Hey Dude,

I recently (as in a few days ago) had sex for the first time, with the guy that I am dating. It really hurt, but he was patient with me. Round two the next morning felt better, but still hurt a bit.

But that’s not my problem. What’s kinda worrying me is that he’s so quiet during sex, and during foreplay. Even when I go down on him!

It’s not what I was expecting, his breathing doesn’t seem to get heavier during the deed, unless he’s just about to come. I’m not expecting him to be moaning at the top of his lungs or anything, but a bit of feedback would certainly help me to know that I’m getting the hang of things. And considering he said I’m really good at going down on him, is it fair to expect some noise?

I’m trying to make sure we tell each other what we want and what we’re willing to do, because I think that’s really important (and if there’s anything College Candy blogs have taught me, its that communication with your partner makes things easier and better). So I tried to talk to him about it in a light-hearted way, telling him its okay to make a bit of noise and that no one’s going to hear him (I live in a shared house with friends), and that I find it hot when guys lose a bit of control and let go, and he just said he’s a quiet guy and pretty much dropped the subject.

So, does it sound like its him, or me?? I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable, but as this is all new to me I don’t want to feel insecure either. How can I approach this subject (again) with him?

Sincerely,

Newbie

Dear Newbie,

Some are quiet, some are loud, some are scared, and some are proud. Some are smart and some are dumb, but there’s no need to worry if he’ll always cum!

The proof’s in the “pudding.” You get him off, regularly, the sex part of your relationship is progressing, and you’ve kept the lines of communicado openado. Now you have to believe that it’s really not you.

If he didn’t splooge then, yeah, that’s a physical sign that might be traced to your technique (or to his own fear of his orgasm). But he does. And he comes back for more. You’ve gone about this is in a really healthy way it sounds like. Now STOP!

Look, most people like approval. We all enjoy positive feedback and like to know that we’re giving as good as we’re getting (or even being better at it). If he says that he’s just the quiet type and you’ve been able to trust him up to now, then there’s no reason to doubt. You’re thinking in terms of “supposed to” and that’s where self-sabotage or unrealistic expectations can start to grow. You’re not doing that yet but you’re starting to tip-toe into that territory.

I won’t lie to you. There are some guys who grin and bear it when it comes to blowjobs. Unfortunately, not all men are satisfied with how their gals perform the operation. And they’re too scared to say anything. Usually, they’re too scared because they don’t trust their partner to handle it, they want to protect them, etc. From what it sounds like though, you guys are pretty open with each other and are comfortable talking turkey (sex turkey?) so I don’t think that’s what’s happening here.

Worst case scenario, see if he’d be open for a polygraph?

Seriously, though, if you take him past the boiling point then that’s a pretty good indicator he likes what you’re doing. I mean, do you have too many complaints from him when he gets you off all the time?

Don’t sweat. Don’t overanalyze. Let it go and let it flow and most of all: have fun with each other.

“Finish him!”

The Dude

Fact: There is nothing more intimate than having sex with another person. After all, you’re completely naked and vulnerable, and everything is out in plain sight. So unless you’re that old, beer-bellied guy that is always alone and naked at the nude beach, that level of intimacy is going to make you a little nervous.

And then there’s the whole “performance” aspect (Are you doing it right? Does it feel right? Is that face sexy or creepy?), which gets enhanced ten-fold when oral sex is involved. Oral is pretty uncomfortable for everyone (mentally, hopefully not physically), but can get extremely nerve-wracking for most women. I get it; who wouldn’t be self conscious and wonder what her guy is thinking when he is up close and personal with her most private of areas? But all that thinking can really ruin a marvelous experience, and what’s the point of us putting in all that work if you’re not going to enjoy it?

So let’s take a moment to find out what your guy is thinking while he’s orally fixated on you so you can stop thinking and start having some fun.

1. Female Hygiene
This is at the top of every guy’s mind right before he begins pleasing a woman orally.  While he is kissing your stomach and trying to get directions from your body language, which at this point is practically screaming at him to go south already, he is also trying to figure out your hygiene situation. Two things are running through his mind before he gets too close to the promised land:

1) What’s the landscaping going be like?
2) Please let it be free of any odor.

Now, the latter is the real deal breaker for most guys (by most, I mean 99.9%. The last .1% of guys have stuffy noses and couldn’t smell if they wanted to).  Guys can work around different types of female grooming and truthfully, it’s like an exciting adventure. We really can’t wait and anticipate it like a surprise. Don’t worry if your landing strip designed to land a Cessna can now land a Boeing, most guys won’t really care and we understand that you don’t carry a razor in your purse. However, any kind of unpleasant odor and your chances for oral stimulation are out the door.

2. Technique
Guys are not impervious to insecurities like most women think. We want to please our partners and be remembered (and talked about the moment we walk out the door – yeah, we know how it goes) as great lovers. It is no different when it comes to going down on our lady. During the act, we are mainly concerned with how good our tongue technique is and if it’s delivering the desired effect.

Does it look/sound like she likes it? If not, is it oral sex in general or how I do it?
Am I doing it right?
Should I make her have an orgasm? Can I make her have an orgasm?

Hopefully, your guy answers “yea, yea, yea, and hell yea.” And hopefully he doesn’t get so into his thoughts that he forgets why he’s down there in the first place.

3. Reciprocity
There is one thought lingering on the back of your guy’s mind while he’s making his Southern Expedition and that is whether or not you’ll return the favor. This is anything but work for us, but we would like to be rewarded for our foreplay efforts with a little fellatio. And by “a little” we mean a lot. Guys love it (a lot a lot), but believe it or not, we’re sometimes too shy to ask for it.

So there you have it – the low down on the go down. When it comes down to it, all we really want to do it please you and while we may not seem to stress about it, we definitely think about it. Often. We ask our friends how they do it, if they do it, and when to do it. We try new things and hope for new results. We worry that we’re just not good enough. All because we want you to enjoy yourself.

Oral sex isn’t every guy’s cup of tea, so if your guy is taking the initiative to give you this kind of pleasure, embrace it and remember: don’t forget to tip.

[This story was originally posted by Cesar- University of Florida.]

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Questio? Answio: Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a month now, and he’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. He’s respectful, funny, handsome, super smart and comprehensive. Things couldn’t be better. Because of the way I was raised and my personal beliefs, I want to wait until I get married to have sex. He says he respects my decision and that he’ll wait.

The other night he got all serious and he said he wanted to give me an orgasm, and we talked about it. I’ve had orgasms when I masturbate, but I’ve never let a guy touch me down there before, but I really want to. So we gave it a try. He’s a older than me, so he has a lot more experience, and he knows how it’s done. The problem is, I don’t. I had no idea of what to do and I got all nervous. I can give a handjob or get down on him, but I have no idea of what to do when I’m the one on the receiving end. At first I was really turned on and everything was going fine but suddenly, poof! I didn’t feel anything anymore. He said I should tell him what I like and how I like it, but I don’t know how to explain myself, and also, I’m a bit shy.

How do I stop getting nervous and self-conscious? How do I learn how to tell him what to do to me? I’m tired of being such a prude!

Sincerely,
Horny Virgin

Dear Horny Virgin,

I’m not trying to make fun of you, but I really feel I need to correct you on this for your sake: the idiom is “go down on him,” not “get down on him.” Although I do rather like that better. Actually, yes. Let’s change it to that. Henceforth, one shall get down on one’s man.

Okay. Your question is, you wanna get off without getting it on. Happily, you got a guy who wants to help! Lil’ ol’ Tuffy’s real impressed by this guy, actually–it was even his idea! Very nice. A+, Horny Virgin’s Dude, A+.

Well, frankly, HornVirg, the main thing you really gotta do is relax. You’re not a prude; you’re just at the beginning of your sexual journey. Hey, everyone goes on one, so don’t freak! It’s no big.

So when he’s doing stuff to you, remind yourself: He WANTS to be doing this. He GETS pleasure from pleasuring you. So there’s nothing you can screw up, you know? There’s no pressure. It’s what you want, because that’s what he wants to give to you.

See, sex is share-time. In intercourse, you know, it’s all about both partners getting off on each other, so there’s got to be a give and take. But in this situation, you’re each giving each other your own time. So you know how when you’re “getting down on him” (seriously, I want this to catch on!! way cuter!!), he’s just enjoying the moment, and you’re happy about that because, for you, it’s about him? That’s what he wants to do for you. Let him, for floop’s sake.

I’m so happy this is your problem, HornVirg. There are soooooooo many girls writing in to me about how their partners just want blow jobs and shoop and aren’t interested in reciprocating. Hey, kiddos, are you reading this?! There ARE men who want to make you feel good! Dump the ones who don’t!!!

But back to you, yes?

Welp, here’s my basic advice.

(1) Remind yourself he just wants you to enjoy it, no more no less, and make sure you breathe.

(2) When he does something you like, be VOCAL about it. And you don’t even have to SAY anything–just moan or make an appreciative noise. Guys dig that anyway, and he’ll be more than happy to accommodate; it’s win-win!

(3) When you DON’T like something, gently move yourself (and him) into a position you like better. Again, he’ll get the picture, and win-win-win-win-win.

(4) Fantasize. Imagine a scenario that gets you really hot. You don’t have to share it with him (although, if you think that’ll be hot, you’re more than encouraged to). In fact, it doesn’t even have to be about him. You’ve masturbated–what do you think about to get you off? Try thinking about those kinds of things during intimacy and see where it takes you.

Oh! And one more thing. KEEP A CONDOM AROUND, JUST IN CASE. I know you’re not planning to have premarital sex, but, just in case, because no one is perfect and sometimes things just happen, it’s better to have one on hand. And that goes for all of youse. Safe sex or no sex.

Good luck, kiddo!

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

[Want more tough love? Get it.]

He Said/She Said is a new series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

In the economics of relationships, things seem relatively simple. You invest parts of you in hopes of getting something in return, be it love, affection, respect or in some cases of a Tiffany’s princess cut. The same applies to the economics of sex. When things are getting down and dirty you’re hoping at the end of all of it, you aren’t left down and out. Returning the favor is simple economics – what you get should equal (if not, surpass) what you put in.

At the risk of sounding anti-feminist, returning the favor (while it is not always something a girl looks forward to…especially after a guy’s had 10 vodka Red Bulls) is only fair. Strictly speaking in terms of giving and receiving, reciprocation makes sense because it balances the scale. Returning the favor is not necessary, but it is considerate. The guy just worked his tongue off to rock your world, after all, it’s only fair you do the same.

But, and there’s always a but, every rule carries with it a list of exceptions. Here are just a few of mine:

1. If you’ve already told him in advance that you’re not interested in going south on him –If you warned your man in advance and firmly stated your lack of interest in returning the favor and he still takes the time to focus solely on your pleasure, then by all means, lay back and enjoy.

2. If you’re not that into him – If you’re not feeling the heat while in the midst of messing around with a guy, what’s the point in causing jaw/neck pain taking the time to prolong the deed? If you’d rather make out with your gay best friend than the guy in front of you, there’s no shame in skipping out.

3. If you’re not ready – Like anything regarding sex, I would never promote the notion of returning the favor to a girl who wasn’t ready. If the time comes for reciprocation and something is missing or off, the potential regret is never worth pushing aside your own integrity.

I think that sometimes as girls we have a tendency to assume all boys are lecherous hornballs who’ll take whatever they can get in the sack, even if that means putting a girl’s pleasure before their own. But when it comes down to it, I’m willing to bet there are as many guys who don’t like going down on girls as there are girls who don’t like going down on guys. A lot of girls think they’re doing their guys a favor by letting them get to third base, like in some way it satisfies their stereotypical sexual appetite, but it’s not always better to give than to receive. Especially when what they can receive is as wonderful/earth shattering/mind blowing/thank-god-I-didn’t-have-to-do-this-myself as an orgasm.

Though the science of returning the favor is a game of expectations and pressure, at the very base of it, when you like the guy, returning the favor is considerate. I believe that if you expect the guy to focus on you, you should take the time to focus on him (and vice versa for guys).

There’s always going to be girls who swear up and down that their guy “absolutely loves giving even if they don’t receive” and while I don’t doubt that those men exist, I refuse to believe they in the majority. And if you’re one of the lucky ladies who have scored those elusive men, give yourself a nice pat on the back (then lay back and enjoy yourself) because you’ve just made every girl jealous.

But unless your genitals are made out of chocolate there’s no excuse to ignore the notion that pleasure is a two-way street. That goes for you too, guys!

If you truly enjoy getting it on with your partner, when it comes to returning the favor, there’s not much to think about because you should want to turn each other on. Though reciprocity carries some important exceptions, it’s a great way to show each other you care about the other’s pleasure level and really, if you’re both getting some, what’s the downside to heightened levels of pleasure in the sack?

Want to see what he said? Check out the male response at COEDmagazine.com

I have spent 8 years (not continuously) with my mouth between a dude’s legs, and while I finally know that I’m good at it (one fine young man – whose name I do not know – exclaimed, “Wow! That was good!”), I still don’t love all the work is involved. It kills my jaw, my neck, and I’d rather let the guy handle things on his own than risk lock jaw on a sweaty appendage.

And do I get paid back? Not often. Lots of guys I know and have “interacted” with really aren’t into making the trip downtown on a lady. “It’s so hard!” they say. “You don’t know what we’re dealing with down there!”

Um, excuse me? They think they have it hard (pun totes not intended)?

I decided to take this issue on myself with my favorite IMing male to see if we could work through our problems and come to some sort of truce for men and women everywhere. Will this entice more men to venture South? We can only hope.

Likey? Don’t worry, there are plenty more faves where this came from.

[We ladies spend a lot of time wondering what guys are thinking, most often over stiff drinks or soupy ice cream. Unfortunately, besides The Dude, we don't often get the chance to really find out. So we continue speculating, wondering and growing more and more self-conscious by the minute. Not anymore. CollegeCandy's got a new guy in town who is going to open up his man brain and enlighten us as to what exactly goes on in there. Prepare yourselves, girls; I have a feeling this is going to be an interesting ride.]

Fact: There is nothing more intimate than having sex with another person. After all, you’re completely naked and vulnerable, and everything is out in plain sight. So unless you’re that old, beer-bellied guy that is always alone and naked at the nude beach, that level of intimacy is going to make you a little nervous.

And then there’s the whole “performance” aspect (Are you doing it right? Does it feel right? Is that face sexy or creepy?), which gets enhanced ten-fold when oral sex is involved. Oral is pretty uncomfortable for everyone (mentally, hopefully not physically), but can get extremely nerve-wracking for most women. I get it; who wouldn’t be self conscious and wonder what her guy is thinking when he is up close and personal with her most private of areas? But all that thinking can really ruin a marvelous experience, and what’s the point of us putting in all that work if you’re not going to enjoy it?

So let’s take a moment to find out what your guy is thinking while he’s orally fixated on you so you can stop thinking and start having some fun.

1. Female Hygiene
This is at the top of every guy’s mind right before he begins pleasing a woman orally.  While he is kissing your stomach and trying to get directions from your body language, which at this point is practically screaming at him to go south already, he is also trying to figure out your hygiene situation. Two things are running through his mind before he gets too close to the promised land:

1) What’s the landscaping going be like?
2) Please let it be free of any odor.

Now, the latter is the real deal breaker for most guys (by most, I mean 99.9%. The last .1% of guys have stuffy noses and couldn’t smell if they wanted to).  Guys can work around different types of female grooming and truthfully, it’s like an exciting adventure. We really can’t wait and anticipate it like a surprise. Don’t worry if your landing strip designed to land a Cessna can now land a Boeing, most guys won’t really care and we understand that you don’t carry a razor in your purse. However, any kind of unpleasant odor and your chances for oral stimulation are out the door.

2. Technique
Guys are not impervious to insecurities like most women think. We want to please our partners and be remembered (and talked about the moment we walk out the door – yeah, we know how it goes) as great lovers. It is no different when it comes to going down on our lady. During the act, we are mainly concerned with how good our tongue technique is and if it’s delivering the desired effect.

Does it look/sound like she likes it? If not, is it oral sex in general or how I do it?
Am I doing it right?
Should I make her have an orgasm? Can I make her have an orgasm?

Hopefully, your guy answers “yea, yea, yea, and hell yea.” And hopefully he doesn’t get so into his thoughts that he forgets why he’s down there in the first place.

3. Reciprocity
There is one thought lingering on the back of your guy’s mind while he’s making his Southern Expedition and that is whether or not you’ll return the favor. This is anything but work for us, but we would like to be rewarded for our foreplay efforts with a little fellatio. And by “a little” we mean a lot. Guys love it (a lot a lot), but believe it or not, we’re sometimes too shy to ask for it.

So there you have it – the low down on the go down. When it comes down to it, all we really want to do it please you and while we may not seem to stress about it, we definitely think about it. Often. We ask our friends how they do it, if they do it, and when to do it. We try new things and hope for new results. We worry that we’re just not good enough. All because we want you to enjoy yourself.

Oral sex isn’t every guy’s cup of tea, so if your guy is taking the initiative to give you this kind of pleasure, embrace it and remember: don’t forget to tip.

[It's pretty obvious that the average CollegeCandy reader has some very strong opinions. Opinions that she likes to share with everyone on the site. We love a strong woman (unless she happens to be charging at us with her fists raised), so we thought we'd give her a real forum to discuss her thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. Every Friday I'll be featuring a hot topic (like colleges giving out condoms!) and leaving it up to you, the readers, to duke it out. So, read it and get your debate on in the comments section below!]

We all have our own definitions of what does and doesn’t count as sex. There’s the classic, “just the tip doesn’t count” or the frat party anthem, “if I can’t remember it, it doesn’t count” or, my personal favorite, “he didn’t get off so it doesn’t count.” But apparently there’s a whole new level of not counting at college – according to a survey at the University of Kentucky, only 20% of students think oral sex counts as sex.

On one side, I get where they’re coming from. Truth be told, I’ve never really thought of oral on the same level as “real” sex (aka penetration), and most of the girls I know wouldn’t include a guy in their “number” if they had only given/received head. Whenever schools or parents or after-school specials talked about sex, they always meant horizontal mambo, baby-making sex; I don’t think I even knew oral existed until all of the guys started snickering about it in middle school. And once you got old enough to actually be doing dirty deeds, getting an Australian kiss always seemed more like foreplay than actual legit sex. After all, we were always taught that sex was about emotions and how it was an expression of love, which, I guess shoving your head between someone’s legs kind of is, but it was never the romantic sort of thing that movies and TV shows call sex, so why should it count?

Why shouldn’t it, though? This is mouth to genital contact we’re talking about – that’s seriously personal, maybe even more so than traditional sex if you think about it. I mean, it’s your freaking mouth! Most of us are pretty selective of what we put in there on a day to day basis, so why would we even think that putting someone else’s naughty bits in there should count as less than sex? Not to mention the fact that most people don’t even bother with condoms when it’s “just head,” which makes about as much sense as “this stove won’t burn me if I touch it with my foot instead of my hand,” so by not counting it, we’re just opening ourselves up to all of the diseases we spend most of our sexual lives warding off. How does that make sense?

Alright, chiquita’s, you tell me – do you count going down? Is it really that big of a deal? Or should we all just get over it stop making such a fuss? Duke it out!

We’ve always heard that it is far better to give than to receive, but does that hold up in the bedroom? Is it really better to give a little lovin’ than to get it!?

Sure, I like the power I have over a man when I venture south for the evening and the knowledge that I made him very (verrry) happy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t expect a little somethin’ somethin’ in return. Is it really fair to take (and, in some cases, demand in the form of pushing) and never to reciprocate? And why do so many damn guys do that?

Man up, dudes!

Let’s see what my boy friend (notice the space there, ladies) had to say.

Say WHAT?!?!?

I couldn’t believe it. How could you not enjoy something that is completely and totally dedicated to your pleasure, and yours alone? Surely she was alone in this, I thought. Not so! As soon as the question was posed, a definite majority of the group was on her side! Some disliked it altogether, some liked it OK but were pretty “meh” about the whole concept, and I was the only holdout for it being truly awesome.

I have to say, ladies, I just don’t get it. When I got curious, I was presented with a few primary reasons for these women not being crazy about someone heading downtown.

1. “I worry he doesn’t like doing it.”
A valid concern, on the surface: no one wants to put someone they love/like/lust after in an awkward position. But dig a little deeper for a minute, if you will. I don’t love the physical act of giving a blow job, but I love love love how good I can make someone feel when I do it! Isn’t that the point of all this? If he doesn’t care about making you feel good, then forget him. Seriously. Now.

2. “I’m self-conscious about the appearance/smell/yadda yadda yadda of my ladyparts.”
Are you naked? ‘Cause he won’t notice anything else. But seriously, folks, I know that if I am in need of a little yardwork, I am uncomfortable with someone getting too close down there.  With a little maintenance, it’s a non-issue. And that’s just me: you may prefer more or less, all or nothing at all.  Maintain what YOU like, not what you think someone else will find attractive. It’s subjective, anyway, and any man who has specific opinions on your pubic hair should really get over it.  Even if he does have opinions, they should be a preference, not a deal-breaker. If you’re still feeling fidgety, remember: women all have the same bits, and you probably look and smell much like the rest of us ladies, and any man worth his salt knows and appreciates this.

3. “I don’t enjoy it all that much. I just prefer sex.”
My working theory is that this stems from one of the first two reasons, which can distract you so entirely from the present moment that you won’t enjoy anything at all. But if you really just think it doesn’t feel good, then, well, I didn’t want to get all “you’ve just never been with someone who was good at it” on you, but you’ve just never been with someone who was good at it. Bad oral sex is….pretty bad. Pretty useless, at best.  Men who are too rough, or fast, or seem to think that imitating porn stars is the way to go just need a little direction.  If the usual strategically placed moans don’t work, most men dig it if you tell them what you want. Honestly, if you can tell him “ohhhh do that again,” or “I love it when you…” you’re golden. It might feel like awkward dirty talk at first, but trust me, it’ll get the job done and probably turn him on in the process. Everybody wins!

It is incredible to have someone focused entirely on making you feel amazing (and trust me, that is different than someone who is just trying to warm you up so he can get his groove on. Forget that guy also. Immediately.). You give, should you not also have the chance to lay back, relax and receive? On top of it being an incredible orgasm on its own, oral sex makes any sex that follows utterly toe-curling, because you are so revved up and ready to go. That is one of the little gifts of being a woman: the first orgasm only prepares you for the next one.

If you think you don’t like it, try it again.  You don’t know what you’re missing.