I know more about these women than I do about our forefathers.

Every Friday I head home from work, tear off my bra, put on my biggest pair of sweatpants, order in Pad Se Ew and settle in for a night of TV. Lame? Maybe. But get back to me after you’re working 60-hour weeks in the real world. Friday nights on the couch are sacred.

Last week, as I fired up the DVR to catch up on all the shows I’d missed from the week, I had a rather enlightening moment. Sorta like an Oprah “aha!” moment, only way more embarrassing. My entire DVR was taken up by reality shows. Top Chef, Project Runway, The Real Housewives, Ace of Cakes… Hell, I even had a little Real World/Road Rules Duel on there.

I looked around to make sure none of my neighbors could see my TV through the windows. I mean, I know I like me some crappy TV, but this was just mortifying. My entire life revolves around watching train wrecks on camera! But maybe it’s not that sad? I mean, everyone loves themselves a little trash now and then, right? Those shows are on for a reason. And some of them are actually really good! Maybe not anything on E!, but we can all learn a thing or two from The Biggest Loser, right?

Right?!?

To make myself feel better about my addiction (and my sad, lame life) I asked the CollegeCandy writers to share their reality TV faves this week. You know you got one, too. Share it in the comments! Read More »

In a world where former strippers get their own TV show (thank you, Girls Next Door), 16-year-old girls are dancing on polls in front of a live audience (I’m looking at you, Miley), and middle-schoolers are rocking thongs, seeing a pole-dancing stripper doll for children comes as no surprise.

I’m just curious as to what’s under that (rather modest) dress… What? Is that gross?

Taylor Swift is everywhere! 

Everything you need to look your best.

Is Fergie as Fergalicious as a brunette?

Watch out Denise Richards, rumor has it, that the show’s cursed.

What did Barbie teach you?

You could be Hef’s next Girl Next Door, literally.

Feud Alert: Miley Cyrus vs. Radio head! Which team are you on?

No cash? Check out these deals of the day.

Cher or Britney, who wore it best?

Watch out for these online dating red flags.

Chris Brown is facing 9 years and, worst of all ,he loses the Doublemint ad. What’s goin on?!

Krispy Kreme is my valentine…

Wanna rock fake eyelashes but just can’t seem to get ‘em on? This’ll help!

The last ‘Girl Next Door’: Bridgette finally has a man… but who is he?

Remember “Animorphs”?!?!

Holy crap, Robert Downey, Jr. is HOT.

Valentine’s Day under $25? Sounds good to me!

Uggs will never go out of style…

Madonna on the cover of W lookin’ mighty fine!

Did they say FREE TUITION?

Girls Next Door’s leading ladies, Kendra Wilkinson, Holly Madison, and Bridget Marquardt are slowly trickling off the bunny ranch. To Hef’s dismay, his girls are looking for bigger and better (and dare we say younger?) things in life. So let’s re-cap:

First, Holly, Hef’s main squeeze, discovered about six months ago that her little Puffin had no intention of getting married OR having children. (But let’s be real, Holly. I know you love him and all, but the man is 82. Did you really think he’d want to go down that road at this age…again? Regardless, we love you for trying.) After discovering the chances of becoming the next Mrs. Hef were slim, fat, and none, Madison got pretty depressed and announced her split from Hefner. Since then, it’s been confrimed Holly’s dating mindfreak, Criss Angel. Read More »

In this episode, the Lohans FINALLY get to Vegas! They didn’t fly there in a private jet though, which I’m gonna admit was a bit of a let down (I expected some major control issues and perhaps Dina’s debut as a pilot), and there was no liquor fueled dramz. While the episode was age appropriately absent of hard booze, it was heavy on the whine.

For some reason, Ali chooses to adopt an even more nasally tone for this 25 minute tribute to ungratefulness. She complains in this obnoxious tantrum pending voice about all of the trials life has delivered to her. Like the fact that she, her awesome brother and (arguably) cool mom have to live in a tricked out penthouse at the Palms while she records her album. I guess it gets pretty taxing when you’re attending all of these exhausting “Welcome to Vegas!” parties (with delicious looking cake) thrown just for you by the f*#king Maloufs.

Ugh, sorry about that. Anyways, Dina introduces Ali (who is wearing a gorgeous but way too mature minidress) to a bunch of important 30 something guys that she wants Ali to “get comfortable with.” Dina baby, they’re mentally undressing your 14 year old — not very comfort inducing, I would say. The men all flirt with Ali while she fidgets, present her the aforementioned cake (note to self, go buy something with chocolate as soon as I’m done writing) and begin an episode long tradition of complimenting Ali and promising her she’s the next big thing. Read More »

There is nothing more visually exciting and brain numbingly frivolous than the classic E! show Vegas episode. When the Girls Next Door go, I can’t wait to see how underdressed Kendra will be. When the Sunset Tan “ladies” go, I make sure to wear orange. So I’ve been really excited for the Vegas episode(s?) since Dina first discussed it in the first show. Every week since then, I have been taunted by promises of Vegas debauchery (at least I hope so) and yet I still have seen no Vegas. That said, I’m beginning to wonder: will this family actually ever get to Vegas?

This week’s episode, unfortunately but expectedly, was lacking in Vegas. It was chock full of boring-ness though. I got the feeling that the producers wanted to spruce up the season, and added some filler episodes before the big climax. This episode was Baby’s Breath to the bouquet of Living Lohan.

Basically, no one wants to go to Vegas with Ali and Dina. Dina tries to coax excitement out of Cody. She ruthlessly wants to uproot her only responsible child from his busy social life and sports schedule to go party in Las Vegas. She tries bribing Cody with Niketown swag. She tells him of all the fun he’ll have. She finally realizes that he is eleven and she has the upper hand. Cody’s going to Vegas whether he likes it or not. Read More »

I have been eagerly anticipating the premier of the Lohan reality show since Perez announced it a few months ago. Monday’s premier more than exceeded my expectations. I’m sorry about the delay, but I wanted to be absolutely sure that I had absorbed all that I could from this trainwreck collision of Kardashiantics, Real World-esque shouting matches and Girls Next Door intelligence. The show, in a word, is brilliant. In two words, it is brilliantly horrible. Enjoy.

The show begins with a montage of sexy photos all over the house, Dina explains how nothing is more important to her than family (except for press/publicity) as she breaks up a typical sibling playfight between Aliana (Ali) 14, and Dakota (Cody) 11, showcasing how normal they are.

In the kitchen, Dina and her assistant Alexis lament the difficulties of being placed on hold to get out of Jury duty (obviously Dina has other incredibly important things to do). They immediately dive into a harrowing tabloid scanning sesh. Dina explains how sad it is that every morning the poor thing has to go through every single tabloid to see if she’s in it (oh yeah…or any of her kids/clients). Cody, who I am completely in love with, interrupts as the voice of reason, wondering why his Mommadukes has to read the tabloids. She can’t explain. I can’t either, Cody. Read More »

“The Girls Next Door star Holly Madison and Playboy founder Hugh Hefner still have babies on the brain. ‘There has been lots of trying — lots of trying!’ she told Usmagazine.com at Playboy’s Ninth Annual Super Saturday Night bash in Arizona.”

But no really, for the sake of everyone’s imagination, please stop trying.

Does Holly keep bowls of Viagra throughout the Playboy Mansion trying to convince Hef that they’re M & Ms? Doesn’t Hef fall asleep after three thrusts? He’s 82. I’m sure he’s young at heart, but come on. I’d imagine that any sperm that he’s got left is bent or way too exhausted to swim very far.

And as for the title of that US mag article, I highly doubt that Hef has babies on the brain. His to-do list consists of robe wearing, a nap, eating, another nap and trying to find his way through his mansion. Trust me, being one of the oldest fathers on the planet is not on there. Read More »

While at the airport this week, I observed a woman clutching a scraggly toy-sized dog decked out in a Ralph Lauren polo shirt made for a six-month-old child. Ew. Just because owning an animal is like having a child does not mean that the dog’s fur has stopped acting as its clothing. Now even dogs are subject to the materialism of today’s society.

Maybe it started with Paris Hilton or the talking chihuahua in Taco Bell commercials, but the dog trend never really sunk in on a personal level until I visited my former college roommate…and her new puppy.

It scared the hell out of me. Not the dog himself, he’s a teeny dust-mop-esque guy that legitimately bites your ankles, clothing, and anything else he can get to. What frightened me was the idea of what people are getting themselves into (please see single, childless friends referring to themselves as parents) and the fact that I really am that big a commitment-phobe.

Sure, many of us grew up with pets, but there was no actual “raising” going down on our end. It wasn’t our job to shop for pet carriers or plan out potty schedules, that’s what our parents were for. Now that we’re on our own (ish), so many people who want an animal are just looking to use it as an accessory. Puppies are like a new pair of Chanel shades, right? Only they love you back? Read More »