Flynt, the fat guy who founded Hustler, and Francis, the genius creep behind Girls Gone Wild are outraged at the fact that the economy has bent the porn industry over and given it to them hard. Too graphic? Sorry.

Let me, rephrase. Apparently, XXX DVD sales have dropped a whopping 22%! That’s enough to make anyone’s panties jaw drop…

Flynt says that with the economy at a low, sex is the farthest thing from people’s minds (I wonder where he’s gettin his info from, cuz we’re pretty sure it’s not the farthest thing from our mind) and “It’s time for Congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America.”

Yes, Congress. Share some of that sexual appetite we know you are all hiding, you sexy lawmakers, you.

The two men are asking for a $5 billion bailout and Mr. Francis himself is marching up to Washington to propose the bailout himself. Um, really? Seriously?

This gives whole new meaning to a stimulus package.

This mantra grows increasingly ineffective the longer I am forced to live under the same roof as my mother. If you are lucky enough to have left behind your home home for your school home, then God bless you, throw a kegger in your living room (on a motha effing TUESDAY!) If you, like me, have yet to escape your personal circle of hell, I’ve compiled a small guide to maintaining your sanity as well as familial relations for the remainder of this short (but dear Allah, oh so long) stint back home. Because, let’s face it, being disowned would be counterproductive if your parents still pay the majority of your tuition/rent/medical bills and whatnot.

Scenario: You come home from a bar crawl, unhappy matriarch/patriarch up and awaiting your return, toe tapping a Morse code slew of disapproving comments.

Solution: Passive Aggression. Outwardly, bow your head and accept the berating and “Not under my roof” nonsense. Avoid eye contact, showcasing your humility and apologetic demeanor, all the while making easier your inner thought process: “Haha! You are merely projecting your jealousy onto me because you can’t go out till 3 am! At school, this is an early night! Mwahaha!”

Immature, yes. But engaging dear old Dad in a heated debate about your rights as an adult probably won’t go over so well right now. At a more convenient time, explain to your parents that you have successfully survived (insert number of) years away from home by employing your own methods of sustenance, safety and–ahem–entertainment. They will respond to your rational explanation and hopefully won’t impose some bizarre curfew on you. Throwing in a few compliments to them (“You’ve raised me to be responsible, mature, whatevs”) can’t hurt either.

Scenario: Waking up at 6 am, according to your parents, is the normal and productive lifestyle you should be leading.

Solution: Evasive Action. Sleeping in is usually encouraged by not having a job, which may be the real reason your parents have a problem with you getting your much needed rest. If you do have a job, though, or it doesn’t require that you wake up at the ass crack of dawn to be a good employee, throw on a sleep mask, get some ear buds and lock your door. When you do eventually begin your day, your parents will inevitably assume you’ve been sleeping and begin to criticize you. At this point you can a) craft an elaborate excuse as to why you invented your own Do Not Disturb signs (composing a symphony, welding, extremely detailed pedicure) or b) inform your parents that they are being unreasonable and inconsiderate of your needs as a growing girl. The next time you drift off, picture yourself back at college, where napping is seen as a necessary daily component and not a source of ill will.

Scenario: Constant pestering about your grades, career, health, love life, bank account, etc.,

Solution: Rationing and Regulating. Ah, college. Land of cheap beer, philosophical discussion, hot guys and occasional phone calls to and from home. A few times a week ( if that!), you call home to brag about a great paper grade, tell a funny anecdote, or occupy yourself on your way to class. This serves the purpose of assuring your parents that you are alive, well, and not on Girls Gone Wild (not that you couldn’t call home if you were on GGW, it would probably just be a much more interesting conversation). It also enables you to control the amount of information your loved ones can wield against you during arguments about whether you’re “on the right path” (yeah, my family is probably dysfunctional.) I see no reason not to employ this tactic at home as well.

While you cannot simply hang up in the middle of a face to face conversation–I’ve tried it, trust me– you can change the subject to highlight an area of your life that is slightly more appealing to the fam’s best interests. Don’t lie or ice your parents out, this will only backfire; just casually ease off the topic of boyfriends (or lack thereof) and explain (in great detail) a theory you learned about in class. They love knowing where their money’s going, and showing off your fancy schmancy improved I.Q. should go over well, you genius, you.

While I understand that these situations are the very least of the conflicts you will confront after moving back home (at least in my case they are), many of these solutions can be applied to other issues. The bottom line is, moving back into your parents house for the summer may cause you to revert to your 15 year old self in their eyes. The key is to show them that you are not the moody and irreverent teen they’re picturing. You are a mature young woman who deserves their respect and trust. Now go hang out by their sweet pool, help yourself to their fully stocked fridge and crank that AC up allll the way baby, because those perks are definitely something we’ll miss come September.

What problems have you run into Mom and Dad-wise, now that you’re back at home? How do you deal?

[Photo courtesy of motherdaughtercatfight.com]

The mustard belt will remain on U.S. soil for another year.

Amy Winehouse seems to be mastering the art of multi-tasking

Ashley Dupre attemps to “drop negativity from her life.” Quite a large task, no?

Doin’ it doggy style? You could be breaking the law.

Fad Diets: First the Cookie Diet, now a McDonalds Diet?!

Venus Williams: the favorite child

I’m sorry, did I miss something? Are these men actually attractive?

In most cases I would say the only reason that women date rich, ugly celebs is for their money, however, the women who date them have money.

When you’re a rich man from “The Lucky Sperm Club”; born into wealth, fed caviar from platinum baby spoons and vacation in The Hamptons only to return to your opulent, unnecessarily extravagant, fully-staffed mansion, you’re also a man who is getting laid (frequently) by babes.

It seems that a “dating hierarchy” comes with gobs of money. The bottom position has a minimum of 500,000 grand a year. Minimum. Looks, PERSONALITY, INTELLIGENCE, and chemistry are completely null and void. If you’re a dude who comes from wealth, even more so if you’re “famous” (or if your parents were), Status, society, inheritance, bloodlines, and Rolls Royces are what guarantees you a date. Love is measured in gold, last names, thick wallets and RSVP’s.

Certain women are destined to fall for these sugardaddies; bad lines, smashed puppy dog faces, and awful egos magically transformed by the power of green into something resembling attractive.

CASE(S) IN POINT:

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. VOMIT.

Kourtney Kardashian (Kim’s sister- former homemade sex tape babe) and Scott Disick. She’s a babe, and he’s…?

Brandon Davis and formerly Misha Barton. He looks like the lovechild of David Gest and Ricki Lake.

Stavros Niarchos and all of the daft chicks who lack judgement enough to date him.

Brody Jenner. Okay, I will admit, he’s stunning. And I’d like to touch his abs, however–beyond that, he’s got a whole lot of…? Hair?

AND MORE RICH DOUCHEBAGS:

*Scott Storch: Producer previously linked with Christina Aguilera….white dude who acts like an SNL skit 24/7.

*Everyone with a penis on The Hills, Laguna Beach, and Newport Harbor.

*Joe Francis: The Girls Gone Wild creator. How much liquor did he have to feed those girls to get naked?

I’m sure that there are plenty of wealthy men out there who aren’t absolute schmucks, but why do so many of them get away with zero personality/charisma and normal human behavior? I’d really like to know…

Anyone to add to a non-douche list? If not, please continue to add your picks for “RICH DOUCHE OF THE YEAR”

He’s more than a crybaby who had a panic attack in jail and was tied up in his own home. He’s more than an obnoxious frat boy in a designer suit.

Joe Francis is a good guy.

At least according to Joe Francis.

Meetjoefrancis.com is the Girls Gone Wild creator’s new online endeavor to show the world that his past behavior was all a misunderstanding…something he’s been plagued by his whole life.

“I’m excited to have this opportunity to introduce myself to you personally.” Francis writes on his homepage.

“Over the years, I’ve gotten used to being misunderstood.”

“From as early as the first grade, when a teacher’s aide took offense at my efforts to get her attention by putting a tack on her chair, to more recently, when a certain Southern judge took a relentless interest in putting me behind bars, it seems that I have been in a constant struggle just to be understood as a regular guy trying to get by in life.”

Putting a tack on someone’s chair to get attention? More like putting a tack on someone’s chair to watch them sit on a tack and laugh.

Francis attempts to continue to defend his ‘gosh darn regular joe’ persona by describing in vivid detail his first childhood crush.

“Miss Davis was a teacher’s assistant. I remember her as a tall, slender woman with great breasts, the face of an angel and the kind of eyes you can lose yourself in. What the hell am I talking about. I was 6. The point is, I was in love.”

6 years old and he’s already thinking about boobs.

You know, Joe? I don’t think you’re misunderstood at all.

You’re exactly what we’ve always thought you were: a self-absorbed ass who thinks he’s awesome.

“Mom told me to call you.”

“Cool.”

“What are you doing?”

“Cooking chicken on my Foreman Grill.”

“Cool.”

Admittedly, not very interesting. But every once in a while, we get into discussions over the trusty AIM, when both of us are either too exhausted to work or too stressed out to type another academic sentence, that go above and beyond my brother’s grilling expertise. He’s a good liaison into the male mind and often has straightforward things to say…that is, when he’s not playing computer games…or eating…or watching the Cartoon Network.

Today’s discussion? Porn.

(21:42:)Me: why do dudes like Girls Gone Wild? What’s the allure?

(21:43:) The Bro: normal men don’t because normal, smart men realize pornography is free

(21:43:) Me: but how did it become so famous?

(21:43:) The Bro: …its not as famous as it projects itself

(21:43:) Me: why would someone watch a girl with most of her clothes on when he could watch a totally naked chick?

(21:44:) The Bro: I have no idea really, I guess the fact that they aren’t ‘professional’

(21:44:) The Bro: just drunk

(21:44:) Me: and that’s cool?

(21:44:) The Bro: I guess

(21:44) The Bro: why do women buy $500 bags?

(21:47) Me: what would you think if a girl you knew was in one of those videos?

(21:47) The Bro: I don’t think I’d care. It’s their prerogative. She made a decision to get fucked up, and she (somehow) signed a release while drunk enough to think she’d ever wear a girls gone wild t-shirt in public

(21:49) Me: is that all they get? A T-shirt? No money?

(21:49) The Bro: Ya, they don’t get paid.

(21:49) Me: how do YOU know so much about it?

(21:50) The Bro: because I actually READ. That or I just have better comprehension and memory.

(21:50) Me: we all know you’re the smarter child…

(21:50) The Bro: I’ve got nothing to hide. I’d gladly admit I look at porn on the internet. Frequently. Any man who says they don’t isn’t telling the truth.

(21:52) Me: what do you think about porn?

(21:53) The Bro: I don’t.

(21:53) Me: It makes me sad sometimes because I think about the people involved…I think that they’re probably not having fun at all…

(21:53) The Bro: Eh. Lots of people don’t have fun at their jobs…

(21:54) Me: Like, maybe they’re orphans and porn is their only way to make ends meet…

(21:54) The Bro: I generally don’t create my own sad fantasy about it, kinda ruins it.

(22:03) Me: So, defend porn in one sentence.

(22:03) The Bro: It’s a very human thing.

(22:04) Me: That’s eloquent. Hefner would be proud.

(22:04) Me: Any final words before I go back to work?

(22:05) The Bro: Nope

(22:05) Me: Nice.

(22:06) Me: …how do you really spell Forman Grill?

(22:06) The Bro: Foreman

(22:06) Me: Cool. You’re definitely the smarter one.

All the money in the world couldn’t save Joe ‘Douchbag’ Francis from spending the first part of spring cooped up in a cell, and I guess the orange jumpsuit life isn’t suiting him at all.

“He can’t sleep. He hasn’t eaten properly. He’s prone to anxiety attacks” claims Francis’s laywer, “He came back to his cell from a (lawyer) visit (this past week) and was told that he wouldn’t get his Xanax pill because he’d missed the medication cart that day. He went into a full-blown anxiety attack.”

May I be the first one to start laughing hysterically? Guess Mr. ‘Girls Gone Wild’ isn’t as cool as everybody thought. Guess Mr. ‘Girls Gone Wild’ is just as prissy as the chicks he feeds alcohol to until they undress themselves for a camera. He must have been so busy making poor man’s porn that he missed the memo that clearly explains how jail is not a vacation.

I’m sure he’ll get out too early and pay his way into a quick trial, but for every day he’s behind bars, I smile a little wider. Let this be a lesson to assholes everywhere: eventually, it’s all gonna catch up to you, and when it does, ain’t nothin’ gonna save your butt from feeling the burn of Karma’s payback.

Not surprisingly, Francis is not going quietly. The lawyers for the women claim that Francis threatened them and refused to surrender to U.S. Marshals. And to go even further, he claimed that it was a case of “judge gone wild.” Cute. Very cute play on words Joe.

The question is, will anything actually happen? Or will he just use the $29 million he makes a year from girls flashing their boobs to the camera while intoxicated to get out of this easily with a settlement? My guess is that the second of the two options will happen and Francis will escape jail time. I always figured that it was inevitable for him to get in trouble due to the amount of minors that are coerced into appearing on videos, and for the number that claim they didn’t know what they were doing, blah blah blah.

Maybe this legal scuttle will put a damper on plans for the restaurant chain. Or maybe it will simply disappear quicker than the memories of drunken girls who flash their ta-tas on video.

Should Joe Francis go to jail?

No, my friends, aliens have not landed nor has Y2K returned. The situation is much, much worse. Girls Gone Wild is becoming a restaurant chain.

Yes, you heard me correctly and I sh@! you not.

According to Stuff.co.nz, “A restaurant chain under the Girls Gone Wild brand name is being planned by Joe Francis, whose Mantra Films’s has built a $US100 million business videotaping and selling the DVDs featuring young women exposing their breasts.”

I mean, is this really necessary? Is there a void somewhere I don’t know about in the American Dining Experience that Hooter’s has failed to deliver? I guess only time will tell.

To celebrate this joyous occassion, we here at collegecandy.com would like to offer the following menu suggestions:

• The Double “D”-licious Burger
• Chicken McNip-lets
• The Vanilla Shake-Your-Ass
• and the ever popular Pink Taco Plate.

Click here to read the article.

And for those of you who want to play along at home, Bodog.com, “the world’s largest online sports betting destination” is taking odds on whether or not Antonella will take the deal or not. How do ya like that action?

Whether she will or won’t remains to be seen. But the sure money is on Antonella. For a girl who cannot sing, she is certain to make some “CHA-Ching”!

Will Antonella take the the Girls Gone Wild gig?