Is being friends with your ex even possible? I mean, you’ve seen each other naked many, many times. You’ve opened up to each other about some weird stuff. And you once didn’t know how you could live without him. I’m still pretty much trying to figure out the real answer to that question, but I’d like to think that, yeah, sometimes you can be friends with your ex.

But let me be clear: being friends with your ex is usually really hard and can only be done in certain circumstances. I’ve watched couples try the friend thing, only to end up in this weird hooking up relationship that made both people miserable. Or one of them couldn’t handle it and the jealousy and hurt feelings destroyed any kind of friendship they could ever have. But I’ve also watched couples who totally rock at being friends after they break up – and I’ve even done it myself. So here are some tips on how you can be friends with your ex. Because, let’s face it, they were a big part of your life for a reason – it isn’t always necessary to completely push them away.

1. Honestly consider whether or not it’s worth being friends with the guy. Because let’s face it, it’s not going to be that easy. For example, if you guys dated for a few months and things ended really horribly, but you just can’t get over him, this is not a reason to be friends. Being friends doesn’t mean it’s going to lead to you guys getting back together. I’ve seen so many girls, and been one of those girls, who have agreed to be friends with an ex just because we’re kind of hoping they’ll change their minds and go back to dating us. If that’s why you want to be friends, or if you think that’s why he wants to be friends, run away, fast.

2. Give yourselves a little time. You can’t try the friend thing immediately after breaking up — it just won’t work. The feelings are too fresh and neither of you are going to be able to handle it. You need to give each other a little bit of space. No matter how hard it is, don’t talk for a few weeks. Get over each other on your own without the booty calls and the unnecessary fighting. Those things just make the situation messy and awkward, and only lead to hurt feelings. You have to be over your romantic feelings for each other before you can try a platonic friendship, or it’s just not going to work.

3. When you do decide to be friendly with each other, you still shouldn’t rush things. I know this person was probably like your best friend while you were going out, so it’s easy to want them around all the time. But don’t quickly jump into talking and hanging out as friends 24/7 — all that’s going to do is make it easier for both of you to fall back into the same pattern you were used to when you were dating. Hang out in groups of mutual friends at first, because if you settle down in your room to watch a movie together, I can guarantee you’re probably not going to watch that movie.

4. It’s probably not the best idea to over-share. Start out by calling him once in a while to chat about random things and avoid any topic that might make either of you emotional — like, it’s not a good idea to let him know about your crazy drunk hook-up, just to prove that you don’t have feelings for him anymore. If you guys feel comfortable talking about other boyfriends/girlfriends/hook-up buddies, then go for it. But if not, just avoid the topic a little bit.

5. Don’t discuss your old relationship. Now that you guys are buddies, it might seem like the perfect time to bring up the reason you broke up and analyze it. Um, don’t. It’s only going to bring up crappy feelings and probably lead to a fight. The breakup happened and it’s done, and you two have both moved on, so there’s really no reason to continue to try to prove your point.

Just remember, being friends with an ex-boyfriend can be kind of hard. Your relationship probably won’t ever be the same as it once was, and it can be weird to adjust to that. But sometimes you guys can end up having a totally amazing friendship, and it’s so worth it.

Have you gone from ex-ship to friendship? Tell us below!

Qvestion?! Ansver: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I find myself between a rock and a hard place. My ex-boyfriend and I have turned friends with benefits. Me and my ex had dated for a year and a half, about half of the time we were at college in different towns. We started dating right after I came out of a long-term relationship that ended badly. In hindsight it was too soon for me to date again, but I was just glad to be moving on. We had a rocky month or two in our relationship with some dishonesty after we had been dating for four months. I had hooked up with one of my guy friends on my spring break trip after a long night of partying. I called my ex the next day and tried to explain to him what happened. I had never felt so guilty and ashamed about something. He was extremely hurt but we had a very strong connection and worked through it. We had an awesome summer together before we went off to college which made it extremely hard to cope with the fact I would only see him twice a month. I felt awesome when we were together and fell pretty hard for him.

During the fall semester, the same issue of trust and cheating arose again. Though I would think we talked things out, he could never quite let the topic go. Right after second semester started, things fell apart. My ex was struggling with some personal issues as well as his academics, the ongoing and recurring issue of dishonesty, and the distance took its toll. We broke up at the end of January of this year. But neither of us could let things go completely. We still talked and we saw each other once. It was so hard because despite all of the issues we had, we were so in love. And I know it doesn’t really make sense because if we were in love we shouldn’t have had our problems. But that was the frustrating part. We knew we shouldn’t have been dating at that point when we broke up but I still loved him.

In the beginning of March this year, after some pestering from my mother, I made the tough decision to actually break things off with my ex. No visiting or communicating for a while. I was so hurt that I broke up with him, still had  strong feelings
and I thought I needed to cut him off for a while. We went a few weeks without speaking and it was the hardest thing. I’ve been through a long-term relationship break up before and after a few weeks I was doing better. But I couldn’t seem to pull myself together after this one. I missed him so much and eventually caved and called him. He was relieved to hear from me and was a mess himself. Unfortunately he told me that he was talking to someone. He said he thought it would help him move on since he couldn’t get over me. They hooked up once but just became friends. My ex said he couldn’t be with someone else, even casually, when he still had feelings for me. We continued to keep in contact until we were both home for the summer in May. We have been hanging out now and I’m so happy. We aren’t dating and most of our friends don’t know whats going on. My parents also don’t know. They never really liked my ex and thought he consumed too much of my time. They also became increasing worried when me and my ex would argue or fight.

So here I am, still in love with my ex but we aren’t together. Will it ever be possible for us to have a normal relationship? Is what I’m doing completely insane? Should I just start over again and try to move on?

Sincerely,
Holding Out Hope

Dear Holding Out Hope,

Yes. Move on.

You cheated. You were dishonest. And now when you can’t have him, you want him.

I don’t think this is meant to be, HOH. You guys gave it a good try. But at this point in your lives, I mean, you’re both about to be away for college again. I don’t want to upset you, but what are you doing right now?

THIS IS A SUMMER FLING.

Everything’s lovelier when you know there’s a time frame!

So, look, enough with this shoop. If you want to keep hooking up with him, go for it, but, to be honest, I think you’re only hurting yourself.

Either way, keep this in mind:

You’re not fighting with him or cheating on him…because you’re not dating. Because there’s no pressure. Because you’re both going back to college in the fall.

Sorry, girl. Try again.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Kvetchion? Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I was with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He broke up with me because I was too “emotionally unsound”, but in reality I found out he cheated on me. He denied it, and for whatever reason I wanted to believe he was actually a good person and it was just a rumor. Though I still became kind of upset. And that is the reason there was any emotional craziness coming from me. By that point, I knew for a while that we should break up, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. We hung out every once in a while (and slept together a few times…’cause I was an idiot). Anyways, that’s not the point.

Eight months later, I was hanging out with one of my friends, and the topic of my ex boyfriend came up. This friend of mine told me the truth (he found out because he was cheating on his girlfriend with one of the best friend’s of the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with). At this point I became FURIOUS. I have never been so angry at the world before. My feelings were, “I can’t believe there are people in the world that do things that will obviously cause other people so much pain.” Cheating was honestly the last thing I ever thought I would have to deal with (boy was I wrong). So I told him that I never wanted to see him again.

A month ago, I finally realized that in order to no longer be so angry I have to forgive him (which sucks, but as soon as I realized that I felt so much better). And then he randomly facebook messaged me. I replied, because I didn’t want to be rude. And we hung out, to talk, because I had a list of questions that I wanted answered (such as: Why did you cheat on me? Why with her? Did you ever actually love me? Etc.). But he STILL denied it. And that pissed me off again.

So I have some questions for you Tuffy…

First, I realize I did a lot of stupid things regarding him in the past, is there anything I am doing wrong now? Anything I should be doing better?

Where do you think i should go from here? (p.s. I have a class with him next month).

Why in the flippity flap is he still denying it? …The only reason I can come up with is that he thinks he can make his way back into my life enough that I’ll have sex with him again.

And lastly, this has kind of made me a jadded person when it comes to fidelity and love. And it’s kinda sorta making my life extremely difficult and upsetting. Any advice for now and the future?

You are awesome.

Thanks,
Angry bitterness

Dear Angry Bitterness,

Welp, you know people cheat. Your friend who told you knew because HE was cheating. Why, Angry Bitterness? Why are people so uncool?!

Every week, Tuffettes, I read your emails and I wish wish WISH people didn’t cheat. Sometimes, as in Angry Bitterness’s case, it’s the guy cheating, and sometimes it’s the girl cheating. Either way, I just want to scream–BREAK THE FLOOP UP!!! Wouldn’t that be easier than sneaking around behind each others’ backs?! And it would certainly save a lot on both heartbreak and money for STD tests.

But, hey, back to you.

Angry Bitterness, you are not doing anything wrong. But I think you need to readjust your thinking.

This guy is probably lying. However, did you consider the (very unlikely, I’ll grant you) possibility he may actually be telling the truth?

I mean, the convoluted way in which you found out–through a friend who is cheating with the supposed cheater’s cheatee’s best friend–makes it  a little hard to verify. And, I mean, you caught the guy. Isn’t it just vaguely, vaguely possible he DIDN’T cheat?

For the record, I think he did.

But it’s worth it to consider, I think. I mean, the fact is, the two of you are not together anymore. He broke up with you before all this nonshoop. If I were you, I’d go get tested for STDs (just in case!), decide to assume he probably didn’t cheat, and then move on with your life. No responding to emails or texts or Facebook messages or whatever it is you kids do these days. This guy is just another ex now. Forget him, forgive him if you must, and move on.

As for your class with him–well, don’t sit near him. Be polite but NOTHING MORE. Don’t talk to him. Don’t be friendly, but don’t be cold. Just treat him as you would any other casual classmate: polite and silent.

Finally, there’s a third part to your question, which I totally love: “And lastly, this has kind of made me a jaded person when it comes to fidelity and love. And it’s kinda sorta making my life extremely difficult and upsetting. Any advice for now and the future?”

YES advice. Advice is: DON’T be jaded. That’s really all there is. People bounce back from MUCH MUCH worse things than a college boyfriend who may or may not have cheated. Give yourself a little more time to mourn if you absolutely must and then CHOOSE to be cheerful. And, yes, in a pretty mild situation like this, it is absolutely your choice. CHOOSE to smile, CHOOSE to get rid of the toxic people and energy in your life, and CHOOSE to live your life in as positive a manner as you possibly can. I promise, that will make all the difference.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have been in a long distance (400 miles) relationship for almost 3 years, as you can imagine, everthing started off all pretty and perfect but a lot has changed over these years.

My boyfriend is the ‘Mummy’s boy’ type – the type that will start an argument if he doesn’t get his own way. It all started in Fall 2009 – things hadn’t been great between us, he broke up with me when I was on an important placement, then a week later started a relationship with a girl from his school (I had always suspected he was starting to like her.)

I tried to cut him out of my life – delete number, email, Facebook, blah blah blah. But he kept contacting me saying that he still loved me and regretted breaking up with me. In November 2009 we got back together, and everything was blissful again… or so I thought. He had told me that he regretted breaking up with me/didn’t know why he done it and that it was a rebound. The girl he broke up with me for told me that my boyfriend was sneaky and a liar (at first I didn’t believe it, but now I am starting to wonder whether she was right.)

Last year I was snooping on his Facebook (as you do when he leaves it signed on at yours… I know I shouldn’t but…) and I saw that he had sent a message to a girl that he always complained to me was a slag. Although the message was just a friendly ‘hey how are you’ type thing, my mouth still dropped. I asked him about the message and he said she had messaged him a few week’s ago and he had only just replied…. So I then asked the girl and she said that wasn’t true.

Anyway, I forgave and forgot, Lauren Conrad style and we moved on. A couple of month’s down the line I receive an email from a girl at his school telling me that my boyfriend had just admitted sending sexual texts to another girl a couple of months into the beginning of our relationship in 2008. When I confronted him about it he said he was ‘lonely’ and that he hadn’t done it again.

Finally. Last night I got an email from an online dating site, asking me to join as my boyfriend had just signed up. WTF. I went onto his profile and he had listed himself as ‘single’ and looking for a private relationship. I asked him about it and he said to me that he just done it cause he was bored and thought it would be funny to see what type of people used it… he also  said I was over-reacting when I said I was angry.

All of my friends tell me I should break up with him (and I know I should) but it is like he is a magnet and I just cant bring myself away from him. Please, please help me. What do you think I should do in this situation?
I am just fed up of him thinking he can not respect me or our relationship. I would be so grateful for advice.

X,
B.I.T.C.H – Babe In Total Control of Herself (Almost.)

Dear Babe,

He is making a fool out of you.

I mean, how many times do you have to catch the guy before you get it through your thick skull that you are allowing him to cheat on you?!

He obviously has no respect for you. He’s more than happy to talk to multiple girls, and probably even hook up, secure in the knowledge that you’ll just forgive him. Because he thinks you’re stupid. I’m sorry to be so harsh, but this is the truth. He think you’re stupid.

He does not love you. He does not care about you. He is playing you and you’re letting him.

You don’t have to put up with this, Babe. I know he’s a “magnet” or whatever other thing you’ve convinced yourself of, but, aside from actual abuse, this is about as bad as it gets. You have no reason to stay with him. He isn’t treating you well. He’s playing the shoop out of you. And you’re clearly not happy.

The subject header of your email was “Why do I stay with him?” Well, honestly, Babe, I don’t know. Without actually knowing you, I’d guess low self-esteem. And this is perhaps the saddest part of this whole flooping letter. There are plenty of men (and women) out there who will treat you like shoop if you let them. But the question is, WHY LET THEM? Why are you letting him?? You’re asking me, but I think this is really something you’re going to have to work out for yourself. Otherwise you’re doomed to repeat the pattern.

Let me tell you a story from Aunt Tuffy’s life. Aunt Tuffy knows someone, a much much older someone, who has been “dating” a man for 10 years. This man never lets her come back to his place. She has not been introduced to his family. Sometimes he doesn’t call her for a few months, and then sometimes he calls every day telling her how much he loves her. She has been waiting around for this man for a decade, rejected other men who have wanted to date her, because she is convinced that this man is the love of her life, even though all signs tell her that not only is she not the love of his but that he is probably married. This man is also “just bored,” and, in the meantime, she has completely allowed him to dominate her thoughts and ruin her life.

Don’t let this be you, Babe. Break up with this guy and, even more importantly, get into therapy. Or, if not therapy, keep a journal, or start writing things down every single time you feel unworthy. Because this is not a lifestyle you want to maintain.

And please, please. Do this before you get into the exact same kind of relationship with the next guy.

Notice I’m calling you “Babe,” and not your chosen “B.I.T.C.H.” You’ve got to start thinking more of yourself. This is going to get you into trouble. You are a woman and you are going to act like one. Break up with this guy who treats you like a B.I.T.C.H. and, after you work on yourself a little, go find someone who will treat you like a Babe.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I never thought I’d be writing you, but I’ve been reading your advice for quite some time and I think you might be the only person I trust to give this kind of advice. To sum up my situation, I have a best friend who I’ve had since my first semester of freshman year. This best friend of mine, P, has a girlfriend that he has been with for over two years. She doesn’t go to our school and I’ve only met her once.

To give you all the details, P and I are very close and before we were really friends, he cheated on his girlfriend with me, he later found out that she has cheated on him too. You should also know that I now have a serious boyfriend that I’ve been with for almost a year, so this is not a jealousy issue. P and I are always together and people have begun to associate us with one another.

I had known from the start that P’s girlfriend is a serious shoplifter. I’m talking strolling out of department stores with a $900 dress on her arm. I have never been able to reconcile this with myself and I recently brought it up with him. He explained to me that she is from an underprivileged family and that I would never be able to understand her situation. I know that there are all kinds of people that are in bad situations who still have a basic sense of right or wrong. P blew up when I told him this. He told me that for the sake of our friendship, I should never speak poorly of his girlfriend again. I wasn’t meaning to insult her, but I don’t think what she does is in the slightest bit okay, and on top of this, I have seen him miserable on many occasions because of problems with their relationship.

I believe that he loves her, but he is a very thoughtful, kind, smart wonderful person and I’m afraid that I have lost my very best friend over this moral dispute. I don’t want to see him with a girl who so clearly lacks a moral compass.

How can I make this right?

Sincerely,
Scared

Dear Scared,
First of all, Tuffy don’t believe for one little second that this “isn’t a jealousy issue.” This is exactly a jealousy issue. You want P all for yourself. You say people associate you two with each other, and you really wish he was with a better kind of girl (aka YOU). Now, I agree with you. P’s girlfriend should NOT be shoplifting. So not cool. And his little song and dance about it being because she’s “underpriviledged” is so condescending it makes me want to vom.

Still, SHE’S the girlfriend and YOU’RE the FRIEND. If he doesn’t want you to badmouth her, DON’T DO IT. It’s really so not up to you who P dates, kiddo. He knows he has the shoplifting problem (and whatever other problems they have) but he doesn’t care. So if he doesn’t care, that’s his flooping prerogative. Here’s what Tuffy thinks is really happening: You’re feeling jealous. Yeah, yeah, you have this boyfriend or whatever. I have to be honest, I don’t think you’re fully in. Because, meanwhile, you’re alllllll up in P’s girlfriend business. If you want to be with P, dump your boyfriend and tell P how you feel. I don’t think he’s going to go for it, however, and here’s why: Even though you think he’s “miserable” with her, he’s stayed with her, long-distance and mostly faithfully, for two years. HE WANTS TO BE WITH HER.

So leave their relationship alone. And if he comes crawling to you later because it turns out you were right and they weren’t good for each other, be there as a crying shoulder. Despite what you seem to think, Scared, you don’t know everything about P or his feelings or his relationship. He does not belong to you. He is not yours to command. And, um, he already made it QUITE CLEAR that he doesn’t want you interfering. That’s the whole problem, right? Because you want me to tell you how you can interfere and break them up without his noticing. Dream on and butt out.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Kvetchtion?! Answer: Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Question?! Answer: Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Note To The Kids: I get several emails a week asking me to respond personally on email. I won’t do it. Stop asking.

Now back to your regularly scheduled column.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’ve never wanted a relationship. I mean, I’m 19 years old, why should I? Now, dating, that’s where it’s at. But I keep finding myself in sticky situations. I’ll be seeing a guy and he’ll bring up the “exclusive” conversation when, wait a second, weren’t we diggin’ this whole casual thing two dates ago? What changed?

I guess my problem is that I’m always the bad guy. I don’t intend to hurt anyone and I make sure I’m communicating that I don’t want a boyfriend right now. I don’t want to mess with their heads and I don’t want them to be unhappy. Maybe I’m toxic. But growing up, my brother was a real player and I refused to be some clingy girl who relied on the opposite sex only to be lied to, cheated on or disrespected, like many of his girlfriends.

Tell me I have a good head on my shoulders, that I have absolutely no obligation to be in a relationship and that I’m “doin’ good, kid.” Or… tell me I’m a bitch, and I should start looking for a house on a hill capable of housing many cats. You know, set me straight.

Thanks,
Casual-Cathy

Dear Casual-Cathy,

Ah, you’ve discovered the secret: guys love it when we play hard to get.

See?! SEE?! It’s true!!! Peeps be saying, ‘Hey you should sleep with him and he’ll want a relationship’; and I be saying, ‘No way, girl – you want him to stick around you play hard to get!”

Well, okay. I don’t say that EXACTLY. But, I mean, the idea is there: Guys hate it when girls are clingy, and they react when girls give them the cold shoulder. HOWEVER! That is because guys, like girls, LIKE PEOPLE, get insecure. Like, super easy. Especially when it comes to dating.

You see, C-C (may I call you C-C?), what happens is it goes like this:

C-C: Yeah, let’s just be casual.

GUY: But–but–don’t the stereotypes go that girls always want to be in a relationship?!

C-C: Mmmmnnnnyeah, I don’t think so. Let’s just date.

GUY: WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?!

C-C: Um, I gotta go–

GUY: LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME!!!!!!!

Right. So, like, you don’t want that.

Girl, look. You are absolutely right: You should NOT be dependent on some guy. And you should only get into a relationship when YOU want to, because YOU actually LIKE the guy. And, for the record, you are SO NOT the bad guy. You’re being totally honest with them. And that’s very cool.

However, it does concern Aunt Tuffy that you NEVER want to be in a relationship. I wonder if maybe you’re acting tough and shoop to protect yourself (damn you, older bro!!) and you’re not letting yourself  be juuuuust vulnerable enough to actually get to know someone who might actually make you happy.

So, honey, here’s what I think. You should date, date, date to your heart’s content (ALWAYS USE PROTECTION!!! CONDOMS EVERY TIME, FOR EVERY KIND OF SEXUAL ACTIVITY!!!). But you should leave yourself open. If you find yourself getting really interested in a guy, and then he asks about being exclusive–well, stay open to saying okay.

Exclusivity is not permanent, you know. It’s not like he’s your boyfriend and OMG THAT’S THE END. You can always, you know, break up. So NOT a big deal.

Love is good, m’kay?! So don’t just write every single guy off who likes you just because you’re afraid of getting hurt.

But, I mean, I hear the price of cat food is going down. So that’s cool.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Get more Tough Love right here. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Question?! TOO BAD. No, only kidding. Mostly. Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m suffering from heartbreak. My boyfriend is leaving me. Sort of. But only after I left him. Sort of…

Here is my situation: I have the much coveted/dreaded position of broke but oh so sexy older musician’s girlfriend. (He’s 26, I’m 20). My man is a drummer, and a very talented one at that. Before I met him, he toured with a band for a few months around Europe. When I started dating him a year and a half ago, he was (and still is) in a local garage band with a couple friends, playing local shows recording a demo, and not really going anywhere besides that. In other words, he was always broke from spending money on music (which is totally fine), always in and out of jobs and musical prospects, and most importantly, always available to spend time with me!

Fast forward into a year of our relationship and I got into an amazing absolutely time/life-sucking nursing program 7 hours away from where I was living. With my boyfriend’s 100% support, I moved, and since then we’ve been in a very successful long distance relationship for the past 6 months. But it hasn’t been without its difficulties. When I first moved, I was all by myself in a completely new city without my man or any of my girl friends and I couldn’t stop bawling everyday for the first week. (Which was bizarre for me because I am definitely not a crier!) By now I’ve gotten used to not seeing him, but man.. that first week was so bad. And I still get really depressed about only seeing him for 48 hours at a time once a month.

The thing is, we are both extremely supportive of each other when opportunities pop up. I went to Germany to visit my mom (who was military deployed) instead of spending Christmas/New Years with my man, and he didn’t once make me feel bad. We make trips to see each other about every 3 weeks, which is more difficult for me since I have more time constraints, and he never complains. And at the start of this year, he auditioned (and is now playing) for another band where he would get paid to tour with them a couple months at a time, and he told me the times that he wasn’t touring, he wanted to move in with me! Which I was totally ecstatic about, since it would be a good trial run of living together all the
time. But then….of course… another freaking opportunity popped up with another freaking (even more famous/successful) band, except this time, he would be touring (and leaving me!) for an entire year, country hopping, playing awesome festivals, getting paid, partying every night, making memories, meeting people, and most importantly, not being with me on a Saturday night loving me, making me dinner, taking me out, etc etc.

I’m so excited for him, I want him to go, I would go if anything ever popped up like this for me. In fact, I may even get to see him for a month during the summer. But I don’t want to be sitting alone in my apartment with my cats for months at a time crying my eyes out wondering what Brazillian or European girls are making googly eyes at him. And since I’m still fairly newish to the area I moved to for school, I don’t have any really close girl friends to call up on the weekends asking if they want to eat pints of Ben and Jerry’s with me.

I love him so so much, and although this email doesn’t sound like it, I actually am an independent, strong woman, but I still have my needs. It sucks only having real intimacy once a month, and to go from my man potentially moving in part time to leaving for an entire year spelunking across the world scares me. Our lives are pulling in opposite directions more and more and I’m beginning to feel left behind, as I’m sure he felt when I first moved away.. I need help coping, maybe I need a therapist, ugh. I need my man in my life.

Sincerely,
Musician’s Girlfriend

Dear Musician’s Girlfriend,

I love you. And here is why.

You ARE independent. You’re living your dream, and you’re doing it in a totally brave way. You’re going for it. And not only are you independent, but, even more importantly, you LOVE someone. I mean actually LOVE them.

Listen up, kiddos. Tuffy gets a lot of letters from people saying they love someone, only to go on and on about how the person ONLY to talk about THEMSELVES. What I like about you, Musician’s Girlfriend, is that you actually LOVE him, which means you actually WANT WHAT’S BEST FOR HIM.

That’s love, kids.

Okay, so that’s why I’ve picked your question this week, girl, because I think you two have actually got a shot.

Tuffy Luv hates long distance. Right? I think I’ve, uh, made that fairly clear.

But, in this case, I think you two might actually be able to make this work. Oh sure, you’re young, he’s in an unstable career (Aunt Tuffy’s in the arts. She know how it be.). But when two people really love each other like you two do–hell, you’ve gotta take the chance.

Now don’t go thinking Tuffy Luv has gone all softie or some shoop. Look, here are the reasons:

(1) You guys have already successfully done some long distance. So you have a structure set up already, yes?

(2) You seem to trust each other. Unless you  just didn’t mention it, no one has any suspicions of cheating or any desire to cheat.

(3) You guys are both having success independent of each other. This is great!!! No reasons to fight. Everyone’s successful. Everyone’s cheerful.

What you DO gotta do, however, is make some friends. Because, yes, you’re right, it’s gonna be a lonely year.

So my advice to you is this:

-Keep the guy.

-Make some friends. Also, getting a pet is not a bad idea, if you think you can give it enough attention and time.

-Set a schedule with the guy where you ALWAYS talk at a certain time, as close to every day as you can get.

-Plan to spend specific dates together and stick to it no matter what.

And, girl, I wish you every little bit of luck.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

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Dear Tuffy Luv,
It’s my freshman year of college and I started spending a lot of time with this boy on my floor. By a lot I mean we stay up until 3 a.m almost every night talking and he comes over to my room unannounced just to hangout, he texts me on weekends after I’ve gone out to hangout, and he flirts with me on the regular. Needless to say, I like him. The only issue is he has a girlfriend. They have been dating for 2+ years and she is still in high school, a junior to be exact.

One weekend (with a little too much alcohol in my system) I told him how I felt, and he replied by telling me he liked me but was still in love with his girlfriend and he could not break up with her. Two nights later while he was intoxicated, he loudly announced to the room how attractive I was, and that he would like to spend the night in my room. We talked about both nights and he said he would rather us just be friends and forget any of our conversations about liking each other ever happened. I am not sure what to make of this. Things cooled down for a few weeks but he is starting to spend a lot of time with me again. It’s hard to think about when his girlfriend comes to visit or he goes home for the weekend.

I think I am the better fit for him right now – he is in college and needs a more mature girlfriend – but I can’t tell him that without harming our friendship so I try to be supportive. But it sucks. Should I just move on or tell him how I feel (again)?

Please help,
I Do it Better Than Her

Dear I do it better than her,
Wrong. She does it better. SHE’S the girlfriend.

And you’re…what?! Some girl he’s got a crush on. That’s it. Don’t get cute.

But, I mean, okay. I sort of agree with you in one way. You probably ARE the better fit. Like you imply, high school is a very different lifestyle than college. Besides, how many people end up with their high school sweetheart?

Well, not many. But SOME. You don’t really know what he has with her. Just sayin’.

Don’t get involved with this guy, Annoying Moniker. First of all, you do NOT need the bad karma. I mean, how serious is this (some flirting? a few texts?) that it’s worth being a homewrecker before you’ve even finished your first year of college?! Honestly. Unless you’re sure you’re gonna marry this guy, there’s no reason to get all up in this kind of bullshoop.

Secondly, how skeezy is it that this guy is flirting his ash off while he has a long-term girlfriend?! Any reason you have to think he wouldn’t turn right around and do it to you?

Cuz, um, he will.

If you feel you absolutely must, you can take one more shot at it. (ONE.) Have lunch with him or something and explain to him that you really like him but you’re not willing to be the other woman or to play games. Tell him you’d like to date him but only if he breaks up with the other girl. If he doesn’t want to break up with the other girl, that’s fine, but then he has to understand there will be absolutely no more flirting or anything of the kind.

But personally, Obnoxiously Self-Involved Moniker, I don’t think it’s worth it. There are SO many guys at college. For floop’s sake, couldn’t you just find one without a girlfriend?

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

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