone to look good for, I often give in to that fat little devil sitting on my shoulder and trade in Spinning time for catching-up-on-my-DVR time. I keep telling myself I’ll go tomorrow; I have so much free time, why wouldn’t I go? But then I don’t go. I put on sweats, think of things to melt cheese on and retire to the couch for the rest of the night.

The worst culprit, though, is the emotional eating that comes with dating. There is rarely an emotional roller coaster when you’re in a serious relationship. You know how he feels about you, so you’re comfortable and happy. But when you’re single, the emotional ups and downs come daily. You like someone who doesn’t like you back, you see all your friends who are blissfully happy with their own boyfriends, you spend long nights alone and you convince yourself you’re going to be single forever…

And what does that all lead to? Comfort in the form of something creamy, cold and served in a gallon tub. Which you keep eating because there is no one around to stop you. And which you don’t work off because you’re too lazy to get to the gym.

Sigh. I’m stuck in a single rut and I can’t get out. Probably because I’ve gotten too fat to fit through the door. I need motivation. I need self control. I need a padlock on my refrigerator.

I need a… boyfriend?

Yeah, so there is no doubt I’ll be on my couch with a bag of Doritos on the night of the premiere. Hey I’m going to be eating for fifteen starving freshman now! But despite my excitement, I do have one problem with this new show.

Where the hell was it three years ago? I totally could have used a show like this when I was a freshman, eating my way towards a pair of maternity pants and a premature heart attack. While I spent the summer after my freshman year eating carrot sticks and sweating my ass off on an elliptical, these kids will get free personal training and a good six months of fame out of their newly acquired bulge. Not to mention that the show is a competition, so it will most likely end with some lucky chubster being awarded a prize of some sort.

Being awarded a prize for losing your freshman 15?! All I was left with was a couple stretch marks and the need to suppress a newfound crazing for pizza at all hours of the night. I’ll tell you one thing – these are a lucky bunch of kids.

If you’re a fat college freshman, please allow me to live vicariously through you and apply asap!

And then, out of no where, the conversation turned sour.

I don’t remember how we got there, but for some incomprehensible reason, the conversation led him to say this:

BOYFRIEND: Well, you do have a little tummy.

He unwisely pats my tummy.

ME: (turning into a shrieking monster) WHAT?!

BOYFRIEND: No, I love it! It’s cute!

ME: IT’S CUTE THAT I’M FAT?!

BOYFRIEND: No! No, that’s not what I meant! It’s just that you’re getting older–

ME: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!??!!

Now, if I’m going to be 100% honest, I will have to say that he really did not mean this in a mean way. He meant that we’re comfortable together and he likes that I don’t obsessively watch what I eat anymore, and he did not mean that I’m some gargantuan fatty fat fat (I wear a size 4). But he’s right. I do have a little tummy.

And, of course, he’s right. I am getting older.

Now, at 23, that shouldn’t be a big deal. But for some reason it is.

In fact, I just read an entire issue of Allure that was about making yourself look younger.

Let me preface this by saying that I get carded everywhere I go. I have been asked, in the past two months, what grade I’m in. I am short and I am young-looking.

However, I find myself being sensitive to the idea of physical aging. I found a white hair last year and I yanked that motherf*cker out. I have begun, after years of paying no attention to my skin whatsoever, wearing moisturizer.

And although fashion magazines and the media and whatever may seem the obvious source of blame, I think it’s got more to do with my (and most people’s) family.

Am I worried about getting older and not getting married and not having kids in a timely manner? I’m confused about the timing of career/marriage/kid in an age where it’s appropriate to wait to have a family until your mid-thirties, but when I’m in my mid-thirties, my parents will be in their mid-60s. And I was raised to believe that my parents deserve–nay, are OWED–grandchildren.

So maybe I think if I stay slim and line-free, other aging issues will just resolve themselves.

Anyone else having this less-than-quarter-life crisis?

I’m not a large girl by any means, I don’t know if this breakfast was an attempt to fatten me up, or just made because the guy knew that I liked grilled cheese, bacon, and occassionally mashed potatoes. When I say that I like grilled cheese, I mean that sporadically I will eat one for lunch. I scarf a couple of slices of bacon every month or so. Mashed potatoes are strictly for the holidays. I’m very much a veggie-wraps, grilled chicken, and salad kind of gal. To be faced with a plate like this and a very eager face waiting for my approval, well it was a little much for 10AM on a Saturday.

I ended up eating the entire plate, all the while feeling myself slowly expanding. Not only that, he wanted to order pizza for dinner. If I protest, I run the risk of looking like a typical diet obsessed female, to give in is only sentencing me to more ellipitical time in the coming week.

What’s a girl to do when faced with a guy who loves to eat junk food? First of all, this is an unfair position to put me in the first place. If this guy loves to stroke my flat stomach and then pouts when I don’t order a double-cheese burger with bacon and fries when we go out to eat, what does he expect me to do? Obviously I’m going to order the salad. Only about 1% of the population can chow down on big fatty burgers and still look fabulous. So here are a few things I learned about eating with the boys:

1. Scarf slowly, very very slowly. When faced with a giant plate of spaghetti and meat-balls at some romantic restaurant with mood lighting and smarm music, take your sweet time savoring your meal and take the other half home. This works like a charm, because the guy will end up raiding the fridge for the left-overs later.

2. Know when to make substitutions. When you’re out drinking with him and his buddies at the bar, choose the light beer. I don’t care what it is. Just do it. Although that Belgian Wheat Ale is oh so delicious, if you’re going to be drinking more than a couple of beers, make them light unless you want to develop a frat boy gut.

3. I’m a big fan of ordering an appetizer along with a salad if you’re looking to cut calories when eating out. Suggest going to a restaurant that is going to have healthy choices. Thai, Vietnamese, and Japanese food are all good bets. Italian is a little trickier, what with all the pasta. Indian food can be okay, as long as you steer clear of the cream sauces and fried Samosas. I know, it’s tragic. Samosas are so damn good. If you opt for an order, only eat one. There are options anywhere you go, from veggie pizza to grilled chicken burgers (no mayo).

4. Down green tea like it’s your job after any especially hearty meal. It boosts your metabolism. I don’t remember why, but I do know that I read about it in USA Today. Not the most reputable source for sure, but have you noticed how everyone who is anyone is drinking the stuff? It must be good. Plus all that H20 is good for your skin, especially if you are eating more than your fair share of fries. If green tea isn’t available, chug ice water. Your body expends mad calories heating up all that cold water. Just don’t go crazy. We’ve all heard about those marathoners and pledges who have died from drinking too much water.

5. Don’t be afraid to call your guy out for protesting if you order something “wimpy” aka not smothered in butter, bacon, or deep fried. I had to do it myself.

“You’re drinking Miller Light? I thought you liked wheat beers?”

“You think I look like this by drinking wheat beer all the time? Sometimes you gotta go light.” He really couldn’t protest. After all, he had spent the morning oogling me in little to no clothing.

6. Don’t stress out about this too much, just know that if you start eating like a guy…inhaling entire pizzas, guzzling beer, and frequenting Chinese food buffets- you might lose your girlish figure. Good luck noshing.