Goodbye, Jon and Kate Plus 8!

What do you think of the structured shoulder?

Nick Lachey is employed.

What is Robert Pattinson most afraid of?

Is anyone really shocked by this Hugh Hefner news?

And this is why you should always leave a tip.

I know more about these women than I do about our forefathers.

Every Friday I head home from work, tear off my bra, put on my biggest pair of sweatpants, order in Pad Se Ew and settle in for a night of TV. Lame? Maybe. But get back to me after you’re working 60-hour weeks in the real world. Friday nights on the couch are sacred.

Last week, as I fired up the DVR to catch up on all the shows I’d missed from the week, I had a rather enlightening moment. Sorta like an Oprah “aha!” moment, only way more embarrassing. My entire DVR was taken up by reality shows. Top Chef, Project Runway, The Real Housewives, Ace of Cakes… Hell, I even had a little Real World/Road Rules Duel on there.

I looked around to make sure none of my neighbors could see my TV through the windows. I mean, I know I like me some crappy TV, but this was just mortifying. My entire life revolves around watching train wrecks on camera! But maybe it’s not that sad? I mean, everyone loves themselves a little trash now and then, right? Those shows are on for a reason. And some of them are actually really good! Maybe not anything on E!, but we can all learn a thing or two from The Biggest Loser, right?

Right?!?

To make myself feel better about my addiction (and my sad, lame life) I asked the CollegeCandy writers to share their reality TV faves this week. You know you got one, too. Share it in the comments!

Norah – Drake University: I’m obsessed with cake shows. I can’t deal with the drama of other reality shows, but I like to watch people make pretty cakes that look impossible to eat.

Brithny – Duke: So You Think You Can Dance, because of the amazing… dancing. Obvi.

Kim – Stanford: Life would be a little less complete without SAY YES TO THE DRESS on TLC. Who doesn’t love weddddings?!

Lauren H – The New School: Top Chef! I’m a big food nerd, so I watch a lot of the food-based contest shows, but Top Chef is by far the best. The only downside is I’m always hungry after!

Caitlin – University of Alabama: I love E!’s reality shows like Girls Next Door, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami.  UGH but those Lamas…that’s 30 minutes of my life I’ll never get back!

Charlsie – Hollins University: Keeping Up With The Kardashians is my favorite reality show because when Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney get into fights they refer to each other as “stupid bitch ass whores.” If it wasn’t for this show, my sister and I would have boring arguments. The Kardashians keep us fresh with insults and put-downs!

Laura – St. John’s: Rock of Love.  I never tire of the varying extremes of trampy-ness these girls will go through to prove their love to Bret Michaels. (Really? Bret Michaels is the best you can do?)

Ricki – University of Michigan: The Bachelor/Bachelorette – It’s impossible to not believe in true love when every date they have is jet skiing in Hawaii or being alone on a deserted island.

Thu – USC: The City, if it is even considered “reality.” You kind of live a fabulous life vicariously through the people.

Leah – Ryerson University: What Not to Wear and Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style because everyone should feel fabulous about the way they look.

Anna R. – Northeastern University: My favorite reality show is The City. I didn’t watch the first season, but now I’m obsessed with it. It’s SO much better than The Hills (which is really lame and pointless now), and the girls’ jobs are actually interesting to watch. Plus, I love seeing what they are all wearing!

Kiki – University of Missouri: I spent at least nine hours of my life this summer watching 16 and Pregnant marathons on MTV. It’s like True Life mixed with Maury mixed with the best damn abstinence education ever.

Samantha – UC Santa Barbara: VH1’s Tough Love! The women are such train wrecks that it’s hard not to watch! Best of all, no one gets kicked off, so your favorite tranny look-alike is there every week for your viewing pleasure. Watch as these women work through their “daddy issues” and try to find love. Priceless quotes to throw around with the roomies guaranteed.

Sarabeth – University of Texas: I may or may not have seen every episode of Say Yes to the Dress. I mean, come on, really expensive and really pretty dresses mixed with a few horrible women with bad taste? It’s Amazing!

Hillary – Columbia: I watch a ton of awful television, but my favorite reality show will always be Man Vs. Beast, a two-hour special aired by Fox in 2003. In it, people competed against animals in a variety of competitions—a sprinter raced a giraffe, a Sumo wrestler had a tug-of-war with an orangutan, and, maybe best of all, competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi had a hot dog eating contest with a bear. Seriously. Just watch a few clips. They’re amazing.

Erica – Kent State University: The Rachel Zoe Project.  LIT-ERALLY, I love watching Rachel (aka The-Walking-Panic-Attack) & Taylor (aka The-Five-Year-Old-Who-Somehow-Made-It-Into-The-Fashion-Biz) go BANANAS.  Seriously, Rachel has influenced my closet and my vocab.  LOVE her.

Kelly- Simmons College: I love the Real Housewives. My roommate and I watch the end-of-season marathons and get completely hooked for 12 hours about people we don’t like and don’t actually care about. What other show can do that?

Zahra- Northwestern University: Lately I’ve been obsessed with Tool Academy. It’s hilarious when the guys break things or get into fights to show off their manliness, but also brings me to tears when I see girls finding out about their guys’ infidelities.

Alex – Lakehead University: My favourite (yes, Canadian spelling!) reality show is Paranormal State on A&E. College students who moonlight as ghost hunters?! I’m in! Plus this show features some very unique stories, like the demon that follows them through several episodes. I’m hooked!

Jasmin – University of Missouri: HGTV’s House Hunters. Strange, I know, but it’s addictive. When I leave Mizzou for the real world, I’ll be ready to remodel my dream home.

In a world where former strippers get their own TV show (thank you, Girls Next Door), 16-year-old girls are dancing on polls in front of a live audience (I’m looking at you, Miley), and middle-schoolers are rocking thongs, seeing a pole-dancing stripper doll for children comes as no surprise.

I’m just curious as to what’s under that (rather modest) dress… What? Is that gross?

Everything you need to look your best.

Is Fergie as Fergalicious as a brunette?

Watch out Denise Richards, rumor has it, that the show’s cursed.

What did Barbie teach you?

You could be Hef’s next Girl Next Door, literally.

Feud Alert: Miley Cyrus vs. Radio head! Which team are you on?

No cash? Check out these deals of the day.

Cher or Britney, who wore it best?

Watch out for these online dating red flags.

Krispy Kreme is my valentine…

Wanna rock fake eyelashes but just can’t seem to get ‘em on? This’ll help!

The last ‘Girl Next Door’: Bridgette finally has a man… but who is he?

Remember “Animorphs”?!?!

Holy crap, Robert Downey, Jr. is HOT.

Valentine’s Day under $25? Sounds good to me!

Uggs will never go out of style…

Madonna on the cover of W lookin’ mighty fine!

Did they say FREE TUITION?

Girls Next Door‘s leading ladies, Kendra Wilkinson, Holly Madison, and Bridget Marquardt are slowly trickling off the bunny ranch. To Hef’s dismay, his girls are looking for bigger and better (and dare we say younger?) things in life. So let’s re-cap:

First, Holly, Hef’s main squeeze, discovered about six months ago that her little Puffin had no intention of getting married OR having children. (But let’s be real, Holly. I know you love him and all, but the man is 82. Did you really think he’d want to go down that road at this age…again? Regardless, we love you for trying.) After discovering the chances of becoming the next Mrs. Hef were slim, fat, and none, Madison got pretty depressed and announced her split from Hefner. Since then, it’s been confrimed Holly’s dating mindfreak, Criss Angel.

Around the same time, Kendra also announced she would be moving out of the mansion. Rumors had started to spread she was seeing someone else and the latest news is that Kendra is actually engaged to Philadelphia Eagels widereciever, Hank Baskett. OF COURSE she’s engaged to a football player. The 23-year-old self-proclaimed tomboy and sports junkie, Wilkinson never seemed that into Hef anyway…

And that brings us to the lone ranger of the Girl’s Next Door… While 35-year-old Bridget hasn’t announced any type of seperation from the Playboy founder, she’s been quoted saying she doesn’t know how much longer she’ll be a girlfriend. Bridge has been filming a show for the Travel Channel called “Bridget’s Beaches” during the past few months, missing all the break-up drama. She made her first public appearence since the splits at the annual Halloween bash at the Mansion.

Hef’s already replaced his lost loves. He has asked Playboy’s newest twin Playmates Karissa and Kristina Shannon to move into the mansion, though they aren’t his girlfriends…yet.

But no worries, Girls Next Door is still scheduled for a sixth season.

…wonder how that’s gonna work?

For some reason, Ali chooses to adopt an even more nasally tone for this 25 minute tribute to ungratefulness. She complains in this obnoxious tantrum pending voice about all of the trials life has delivered to her. Like the fact that she, her awesome brother and (arguably) cool mom have to live in a tricked out penthouse at the Palms while she records her album. I guess it gets pretty taxing when you’re attending all of these exhausting “Welcome to Vegas!” parties (with delicious looking cake) thrown just for you by the f*#king Maloufs.

Ugh, sorry about that. Anyways, Dina introduces Ali (who is wearing a gorgeous but way too mature minidress) to a bunch of important 30 something guys that she wants Ali to “get comfortable with.” Dina baby, they’re mentally undressing your 14 year old — not very comfort inducing, I would say. The men all flirt with Ali while she fidgets, present her the aforementioned cake (note to self, go buy something with chocolate as soon as I’m done writing) and begin an episode long tradition of complimenting Ali and promising her she’s the next big thing.

Ali, unnerved by all this attention, tells Alexis she’s starting to feel the heat. Dina gives her a necklace as a job well done gift (even though she hasn’t done anything yet.) Apparently, Ali is very comfortable with doing very little and expecting great outcomes, because in the studio the next day, she is a difficult and annoying child.

Ali interrupts herself with criticism every 5 seconds and you can see the frustration seeping out of the producers’ faces. Meanwhile, her wierd ass vocal coach tries to teach Ali how to sing un-flat notes. Her voice has the potential to be good, but she does this wierd man sounding thing that my friend Sarah does when she sings Carrie Underwood. Yea, it’s more Kermit than Mariah, but it’s nothing the Maloufs’ Auto-Tune can’t fix.

Ali then takes a break from recording, even though she’s accomplished like, 3 verses. When she gets back, the producer tells her she’s done for today. Her homework: work on her confidence and staying in the moment–she has all the natural gifts, but needs to stop being a whiny, impatient brat (in so many words).

To ease the viewers’ frustration, the wise wise powers that be at E! intersperse Ali’s episodes with the sheer brilliance that is Cody Lohan. Dina feels bad for her bored youngest, and takes Cody out on the town while Ali records, for some mommy and me bonding time. First stop, lunch with a famous magician who impresses Cody, Dina and I with double entendre laden magic tricks about multiplying rabbits. Next, to soothe his disappointment that there’s no soccer in Vegas (and here I thought there’s no crying in baseball), Codeman gets his sports fix at a sweet arcade, and gets to run around a wax museum with Dina. I don’t know about her use of Botox, but she seemed awfully at home amongst all those frozen faces–JK Dina you beautiful creature, I know your secret is probably something Long Island old school that Nana taught you.

Ali, back at the hotel room after a hard day’s “work” calls Dina to complain about not doing anything. Um ,you recorded your album…isn’t that why you’re here? She whines about being tired and not being able to go out and play with mom and Cody.

Dina comes to talk to Ali about her pissy attitude today. Ali complains more about not being able to go out and have fun when she was recording all day. Dina gently explains to Ali that she’s here to work and record–not run around Vegas with her family. She tells Ali that if she wants this, she needs to work, or they’ll just pack it up and head back East. Ali agrees to give it another shot.

Dina then talks to Ali’s babysitter producer about her naptime, snack time, when she needs to be changed, etc. Dina explains that, being that Ali is only 14, she is a whiny little git by default. I guess this makes sense, and yes, the producers must remember that “the talent” is a child. However Ali needs to remember that she is being given the chance of a lifetime, not thanks to her own merit, but as a bonus of her (legitimate, non secret bastard child) sister’s hard work, pre-trainwreck. Suck it up and realize how awesome your life is woman!

Then Dina takes Ali to the Pearl theater to have Ali lip sync her own song. This is supposed to instill Ali with some cojones, and apparently works. She hits the studio with renewed energy and confidence, and even worse annunciation skills. Nonetheless, the grown ups are all pleased.

Everyone gathers for the big reveal of a portion of her song “All the Way Around” Cody deems it excellent and everyone reassures Ali that she’s going to be the next big thing (again). I fight the urge to backhand my TV and wonder if Ali has learned any semblance of a lesson. Oh Well.

Next Week:

Cody meets the Girls Next Door. I think he and Kendra should play a round of soccer together. Although it may lead to him developing a crush on her and ruining my chances of marrying him.

Jeremy arrives in Vegas (ugh) to try to get Ali to sing a “guy song.” The clips show everyone being annoyed and frustrated by Jeremy’s general presence, and I wonder if it’s finally time for them to give him the boot. I also wonder if he has eyeballs, or if those stupid glasses are a coverup for empty sockets. Hmm.

This week’s episode, unfortunately but expectedly, was lacking in Vegas. It was chock full of boring-ness though. I got the feeling that the producers wanted to spruce up the season, and added some filler episodes before the big climax. This episode was Baby’s Breath to the bouquet of Living Lohan.

Basically, no one wants to go to Vegas with Ali and Dina. Dina tries to coax excitement out of Cody. She ruthlessly wants to uproot her only responsible child from his busy social life and sports schedule to go party in Las Vegas. She tries bribing Cody with Niketown swag. She tells him of all the fun he’ll have. She finally realizes that he is eleven and she has the upper hand. Cody’s going to Vegas whether he likes it or not.

Nana’s compliance, on the other hand…not so easy to come by. Nana does NOT want to go. She says she has her house and “issues” to take care of. Dina feels that Nana may just be afraid to travel and live her life after the death of her husband of 50 years.

We are introduced to Uncle Paul, who Dina believes can convince Nana to go to Vegas with the family while Ali records her album. Uncle Paul would like to respect Nana’s wishes and offers myriad reasons why it would be Okay for her to stay at home, and he would take care of her. Dina, however, will stop at nothing short of stuffing Nana into a burlap sack to get her to LV.

Dina and Paul corner Nana in the kitchen to try to swindle her into going to Vegas. Dina tries the “You’re so old you forgot that you already agreed to go!” approach. Uncle Paul goes for the “I’m a giant Pansy” tactic and tells Nana that–shocker– it’s up to her if she’d like to go to Vegas. Strike Two on the Nana front.

Michael and Dina go for a stroll around the grounds for a heart to heart. Dina again brings up the point that Nana must come to Vegas with them, even though Nan has refused. Michael’s all depressed because he was an asshat to Nina, his girlfriend (who I have just realized has a creepy-similar name to his mother…Electra complex much?)

Cody and Ali are also disturbed by the turbulence between the couple. They hatch an adorable plan to get Nina and Michael back together (if they even broke up). I’m guessing it’s Ali’s half assed attempt at re-creating Lindsay’s Parent Trap roles.

They call Nina and tell her to head on over to the Lohan estate to work things out with Michael. The youngest Lohans know the way to anyone’s heart is through their stomach, and prepare their take on a gourmet meal (toast, candles, disgusting chicken and babypoop colored green beans. Mmm!) They get the couple downstairs to hash out their issues over dins.

The best thing Mike Jr. comes up with is “Thanks for comin’ back.” He drones on about spending more time with his family and she concedes that she should hang out with them more too, her own family be damned. I just hope that’s cranberry juice they’re sipping from their stemware…given the family’s history with underage drinking.

They resolve their issues or whatever, and Michael is thankful to Cody and Ali for helping him out. He’s already explained to Cody that it’s important for him to support Ali in her career, because someday she’ll be there for him, and the Lohan’s look out for each other. That speech was actually adorable, it’s just too bad Dina still doesn’t realize that she needs to support another family member’s choice right now.

The next day, Dina tries, yet again, to get Nana on board for Vegas. Nana brings up her husband, and admits that she hasn’t been the same since he’s died. It’s hard for her to live life on her own, but she has strong ties to the home they created together, and Dina FINALLY realizes that she’s being completely selfish by trying to convince her mother to go somewhere she doesn’t want to be.

When this painfully dull episode comes to a close, the fam sees Mike off as he drives back to school in his…forest green station wagon (even the CARS are boring this week, come on!) To spice things up, Ali is wearing bunny ears. I can’t tell is this is supposed to be ironic or subliminally meaningful. Perhaps she’s just getting in the spirit for…

Next Week:

THEY FREAKING FINALLY GO TO VEGAS GODDAMMIT!

Ali celebrates her 25 15 birthday and whines about recording in Vegas. At the Palms. With the Maloufs. Hmm…

The show begins with a montage of sexy photos all over the house, Dina explains how nothing is more important to her than family (except for press/publicity) as she breaks up a typical sibling playfight between Aliana (Ali) 14, and Dakota (Cody) 11, showcasing how normal they are.

In the kitchen, Dina and her assistant Alexis lament the difficulties of being placed on hold to get out of Jury duty (obviously Dina has other incredibly important things to do). They immediately dive into a harrowing tabloid scanning sesh. Dina explains how sad it is that every morning the poor thing has to go through every single tabloid to see if she’s in it (oh yeah…or any of her kids/clients). Cody, who I am completely in love with, interrupts as the voice of reason, wondering why his Mommadukes has to read the tabloids. She can’t explain. I can’t either, Cody.

We are then introduced to Nana (who I’m also OBSESSED with.) She tells us how even “the Nana’s are not exempt” from the paparazzi. This makes me hate them even more, especially when I learn that they also upset Nana Lohan’s dogs. That’s just effed up.

Finally, Dina starts to talk about the supposed star of the show, Ali. Perez and I both agree that Ali is merely wallpaper. Ali has a record record with the Maloof mega-entrepreneurs of Palms fame. Cody thinks it’s great that Ali is following her dreams, but he doesn’t want to deal with the paparazzi again. My heart melts for him.

Ali lays in bed with Alexis, talking about how excited she is for her second (really?) album. She explains that her label is sending her stuff she’s not really into though (aka: appropriate stuff). She previews some techno-pop sounding tracks that she loves from a producer named Jeremy (clips are shown of a poor man’s Scott Storch). She briefly describes Jeremy as a producer who hounded her mom to listen to his semi-decent tracks for months, but now she loves everything he sends her. Read: she has a HUGE 14 year old crush on this guy.

Then Dina comes home to unpack the groceries (she shops for groceries?), Ali says she doesn’t want to eat what her dogs eat…beef jerky. Anyways, Ali complains about hating all the songs that the label sent her, Dina promises that Mommy will fix everything. Creepy.

Monologue on why Dina thinks that the crazies at Maloof are being rude for telling Ali what 14-year-olds should listen to (not techno, I guess). Ali gets to talk to the mogul with mom on speaker phone and gives them typical teen attitude about why she doesn’t want to sing their songs… songs that she–as an artist– doesn’t listen to or believe in. Dina refuses to jam a bad record down Ali’s throat and turns up the heat on the poor woman trying to explain to her that her daughter is a 14-year-old adolescent, not her 30 year old BFF. (Her negotiation skills here are pretty impressive, she even makes me feel bad about trying to undermine Ali’s “voice”). She then casually brings Jeremy into the equation (NOOOOO!) and tells label lady that she’ll call her back tomorrow after Jeremy has come to Chateau Lohan.

So Jeremy arrives, Dina gives kisses, the birds sing, bells ring, he’s still wearing the Scott Storch glasses. Together, they go over all of Ali’s new tracks and Storch 2.0 makes love to the camera, praying that Kanye West is watching or whatever. Ali comes home and hugs Jer Bear (he keeps his hands very appropriately above her shoulders I note. So far so good). The music listening begins again and Jeremy explains the nuances and classifications of modern hip hop. Ali explains that her and Jeremy (Ali’s horrendous grammar, not mine) get along well because they like the same music.

She attempts to learn the lyrics and sounds really excited about how great her track with Jeremy is gonna be. She feels like she’s known him long enough to really trust him. FORESHADOWING!

Cut to the next morning, Alexis is doing her “morning duties”, which consist of blogrolling, checking Page Six, Perez and the like while accomplishing absolutely nothing worthwhile (that sounds a lot like my morning duties, actually.) She and Dina stumble upon Lindsay’s post-rehab sextape thing. Ali walks in, Dina quickly closes the incredibly inappropriate window so that her child will not be scarred for life. Oh wait, no she doesn’t.

Ali laughs awkwardly then Dina calls Linds to make sure the tape isn’t actually her. Apparently, the tape isn’t real. Dina reams out someone on the phone and tells them to take down the picture or there will be legal action. Smart move, she doesn’t want Cody and Ali exposed tot his garbage (too late.)

Jeremy plays some b-ball with Cody (Stay away from him!) And Cody asks if Jeremy will be joining the fam in Vegas, Jeremy says “Yea, he thinks so” (Of course he does). Cody disses Jeremy (hahaha) and then Uncle Jeremy takes on babysitting duty.

The trio goes rock climbing while Dina is at a boring dinner party. Ali explains that she is trying very hard to be just like big sis, “look like her, dress like her act like her.” Wow. Cody says more adorable things and Jeremy poses sketchily and pretends he’s Jay Z.

The next morning, Dina has Alexis Google her name (because she is the most important Lohan) to see what the tabs have dragged in. SCHOCKER! There’s an article quoting Jeremy on being close to the family, dating Lindsay and all his producing ventures. S#!t hits the fan. Dina thinks she needs to have a heart to heart with him as an adult (I don’t know if she’s the person to do this.) Nana Lohan disapproves and defers comment.

So Jeremy rings the doorbell, Ali ushers him upstairs to grill him. She surprises me with how much maturity she shows while demanding his explanation–he comes off like a lying bastard and you can SEE him sweat when Ali yells at him to stop looking around the room like he’s lying (she’s been reading her Cosmo!) He lamely tries to explain that it’s “press”, but is stunned into silence when Ali gives him a reality check : Lindsay doesn’t know who you are, she doesn’t even know what you looks like. Get it Ali!

The episode and Jeremy’s trial are to be continued, and the rest of the season looks FAMAZING.

My predictions: Nana Lohan writes a tell all book ghost written by Michael Lohan. Ali will follow almost exactly in Ashlee Simpson’s footsteps, but with a brief stint in rehab and an even more public and embarrassing lip syncing scandal. Cody will instantly turn 25 overnight and marry me. Dina will continue to be as fabulous as ever, invent extensions that grow naturally after attached, realize that she simply is not destined to be a mother and land a lead role on Law & Order: Zimbabwe.

But no really, for the sake of everyone’s imagination, please stop trying.

Does Holly keep bowls of Viagra throughout the Playboy Mansion trying to convince Hef that they’re M & Ms? Doesn’t Hef fall asleep after three thrusts? He’s 82. I’m sure he’s young at heart, but come on. I’d imagine that any sperm that he’s got left is bent or way too exhausted to swim very far.

And as for the title of that US mag article, I highly doubt that Hef has babies on the brain. His to-do list consists of robe wearing, a nap, eating, another nap and trying to find his way through his mansion. Trust me, being one of the oldest fathers on the planet is not on there.

Also, the man is still legally married to his estranged wife, Kimberley Conrad; I just need to throw that out there. I mean, what’s Holly’s motivation? She says that she loves him; the way that she comes off on the show lines up with what she says. But does she want to have his baby…or just see dollar signs?

Hef is 82.

…I’m just saying.