Here are the Top 5 Reasons Why.

5) When Things Pop Out In An Attempt To Scare, I Always Get Scared

I know that it’s like, part of the fun, or whatever, when the music suddenly swells and a creepy things pop up all creepy, or someone is grabbed ,or a face appears in a mirror, but that sh*t gives me a heart attack every time. I lose my breath and my heart flips out and then I get really violently angry. Like I want to punch the TV for doing that to me. I get scared and then I get pissed and then my whole day is ruined.

4) Weird Noises Always Happen Afterwards

Whether I’m back at my childhood home, in a dorm, or at my apartment, after watching (or accidentally watching) a horror movie, weird noises will keep me awake all night. It never ceases to amaze me that it happens every single time. The wood creaks, my closet door won’t shut all the way, something scurries across the floor…my bedroom isn’t haunted until I watch a scary movie. Then it’s haunted. Totally, Ghostbusterly, haunted.

3) I Get Dizzy At The Sight Of Blood

Yup. Sorry. It’s true. I never used to get woozy when I saw platelets, but after childhood ended, so did my interest in inspecting a pricked finger. If I cut myself I have to squint and then find a band-aid. If someone is bleeding around me I have to run for cover and take deep breaths. Knowing my intolerance, how could I possibly sit through 90 minutes of splattering? Watching someone get their arm ripped off isn’t really cool, but when lots of blood is involved with that arm-ripping, it becomes absolutely nauseating for me. No one should have to drag a barf bucket into a movie theater with them. Dates don’t like it.

2) I Do Not Need More Violence In My Life

Currently, life is really scary as is. I see enough horrible stuff about the Iraq War and on the streets of NYC to last me for years — why would I want to up my violence quotient with half-naked girls getting sliced in half? Scary sh*t doesn’t turn me on or excite me, it just makes me sad and simultaneously want to pee my pants in fear.

1) I Have Nightmares Like A 7-Year-Old Kid

Some people can watch horror movies and then go eat an ice cream and play scrabble with their parents. Me? I lie in bed and replay everything I saw until A) I drift off into horrible, horrible nightmares or B ) I drift off into really horrible, horrible nightmares. The kind of nightmares where you wake up and instantly want to crawl into your parents’ bed but can’t because you’re 25. I wake up in tears. I wake up running. Bad news bears, my friends. Bad news bears.

[Have any reasons of your own for not being able to watch horror movies?]

So if you want to hear about why Halloween rocks you should go somewhere else because I f*cking hate it and I’m about to make you hate it too by listing some reasons why it’s terrible and should be canceled.

Costumes: Yah, I said it. F*ck costumes. I have never trusted motherf*ckers in costumes. Why are you wearing that? People in costumes can do anything they want, and often do on Halloween, because it’s basically the official Holiday for burglary and assault.  That’s really what I want, a day where it’s impossible to spot criminals because everyone is wearing a godd*mn mask.

I don’t even like people at Disneyland and sh*t wearing costumes. Ask any nerd which day was the worst in high school and I guarantee you that Halloween is up near the top of the list. “I sure wish I knew who was beating the sh*t of out me right now, beyond ‘guy in gas mask’ and ‘guy in hockey mask!’”

Additionally, wearing costumes is probably the most uncomfortable thing ever. It’s hot and you can’t hear sh*t and you can’t run away from other people in costume without making a ridiculous shuffling noise. F*ck costumes. Unless you’re on a stage or in a movie, no costumes ever. Street performers shouldn’t be allowed to wear costumes. No one. EVER.

Candy: Yah, that is exactly what we need, an excuse to shovel more diabetes-inducing sugar into our insatiable legion of fat children. Candy on Halloween teaches people two things, how to gorge yourself, and how to beg. Why not call a spade a spade, call it ‘Insulin Day,’ and just chop everyones’ foot off right now.

TV Programming: On Halloween, every channel on the dial shows whatever scary movie they have in the vault, all night. As someone who’s imagination is more then enough to literally make me sh*t when alone in a dark room, the last thing I want is every Friday the 13^th, Halloween, and Nightmare on Elm Street playing all at once.

Haunted Houses: I don’t really feel the need to elaborate on this. Haunted Houses, hay rides, and other various haunted locales go from boring (high school) to grotesque (every haunted house run for profit) with no middle ground to actually enjoy yourself. F*ck haunted houses.

“CLEVERNESS”: It’s in quotes and caps for a reason. That’s about as subtle as people are on Halloween. LOOK HOW FUNNY/SEXY/EDGY I AM.

People dress either in lingerie (I’M A SEXY CAT/BUNNY/CONSTRUCTION WORKER/COP/DENTIST/CHEF/PERSON WHO WORKS AT HOME DEPOT), go ‘edgy’ and do something so tasteless they know it’s gonna start a fight once everyone is drunk enough (‘dude are you seriously going as someone who’s HIV positive?’), or ‘clever’ — which usually amounts to going as a hotdog or a tampon or a giant sperm. Also, anything phallic that comes with its own retarded catchphrase. Everyone has crap ideas on Halloween. The night literally destroys creativity and feeds off tacky bullsh*t.

You’re probably wondering if I go out at all. I do. I dress as a Pokemon and throw bricks through car windshields.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

Sure, Halloween might be, as Cady Heron puts it, “the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it,” but it’s also the basis for urban legends on college campuses across the country.

You might have outgrown ghost stories in high school, but many college students seriously believe the legends and lore that shroud their school, and swear that they have experienced a haunting somewhere on campus.

Hollow Hill, one of the internet’s oldest and most respected paranormal info centers, claims that college campuses are actually prime locations for hauntings and poltergeists. According to the site, “Poltergeist events most often occur when there is someone between ages eight and 25 nearby.” With tens of thousands of students falling into the 18-22 age bracket, this certainly fits the mold.

Furthermore, the site points out that colleges are imprinted with emotional scenes. Thus, colleges are ideal settings for what paranormal investigators call “residual energy hauntings.” Whether or not you believe in ghost stories, look around your dorm. What events have transpired in your very room that you don’t even know about? If walls could talk, what history would they spout about the people who lived there before you?

Speaking of emotional scenes, Hollow Hill lists tragic histories as another reason for a haunting. Many schools leave their tragic tales out of their guidebooks: suicides, fatal accidents, maybe even a supposed murder. Hollow Hill states that spirits of people who died early and tragically always regret the past, and are more apt to return to familiar sites and take up residency. Additionally, many universities are set in towns and cities with their own ghost stories. New England schools, for example, tend to be older and have many historic buildings on campus. New England is also America’s hauntings hub, being home to such events as the Salem Witch Trials and various battles between early settlers and Native Americans, which usually spawn dozens of tales themselves.

Hollow Hill provides an extensive list of haunted colleges in New England, including:

Yale University, where a ghost supposedly plays organ music in Woolsey Hall.

Harvard University’s Thayer Hall, which was originally a textile mill, is supposedly visited by ghosts in Victorian clothing. (Editor’s Note: Victorian clothing? The bad fashion alone is enough to scare anyone.)

Colby College, where a male ghost appears in Colgate Hall, and a female spirit walks the halls of Best dormitory.

University of Vermont, which has reports of hauntings in Converse Hall and Bittersweet House.

Whether or not students are skeptics or believers, many universities across the country host lectures given by ghost hunters like Lorraine Warren, a paranormal investigator and clairvoyant, who worked on the Amityville Horror case and has appeared on Road Rules with her late husband, Ed, also a paranormal investigator.

The Warrens’ website features a list of clues that a house or room is haunted. If you’ve been hearing noises or seeing unusual occurrences around campus, you might want to check it out. And if your college hosts an evening with Lorraine Warren, who now tours with her son-in-law Tony Spera, it’s definitely worth checking out, no matter what your beliefs.

[Photo courtesy of neatorama.com]

I have been reading some great books, but I’ve also been watching some horrible television.  Seriously, people.  There are shows dedicated to moving walls with holes in them and the jumpsuit-clad morons who try to jump through.  There are shows that obviously employ monkeys to write their dialogue.  There are shows that are politically based and hours long and amount to nothing!  Even HBO and Showtime can’t save me, because besides a few great series, the movies they show during the day should never have been made in the first place.

But wait!  There is some salvation – in the form of lesser known networks and their even lesser(er?) known shows.  Shows that are fantastic but rarely seen by the normal person.  Let me use my time on the couch to your benefit and educate you on the Top 5 Shows You Don’t Know Exist But Are Awesome.

Anthony Bourdain, No Reservations (Travel Channel): We’ve featured Bourdain a few times on our site, mostly because he’s an OGIF  (Old Guy I’d Like To…).  But here’s the thing, his show is actually awesome.  Unlike a lot of TV cooks, Bourdain seems to fully understand what it is to apreciate all types of food, and is pretty fearless when it comes to A) traveling around the world and B) eating random things from random places.

Bourdain isn’t interested in comfortable hotels and beaches, he wants the raw and real experience of each place he visits.  Because of this, No Reservations tends to be less about weird food and more about the people of this world; how different we are, and how weirdly the same.  Bourdain’s narration is funny, deep, and often pretty badass…plus?  He can’t stand Rachel Ray. Obviously, the guy knows what’s what in this world.

Taboo (National Geographic Channel): Do you like gross scenarios?  How about watching people do cringe-worthy things to their bodies?  I haven’t been able to get through an episode without closing my eyes at least twice, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t find the whole experience fascinating.  This world is huge, there are people out there who believe and do things you wouldn’t believe…truly, the best part about Taboo is that it’s completely real.  We are freaking weird, and this show celebrates that weirdness.  Isn’t it time you did, too?

Deadliest Catch (Discovery Channel): A documentary series on Alaskan crab fishermen.  It doesn’t sound interesting, but believe me, there’s nothing more interesting than watching these manly dudes take on ice, giant waves, and each other.  If you’re like me and have a thing for guys who look like lumberjacks (or crab fishermen), than this show is the perfect place to look for a potential husband.  Sure, some of the guys are probably legitimately crazy, but that just makes them more fun to dream about (mmm, crazy bearded manimals…)!

John and Kate Plus 8 (TLC): It’s not news that we at CC have a soft spot for this show about a family of twins and sextuplets.  There is just something inherently watchable about the Gosselins.  John and Kate are hilarious in their own ways (she’s kind of neurotic, he seems like he’s asleep half the time), and their kids are not only superbly adorable, but also really, really funny.  You would think that watching episode after episode of tantrums, screeches, and exhausting situations would totally turn anyone against having kids, but I have to say, the more I watch, the more I want some little mini-me’s of my own!  …Just not as many.

Ghost Hunters (SciFi): I’ve been watching Ghost Hunters for about 2 years, and I’m going to continue watching it until the last episode of the last season.  Is the show scary? Not really.  Sometimes they catch  weird sh*t on their tape recorders, and one time they literally caught a ghost on camera (I don’t care what you say, it HAPPENED!, but most of the time it’s just guys sitting in a dark room saying things like “what the frig?!” and “something just moved!”.  But because everyone involved in the show is just so damn real and normal, there’s a ton of strange entertainment value.

What do normal people look like when they’re watching a faucet turn on by itself? (it HAPPENED)  What do normal people do when they think something is chaising them?  Whether you believe in ghosts or not, this show is a funny and interesting look into how many people actually do.

[Any other lesser known shows the public needs to know about?  Spill!!]

(Photo from latimesblogs.latimes.com)

A few days ago, we had a phone meeting. We had our pens and paper out, ready to take detailed notes, but the phone meeting got kind of boring, and no one really wrote anything down. Except this:

Safe to say, we know how to keep it real in the office.

Now that we’re safely into our fall school schedules, fall sweaters, and fall sleeping patterns (staying up too late doing work, waking up too early to go to class), I think its high time to share a few of my favorite televised reasons to push away that term paper.

In no particular order of awesomeness:

• Chuck – Monday nights at 8/7 central, NBC – It’s very rare that a TV show makes me laugh out loud on purpose (I mean…Caveman? That just hilariously awful), but every week that I tune in, Chuck manages to make me chuckle.

The Mild-Mannered-Geek-Turned-Superspy plot allows for lots of explosions and cool fights, but it’s the interpersonal relationships between Chuck and the people around him that make this series truly pop.

Whether he’s stumbling awkwardly around his hot co-spy Sarah, dodging his sister’s (and lovably odd boyfriend’s) questions, or dealing with fellow nerd Morgan, Chuck’s life is never boring—so neither is the show.

Joshua Gomez stands out as the entertainingly awkward Morgan, and Adam Baldwin wins points for making his tough as nails spy John Casey funny when it counts most. As chuck’s sister, Sarah Lancaster is stable and adorable, while Yvonne Starhovski plays hot-spy-masquerading-as-a-wiener-girl Sarah with poise and just enough charm to be likable.

While everyone in the cast carries their own comedic weight, Zachary Levi is definitely a primo reason to watch Chuck in the first place.

As the show’s adorable nerd lead, Levi exudes just the right amount of clumsiness and budding self-esteem, and although it’s hard to believe anyone as yummy looking as him would be considered a geek, Levi plays his “everyman” role with an easy, friendly grace.

Plus, you can totally tell he’s ripped beneath those button-up shirts.

• Ugly Betty – Thursday nights at 8/7 central, ABC – Now in it’s second season, Ugly Betty continues to tackle stereotypes in funny, heartfelt ways. Reveling in minority and gay-centric characters and plotlines, Betty isn’t afraid to be edgy, but also isn’t afraid of trying to touch an audience with some old fashioned goodness.

The ensemble cast is strong, with stand outs Michael Urie as the flamboyant assistant to a fashion director and Mark Indelicato as Betty’s clothes and Broadway loving teenage nephew. Vanessa Williams and Rebecca Romijn are funnier than you’d think, and America Ferrera is quickly establishing herself as one of the best actresses of her generation.

Plus, haven’t you always wanted to know how bitchy things can get in Fashion?

• Ghost Hunters – Wednesday nights, 9/8 central, SciFi – I’ve spoken up for this reality show before, and I’ll keep doing it until I’m disappointed. Every week, the TAPS team, a group of “real” live ghost hunters, sets out to investigate hauntings all over the United States and beyond.

Spending nights in places you’d probably feel weird about being alone in during the daytime, the TAPS team do their best to document paranormal activity with video cameras, tape recorders, and personal experiences.

While they haven’t gone and found solid evidence supporting the existence of ghosties and spirits, every once in a while something pops up on the TV screen that one can explain—not even my hyper-scientific roommate.

If you’re a fan of waiting for inanimate objects to move, footage of people screaming “dude, run!” as they sprint away from something unknown, and creepy recordings of even creepier voices, then Ghost Hunters is definitely your newest favorite shows.

These are just a few of my current Work-Can-Wait obsessions. Know any shows the rest of us should be watching?