Maybe it was the first sign that I was destined to be a sex columnist, but all I knew at that time was that I was fascinated with sex. I was young, so I had no desire to actually have sex, but the idea of it – he puts his penis where!? – was totally intriguing to me.  Years of absorbing all the information I could – thank you Loveline and Savage Love – I became the kid all the other kids came to with their sex questions. Not that I had any actual experience at that point, but having religiously listened to various old people talk about sex, I kinda knew what I was talking about.

Being from Canada, I was lucky enough to receive comprehensive sex education from my school from grade four to grade nine… even if sometimes my teachers didn’t know completely what they were talking about (seriously, grade nine gym teacher, it’s not called the prostrate gland). It makes me sad to know that abstinence-only sex ed is being taught at most schools in the US.

Reading the comments from my article last week, it became pretty clear to me that the basics of safe sex is a blurry area for some people because they just didn’t have anyone to teach them. So, here it is ladies and gents, a basic, honest guide to safe sex. Not from some old sexual health nurse or a creepy gym teacher, but from a sex columnist who still gets some on a semi-regular basis:

Oh, and because some of you missed out on this special day in sex ed, I feel you need to see this before reading on. It’s like a rite of passage — and the video I had to watch was even worse.
Anyways, some things to remember:

Condoms – like a raincoat protects from the rain… only backwards:

• Not all condoms are the same. Think about upgrading to Magnums or Magnus XLs if they’re constantly breaking, falling off, or your partner says that they’re too tight (guarantee it’ll boost his ego, too).
• There are other alternatives for people who are sensitive to latex. Durex makes a great brand called Advanti that’s made of polyurethane and is just as safe as regular latex condoms. Hell, some people even claim they’re better than latex when it comes to letting you feel everything (I’d have to agree).
• Condoms are also very important for anal sex. You might not get pregnant, but you can sure as hell get HIV.
• Never ever ever wear two condoms at once. The friction between layers can lead to breakage. And you don’t want that.
• Sometimes they’ll fall off (if that’s the case, try upgrading to a bigger size), but remember to just stay calm.
• The condom doesn’t have to go on right before he penetrates you. Some men lose their erections when the condom arrives, so fool around for a few minutes after it’s on. It’ll take the pressure off of him, and integrating it into your foreplay will make it seem like a lot less of a chore.
• This is one of my favorite tricks, and it’s always been very well received. And look, someone wrote a tutorial on it!
• Condoms are 85-98% effective against pregnancy, and there is some debate over how effective they are at preventing STIs. But, since nothing else will protect against them, better wrap those willies.

The pill and other hormonal methods – take the pill/needle/patch and trust it’ll work:

• Unlike condoms, you have to visit a doctor to be prescribed birth control.
• Listen to your doctor. Start when he or she tells you to, and if you’re on the pill, take it around the same time every day. Hormone levels fluctuate throughout the day, so taking it at the same time insures one of those eggs won’t slip out of your ovaries.
• If taken properly, hormonal methods can be up to 99.7% effective. So make sure you follow the instructions!

Spermicides – like nazis, but for sperm… and it goes in your vag:

• Come in sponges, foams or gels and can be bought from the drug store.
• Shouldn’t be used as the sole method of birth control, and doesn’t protect against STIs.
• Read the instructions. Some spermicides can interact badly with condoms, leading to breakage. And again, we don’t want that.

Pulling out – messy fun times:

• New studies have found that pulling out is almost as effective as condoms when it comes to preventing pregnancy. Partake at your own risk.
• Will not protect against STIs, so this is only really an option for monogamous, tested couples.
• Can actually be kinda fun, in that it’s messy and just a little bit kinky.

Condoms, with a back-up plan – the “a lot-people-actually-do-this” taboo:

• Going condomless is tempting, but should only be considered with a long-term partner.
• Before ditching the “domers”, both partners should get tested and have a full-disclosure policy about their sexual pasts.
• Ladies: if you miss a pill, or somehow make a mistake with your contraception, tell your partner. He has a right to know if there’s a heightened risk of pregnancy in your future.

Sex doesn’t have to lead to diseases and pregnancy. The most important part of safe sex is to assess the risks and benefits and decide what’s right for your situation. Make smart, responsible, and informed choices — and have fun!

[For anyone who’s super curious, this site lists the failure rate for all common contraceptives. It’s good info to know.]

HOW is this possible and WHY?!

Apparently, young Jamie Lynn couldn’t keep her legs shut and earnestly believed “she couldn’t get pregnant while she was breast-feeding.”

News flash, ladies: YES! You can get pregnant while breast feeding. And don’t even get me started on the possible father of this possible unborn baby.  Casey, you bastard…

If this internet speculation isn’t enough to get your man to slap on a condom, you might want to let him know about a few other ways he can knock you up, despite his best intentions.

Yup, we’ve got even more way to get preggers after the jump!

Yes, You Can Get Pregnant:

If You Don’t Have an Orgasm

Whether you got yours or not doesn’t matter for a nanosecond when it comes to baby-makin’. Pleasure (or lack of pleasure) is not birth control.

If You Pee After Sex

I had a guy say this to me one time after he “accidentally” came inside of me. Word to the wise, buddy: those are two different holes. Urinating after sex isn’t going to do anything except empty your bladder.

If You Jump Around/Sneeze/Cough After He Cums

Hoping to dislodge those pesky, swimming sperm with lotsa physical movement? Sperm are too fierce, fast and tiny for any of those methods to work. When a man ejaculates, the sperm are deposited deep into the vagina and will immediately begin to move up through the cervical canal.

If He Pulls Out

Once a guy gets aroused, he ejects pre-ejaculate fluid which can contain over 300,000 sperm! It only takes ONE to get you pregnant. There’s also the risk that he could cum near or around your vagina, making it possible for sperm to swim inside of you.

If You Double Bag It

Condoms are made and tested to provide a good fit, solid protection and maximum effectiveness.  Don’t mess with that. Encouraging your guy to wear two condoms can cause both to break.

If Your Mom/Sister/Grandma Had a Hard Time Getting Pregnant

While there are generalities regarding family history, eventually it all boils down to individual physiology. Just because the women before you had difficulty doesn’t mean you will. There are a few tests that give doctors an idea of how fertile you are, but no one can predict it 100%. Also, fertility is affected by the number of eggs you have as well as their quality. Currently, there’s no test for egg quality.

If You’re On The Pill

If you started taking oral contraceptives less than a month ago, doctors often recommend using a back-up method of birth control. In some women, one complete menstrual cycle is needed for the hormones in the pill to start working. If you’re lazy/forgetful and neglect to take your pills on a regular basis, they become drastically less effective. Set a timer to remind yourself to take the pill at the same time every day.

You Haven’t Had Your First Period Yet

Send this one to your little sister, pronto. A female can get pregnant anytime after she begins to ovulate. Most women ovulate about 14 days before their period begins (meaning a young girl could become pregnant even before has her very first period if the timing is right). And yeah, we’ve all heard some scary stories about 10 and 11-year-olds getting pregnant.

If You Drink or Douche With Enormous Quantities of Diet Coke

Remember the story we ran about Diet Coke – the New England Journal of Medicine reported the ingredients in Coca-Cola can act as a spermicide. First of all, do you really want to risk the possibility that your lunch hour beverage is preventing you from the hells of Jamie Lynn Spears? Second, douching with Coke is disgusting and irresponsible. Not only can it harm your reproductive system, it’s not possible to douche fast enough to keep sperm away from an egg. This is true for all douches (feminine deodorant, vaginal suppositories, sprays, etc.), not just cola.

During Your Period

Forget the b.s. your roommate told you about hormonal balances and the menstrual cycle. Every woman can get pregnant during her period, no matter how long or heavy the flow. On average, sperm can survive for 2-3 days inside a woman’s body, but it’s not uncommon for them to remain viable for up to 5 days. If sperm are deposited slightly before or after ovulation, they can hang around a few days waiting until conditions are right for conception.

If You Do It in a Shower or Swimming Pool

Repeat after me: Water is not a contraceptive. There’s nothing in water that can kill sperm or prevent a pregnancy from happening. Once sperm have been ejaculated into the vagina, water will not stop its mission to find an egg to fertilize.

In a Bathtub, Hot Tub and Jacuzzis

Convinced that hot water and/or chlorine will kill anything your man shoots out? Even men with a low sperm count can ejaculate 200 to 500 million healthy sperm!  Again, it only takes one to fertilize an egg. What’s more, in warm water with no chemicals (like a bath tub) sperm can survive for several minutes.

If It’s Your First Time Having Sex

Even if you’re a virgin, a woman’s chances for becoming pregnant are always the same, about 1 out of 20.   Source: Dr. Meredith Shur, East Side Women’s Ob-Gyn Associates, New York, NY.

If Your On Top or Standing Up

No, no, no. It doesn’t matter what position you do it in, how many times you do it or where the sexual activity is geographically located. Sperm can and will find you.

Condoms, ladies.  EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Wrap it up!