It’s extremely fitting that the first official Glamour issue of 2012 (and the last one to hit newsstands in 2011) features the Kardashian sisters. Could they have been any more overexposed this year? The answer is probably yes, but I must admit that the Kardashian ladies are my not-so-secret, not-so-guilty pleasure. I am loving this vintage photo of the sisters. Khloe’s hair is out of this world, and it’s nice to see all of them look refreshingly silly and vibrant.
This month’s issue had even less substance than usual, which I’m totally cool with. Sometimes all you need in life is photos of pretty clothes and some interesting insight into what guys consider their dating deal breakers…

Glamour says: She won’t try new things.
Jasmine says: Meh, 90 percent of everything kind of sucks anyway. Nothing wrong with finding something awesome and clinging to it for dear life.

Glamour says: She’s judge-y.
Jasmine says: I’ve noticed when guys say this, they usually mean they don’t want a girl who has different and/or strong opinions.  Booooring.

Glamour says: She hates sports.
Jasmine says: Why is it so important to watch sports with the woman you’re dating? Take it as an opportunity for some alone time/bro-bonding time.

Glamour says: She’s not up on the news
Jasmine: Okay, this one I completely agree with. If you don’t know what a Newt Gingrich is, I don’t even want to know you.

Glamour says: Movie references go flying over her head.
Jasmine says: I want to send a memo to everyone on this: pop culture references do not in and of themselves make you funnier, wittier, or more cultured than anyone else. Get over yourself.

Kristen Stewart almost looks like she has an expression on this month’s cover of Glamour. I don’t know how to feel about this. Sullen works for her, but I can’t begrudge her any attempts to look happy or engaged.

This month’s issue is pretty inoffensive. There was a strong emphasis on health, which I appreciate. And I was reminded that Mercury retrograde falls over Thanksgiving this year, so I’m already mentally preparing for a hot mess holiday of ridiculous proportions. Even the relationship section was less horrific than usual. There was an articled on “How to be a Man-Magnet” that had some good pieces of advice (don’t insult other women, be proud of your ambitions, don’t expect every guy to be marriage material…), though some gems were a little less constructive.

Glamour says: Be easygoing
Jasmine says: Easygoing is a character trait, not something you can just will yourself to do. Some of us are a little more intense than others, and that can be just as attractive as being the girl with NP cares in the world.

Glamour says: Don’t dress for girls.
Jasmine says: Dress however you want. Whether you feel most confident in a bandage dress and five inch stilettos or a maxi dress and mocassins, do you. Guys would have us all walking around in jeans and a t-shirt, which, while classic, is kind of snoozeworthy.

Glamour says: No bitching.
Jasmine says: Isn’t one of the joys of being an adult bonding with other adults about things that suck?

Glamour says: Perfect the art of sexting.
Jasmine says: Sexting is mad overrated. I enjoy a sexy text as much as the next person, but it is not the end-all and be-all of flirting.

Glamour says: Sky-high stilettos say “I’m high-maintenance.”

Jasmine says: Or they say, “these are the only shoes I have in this color” or “I feel like an Amazon goddess.” Yes, some women do wear heels and they use it as an excuse to go out and not have fun, but most of us just like to channel our inner Beyonce sometimes.

Glamour says: Too many logos says “Let’s go shopping.” (in a really superficial, shallow, insecure way)

Jasmine says: I’m…inclined to agree. There’s nothing wrong with a subtle logo, but large, in your face proclamations of who designed your shirt or bag? Way too high school.

Glamour says: Super skimpy stuff says: “I might wear hot pants to your uncle’s funeral.”

Jasmine says: Because what a woman wears on a date is indicative of what she would wear to funeral? Really? Two totally different contexts.

Glamour says: Shapeless clothes say “I think I’m fat.”

Jasmine says: Or, maybe, she’s just not interested in putting her body on display for public consumption. What a novel idea.

Admittedly, some amazing women are more worthy of an award than others. Think more along the lines of your sorority sister who organizes the beyond spectacular philanthropy events each year, not the girl who can masterfully dance on the bar in a mini dress without having a Brit slip.

Well, Glamour is looking for you to brag about all the truly amazing women in your life.

Here’s what they have to say:

Brag Time: Tell Us Why You’re Amazing

Glamour is looking for young women—age 25 or under—who are doing big things in their community. Tell us how you’re changing the world and you could be one of two lucky winners we’ll bring to Glamour’s Women of the Year Awards at New York City’s Carnegie Hall on November 7.

So…wanna come? Nominate yourself (or a friend!) by going to glamour.com (link to: https://secure.glamour.com/magazine/sweeps/woyy_2011/entry/long/)—and attach a pic. Then check back in two months to meet the five finalists and vote for your favorites.

Well, what are you waiting for? Nominate someone! (Not sure who to nominate, CollegeCandy editors are always looking for a little love….just kidding…not really)

Of course, the best part of the issue is the insight into how males feel when they’re naked.

Glamour says: 21 percent of men suck in their stomach the first time a woman sees them naked.
Jasmine says: I suppose this could be another distraction to prevent premature ejaculation. But seriously, I wish we could all just be secure in our bodies and stop waiting for people to chastise us because we have more than 1.6 ounces of body fat. Our society’s fixation on the idea that “perfection = thinness” is not helpful to anyone.

Glamour says: 50 percent of men do not check out other mens’ junk.
Jasmine says: Liars! Guys have so many opportunities to do so, and I fail to see how any guy could go his entire life without ever sneaking a peek. Or maybe I’m just unnaturally nosy.

Glamour says: 23 percent of men don’t let anyone near their feet.
Jasmine says: A little pedicure would eliminate most of that self-consciousness. It makes no sense that girls are the target market for them, since really, I’m pretty sure guys have far mangier feet than girls.

Glamour says: 46 percent of men wish women paid more attention their crotch.
Jasmine says: I don’t think guys understand that solid handjobs and blowjobs require hard work on our parts. And sometimes our vag just isn’t open for business, for a variety of reasons. Get over it.

Glamour says: 75 percent of men think their penis is larger than the average guy’s penis.
Jasmine says: Probably not, but we all need to have our delusions, and a guy thinking his 6.5 inch c*ck is monstrous is pretty harmless in the grand scheme of things.

To see even more funny fun times from everyone’s favorite fashion/lifestyle magazine, click here!

Naturally, while I was flipping through it, my area was under a freaking tornado watch, so the first half of this issue was great for escapism purposes. It was light on text and heavy on the pretty, although I could have done without the 5 pages of Royal Wedding coverage. I’m not generally one to be swoon over celebrity weddings, but my indifference intensifies when the celebrities are as boring as Will and Kate. Seriously, beyond their hair (what happened to his? How is hers always so shiny?), they are the least fascinating celebs ever. Hit me up when Kim Kardashian finally finds a husband.

But anyway, moving into the second half of the magazine, as per usual, Glamour hits us with the more substantial articles – ones about female teachers being falsely accused of having sex with students (pro tip: if you ever become a high school teacher, never text your students), the scary toxins that are wrecking our hormonal balances (everything. Build thyself a plastic bubble), and an “expose” on strip clubs (some guys want to have sex with strippers and some guys don’t…durr).

Obviously, the goldmine of this issue was The Ultimate Penis Guide, which consists of 6 items all guys wish we ladies knew. So let’s get learning, shall we?

Glamour says: The average penis measures between 3.5-4 inches at rest and between 5-6 inches aroused.
Jasmine says: I think more men need to be aware of this than women.

Glamour says: Most men experience erections in the REM phase of sleep just before waking up. They’re involuntary reflexes.
Jasmine says: I think this is a subtle promo for morning BJs. And, like, I get it. Who doesn’t like receiving head? But, seriously, blow jobs are work. Who wants to do work first thing in the morning? I can barely muster the energy to wash my face before 10:00am.

Glamour says: A healthy penis needs rest after sex.
Jasmine says: Sure. But what does that have to do with his hand and/or mouth? Just sayin’.

Glamour says: The penis is not designed to be turned or twisted.
Jasmine says: Now if only someone would put that memo out to guys in regards to nipples.

Glamour says: Little flesh colored dots around the rim of the penis are normal.
Jasmine says: Oh, god. I cannot keep track of all the things that are normal and are not normal down there. I wish Mother Nature had color coded that shiz for us.

Glamour says: If using your hands, remember the glans (the head of the penis, which has the highest concentration of nerve endings).
Jasmine says: It’s okay not to give the best HJ; they’re passe and in most circles went out in 10th grade anyway.

To see even more funny fun times from everyone’s favorite fashion/lifestyle magazine, click here!

Unfortunately, once Glamour starts trying to use words to enrich our lives, it all goes downhill.

As usual, the “Men, Sex, and Love” section is an utter disaster. When the best piece of advice is offered by a 9-year-old, you know this shiz is dire. (The 9-year-old was asked if men should pay on the first day. Her answer; “No, because then he’ll think you’re spoiled. You should volunteer.” Debate over.)

There’s an article by a 28-year-old woman who planned to save her virginity for her husband…and then didn’t (didn’t most of us have that “I’m waiting until marriage…oops, there’s a p in my v” moment at some point? Yawn.) There is an article about communication by some dude who apparently feels that guys need women to tell them that joking about their moms is not okay (I know etiquette is kind of a lost concept these days, but seriously?) And apparently dudes think about sports during sex (remember when these magazines said they were thinking about supermodels? I’m not sure if sports are an up- or a downgrade). But it’s the obligatory sexting article that made me roll my eyes so hard I’m pretty sure I saw my brain.

Let me explain why.

Glamour says: 84 percent of guys have sent a dirty text while 91 percent have received one.
Jasmine says. I can’t help but focus on the seven point differential between those two stats. There are many things that women should be taking initiative to do — shooting out potentially incriminating words/photos first is not one of them.

Glamour says. 1 percent of men prefer phone sex to real sex.
Jasmine says: …are these the men for whom the fleshlight is made?

Glamour says: 33 percent of guys have taken a cell phone photo of their penis.
Jasmine says: I have never been more skeptical of a statistic in my life. It’s at least twice as many, am I right?

Glamour says: 20 percent of men have shown their friends a sext from a woman.
Jasmine says: This is why men can’t have nice things. Seriously, can some guys be any more uncouth?

Glamour says: 16 percent of men would send out nude photos of an ex.
Jasmine says: And…apparently the answer to my last question is yes. Cardinal rule: NEVER include your face in a nudie.

To see even more ridiculous advice from everyone’s favorite fashion/lifestyle magazine, click here!

Even the article that had the most potential (“What Do You Call Your Genitalia”) is just pathetic – one woman’s boyfriend actually said “all men have iPads and women are just their charging docks.” And no, she didn’t dump him. Conveniently, two pages after this charming anecdote is “In Defense of Jerks,” a piece written by Glamour’s resident guy (obvs inferior to Our Dude) who writes a few hundred words basically pleading for us to forgive guys for being clueless and socially inept. No thank you.

I must admit, I was tickled by this totally bro-tastic piece surveying guys asking them to share their sexytime New Year’s Resolutions. Hilarity ensues.

Glamour bro says: Tantric sex.
Jasmine says: I will never understand the appeal of a never ending (8 hours) sex session. I mean, I like f*cking as much as the next girl, but who has the attention span these days? Tantric sex seems to be a relic of the old days, pre iPhones and DVDs.

Glamour bro says: No more drama.
Jasmine says: When a dude says no drama, it’s code for “I don’t want a girl who will call me out on my shenanigans.”

Glamour bro says: I want pyrotechnics, strobe lights, a few more people…
Jasmine says: Oh, god, this is that creeper who is too much of a coward to go to a real rave, so he tries to make every house party into a rave situation. Like, dude, sit down, we just want to play beer pong. Keep your crappy techno and your suspect candy necklaces away.

Glamour bro says: To stop having one night stands.
Jasmine says: If you have to make it your mission to stop hitting it and quitting it with girls, you’re probably not ready for a relationship.

Glamour bro says: Lots more sex on the beach.
Jasmine says: Four words: Sand in the vagina.

Around the holidays there are a lot of reasons to dress up, and I’m not talking about putting on anything but sweats (which in college might feel like dressing up). I’m talking up getting all dolled up for a special occasion. Whether you have a sorority formal, a fancy party to go to with the family, or need something special for New Years Eve, now is a good time to start scoping out looks. Though people are starting to get their Christmas shopping in, it’s not quite the rush yet, meaning there will be a slightly shorter line for the changing room than a few weeks from now.

Any girl who’s been to the mall in the past 2 years knows that there are a ton of dresses to choose from out there. That means it’s easy to find one appropriate for every occasion possible, but also hard to choose the very best one. (I’ve never been good with options.) Just remember these 3 key things:

1. Choose what works best for your body, not whatever cut is trendiest. We can’t all wear sparkly shift dress, you know.
2. What you’re wearing to impress your high school crush on New Years Eve may not be the same thing you want to wear to a Christmas party with your parents’ friends. Choose a slightly longer length (you should be able to sit down comfortably in it, without covering your lap with a napkin) and more chest coverage for events you’re going to for work or with your family.
3. Go all out. Ruffles, sparkles, cut-outs – all’s fair in love, war and party dresses.

I’m pretty sure most of us have made peace with this heartbreaking reality, and they really should too.

This month is Glamour’s 20th anniversary of their “Women of the Year” celebration, which you may think means a much heavier emphasis on the women who are setting the world on fire…and, yes, that’s true, if by “much heavier,” you mean “about 10 pages worth of footage.” Because heaven forbid we take a prolonged break from discussing the latest trends in red lipstick or the return of the side ponytail or trying to decipher the stupid signals dudes send us.

(Actually, I’m glad they didn’t, because then what would I write about?)

For an issue that is supposed to be inspiring women, I was feeling pretty dejected reading through it. Glamour made me feel skanky (by declaring leather leggings a “don’t, unless you’re Lindsay Lohan”), unhygienic (did you know you’re supposed to give fruit not just a water rinse-off, but a VINEGAR rinse too?), and sexually unadventurous (because I have no desire to try tantric sex).

And then I came across an article that was so absurd that I had no choice but to feel a lot better about myself because at least I’m not clueless enough to take this advice seriously.

“Five Sexy Texts You Won’t Regret in the Morning“

To the new guy you made out with for 27 minutes last night:
Glamour says:: “Invested in some lip balm. U need some? Happy to share.”
Jasmine says: My inner grammar-nerd is dying at the substitution of “u” for “you.” But besides that, if you only made out for a guy for less than half an hour (and you actually clocked it to the exact minute), then I’m thinking the make out wasn’t that great, and the last thing you need to do is encourage more chapped-lip inducing shenanigans.

To your boyfriend who’s at a work party.
Glamour says: “Have fun 2nite. Afterparty @ my place?”
Jasmine says: This text reads like such a douche-bro text. Like something any of the oh-so-charming guys from The Hills would send to LC and co. Not cute. What’s wrong with a classic, “Can’t wait to see you tonight [insert cutesy emoticon of your choice here]“?

To your guy whose football team just lost
Glamour says: “Sorry re: the game. U might score l8r 2nite tho…”
Jasmine says: If you’re old enough to be sexting, I think you’re also old enough to come up with something more clever than a played out sportsy metaphor for sex.

To the man who needs cheering up
Glamour says:: “Pictured u naked during mtg. Boss asked why u smiling.”
Jasmine says: Men actually have feelings that extend beyond sex. Maybe to cheer your boy up, compliment his character?

To the significant other who’s working late
Glamour says: “Getting in bath. Will u b home 2 towel me off or should I drip dry?”
Jasmine says: I’m all for late-night sexy times, but if you know your boo having a long day, why not cater to him first? Wait for him to get home to take a bath together and towel each other off? Or is that too considerate?